Coming Out - A Leap of Faith

[Melody Moore]

Hi everyone,

I recently decided to take the leap of faith in staying true to myself and started coming out over the past month to some of my family, friends & my house-mate about my struggle with gender dysphoria and my decision to transition from Male to Female. I should also mention that I first came out publicly for the first time on the internet on a website about 2 months ago when I posted photos of myself as a female on person.com to gather some type of feedback & gauge the reaction of people if I start presenting myself to the world as a female. While for the most part the reaction to my decision to transition has been excellent, many people see me & accept me as being female, however it is still a bit mixed, so I would like to get some feedback & advice on how I should deal with some of these issues.

So what I will do is post a series of posts in this thread regarding each situation I am now dealing with, I think this is the best way to
deal with this, because each situation has its own issues that I would like to discuss in more detail. So stay tuned as I compile each story.

COMING OUT TO MY FAMILY - MY MOTHER
I have told two family members of my decision to transition, my mother and my eldest 23 year old daughter. So I would like to start with
my family, so I will start with my mother because I think she has also had the greatest affect on me with my problem for so many years.

I should also start by explaining that my parents are divorced & I have always loved my mother dearly and always respected her although we are not close. If anyone was my role model, then it was her and not my father or any other male in my life because of domestic violence by my father & other sexual abuse I suffered as a child by a much older male cousin between the ages of 7 until 11.

I should also mention that I came out to my mother about the sexual abuse by my cousin about 2 years ago because I had also repressed this issue as well because of the feelings of shame & guilt that were also associated with it. But I was put down for this as well and told that it was a case of teenage sexual misadventure by my cousin and I was left to feel that I should just deal with it.

My mother reacted very angrily when I told her a bit over a week ago of my decision to transition from male to female. My mum would also know that I have also been wanting to be a female from a very young age - About the age of 5 or 6 would be my earliest memories that are still stuck in my mind about getting into trouble for getting into my mother's make-up & 'cross-dressing' in my sister's clothes.

I can also recall getting beaten for this by my Catholic raised mother & my father. This abuse hatched a lot of feelings of shame & guilt for me that caused me to stay in denial about my true gender identity for so many years and many times in the past has had me feeling suicidal. So for me I know this is definitely a gender issue with my identity and just not some type of a 'sick sexual fetish' as it has been described to me by some other stupid & ignorant people.

When I told my mother of my decision to transition she quickly started dragging up a lot of other crap from the past, and it was obvious to me that she was trying to make me feel like I was 'insane' & it was nothing related to the main issue I was trying to come out about. I personally am now starting to believe that this is some type of a smokescreen that she is trying to use to divert my attention away from the main issue I was trying to breach with her.

From the reaction I have got from my mother it now appears that my mother is in some type of denial about something from my past relating to my gender issues - was I born a true hermaphrodite and surgically altered? I am hoping soon to get some Gender Identity tests done to look into this possibility after I noticed some anomalies in what I know about my family's history and information contained on my birth certificate dated way back in 1962. I have written to the hospital were I was born requesting my birth records under the freedom of information act, but have ran into a dead end road there because they replied telling me my records would have been destroyed after 28 years.

Any ideas about how to get her to stop being so angry would be really appreciated. I sure would like some straight up answers from my
mother about these matters, it sure would make things a lot better, so any ideas about how to go about getting them would be most welcome.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

You have alot of strength and courage..

One thing I can tell you is that it will be very difficult to get people to accept and understand, but its possible, and every person will be different. You would do well to consider (as you are doing) the order you tell folks, and you should feel free to adjust the story around your disclosure to give you the best chance..a good example is when i told my dad, i showed him an article written by a sportwriter about her transition...i didnt bother with mymom...i just cried alot! LOL

kidding aside, the other thing is that by being true to what you know, and being confident in yourself and your transition (regardless of how you feel on the inside) is important to your credibility to folks around you. if they see you falter, the "i told you so's" will be deafening..

now's the time to lean on folks that support you and the more friends you have in the area the better...you will feel alot of ups and downss and when i was telling people i generally was euphoric during the telling and despondent afterwards...i just had to learn to roll with it...

i hope some of my ramblings help you even just a little!
-kaitlyn

[Melody Moore]

COMING OUT TO MY FAMILY - MY KIDS

Before I tell you about coming out to kids I should explain the history - I have fathered 3 children, with 2 different mothers - My first born child was my daughter who is now aged 23 was born to a young mother who was also naive and easily mislead by her older sister ran off to live near Adelaide, South Australia at full term pregnancy.

My other 2 children, a son almost 20 & my youngest daughter aged 16 are born to a mother who comes from a crazy mixed up 7th Day Adventist Family who have caused all sorts of problems for me and my kids. I have lots of issues with my son and youngest daughter because of resentment caused by their mother who denied me access for over 6 years by not letting me know where they were after they moved and painted me up to my kids as some type of a loner & deadbeat. My kids seem to be taking their mother's side, so I am not even going to bother going there with these 2 right now & tell them anything. But there is also a very good chance they will find out through my oldest daughter eventually who they also now know.

At this point I have only spoke with my eldest daughter from my first relationship who I only found last year on Facebook after her mother kept her away from me all her life. Since then we have been building our relationship and she has been getting to know me as her father through online messaging and phone calls. She is also bisexual and fairly open minded, so I decided to tell he about my decision to transition. Her reaction wasn't anywhere near as good as I expected she says she will never accept me as being a female.

I told my eldest daughter that I have always been this way, but only I had repressed it while I was with her mother, I also told her that I believe that in time, after she gets to see and know the real me, things will be different. I know that she is struggling to come to terms with it, but what else can I do here? I'm going to stay strong on this stay true to myself and also with her and just hope that in time she accepts it. I have asked her not to tell my other 2 kids & that I would deal with it myself if they want to have anything to do with me. But I am worried that she she will breach my trust here by telling my other 2 kids. I really hope that she never does that.

[Melody Moore]

now's the time to lean on folks that support you and the more friends you have in the area the better...you will feel alot of ups and downss and when i was telling people i generally was euphoric during the telling and despondent afterwards...i just had to learn to roll with it...
Hugs & many thanks kaitlyn for being here.

I know exactly what you are saying here and I guess you will see that I am learning to bounce back and stay really strong here. Which brings me to the next on my list, my transphobic/homophobic closet bisexual house-mate who is so much on fear of me causing his friends to question his own sexuality. LOL

COMING OUT - MY HOUSE-MATE

The first person I told first of all was my house-mate because he was the one I thought could be most affected my it because of the fact I share a house with him, but since then it has become the most difficult, and oddest situation of all because he has also admitted to me he is bisexual and I also that I have to deal with & it is affecting me the most right now - especially since he has nearly blown a fuse over it. Im talking 'steam coming out of the ears', the threats of violence & throwing me & all my stuff out on the street - the whole trip! then this trans/homophobe tries to tell me I am the one with the mental health problem? :daydreaming: yer right :battingeyelashes: LMAO!

Seriously, I just sit there and smile & laugh at him, but I haven't ever been rude & disrespectful, I have never let my house-mate see me dressed although I spend as most of the time in my room as a female because of how he has reacted so angrily towards me. So I have to move out as soon as I can find another place, because I don't see any other way of dealing with this one.

[Kittie]

Hugs & many thanks kaitlyn for being here.

I know exactly what you are saying here and I guess you will see that I am learning to bounce back and stay really strong here. Which brings me to the next on my list, my transphobic/homophobic closet bisexual house-mate who is so much on fear of me causing his friends to question his own sexuality. LOL

COMING OUT - MY HOUSE-MATE

The first person I told first of all was my house-mate because he was the one I thought could be most affected my it because of the fact I share a house with him, but since then it has become the most difficult, and oddest situation of all because he has also admitted to me he is bisexual and I also that I have to deal with & it is affecting me the most right now - especially since he has nearly blown a fuse over it. Im talking 'steam coming out of the ears', the threats of violence & throwing me & all my stuff out on the street - the whole trip! then this trans/homophobe tries to tell me I am the one with the mental health problem? :daydreaming: yer right :battingeyelashes: LMAO!

Seriously, I just sit there and smile & laugh at him, but I haven't ever been rude & disrespectful, I have never let my house-mate see me dressed although I spend as most of the time in my room as a female because of how he has reacted so angrily towards me. So I have to move out as soon as I can find another place, because I don't see any other way of dealing with this one.

Sorry to hear that about your housemate :sad:. I hope you find somewhere nice without that kind of atmosphere, reading things like that makes me wish I could astral project myself all over the world to be a friend to all the people that do go through things like that.

[Melody Moore]

Sorry to hear that about your housemate :sad:. I hope you find somewhere nice without that kind of atmosphere, reading things like that makes me wish I could astral project myself all over the world to be a friend to all the people that do go through things like that.
My house-mate has by far been the worst person I have had to deal with, because we live
with each other he is ultra-paranoid of what others will think about him because of me.

It is quite comical really because he really has been going off his nut over it, but I told him last week that I had some meetings & social get-together with my local transgender/transsexual support network and that regardless of whatever he thought I would be going to these meetings & that I would be leaving the house dressed as a female whether he likes it or not! My house-mate's only response was 'what day & what time would I be doing this?' so he didnt have to be here.

Last Sunday true to his word he disappeared about 2 hours before I was due to leave home, so I got dressed in total comfort and
went out for the whole day. I came home that night to find out that he wasnt home & stayed over at his girlfriend's place that night.

My house-mate is renting this place so the lease is in his name, so unfortunately I am the one who has to look for other accommodation which I have been doing now for the past 2 weeks. I have almost another 2 weeks before I have to move out. I am glad to be going because I really don't like living under these conditions & feeling like my transitioning is affecting him so badly when is all he would have to do is come to terms with it & simply accept it, but for some that is easier said than done.

What my house-mate doesn't know yet is that just because I have agreed to moving out that this will NOT be the end of it - I fully plan now on making this homophobic/transphobic ignoramus and his Bogan friends readjust their redneck type attitudes about discriminating against transgender/transsexual people.

This fool doesn't realise how serious of a matter this is, because what he has done is 'sub-letted' me a room after I found this place in a newspaper classified over 3 months ago. There was no issues with me living here before I told him of my decision to transition & before this we got along really well. But under the sexual discrimination laws in our state he cannot evict anyone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity & I have already tried to give him lots of fair warning about this. Not only that my house-mate has also said he fully intends on getting Japanese female students to live here after I go so he cannot male any claims that the accommodation is only suitable for males - Just another nail in his coffin

I made enquiries nearly 2 weeks ago after my house-mate first started acting violently towards me over the matter and they sent me out some brochures in the mail which I highlighted the relevant information and left them for him to read on the table. My house-mate read one the brochures and then blew his top yet again, tearing the brochures up & throwing them everywhere & reckons that government departments don't scare him one single bit, but obviously they do bother him or he wouldn't have ever reacted that way - if he knew he was within his rights to evict me, then would have told me calmly to go right ahead with my complaint. :D

What he also doesn't realise is that I have in my possession an audio recording on my mobile phone of him "yelling at me very aggressively & telling me that I have to move out because he doesn't want me living here & dressing up as a female" to be used as evidence in support of an official complaint to the Anti-Discrimination Commission of Queensland.

If he was more respectful about the whole matter and asked me to move out for any other reason and without threats of violence I would have obliged him without question. However because he has been so abusive & discriminatory against me on the basis of my gender identity I plan on following through with a complaint now and place a claim of libel & seek damages (compensation) from on him over this - so I think we can safely chalk this one up already as a clear cut victory for Transgender/Transsexual Sexual Discrimination rights. ;)

I think this clearly proves that the pen is much mightier than the sword in dealing with transphobic sexual
discriminatory abuse. Its amazing what you can really achieve at the end of the day with a little bit of research.

ANTI-DISCRIMINATION ACT 1991 - SECT 7 - See Paragraph (m) (http://www.austlii.edu.au/au/legis/qld/consol_act/aa1991204/s7.html)
7 Discrimination on the basis of certain attributes prohibited

The Act prohibits discrimination on the basis of the following attributes--

(m) gender identity;

ANTI-DISCRIMINATION ACT 1991 - SECT 83 - See Paragraph (c) (http://www.austlii.edu.au/au/legis/qld/consol_act/aa1991204/s83.html)
83 Discrimination in accommodation area

A person must not discriminate against another person--

(c) in evicting the other person from the accommodation;

[Gaby2]

Hi Melody, only just skimmed over your story, or rather stories! I'll need more time to take this in.
My childhood was sheltered although often unneccessarily traumatic. Ignorance, poverty, alcohol and religion were a potent mix. And yet my (non-drinking) parents raised six of us and provided a home with warmth, despite themselves going through some dreadfully horrible times.

While reading your lines I felt ill but "the smile on your face" brought me back to earth - possible anger and/or probable sympathy on my behalf won't help as much as a returning smile.
One point strikes me - maybe your mother needs this, your coming out, and she is after all at the top of the list. It's her decision to accept or not and, if the latter, then try not to let the heartbreak get at you. But wonders do happen...
For now... you have my support, for what it's worth. Indeed, you have my adulation :koc: gaby

[Melody Moore]

After the last post I didn't want you to all think that things are going bad for me with my coming out because nothing could be further from the truth. Overall things have been really good and people like my house-mate really don't intimidate me one single bit. I really believe the key with a successful transition is to be strong & really be prepared to stand up for yourself.

COMING OUT - MY BEST FRIENDS

Over the past few weeks I have been coming out to all my friends & also to an ex-girlfriend I ended a short-term 8 month relationship with about 3 months ago. So now I would like to tell you more about how this has been going since then.

About a month ago I first came out to one of my best friends who is also a musician because I seen once that he had an interest in transgender/transsexuals when he was watching a program on SBS one night. I didnt say anything at the time, but after careful consideration I thought he might be one of the first friends I should try and come out to because he seemed a bit more broad minded in his interests.

Just prior to coming out there has also been some jokes by another good friend about my best friend having a gay relationship with his music partner. At the time his music partner laughed it all off, whereas my best mate got quite defensive about it. So I really think he does have some bi-curiosity hidden away there.

When I told my best, I first come out and said... "There is something I should tell you, I have a condition that has affected me my whole life and I am not sure how you will react to it, but please understand that this shouldn't change our friendship or the way that we judge & respect each other." and then I stopped to give my friend a chance to acknowledge what I just said. To which he replied, 'Fair enough, go on".

I then told him that I suffered from a condition known as "Gender Dysphoria" and then explained to him that I have struggled to accept my true gender identity because I had the body of a male. I then told him about my cross-dressing from a very early age & explained to to him that it was an issue to do with my real gender identity and what I was going to do to fix the problem was not a 'sexual fetish' because I liked guys or anything.

About this point I pulled out my mobile phone and showed him some photos of me dressed as a woman and told him that this is the person I really am. His jaw literally dropped to the floor when he started looking through my photos & realised how sexy as a female I really was.

I told him that I wasn't a gay male but I felt like a lesbian because of who I truly was as a person inside & that my sexual preferences were still for women at this point. I told him that I was transsexual and that I would be transitioning in gender and changing my life from living as a male to living as female and that I would be unsure about my sexual orientations in the future after I started transitioning.

He said he really had no issue with it and that each to their own, but he also said he didn't mind having a bit of a laugh at another person's expense. At that point I pulled him up on his show of contempt by asking him the question... "What is the bravest thing youve ever done?" and this stopped him dead in his tracks... he said, "Nothing like this, and I do see your point".

A few days later I showed up at his place dressed as a female after going to look at some other share accommodation. His girlfriend was there & she had no idea about my transitioning, but she was the first to compliment me on how good I looked, then my best mate also agreed to that but went to call me by my male name. He quickly stopped & corrected himself by addressing me as my female name. a bit soon after his other music partner I mentioned earlier showed up who I also know, he had no idea but he was pretty cool & relaxed about the whole thing and even congratulated me for having the courage & the strength to come out like that.

Ever since then my best friend has adjusted reasonably well but he reckons I should go and sit on the island of Lombok in Indonesia and think about nothing for 3 months, then decide what I want to do, but I told him that if I go anywhere like exotic like that, then I will go to Thailand instead and start my cosmetic surgery even sooner. That soon shut him up. :eg:

I will share some more stories about coming out to my friends soon.

[Melody Moore]

While reading your lines I felt ill but "the smile on your face" brought me back to earth - possible anger and/or probable sympathy on my behalf won't help as much as a returning smile.
Thank you so much Gaby,

For many years now I have always drawn the consolation prize from ever bad situation then I draw a victory every single time even though it appears I might have lost. So I give thanks now to the shit I have been put through because the way I look at it, it made me a much better person and so much stronger, so I have a very good reason to be smiling now. I just hope others may also benefit through reading my story and seeing my transition to becoming the happy person I should be.

Hugs & Kiss :hugs: Mel Xx

[Gaby2]

Wow Mel, it is very easy to smile back at you. And smiling with you is even more fun. ;)

Thanks a lot for the clarification - very considerate of you. I needed a timeout to make sure I wasn't getting involved - your story set off too many not relevant associations. Reading afresh has been easier. Your determination and willpower is tremendous and I'm sure you feel that everybody here is behind you as you take control of your life. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

I've told three people since last week of my (relatively speaking) simpler desire to crossdress openly. In one week! Compare that with the previous thirty years. I feel real good. G(aby)-Major: that's my key!!!

All smiles,
gaby

[iloveps]

Hey Mel,

Your story mad me very sad, I cant imagine what you must be going through. I hope your friend start to open up even more so you have somebody to talk to. I also think your daughter will come around, she may just need time since it seems she just got around the idea of having a relationship with her father. Give her time, she may end up being the most important person in your life!

I hope all the best for you. If you EVER need someone to talk send me an email, im sure we could hook up on an IM service within a few hours, dont worry about me being on the other side of the world here in Texas, i would stay up late for you! :love:

bye!

[Melody Moore]

Hi Kyl(i)e :heehee:

Please don't get me wrong, I have lots of support now I have finally come out, it was only when I was in the closet that I was all alone & I was my own worst enemy there & that made everything so much more harder to deal with. I also wished I had of got involved in the transgender/transsexual network many years ago like you are doing now, but I was also very busy, but that was just the way that I dealt with my gender dysphoria.

I always believed that by immersing myself really deeply into other things such as work & my relationships with others & to a point I was even taking onboard other people's problems, but this was one way that I found where I didnt have to try and think about my own issues but always rejoiced in the fact I was doing something to help someone else. But having said that I also found by listening, learning & understanding others with a very pragmatic approach or by thinking outside the box as an unbiased 3rd party I have also learnt the importance of being objectionable & being the devil's advocate, especially with myself.

So through this I was able to help others who were also struggling as well as helped me in the long term to apply these same principles in understanding who I really was I also quickly learnt that there really is a lot of people out there much worse off than what I am. I have come as far as I can with my personal growth & development, now I need some help from others in getting ready for the next leg of my life long journey. I really appreciate you and everyone really being here for me, and I will always be here for you & other's like me. I believe in reciprocating support because there are far too many people out there that take all that they can get, & there are so few of us that really have the ability to give.

So thank you for being there for me as well.

Hugs Mel Xx :hugs: :gh: