My World Is Crashing Around Me

[AliciaJordan]

Well tonight I finally did it. I actually admitted to my wife that I wanted to be a woman. Whenever we talked about it before I told her I didn't know and wasn't sure. Well now I am and it didn't go to well.

I wrote her a letter as it has been hard to discuss because of the timing, kids, work, etc... I e-mailed it to her and asked her to read it when she put the kids to bed while I was at baseball. Even took the long way home for fear of what was to come.

She e-mailed back as it is after 1:30am and she is in bed sleeping, I hope. I read her e-mail and now I really hate myself and who I am.

Before we got married I told her about the dressing up but said I didn't want to become a woman, partly because I was lying to myself and I was afraid to lose my family and friends. I was 27-28 at the time. In her e-mail she brought that up and said part of her said to give the ring back and run but she felt she could change me. Then when the kids came she figured that would do it.

She also states that she is angry at me and at herself. She doesn't know why but she is. Other emotions include scared, anxiety, and sadness. She wants to know if we should split up or stay together as she does know that she can not be in a relationship with me as a woman.

Her biggest issues is the kids. She is worried that it will affect them. Make them confused, scared, sad, and embarrassed. She is also afraid of the reactions of family and friends.

I don't know what to do. Neither does she. I love her and the kids more than life itself and would do anything for them. So do I keep on hiding these feelings and pretend to be a man for them and just sit around and wait to die? Do I work with her to make something up and split, move somewhere far away and become the woman I was meant to be?

All the emotions she talked about, I feel too. I don't blame her for feeling that way. After all it is my fault. I should have been honest with myself sooner. I shouldn't have got her involved in this.

A very confused and scared AJay... :cry:

[morgan51]

You are going thru life almost exactly as I hav experienced and done it all messed up. I really wish I had been honest with my wife from the start of our relationship as well. LOike you I told her about dressing and didn,t come clean about transition. I know today that was fear of loosing her and fear of being ostracized. We are having a better time of it now as I have decided not to persue surgery or more hormones I,m trying but am not sure I can do that. Time will tell. Not what I,d recomend for anyone its very difficult.My heart goes out to you Keep your love in the forefront and keep talking. Best of luck. Morgan

[MJ]

my heart goes out to you. but sometimes this is whats best. it never gets easy and you my well break up over this.
you know whats worse when the family finds out the real reason for the break up.
I've been where you are it's never easy

[christiek]

I have stressed this in a number of other posts. Education and communication is the key. Tell her you want more than anything to try to work this out the best you can. Make sure you talk about it and that she understands not only how you feel but the way this sort of thing affects many others. Also the "I know" statement can be rather harsh on people. Maybe think about saying things such as "I dont know but I think . . ." or "I am fairly/pretty sure. . ." instead. And I dont know if you talk to others outside your family about your situation but it is better to not let her feel like you dont trust her or cant confide in her. You are married she should be the first one you go to with 98% of things. Make her feel like she is needed and even more so wanted. As far as the children are concerned . .. Children adapt to things much better than adults. The earlier in life they are introduced to something the more they consider it normal later on. There is a difference between taking it slow and trying to avoid it as long as possible.

I wish you the best of luck!

[Sandra]

Hi,

It's hard to be in a situation like this, but I would say that the two of you need to sit down and talk about all of this. Tell her that you want to try and make this work for both of you.

Yes she is bound to be angry, and possibly confused and have all sorts of things going through her mind.

You don't say how old your children are but as someone has already said they do adapt and are a lot more accepting than a lot of adults.

Don't hide your feelings as it will only make you feel worse and you wife will pick up on this, be honest with her because if you don't and you try to carry on not being who you are then it will cause a lot more heartache.


One other thing you could see if she wants to join FAB forum here. We have a few GGs in there including myself who are in a relationship/married to a TS. We all offer support and advice also it may help her a little.

[EnglishRose]

I'll never forget my wife's face when we first had a talk like this. I will say this, and echo what others have said: communication is key. Talk about this stuff, because it sure as heck isn't going away.

[AKAMichelle]

When you have kids involved transitioning becomes so much more complicated. The first place to start is to do nothing until you have many meetings with a gender therapist. Your wife will probably need to go as well. You should put your kids first and find a solution which allows you to be you without hurting your kids. That can be done a lot of different ways and I hope you will find a solution that works for all of you.

Sounds like you made the decision without thinking too much about the consequences yet. Maybe its time to begin working with a gender therapist to find out how to deal with what comes next. All of those things take time and will allow your wife and you to come up with a plan for your kids.

Kids first - you second. You will get through this. Good luck to you both.

[Empress Lainie]

It is really hard to know what is best and each case has its own merits. But if you and she could work it out to stay together until the youngest is 18, based on my own experience (that is with kids, not transition for that didn't happen until much later), it would be better for the kids if you can live with each other in peace. Then go on with your complete transition.

Another thing is you can live as a pre op woman and still satisfy her sexually, but of course there are so many more issues to start living 24/7 at your age and circumstances, work being one of the major ones.

Our kids were grown when my first wife & I divorced, but they still felt betrayed by our splitting up.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mother disappeared for 2 years with no word to anyone, it was very stressful for me as I worried about was she still alive. I didn't see my Dad again until I was nearly 18.

[sandra-leigh]

It strikes me that in her response, she appears to have really tried to communicate with you, telling you how she feels, telling you about her fears -- and yet still leaving open a hope that you will be able to "work something out" together. Look at what she did not say: "I want a divorce!" or "You sicko!" or "Don't you dare come around here, you paedophile!"

I'm not a "people person", but it appears to me (at least based upon what you said) that you and your wife have a relatively strong foundation to your relationship. She has boundaries, as is only normal, but you aren't at them yet. It seems to me that the two of you are good candidates for joint counseling to help process these emotions and figure out where you can go from here that would be acceptable to both of you.

The nameless "reasonless" anger your wife mentioned: I would speculate that that is "mourning".

[carolinoakland]

There is nothing to be gained by allowing yourself to suffer, it WILL affect how you are with your kids. And they won't know why. Let me clarify, for decades I presented what I thought was a handsome, likeable, funny, caring, decent man. I was stunned by how many people told me after I transitioned that I was a very stressed and uptight individual. that there was a tenseness and intensity about me that didn't make sense. It was the stress and surpressed anger at living my life for everyone else.

I put off my gender issue's when my daughter was born. And then I wound up being a single parent when she was 8, but I'd started to explore my gender and was considering what to do about it when my daughters mother died. I felt that I had to put off my gender identity issues again because well, she'd lost her mom and now I was going to take her father away too? So I waited. And after she moved out I started to explore, and then two years later I sat her down and explained everthing I was about to do...
My daughter is the most unique person in the universe, and I love her dearly, and she loves me as i am. her parent. Your kids will too. As long as you get to be the real you.

Bottom line, you and the wife have a lot of talking to do. It's time for therapy, don't you think?

[AliciaJordan]

Thanks everyone for the responses. All very good advice and something that we did early this morning.

My first letter to her was to get out my true feelings once and for all. With that out there, it was simple to talk, well not simple as there was a lot of crying fom both of us. We are staying together and going to work on this and take it day-to-day. I am meeting with somebody locally to discuss the different support groups within my area and hopefully from that I can get a recommendation for a good therapist.

Not sure where our futrue is headed but she did promise me that she would be there for me to support and assist me with whatever. She did tell me should I go all the way to become a woman, then our relationship would be over sexually as she couldn't do that but she would still be my best friend. Hopefully that promise she can keep as I don't want to lose my best friend.

Thanks everyone for reading my issues.

[Teri Jean]

Alicia, I am so sorry to hear this as we hear it so often and I wish it wasn't so. I am glad to hear that the two of you are still trying to work it out as a couple and as friends. Hugs to you both. Teri

[arbon]

Alicia

My heart goes out to you! Its so hard to go through all of this for you and for her. Really all you can do is just take it one day and one step at a time while trying to keep communication as open as you can.

:hugs:

[TerryTerri]

I had a very similar coming out to my wife. She also knew of my crossdressing before we were a couple, which at that time was all I was aware of. Anyway, my wife and I had been married almost 8 years when 'my letter' came to her. She was also hurt, worried about our kids, felt betrayed, etc.. However, the entire time we had been together we had always been honest and respectful with each other, and that was about to pay some really big dividends. She mulled over it for a couple of months, researched for general info so she understood things better and all those things. I think it was when my HRT program had produced 'bumps' in my chest that the true reality sunk into her. She asked me for a divorce. Her reasoning was that she just couldn't walk down the path I am now walking on. She was mad, but not personally at me. She was empathetic to the internal dilemma I was contending with and respected the choices I made. I respected her choice. I could definitely understand it. Anyway, our divorce was a sad, but not a mad angry affair. Although we are no longer husband and wife, we are still Mom and Dad. We also are still very important friends.
She had a process to go through to accept it all. But, she has moved on past it all. Her saying is: "It is what it is."
Anyway, she ended up moving back in with me about a month ago basically as a housekeeper and also to help with the kids. It's been a real win-win situation. But, it is kind of wierd. She has a boyfriend, who seems like a pretty decent guy, and she spends much time with him. They are still in the twitterpatted stage of things. Fun to watch. Took me a bit of emotional processing to accept all that. But, I dealt with it, digested it and I'm okay with it all. It is nice to see her happy and I know I am in no place to try to find a relationship. I'm definitely not a guy anymore and I'm not yet a girl either. Things are too awkward internally with me to want any relationships outside friendships.

Anyway, It is not an easy thing for your wife to deal with. It's not an easy thing for you to deal with. I strongly believe that tactfull honesty, respect, patience, flexibility and unselfish unconditional love are the guiding principles for you to proceed through a difficult situation. I doubt your wife desired to have a wife herself. I think you must unselfishly love her and give her what you can to allow her to determine what she's going to do. I also think it very important that you do not sacrifice your happiness for her. In other words, I do not think it will be right for you to attempt to bury all this because she doesn't want you to do this. Hopefully she will give you the respect to make the important decisions you have to make and accept them, if if they are not what she would prefer. The opposite applies too, you may not prefer the decisions she makes. But, it is important to accept them and let her decide for herself what she believes is most right for her, even if you disagree.

In my situation, it really only took about six months for the yucky part to pass. To this day, my ex-wife and I have never had a harsh word between us. We are raising our boys and if I ever truely had a bff, she is it, and she has told me I'm basically her bff.

Best of luck to you!!!

[ReineD]

You need to be true to yourself. If you aren't, you'll become unhappy, depressed, and maybe even angry as time goes on. This is not good for your wife and children either.

I know it's hard. I'd ask your wife to join here, as Sandra suggested. And if your wife is willing to try staying the course, please take it slowly and give her time to adapt. If you and your wife decide to do this together, your kids will adapt as well.

But, your wife may not be able to follow through with you, and you need to be prepared for this possibility. This wouldn't have to mean the end of your relationship entirely, it might instead change to be more like best friends.

ABC aired the story of Chloe Prince, a happily married TG (she didn't know she was TS) with 2 young boys, who did go through with SRS last year. The love between her and her wife survived. They are still together, neither of them wants to break up the family, but the wife is no longer interested in Chloe sexually.

Here are the videos, if you are interested:

Part 1 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfPdP9J6X2A)
Part 2 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiCshrdWj3Y)
Part 3 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aya7Ds8Vw10)
Part 4 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cHCpoVmhRY)
Part 5 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GC14P8jOWU)
Part 6 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjlXdrlSLts)

Chloe Prince's website (http://chloeprince.com/)