I put the gun to my head and ...

[Daenna Paz]

That's how it felt ... I told my wife a few days ago about this part of my life that I had kept a secret for 35+ years ... ;^)
We will now work through all the questions, worries and all the other issues that come with this type of disclosure.
She is willing to explore my needs, weigh the issues and generally walk through this with me ... what a woman!
I do not pretend to know where this part of our relationship will go, but we will go there together!
I don't understand all the things that drove me to tell her - but one thing is clear ... I love her above all and was tired of all the half-truths.
Now comes the hard part ...... ;^)

[Nicole Erin]

GG's are weird about this. After the coming out, the pattern goes like this -
At first they might be accepting but sooner or later they grow tired of it. Sometimes they want to put all these restraints on your lifestyle.
Many of us TG end up divorced. given the stories, one has the impression that they tell the soupse one day, and the next day they are filing for divorce. It seldom happens that quickly. It just slowly builds that the TG issue starts to put more and more strain on things and sometimes it takes years but finally the marriage ends. My ex-wife knew about Erin for 13 of the 14 years we were together before she finally said hell with it.

When problems do arise for a TG, everyone is always like "why didn't you say anything before marriage?" And you want to say -
Well Einstein, people don't typically disclose their big secrets or problems before marriage. big problems would ruin it from the get-go.

You might get lucky and have very few or no problems but the hardest part is out of the way - at least she knows so it is not like you have to hide that.

Honestly, even with the future prospect of divorce for TG's, the coming out is still the hardest part.

[charlie]

Well Bless you for telling her and bless her for sticking around and staying with you!

[AKAMichelle]

While Nicole's comments are correct, they are not the rule. There are several accepting GG's on this forum who have made the journey with their spouse. It isn't easy for them, but they can make it. Hopefully you have built enough of a foundation to withstand some of the problems which will arise after telling her. Good luck to both of you.

[Inna]

Daenna, truth turns to love even though sometimes hurt will follow right after. As you said in the title, alternative to truth was rather unthinkable, I know, I've been there. I am celebrating your courage and the first step to the rest of "Your" life!

Love, Alexia

[Presh GG]

Why did you wait 35+ years?

This is where the problems start.
That is where the biggest pain comes from.

Also,
Erin and gals, the divorce rate in the US anyhow is over 50 % ..I'd like to see stats on anything verses TG related divorce. I doubt they are differant.

Presh GG

[Tasha McIntyre]

Good luck with the coming days Daenna.

As we have seen many times here, things can go well, but they also can turn to crud. All you can do from now on is answer all the coming questions openly and honestly.

Once again, good luck

Tash :)

[DeeDeeB]

I told my SO a week after I knew Dee was rearing her pretty(?) head. Best thing I could have done. That was about eight years ago, and her acceptance grows stronger every day. We go to CD conferences together, she buys Dee clothes and jewelry. Sure, there are some bumps, but what she dislikes the most is the deception with the outside world.

I add my comments to let you know it can go either in a positive or negative way. Be sensitive to her needs and you may be surprised how she may support yours. Good luck and bless you both.

Dee :fairy1:

[sissystephanie]

I told my dear late wife before we married, and had her acceptance and support for the almost 50 years we had together before cancer took her!

Keeping secrets like that from your wife, or even from your SO, are a very good way to insure that the relationship will not last. A GG marries a man, at least in most cases! If that man likes to dress and act as a woman, he should admit it before the marriage, not years later! Of course I am spouting my own opinion, but it sure worked for me!

Hope your life does work out well for both of you!!

[Tanya83]

35 years?! Wow. I couldn't keep something like this for so long.

[PretzelGirl]

Good for you Daenna! I wish you the best of luck. Different things work for different people, but what worked good for me was to let her set some boundaries as she learned and worked her way through this. One by one the boundaries fell. If you want to do this, you can be providing her with some feeling of control. If you don't, well we all take different paths. But I do hope it is a smooth and happy path for you both.

[Daenna Paz]

[QUOTE=Presh GG;2227949]Why did you wait 35+ years?

This is where the problems start.
That is where the biggest pain comes from.

Why indeed ...

So little information in years past, so little understanding ...
I did what I felt was best until I no longer felt that way.

[pernille d]

i am + 4 months or so since my wife outed me . she does not approve and said i should stop but she knows i cant and wont.she does not mind so much the clothing its the fact for the last 25 yeras she has been lied to by the one she loves the most .The trust we once had is reset to zero so it has to be rebuilt.

who knows where we will end up only time will tell ,you have known Daenna in your life a long time,you cant expect your wife to get to know her so quickly. so give her time she needs to understand and accept things one step at a time and work the problem,

good luck

[Daenna Paz]

Thank you all so much for your encouragement!! ;^)

[Tina B.]

I told my wife five years into our marriage, and that was at a time things where not going so good for us, but we stayed together, and thirty five years later we have a great life , I dress as I please at home with no worries (I'm in the closet by my choice) I get dresses, Perfume, and things like that for holidays) She will bring me flowers on occasion, Or in other words Life is good, very good. So it can go either way, depending on personality's, and the strength of the relationship. So Let me wish you nothing but good luck, what you did is scary but the rewards can be great.
Tina B.

[Paisley GG]

Wishing you and your wife the best.

[juno]

It is important for spouses (and other SOs) to have some external support. Women will often be afraid to discuss this with their normal group of family/friends that they depend on for moral support. They may have just as much fear coming out as a transgender SO as you have coming out as transgender. They need moral support from others who realize that being transgender is not that unusual, and that it doesn't mean you are a degenerate weirdo.

Personally, I don't see how people manage to endure the stress of keeping such a secret for so long. I'm uncomfortable keeping a secret from my wife for one day.

Juno

[Lynn Marie]

Of course wishing you well. Very scary and unsettling. I really like Erin's take on this. Sure nothing is the rule, but I can see a lot of truth in her account of what happens. We'll see. The best to you always. You're such a sweetie, I'm sure she'll be buying you new skirts any day now!

[ReneeT]

daenna,

I applaud your courage after so many years. As they say, better late than never. I would predict that the road will be rocky, but work to keep the lines of communication open. Also, couples counseling with a tg experienced therapist might be of value.


Good luck!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Daenna

That's the way it started for me now it's don't ask don't tell.
I wish you the best of luck.
Once you sreve then the ball is in her court.

Orchid

[patricia 402]

wow! how could you keep this a secret for 35 years?
i always have to come clean before intamacy ,i cant emagine the guilt you must have carried. your a very strong person. i bet its a great weight off your schoulders. i hope from the bottom of my heart this works and she trys to understand. thats the biggest hurdle . as you know at this point it cant be that easy on her either. my best wishes to the both of you.:battingeyelashes:

[jenifer m.]

i was closeted for 35 plus too.its tough to come out but once its done it feels like a huge weights been lifted off your back,and its very liberating right?

[Aeify]

First I want you to know that I am so proud of you! I know it took a lot to tell her, especially after so many years. The longer you keep a secret like that, I think the harder it would be to tell.

Secondly, I just wanted to ask, have you told her about this mb and that she could seek others who have gone through a similar experience? I wish you the best of luck and will certainly say some prayers that this all works out well.

[kimdl93]

I wish you the best. It seems that you and your wife are off to a constructive start. I'm glad she's willing to take this journey with you and applaud your courage in being honest with her.

[Sarah_GG]

You've done the right thing even though you might not feel it at the moment.

Your wife needs support in taking this information on board. Please do direct her to this forum where she can find out what it all means and get her fears and questions addressed.

Don't expect acceptance over night - how long has it taken you to accept this side of yourself? Do please give her as much information as she asks for - answer all questions honestly and as fully as you're able. She has to learn to trust you and that won't happen over night. If crossdressing is such an insignificant thing then why have you lied? There must be more to it than that. That's what she'll be thinking.

Good luck :)

[Daenna Paz]

Well, I did it ... made my first major blunder in this new 'adventure' ...
I asked for some closet space for my things - way too early in the process!
I am finding that taking things at her speed is much easier said than done.
My request last night generated a vigorous discussion early this morning ;^(
We worked through it, but it was painful ... I don't recommend this course of action for the weak of heart!

Maybe not a gun to the head ... maybe more like a knife to the heart ...

[highheelqueen]

Hi Daenna, I know just what happeaned. The way to help cut down on takeing too big of a step. Is to wear really highheels. Its baby steps all the time. When you first start to bring your other soul to the front of the closet. Even then it may take awhile. Good to hear you were able to settle the dust. Just remember baby steps. Hugz Sarah

[kimdl93]

Daenna, after the difficult conversation this morning, painful as it was, how would you characterize the situation - did things improve or get worse?

[Patty B.]

Deanna i sympathize with you been married 29 years now and told my wife a year ago, she thought I'd/was having an affair, so to ease her mind I finally came out. It has been up and down and I still don't know how or if our marriage will turn out. Yes I know how little knowledge was out there back then, I'm 57. Thought it would all go away once I met and dated my wife, hope it all works out for you, slow is best. I'm actually going at a slower pace than my wife has been suggesting. Plus living upstate NY in a small town farming redneck community has never helped my situation.

[Daenna Paz]

Thanx all ...

Kimdl93,

At first, I thought I had driven the situation right off the road ... but after some tears and clarifications, things calmed down. Situation is definitely better at this point ;^)

Patty B,

Funny ... my wife thought the same thing ... that relief factor smoothed out some of the rougher spots in the 'reveal' ...

[kimdl93]

Patty,

that's so great to hear. I guess sometimes difficult conversations can lead to catharsis! Hope it keeps improving for you!

[Daenna Paz]

Here I am at the 2 week mark ... :daydreaming:

Lots of questions, some knowing smiles, puzzled looks and just plain blank stares ... but communication is on-going!
This will be a long process - I can see that clearly now ... have not been able to ask for anything (concessions) yet ... maybe soon ;^)

[Jonianne]

If you havn't, start discussing boundries and groundrules with her. Find her comfort level. You can rediscuss them in the future, but give her the comfort you are willing to stick by them for the relationship sake.

[Sallee]

I agree with that the GG's need support to and they often are reluctant to tell their normal group of friends who give support. At least that is how I see it with my wife We have been together 30+ years and she has known for most of those years and is accepting for the most part but it is not easy for her and I don't push it, but dresses do hang in my closet.
Good luck talk a lot

[Cassandra Lynn]

Congrats on this huge step in yours and your wife's life Daenna, i know from another conversation we've had (several months ago) that you are a strong and good person, so i have faith that you two will come to accept this new life with peace and grace.
My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
mj (Cassie)

[Angie G]

That's awesome news Deanna.I wish you all the best. And remember go slow don't push it. I know it will work for you. From your wife being willing to talk about it your half way home hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Patty B.]

At the one year mark, its still up and down, sometimes accepting and sometimes not. Still has questions, and still answer honestly. But now I'm perceived as another woman she lives with, says my femininity is coming out more and more even though I dont realize its happening. She's presently looking for someone, counsler, therapist to talk to and I only have a feel for where our lives are going. But she is very rigid, feeling I'm no longer a husband, no matter how she praises me for being there during our marriage for her, kids and all the health issues, and life in general. Time will tell.

[Tina B.]

Remember you have had years to think about it, she is just starting out on the journey, give her time to catch up. I know a couple of weeks just now seems like forever, but for her to have time to digest all of this, it's just a blink of an eye.
To often, me included, go off the deep end after coming out, after all we wait a lifetime to do it, and then want to jump in with both feet. This can scare the heck out of a person, so many changes so fast. Some of get lucky and find someone that can except right off, for some it can take years, and then there is those that can never deal with it. I had the last type first, and got lucky and got the first kind second, it's been a better life because of it. But there are plenty of stories on this site of those that married the second type, the ones that come around slowly, and they often need a lot of reassurance that they have not lost the man they married. The best advice I could give is, don't rush her, but slowly try to move her along. Good luck with it!
Tina B.

[Daenna Paz]

This marks the third week since coming out to my wife ...
Fewer conversations these days ... but more intense when we do talk.

Earlier this week, I had mentioned that one of my 'social groups' was planning a meet-up for Friday (tomorrow). i said it would be fun to go but I felt I wanted to concentrate on my wife right now. Not trying to ingratiate myself or anything ... it really was and is how I feel.
Nothing more was said this week, however, and I hadn't really thought about it any more. Dinner plans with my wife had been made and all was good ...
then tonight, out of the blue, she says to me "I know you have your meet-up tomorrow, are you sure you wouldn't like to go? I know it's important ..."
I was floored! What can you say when someone truly begins to understand what this all means? I gratefully declined, saying that I still felt I wanted to have this time with her ... but the door just opened a little wider! ;^)

[Christy_M]

Congratulations on taking this huge step in your life. I came out to my first wife by choice and had some pretty good years with her (Except for her flaming bitch moments unrelated to Christy). After that marriage ended, it was back into the closet for another 12 years and into the 3rd marriage where I was caught. That conversation didn't go well and I told her I would stop...Now the guilt is wearing me down to the point that I know I have to talk to her again about this part of me. I am scared SH**less about the consequences but can not deter my need for this expression.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward and as mentioned by someone earlier, if the foundation is sound, I am sure there are more reasons to work together through this than drift apart becasue of it.

[Patty B.]

Deanna, its great you want to spend time with your wife as a couple, this is what you've probably done all your lives together. I've tried to spend as much time with my wife this past year doing things together. But do to her health issues, hasn't always been possible, and I do miss not being able to do more together. It'll take time for the two of you, it's been a year for us and it is still an ongoing process.

[AKAMichelle]

That's not a little wider, she just opened the door for you. That is pretty important right now. It looks like you will eventually get through the problems. There will be other meetups and maybe those are the ones to go to. Besides there is always Halloween at Phyllis's.

[Tara1967]

Congratulations for coming out to your wife. I know that in the long run of things, all will be better. For now you don't have your secret weighing you down and putting conviction on you daily. I know you already feel more free. Tara

[JulieK1980]

This marks the third week since coming out to my wife ...
Fewer conversations these days ... but more intense when we do talk.

Earlier this week, I had mentioned that one of my 'social groups' was planning a meet-up for Friday (tomorrow). i said it would be fun to go but I felt I wanted to concentrate on my wife right now. Not trying to ingratiate myself or anything ... it really was and is how I feel.
Nothing more was said this week, however, and I hadn't really thought about it any more. Dinner plans with my wife had been made and all was good ...
then tonight, out of the blue, she says to me "I know you have your meet-up tomorrow, are you sure you wouldn't like to go? I know it's important ..."
I was floored! What can you say when someone truly begins to understand what this all means? I gratefully declined, saying that I still felt I wanted to have this time with her ... but the door just opened a little wider! ;^)

It sounds like you two are on the right path! :) I wish you both the best of luck. If you continue the open communication, and honesty things will work out. The divorce rates that everyone mentions relate (I think) to poor communication skills between spouses more than crossdressing.

[Daenna Paz]

Besides there is always Halloween at Phyllis's.

Do tell me more!! :devil: :devil: :devil:

[KrazyKat]

Daenna, the hard part might be a coming, but hard work can be very rewarding!!!

I'm sharing this from my own insights of Karen and I's last 5 years together!! It's really wonderful now!!:hugs:

Wishing you and yours all the best and lots of love and understanding to find your way together to happiness!!:hugs:

[Daenna Paz]

Well ... here we are ... 1 month since I told all to my wife. Looking back, it has been an interesting time; we are more communicative, I am more demonstrative (in affection), and on the surface things seem to be stable ... therein lies the problem - no real movement from my perspective. Oh, she has expressed understanding in my need to go out ... that is truly wonderful!
But nothing else has changed ... am I being too impatient here? Desperately trying not to be ...
Anyway, this will probably be my last update for this thread; I will post milestones if and when they occur.
Thank you all for your supportive comments and love ... I feel blessed. :daydreaming: