Morality of payment options

[Ze]

I've been struggling for months, looking for ways to pay for the therapy that's largely meant to start hormones. All other avenues have failed; insurance, Medicaid, free charity services, everything you can think of. I continue to be unable to find work, my school services are severely lacking and unhelpful, and the LGBT groups I've been able to track down either are inadequate in themselves or clueless for how to help my situation. Long story short, I'm out of options and I simply need to find a way to afford the beginnings of transition.

Enter my mother, who does not accept me and has made my life hell ever since I came out to her. (Big mistake on my part.) But in a recent odd turn of events, she brought up how I need to go to therapy. She believes that it'll turn me female and I'll go back to meekly bowing down to her for any and all reasons. (She has been both manipulative and possessive for my entire life. I'm her verbal punching bag and whatnot, her property. She's not at all happy that I was so defiant as to move away for grad school.) So she's been urging me to start therapy.

So we're both after the same thing for me, but with drastically different results. With me so far?

Today I told her all the avenues I've tried and all the roadblocks I consequently found. In the end, she said that she'd start paying the fees herself so that I could "get the help I desperately need."

I'm in a serious moral conflict about this. I don't want her money. (She doesn't have money to give to begin with.) I don't want to be in her debt. And I especially don't want any of this under these circumstances; her giving me the money under false pretenses. She's in so much denial that she doesn't comprehend why I would want therapy. When she starts putting money down only to realize that I'm moving even further into masculinity, her reaction will be quite bad.

But by this point, unless I land a job with medical benefits, my transition is put on an undetermined hold. It's hurting me to continue waiting with no guarantee or assurance it'll ever happen.

So if you were in this situation, what would you do? Would you take the offer?

[Tomara]

Hi Ze
Sorry for your dilemma , have you applied for Mass Health ? I'm not sure what their criteria is if you are going to school and don't have a job.
I think you already know the answer to your question , but in my eyes until your mom accepts the fact that you are going to be who you are and not what she wants you to be having her pay for your therapy would probably just cause more problems in your relationship with her.
I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer than that for you.
Hang in there.
:hugs:Tomara

[Faith_G]

I wouldn't take her money. It is likely to come with strings attached (who gets to choose the therapist?) and as you say her reaction to the failure of a therapist to make you all girly is going to be bad. Taking this money will make it much harder for you to ever have a healthy relationship with your mom.

[Kieron Andrew]

have you applied for Mass Health ? I'm not sure what their criteria is if you are going to school and don't have a job.yup he's tried that ...hes tried every health insurance we can both think of

[Ze]

Thanks so far, ladies. :) Tomara, yeah, I was denied by MassHealth, too.

Edit: Dammit, Kieron, you sneaked in there! :ner:

[ReineD]

Ze, the goal of therapy is to achieve a sense of well-being for those who have issues they feel they cannot surmount on their own. Ideally it shouldn't matter what the outcome is, provided the sense of well-being is achieved.

If you can deliver this point to your mother, and tell her that you will enter therapy with an open mind but the outcome of seeing a therapist might well be very different than what she expects, then you will have fulfilled any moral obligation to be honest with her. If she persists in believing that the only possible outcome is for you to rid yourself of trans feelings, then it will be her choice to remain in denial.

But, you did say that she also does not have the money, and I would be reluctant to have her pay for this reason alone.

Not the best answer, Im afraid, but I'm still and always will be pulling for ya! :love:

I know you'll keep plugging away at it until you find a solution, and I'm sure a solution will present itself eventually. :hugs:

[Tomara]

Hi Again
I thought that the purpose of Mass Health was to insure that everyone who lives here would have health insurance coverage !
Here are the rules , You have to play by them , but oops you don't qualify !
Maybe you could start a therapy for Ze campaign and we could all donate to your therapy fund.
I'm not joking , I would donate !
Tomara

[Ze]

Hi Again
I thought that the purpose of Mass Health was to insure that everyone who lives here would have health insurance coverage !
Here are the rules , You have to play by them , but oops you don't qualify !

Yep. I was quite disillusioned by the rejection. I'm guessing it has to do in part with the economy. Everybody is clamoring for medical help these days, so being unemployed and/or unable to afford insurance isn't a good enough reason anymore. Basically, they wanted me to be either HIV-positive, pregnant, or physically disabled before I could be covered.

Especially since it's MA law that everybody has to be insured, rejections shouldn't be allowed.


Maybe you could start a therapy for Ze campaign and we could all donate to your therapy fund.
I'm not joking , I would donate !

That's a very kind idea, but I'm far too proud to take money like that. :) Ask Kieron.

[CharleneT]

Ze, the goal of therapy is to achieve a sense of well-being for those who have issues they feel they cannot surmount on their own. Ideally it shouldn't matter what the outcome is, provided the sense of well-being is achieved.

If you can deliver this point to your mother, and tell her that you will enter therapy with an open mind but the outcome of seeing a therapist might well be very different than what she expects, then you will have fulfilled any moral obligation to be honest with her. If she persists in believing that the only possible outcome is for you to rid yourself of trans feelings, then it will be her choice to remain in denial.

But, you did say that she also does not have the money, and I would be reluctant to have her pay for this reason alone.

Not the best answer, Im afraid, but I'm still and always will be pulling for ya! :love:

I know you'll keep plugging away at it until you find a solution, and I'm sure a solution will present itself eventually. :hugs:

:iagree: well put :thumbsup:

It is a very difficult situation you are in, good luck to you in finding a funding source.

[Kieron Andrew]

That's a very kind idea, but I'm far too proud to take money like that. :) Ask Kieron.

id find a way to make you take it lol, i do know your email and i can set up Paypal :p

[Ze]

id find a way to make you take it lol, i do know your email and i can set up Paypal :p

Dude, you do that and I send it right back. :slap:

Oh, and that e-mail isn't hooked up to my Paypal so ha ha. :tongueout

[Kieron Andrew]

Oh, and that e-mail isn't hooked up to my Paypal so ha ha. :tongueout
but it could be...id just use my bank details and take the money for you :p...all im saying is there is away around you being proud lol

[Billijo49504]

Just a idea, try getting a job as a CNA. Nurse's aids usually get some health benifits. At least here in Michigan, you don't have to have your license to get a job. You can start at a lower pay, get the experience and then get your license. My kid was getting $10 hr, paid vacation, 401k and a good health plan w/ dental. Like I say, just a thought...BJ

[Ze]

all im saying is there is away around you being proud lol

If I couldn't send it back, I just wouldn't spend it. :raspp:

(Actually, let's not get into this argument, okay? :elaugh: I simply won't accept it.)


Just a idea, try getting a job as a CNA.

I'm already certified as a pharmacy technician, which can have just as good of benefits. :) Problem is nobody is hiring! I've been applying for anything I can find; host, dishwasher, cashier, etc. I've actually looked at CNA jobs, but they all demand 4+ years experience and whatnot.

But yes, it's a helpful thought in itself.

[Inna]

Mothers are here to care for their children who have been fathered by immature male units who run around in circles looking to father children whom mothers will care for........:D

Ok, I know, it is a serious matter so I am putting on my serious face :eek:

The mother who loves you and want you, as you put it, for her self( I thought only my mother did that ) is proposing that she will pay for your well being. Ok, stop and listen to what she is saying! She wants you to get help, right? She wants you to get better, right?

Why do you bring morality question to an obvious situation filled with love and goodness which ever way it turns out?
Do you really know what she means by giving you the opportunity to get help, is it truly selfishness of hers or is it love of hers for you, and do you know what tomorrow will bring. It is obvious to me she loves you and coming from someone who mothered, yes mothered, even my wife says that about me, 16 year old boy, I would always find ways to help. I believe the fact of accepting her help is the fact of accepting her love and you will do her a favor by doing so whatever the outcome. And you, are you really lying to her, doesn't she already know your struggle. Isn't her help suppose to help you to find real you. OK I got waaaaaay too serious:eek: so lighten up:bonk: take the money :GD: pray for your mom:evilbegon and get to therapy :cheers:

Yo dude!

[Ze]

To be honest, Alexia, my mother is kind of...ah...abusive? "Just" psychological, yes, but other people in my life took care of the physical side for her. I unfortunately don't read her current offer as something out of love. I truly do believe she just wants me back to the type of person she had complete control over.

Yet the idea that I might be able to finally start transition with such money (that doesn't really exist) is incredibly tempting.

[Melissa A.]

Ze, the goal of therapy is to achieve a sense of well-being for those who have issues they feel they cannot surmount on their own. Ideally it shouldn't matter what the outcome is, provided the sense of well-being is achieved.

If you can deliver this point to your mother, and tell her that you will enter therapy with an open mind but the outcome of seeing a therapist might well be very different than what she expects, then you will have fulfilled any moral obligation to be honest with her. If she persists in believing that the only possible outcome is for you to rid yourself of trans feelings, then it will be her choice to remain in denial.

But, you did say that she also does not have the money, and I would be reluctant to have her pay for this reason alone.

Not the best answer, Im afraid, but I'm still and always will be pulling for ya! :love:

I know you'll keep plugging away at it until you find a solution, and I'm sure a solution will present itself eventually. :hugs:

This is, as has already been said, is very well put. And it sure is a dillemma. But it would be hard for me to accept the "help" if I were in your shoes, Ze. It really would, as it, at it's core, is just another attempt at manipulation. The one reason I think I might is this: If you do not, and eventually come to a solution to your problem, which I am sure you will, things most likely will not change between you and her, unless it's for another reason. Her view will be that you went and found someone who agrees with you, and that's why you didn't accept her help. However, if you say, "Ok, mom, I'll find a well regarded therapist, and you help me out", and the predictable happens(he or she agrees that you are trans and approves you for hormone therapy) there is a chance, albeit slim, that she is at least is forced to think about this, maybe even is compelled to have a session with said therapist, to find out where her money went. it's a long shot, but might work. Is this also manipulative, in some respects? yeah, unfortunately, it is. Is it evil, dishonest or underhanded? I'd have to say...Naah. If you're worried about your own sense of right and wrong, well, ok, I can understand that. If you're worried about decieving her, well, you're really not. The fact that you know the likely outcome(as long as you see a good, ethical therapist) better than she does isn't your fault.

My closest friend went through hell as a child and teen, and while she eventually made amends with her dad, to some degree before he died, she never got to do so with her mother. I can tell by the way she talks about all of this that she still wishes she had, even though the woman was horrible to her. Amazing how strong those ties are, even in the worst of relationships.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Kaden]

It would depend on my state of mind. If I was able to cope until I could find another way to get the money than I would put all my effort into that. I was having a really tough time and knew that I had to see a psych for the sake of my mental health then I would take the money after making it really clear to her what my expectations from seeing that psych were.

The point that I can't empathise with is the relationship you have with your mother. The tone of your posts really suggest that the last thing you want to do is take her money because of the relationship you've had with her and her lack of acceptance for who you are, because of that I suspect it will stress you more in the long run.

I myself want nothing more than to start the process ASAP, I'm sick of waiting and just want to see progress but I'm trying to keep that in perspective, in the scheme of things a year or two isn't really that long, it seems like it now but in hindsight it wont, if your mental health is alright than waiting isn't the end of the world.

Go with your gut.

[Nicole Erin]

Stay the F away from that kind of help/money!

Some people, like probably your mom, *will* help with money or whatever but at the cost of thinking they can manipulate you.
Trust me young man, it is not worth it. You take that money/hepl, she will be sticking her nose further up your ass than what you care to imagine.

Some shrinks out there are evil b^stards, and would try to "convert" you to living female, which in your heart you know you are not one

Here is another game some folks play - OK so she was a pain when you lived at home, but now that you are gone, she is probably acting all sad like "OH how we miss you" but trust me, if you were to go back, things would be even worse. I know this from seeing and experiencing personally and by proxy (like when my wife moved back to her homestate and family problems got out of hand like never before) My family was the same way, when I was gone they missed me but now that I am back (well as of 4 years now) but they could give two turds.

Wht kind of life would it be to live as a chosen gender when the "support" system is against you?

[Sandra Dunn]

Sounds like you need to "RUN". i know that in itself is scary, very scary. When I was able to leave home it was a great day and other then a relocation I have only visited and I enjoy the long leriods between the visits; emails are great.

Really, you need to get out on your own ASAP. I know this means delaying the process a few months, hey, ins't your sanity worth it?

I'm paying for my own visits and I do as much research as I can on my own and this has helped reduce my visits to once a month and I should be getting the first letter on my next visit. This will be my third visit.

Build up your social network with some actual face to face time and other activities, even go to church. I'm sure there is an MCC near you.

HUGS Sandra