Hi Strangers

[Gillian]

I have not been around as much over the past six months, after dealing with my father dying and helping my mother to come to terms, I was also dealing with a SO who has known about my "other side" for almost all our marriage, but has swept it under the carpet despite a few occasions when it has been brought out for "discussion" I then get all embarrased and find it hard to express, and invariably she gets very aggressive and abusive and we never talk it out and explanations never ever get done.

Well a couple of weeks ago we had been having car trouble with my wife's car, and that brought about her returning to the home about 15>20 minutes after leaving, well most of you are ahead of the game here and yes! I was, I got caught after having literally 30 seconds to strip as much and hide as much as I could, and I got caught in the act!

It was always going to happen and I am NOT seeking any sympathy but am seeking guidance on how to clear this one, as I tried, again,,, to talk it out but all I faced was anger and name calling, but it is of the type and this is what I need help with please read this and tell me how I should deal with it.

The car issues, well it neccessitated taking the part back to the garage, today was the day I had as I work Mon>Fri, I was accused of not being a man for not taking it back myself during the week (but,,,, I work Mon to Fri and didn't have the chance, remember folks???)
She will do a stint like this, and as soon as I reply or retort back only once! she says "grow up" I am replying to her outburst not initiating it! She can snipe at me I have no right of reply,, is that correct? GET REAL!

We have been Married for 23 years have a daughter of 7 and in my humble, I am only sticking with the marriage right now for her sake, not my wife and certainly not for me, as this is a bit of a misery to be frank.

If she is hurt then she should let me talk it out rationally, not close it away where suspicion and anger breed, I try and can express myself but need warm into to get me started as it is a very difficult issue to talk about having never ever done so.

Can anyone advise how to do this properly?

I am compelled to be Gillian feel a comfort and a coping mechanism in being her, I am not gay, but equally have no sex drive at all, not fully related to this recent situation but probably inter-twined somehow?
I am very very confused and upset but can't show it. please if anyone can advise or help it will be massively welcome.

Take care

Gillian

[mklinden2010]

G,

Sorry about your Dad. Those are tough times in life.

Speaking to someone else about cding, I found it very helpful to practice actually saying the words over and over again. First I had to convince myself that what I was saying fit what I was thinking and feeling. Then, I had to check my word choices and logic to make sure I said what I meant and that what I meant to say would sound sensible.

When I got around to talking to someone, I was confident that, even if I wasn't perfect, I'd still be able to lead, follow, and work with whatever path the conversation took.

I had an SO, who because of her drinking, would sometimes back-peddle, flip-flop, or, find a new loop to try in her own thinking about my cding. Being firm about what I thought and felt, and able to speak normally about it - it was hard - impossible - for her to trip us both up and set us on a backwards course.

As a decent human being I also demanded a certain amount of personal respect for - for both of us. That "like a man" stuff? I made it clear I would not tolerate any personal attacks from an "official" SO:

"A part for a car? Gender and sex has nothing to do with auto repair. But, if you want me to do it, on time and happily, say something nice like, "I could do it, but you're so much better at this kind of thing than I am.""

Additionally, this same SO taught me a very good point about sex. (She did have her good days too.) Her point was that for her to feel like having sex, she had to know that I was trustworthy, cared about her well being, and showed it by happily being a part of her life. "Safe sex" is more than just a condom, it's being safe to be around, fun to be around, and, assured that everything you do is part of a good future. After I thought about it, I felt the same way she did about sex. If I was around someone I liked and trusted, it really helped me get in the mood better than anything.

If I were in a relationship for the sake of a child, I would say several times a day, "Our daugther" and make it clear what WE were really doing with our lives.

The divorce rate if 50%. The chances of anyone staying married forever are not that great. Buuuut.... You'll always have this child in common, and you will always have a certain amount of history in common. Treat all of that well and admit, "I want this to always go well for all of us" and it should help thing to smooth out. This is not jail, it is not hell, it is something we both want to be a part of always.

As noted before, I sometimes tell my SO that I will or might be cding on a given day, but a lot of times I don't. She pays very little attention to what I wear or when, but she pays a lot of attention to how I treat her, and how I feel about myself.

Which I think is pretty cool.

Good practice, good thoughts, and good luck!

[Gillian]

Thank you for that I appreciate the depth of your reply, the car thing stings as I am a petrol head in both formats of my life :o And I had no problem in returning the part but my wife wanted to be present to scream and rant if the return didn't go the way she thought it should I also think that she is reacting out of hurt, anger or some form of emotion. I wish I had the courage to actually "do" something about this situation, but before I do I will need to try and reach her and negotiate a new peace settlement first.

As if I need this hassle as work too has been rather stressfull due to the recession and banking :)

[rickibarr]

May I strongly suggest marriage counseling. I stayed in the marriage misery until my daughter was 6 and finally left due to the violence, oral and physical. This was probably the smartest thing that I ever did in my life.

Life is much too short to be miserable and unhappy. If she won't go, go yourself to a counselor and sort it out.

By the way, a miserable marriage is a very poor example to set for any child, especially one with screaming and abuse; been there, done that.

[Alberta_Pat]

Gillian;

My deepest sympathy for you and your mother on the loss of your Father. I sincerely wish you the very best.

The situation with your wife sounds as if she is denying the possibility that you can have a feminine side. On the other hand, she sounds somewhat dominant in the relationship. Something you have seen in her family perhaps?

As Rickibarr suggests, some direct counselling could well be a benefit. Individually, or as a couple. Having someone neutral to mediate the discussion could help to find the chink in her armour.

You express the "need" to remain together for the sake of your daughter. I understand that fully. I too have had an abusive wife where children were involved.

I took the other route. I made the decision to depart the house, can't call it a home with all the anger that was there. Fortunately, the children were young enough that they missed it all.

Your daughter will remember these days in her life. Your wife and you must do what you can to keep any fear and distrust from affecting her. Whether this be as a couple, or as two distinct, but loving, people is something that you will have to decide.

It does seem that your life cannot continue as it is now.

Hoping for you;

Pat

[Gaby2]

Hi Gillian,
I've briefly read through your thoughts and I simply hope better times lay ahead for you. You are coping and I'm sure opening up to others like us helps. It sure helps me,
:love:
gaby

[RachelPortugal]

Hi Gillian,

It's nice to see you're back. My condolences, albeit a little late, for the loss of your father.

I wish I could give you some more advice, other than what has already been suggested. My own story may help you.

I managed to work through that angry period with my wife who was more upset by the deception (doing things behind her back) than the CD'ing, which she had encouraged at one point and then came to dislike for whatever reason. Despite all the shouting and abuse, I still loved my wife so staying together for the childrens' sakes was never an issue.

The CD'ing never went away as my wife had hoped and finally we had a long discussion and set in place some ground rules which we both agreed to and that I am sticking to. We are both much happier now and we have even been shopping together for Rachael's wardrobe and she has been passing things from her wardrobe, just like 20 years ago.

There are so many factors to consider, but do you really want to waste another 10 - 15 years in a bad relationship for the sake of a daughter who may grow up to resent you for making her live in a hostile environment.

The bottom line is "Work it out or get out". Sorry if that is not what you want to hear.

xx

[gemsay32]

The wife that gets mad and says you need to grow up and be a man is the one that's mad. When people are mad they act irrationally. Do not associate her outbursts with the real wife. This is part of what happens when you live with other people for long lengths of time. They get angry. You get angry. When the brain is stressed, it cannot focus and is in fight/flight mode. Just realize that what she said is not the real her.

She just wants the car to work. Fix the car. And so on. That's my opinion. She uses your CDing as an excuse. If you fix the car, she'll relax. Over time, she'll start using other excuses when she's mad (for why things don't go as planned). The reality is, she's just as confused as you. She wants things to work smoothly, just like you do.

Counseling could help her and you understand that you both are confused. Anger is not the answer to confusion. Perhaps need to meditate on how life throws curve balls and we need to react. Sometimes what happens is outside of our control.

[Gillian]

The wife that gets mad and says you need to grow up and be a man is the one that's mad. When people are mad they act irrationally. Do not associate her outbursts with the real wife. This is part of what happens when you live with other people for long lengths of time. They get angry. You get angry. When the brain is stressed, it cannot focus and is in fight/flight mode. Just realize that what she said is not the real her.

She just wants the car to work. Fix the car. And so on. That's my opinion.

Hi Gemsay, Yes I can see through the outbursts to this perspective and think that her anger is cluding her ability to deal realistically. I also think that betrayal is causing the anger.






The CD'ing never went away as my wife had hoped and finally we had a long discussion and set in place some ground rules which we both agreed to and that I am sticking to. We are both much happier now and we have even been shopping together for Rachael's wardrobe and she has been passing things from her wardrobe, just like 20 years ago.



This point is spot on the CD'ing will not go away it has been in me since 13 years old so 33 years and now especially since becoming a member here has truly blossomed for me into a state of being I adore, even to the point that if I thought I could escape the gaze of neighbours and I could make my sow's ear face look more of a silk purse, I would be out on every occasion. But how does this reflect my position?

Well, the gossip is girls, I had more of a meaningful conversation over dinner for five minutes last night than in the entire ten years previously! I learned it is indeed the feeling of betrayal and that she felt anger and me for getting her into this, well that I can relate to and I expressed that I do not choose my need it gripped me and despite my attempts it is a coping mechanism for several aspects of life such as stress and has nothing to do with being homosexual in any way. I was also told that is why my wife Loaths me working from home! At that the conversation was force moved by my wife.

So, Again I have tried to get it moving and am now aiming for ground rules as my feelings do not look likely to alter hers are slightly adjusting but I am not going to push this I will let her come to terms and deal with the anger, take the abuse to a point then discuss how we deal with it, logically and effectively as adults for the sake of a 23 year marriage, and a young child. If at that I can gain her ability to ignore Gillian and tolerate the times she is working or out? then I can truly become content and find a way within the marriage to rebuild things.

or is that folly and selfish of me?

[DonnaT]

When my wife finds a need to rant, I just let her rant, most of the time. Sure, I could argue back, but it wouldn't change her need.

If it ever got to the point I questioned my love for her, then there'd be a problem, but after 35yrs, I still don't have a problem with it.

[Brenda79135]

One of things that worked for me was she knows where I am and what I'm doing. I mean really, does she wnat you out at bars or whatever. Tell her that if she wants you to be a typical male, then just go out without telling where you are going and what you are doing. Then stay out way past anytime she would expect you back. Explain to her that with this you would be home and be counted on to answer the phone when she needs you.

[Samantha Girl]

So sorry for your loss and the curent state of your relationship. I don't know that I have much advice for you. I would merely echoe people who said get counseling. Your wife's attitude about all this does not suggest to me someone who will ever listen to you, much less discuss it rationally or get counseling. I am sorry, but I honestly agree with the others who said they got out of relationships like this and their children were better for it. It just sounds like she has very little respect for you and your relationship. I wish I had something better to offer you :( Good luck, I hope you figure it out.

[AKAMichelle]

You must take care of the issue of your wife first. If you are miserable as you say, then you must decide how much more you can take. My marriage was like this for 26 years. Maybe not as bad but definitely not good.

I can only tell you the story of my mother and father. My father came to me 29 years ago and told me he was divorcing my mother and asked if I wanted to move out with him. I answered "yes". A few days later he came to me and told me that he wasn't going to get the divorce because it was going to cost him too much money. I told him that he was a fool for selling out his happiness for money. They were able to patch up the marriage but weren't very happy. After 54 years of marriage they finally got their divorce. My father lost half of his money anyway and went on. The reason for the divorce was that my mom was having an affair of the heart.

I hope you find a solution for your issues.