pamela_a
08-08-2010, 02:29 PM
A long look back:
As the 1 year anniversary of my transition at work and the official start of my RLE arrives on Aug. 11th, I have to look back. Looking back I can see how fortunate I've been, not only in the past year but in many events leading up to that day.
As my therapist jokingly noted I did my transition backwards in some respects. By the time I finally broke down in Apr. 09 and decided to see a therapist about transitioning I'd already completely changed my wardrobe. I had gotten rid of ALL of my male clothing several years before and eveything I wore was women's (ok, my shoes were still mens but not expressly male style). What I wore wasn't overly feminine but there was also no mistaking it either. No jewelry and minimal make up, usually just foundation. Of course I was fortunate in that I was also wearing the "normal" foundation garments, including a bra since even pre HRT I naturally fill a 40D.
I was also fortunate to have an exeptional relationship with children. My daughter and her family (husband and daughter) have stood by me since I told her what was happening. My son is still at home and just graduated from high school last June and I feel we're as close as we've ever been. In addition to that all of my children's friends have accepted me as Pam. The guys now treat me like they would a woman (not that I really included myself in the majority of the "guy talk" stuff anyway) and the women have openly embraced me as a woman. I'm not just talking about my daughter's older friends either. I've been priveledged to sit down on many occasions for girl talk with my teenaged son's female friends also. Since most of the kids hang out all the time at my house anyway it's a regular thing. If you believe the ultimate gesture of acceptance is not in words but deeds, 2 of the girls took me out to dinner last week for nothing more than as thanks "for everything I've done" for them.
At work my transition was a huge non-event and I was humbled by the outpouring of support and accceptance. Not only by my colleagues but by people who I'd never met or directly worked with from all over the world (I'm in technical engineering support and work with our other groups around the world).
I've been fortunate by living in a state where I was not only allowed to change my name but gender also. All of my identfication and documents including birth certificate, driver license, social security, and passport all corrrectly identify me as female.
The most recent example still has me very pleased. I joined a health club and so far have had no issues, problems, or concerns with anything there; especially around using the women's locker rooms. To be changing and have another woman start to dress/undress right next to me with no apparent concern or apprehension on her part has been an enormous confidence boost to me.
Even looking at everything positive that's happened it's still impossible to overlook the painful ones. My wife of 26 years passed away last October. Although I can't say she was overly excited about my transition we were at least talking about staying together and toward the end she even started calling me Pam.
I've had to learn to confront my demons too. Mostly it's the pain and emotions I'd not allowed myself to feel. Having lost my brother over 16 years ago and my parents in 2000 and 01, I found the grief "he" put away and never dealt with is still there and finally allowing myself to feel has brought it all to the forefront. I also can't help but wonder how they would have accepted me since none of them knew about Pam.
I've had old friends who've surprised me with their accpetance and some who I believed would accept me flat out condemn me. Yet I've experienced, if not acceptance, at least understanding from those in the church (conservative, funtamentalist, Baptist) in which I grew up which I may be able to take, partially at least, as the answer to the question would my parents have accepted Pam since that was a central part of their life and beliefs.
I've also been fortunate in meeting a number of wonderful new people; sisters and brothers on the same journey. Some I've been fortunate to follow after, learning from their experience the things not to do or do differently. Ones who have helped me believe I can do it because they have. Sisters who've supported me, listened to me, comforted me when I've cried and helped me realize things about myself I'd never seen.
Most of all I'm truly fortunate because I've finally been able to free myself from the lies and constraints I'd lived under most of my life and experience the freedom and joy of living as me, a woman. I don't think I'll ever find the words to properly express how absolutely wonderful that is.
It's taken work, confidence (especially when I had to fake it), perseverence, and, in many ways, a lot of attitude to get here but I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are still many fears I have, concerns for the future but I refuse to let them control my life.
If you're still reading this please understand, I didn't write this as a "look what I've done" thing. There are too many posts from others who've had horrible, unjust things happen to them yet they forge on. My heart goes out to them and they have my utmost admiration for their courage, strength, and determination. But what I fear is those just starting or even just contemplating beginning the journey to become themselves may become too frightened or discouraged. Even though you do need to be prepared for it, the worst reaction is often only in our mind, our own fears many times worse than what does happen, and the reality is the goal is more than worth it.
As the 1 year anniversary of my transition at work and the official start of my RLE arrives on Aug. 11th, I have to look back. Looking back I can see how fortunate I've been, not only in the past year but in many events leading up to that day.
As my therapist jokingly noted I did my transition backwards in some respects. By the time I finally broke down in Apr. 09 and decided to see a therapist about transitioning I'd already completely changed my wardrobe. I had gotten rid of ALL of my male clothing several years before and eveything I wore was women's (ok, my shoes were still mens but not expressly male style). What I wore wasn't overly feminine but there was also no mistaking it either. No jewelry and minimal make up, usually just foundation. Of course I was fortunate in that I was also wearing the "normal" foundation garments, including a bra since even pre HRT I naturally fill a 40D.
I was also fortunate to have an exeptional relationship with children. My daughter and her family (husband and daughter) have stood by me since I told her what was happening. My son is still at home and just graduated from high school last June and I feel we're as close as we've ever been. In addition to that all of my children's friends have accepted me as Pam. The guys now treat me like they would a woman (not that I really included myself in the majority of the "guy talk" stuff anyway) and the women have openly embraced me as a woman. I'm not just talking about my daughter's older friends either. I've been priveledged to sit down on many occasions for girl talk with my teenaged son's female friends also. Since most of the kids hang out all the time at my house anyway it's a regular thing. If you believe the ultimate gesture of acceptance is not in words but deeds, 2 of the girls took me out to dinner last week for nothing more than as thanks "for everything I've done" for them.
At work my transition was a huge non-event and I was humbled by the outpouring of support and accceptance. Not only by my colleagues but by people who I'd never met or directly worked with from all over the world (I'm in technical engineering support and work with our other groups around the world).
I've been fortunate by living in a state where I was not only allowed to change my name but gender also. All of my identfication and documents including birth certificate, driver license, social security, and passport all corrrectly identify me as female.
The most recent example still has me very pleased. I joined a health club and so far have had no issues, problems, or concerns with anything there; especially around using the women's locker rooms. To be changing and have another woman start to dress/undress right next to me with no apparent concern or apprehension on her part has been an enormous confidence boost to me.
Even looking at everything positive that's happened it's still impossible to overlook the painful ones. My wife of 26 years passed away last October. Although I can't say she was overly excited about my transition we were at least talking about staying together and toward the end she even started calling me Pam.
I've had to learn to confront my demons too. Mostly it's the pain and emotions I'd not allowed myself to feel. Having lost my brother over 16 years ago and my parents in 2000 and 01, I found the grief "he" put away and never dealt with is still there and finally allowing myself to feel has brought it all to the forefront. I also can't help but wonder how they would have accepted me since none of them knew about Pam.
I've had old friends who've surprised me with their accpetance and some who I believed would accept me flat out condemn me. Yet I've experienced, if not acceptance, at least understanding from those in the church (conservative, funtamentalist, Baptist) in which I grew up which I may be able to take, partially at least, as the answer to the question would my parents have accepted Pam since that was a central part of their life and beliefs.
I've also been fortunate in meeting a number of wonderful new people; sisters and brothers on the same journey. Some I've been fortunate to follow after, learning from their experience the things not to do or do differently. Ones who have helped me believe I can do it because they have. Sisters who've supported me, listened to me, comforted me when I've cried and helped me realize things about myself I'd never seen.
Most of all I'm truly fortunate because I've finally been able to free myself from the lies and constraints I'd lived under most of my life and experience the freedom and joy of living as me, a woman. I don't think I'll ever find the words to properly express how absolutely wonderful that is.
It's taken work, confidence (especially when I had to fake it), perseverence, and, in many ways, a lot of attitude to get here but I wouldn't trade it for anything. There are still many fears I have, concerns for the future but I refuse to let them control my life.
If you're still reading this please understand, I didn't write this as a "look what I've done" thing. There are too many posts from others who've had horrible, unjust things happen to them yet they forge on. My heart goes out to them and they have my utmost admiration for their courage, strength, and determination. But what I fear is those just starting or even just contemplating beginning the journey to become themselves may become too frightened or discouraged. Even though you do need to be prepared for it, the worst reaction is often only in our mind, our own fears many times worse than what does happen, and the reality is the goal is more than worth it.