Am I Selfish???

[AliciaJordan]

I can't handle this any longer and being just a CD isn't cutting it. Ever since I can remember I would wish/pray to wake-up with a body that matched my brain. Always thought it strange that I wished it was a female body and not having my mind match the male body I have.

So I did everything all the others seem to do. Try to be more male and show the world that I was more male, but always in my mind she was there. I'd go to the mall, or the beach, or work, or where ever and was afraid somebody would notice if I slipped up and did something that wasn't really male, like sitting incorrectly or hand jestures, etc.

Well I am tried of not being me. I want to start talking with somebody about it and hopefully that will happen next week. The problem I am having is trying not to act like I am being selfish. All I do is for everybody. My wife, the kids, family, friends. Even when I was younger, I thought of others first and never of myself.

How do you deal with the feeling like you are letting everybody down? How do you deal with feeling like you failed them?

My wife keeps asking if I want to be a woman, but I answer the same, "I have no idea.". Well I have been lying to her and most of all, lying to myself. Given the chance, I want to be a woman for once and all. I am going to have to tell her the same thing. That will be hard.

I am so scared of what could come of this...

:sad:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

you have every right to explore your own identity. i could bombard you with cliches but one is that NOBODY else is gonna live YOUR life....

you are almost exactly where i was 5-10years ago...i waited a very long time to allow myself to admit to myself what my gender feelings really meant to me

one advice i could mention is that you are just gonna have to deal with the guilty feelings...i don't expect them to go away for quite sometime given how far entrenched you are..
you just have to eat those feelings and try to be as rational as possible..nomatter how guilty you feel, you really arent doing anything wrong, and you will wake up the next day feeling better

another advice is take it a day at a time..who knows where opening up to your own feelings will lead...u might think you know, but that's not how it works...

pls hang around and talk to folks here that can give you their own perspective..you might be very surprised at whats possible or may have some big disappointments, but they will be YOUR surprises and disappointments and one thing i can guarantee you is that being able to grow as yourself is very rewarding despite the obstacles

:hugs: again..

[CharleneT]

If the therapy you are starting helps, you might consider asking your therapist if you could bring in your wife and get some help in explaining to her how you are feeling and what you may want to plan. Even spouses who have been supportive of some CD'ing or the like, tend to panic big time at the words "transition to female...".

As for the negative feelings about letting others down etc, it is hard to avoid because this is truly a selfish act. But that doesn't make it bad. Sometimes in life you have to be a little selfish. It can be a matter of survival. It is dealing with your own needs and what you've hidden from the world - but the result can be a much "better you" - especially in terms of being honest with close friends and family. The best advice I can think of is to go slow until you are feeling more confident of your path and how to follow it.

Good luck and as others have said, stick around, many of us have faced similar issues and experiences and can give support and amateur advice !

:bighug:

[Angel.Marie76]

First of all, I don't think you're being selfish at all.

Kaitlyn has it right.. there are going to be feelings within you, and from those outside you, that you might be doing the wrong thing. Only YOU know, or will know, the right paths for travel, and what time is best for the journey. Transition IS a journey, for sure, one where, perhaps simply put, you might have an idea what or where your destination /may/ be, but getting there will involve walking through so much fog... it is best done slowly (and with serious, significant planning ahead).

Folks say baby steps.. and to which I agree for the most part, however it is an instinctual journey.. one driven by not only desire, but common sense values and a strong understanding for everything happening around you. Sometimes people jump headlong into F/T life with little to no prep, and those people sometimes, if not often, suffer some pretty rough roads afterwards.

Also, you might want to think about finding a experienced councilor that understands Gender Identity Disorder (GID), and also connecting with any other Trans support groups that might be in your area. I know my group ALONE has helped me come out of my shell faster than I ever thought would be possible.. it's nice to have a group of real friends to lean on and physically interact with. Of course, by all means, hang around here long enough, and vent your mind; We're listening.

My .02$ :-) Pleasant journeys!

[Inna]

Alicia love, the best feeling I had while going through exactly same, year ago, was that I could turn to my computer and type away all the tears and pain. This site and other like it are our safety valve, no they do not fix our lives but give encouragement, friendships, and motivation.
Selfish thing to do is to do nothing about our condition, then when life gets unbearable as it did to me the alternative would have left everyone who loves me devastated and heart broken.
You are loved, and even though all I see is a internet window with your words on it, I feel your pain and share in your struggle, we all do. You know what you have to do, I can decipher that from your post, do it, don't intellectualize just take the first step. If you follow your heart you can not make a mistake.

With all my love, Alexia

[AliciaJordan]

This all really means a lot. I was scared to even post as that in itself meant admitting my true feelings. It has been so long keeping everything bottled up.

Thanks everyone for the advice and the support.

The funny thing is, I have always been taking it one day at a time, but in the opposite direction. Always just one more day to pretend to be somebody else and by the end of the day, I was so tried of working at not being found out. Now I can work on the other way finally, but with baby steps as I don't want to screw this chance up.

Again, I really appericate everybody here. I hope to be able one day to help others like all of you.

:love:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The funny thing is, I have always been taking it one day at a time, but in the opposite direction. Always just one more day to pretend to be somebody else and by the end of the day, I was so tried of working at not being found out.

:love:

IMHO, this day to day grind of trying to be a man (or a woman for FTM) is the destructive part of being ts

its so sad because its unnecessary and good lives are wasted by people waiting for some kind of change, making excuses why they can't come out, being ashamed (me), or trapped (me) in a world they created for themselves to hide.

regardless of how you proceed, seeing your own light is a life changer..

now actually doing something about it is a whole'nother thing, but working towards a goal FOR YOURSELF is an amazing experience.

you are not selfish