growing suspicion

[iloveps]

didnt know if i should put this under the transexual or cd board. so it might need to be moved.

so i have been cross dressing for most of my life, probably 15 out of my 21 years, recently decided to pick up the intensity from things i can hide while wearing like bras and panties to pants and dresses, i dont go out though.

Last weekend i told my mom about my crossdressing. When i sat down and talked to her i had this huge preface about how i am attracted to women and why i like to crossdress. It involved me explaining the usual explanations, about material look etc. but i also had a major chunk of my reasoning being that i was attracted to the way women communicate with each other and the way they create their friendships and how i wanted to be able to do that. My mom was completely accepting because she is freakin awesome, i really love my mom.

It didnt hit me until tonight that i have never heard of other crossdressers using women's communication and relationship abilities as a reason for their cding, it seems like something more associated with transexuals. I have always been interested in transexualism since i was young, i saw a lot of documentaries about it on the discovery channel when i was younger (the discovery channel is a life long addiction for me) and i was always drawn to the, for lack of a better word, "phenomenon." (i hate that sentence automatically after writing it sorry). I remember in 6th grade i had a dream where i was running through a field being chased and i fell down and got up having grown breasts, i tried desperately to hide them in the classic "blanket not big enough" kind a of dream way. I could not get this dream out of my head for days.

I had dreams similar to this throughout my teenage years and i did ponder from time to time what it would be like to be a woman and at times i found it to be very appealing, even just thinking about day to day things like walking down the street as a woman or going to class or watching tv or reading, but at other times i found it to be unappealing and i think these feelings were similar to guilt or embarrassment. I am not sure if the feelings of displeasure with the idea of being transexual are out of fear that i might lose things i have in my male life or if i am truly not ts. I have always felt from a young age that i was a little different but not to this extent.

Im not super feminine, i do have feminine tendencies. I am fairly emotional and always have been, i keep them under control now but i feel it has somewhat been to fit in as a man. My interest in sex is an emotional one not in the conquering drive that a lot of my male friends have, not that women dont have strong physical desires or men dont have strong emotional ones. Although i will say that at 21 i am a virgin, and not because i am against pre-marital sex but rather because i am shy lack confidence and can never get women interested in me. Maybe my feelings about sex are just my inexperience. but while i have some feminine traits and tendencies i am very male to. I like some sports (swimming, mountain biking) but i hate more masculine atmosphere sports like football or baseball. I dont come off as too feminine either, my speech is rather normal i dont speak softly at all although i am shy.

The thing i said earlier about communication and friendship is what really sparked my more recent concerns. Most of my friends are men but i think that is due to my shyness and the fact i am a physics student (not exactly my ideal field but still have an interest) and dont spend a lot of time with women. But i have always made great friends with women, my best friend is a girl and we tell each other almost everything, i always feel it easy to be honest with women. idk why.

I have also noticed differences between me and other cds on here. I dont feel my cding self as another person but just as me, also i dont have a desire to appear extremely feminine, sexy, or "girly" when i dress like many do (not that there is anything wrong with that), i really just want to look like a normal woman of my age. I dont feel the need to take on another persona but rather be me. I dont know if this is just absolute personal acceptance of my cding or a sign of possibly being a transexual.

RAMBLE MUCH? SORRY :doh:

i just realized i am rambling terribly, bottom line is i am very unsure as to whether i am either a tomboyish transexual or a feminine man cd. I am absolutly fine with either one i just dont know which is more appropriate for me. I know none of you can answer this for me but i really just want your thoughts on what constitutes a transexual (i know we arnt suppose to draw lines but sometimes they are necessary).

thanks a bunch

[Melody Moore]

didnt know if i should put this under the transexual or cd board. so it might need to be moved.
Personally I think you did the right thing in posting it here because from what I read there it sounds like you might be transgender or a 'tomboyish transsexual' as you put it, as opposed to being just a cross-dresser or 'transvestite' going by the fact you also started cross-dressing at such a young age.

What I have noticed a pattern in transgirls who start cross-dressing so young where it seems more about a gender identity crisis or need to express oneself as a female and not just some sexual type fetish with dressing in women's clothes. I also say this because Im transgender myself and I know that I started also around the same age, but struggled with it up until fairly recently and Im now 47 years old and believe me it doesnt get any easier it becomes even harder to cope with - this condition is called 'Gender Dysphoria' and its very obvious to me that you are suffering a lot from it.


Last weekend i told my mom about my crossdressing. When i sat down and talked to her i had this huge preface about how i am attracted to women and why i like to crossdress. It involved me explaining the usual explanations, about material look etc. but i also had a major chunk of my reasoning being that i was attracted to the way women communicate with each other and the way they create their friendships and how i wanted to be able to do that. My mom was completely accepting because she is freakin awesome, i really love my mom.
You are very lucky to start with, I really wish my mother was as understanding and supportive as your mum is, so for that you surely must be very grateful and that will be a really great help to you.


It didnt hit me until tonight that i have never heard of other cross-dressers using women's communication and relationship abilities as a reason for their cding, it seems like something more associated with transsexuals.

It's really sounding to me like you have a real need to express yourself as a female because your communication & relationship abilities sound more female as opposed to male. You would probably value emotional satisfaction over sexual satisfaction & also probably more turned on to a partner by intelligent conversation rather than pornography. If so then I am also exactly the same in this respect and I believe now this relates more to your gender identity being a female and not male from what I am understanding here and that belief is further backed up by what you just mentioned about your dream about suddenly finding yourself with breasts & as a female.


Im not super feminine, i do have feminine tendencies. I am fairly emotional and always have been, i keep them under control now but i feel it has somewhat been to fit in as a man. My interest in sex is an emotional one not in the conquering drive that a lot of my male friends have, not that women dont have strong physical desires or men dont have strong emotional ones. Although i will say that at 21 i am a virgin, and not because i am against pre-marital sex but rather because i am shy lack confidence and can never get women interested in me. Maybe my feelings about sex are just my inexperience. but while i have some feminine traits and tendencies i am very male to. I like some sports (swimming, mountain biking) but i hate more masculine atmosphere sports like football or baseball. I dont come off as too feminine either, my speech is rather normal i dont speak softly at all although i am shy.
I really dont think that because you are not super feminine, it doesnt mean that you are not transgender. I believe that 'tomboyishness' usually exists in quite a few Tgirls. And like you Im not into the more masculine sports either. If I ever watch a game of football its more out of the need to be sociable - I also rather the other activities you mentioned because they are sports that cater better to our feminine side which far less competitive or egotistical than the sports that appeal to other males. I especially love the outdoors, camping, boating, fishing, diving, & bushwalking because it allows me to get out and get in touch with nature. I love to see beauty in things and capture it also on camera. So activities like this appeal even more to me.

ABOUT GENDER IDENTITY & SEXUAL ORIENTATION

It took me a very long time to understand & accept that Gender Identity & Sexual Orientation is fluid, there is no binary between the physical sex of a person, to their real gender identity, and the sexual orientation of that person. We know this to be true by the fact that there are many gender & sexually diverse people there are out there in the real world who are hiding themselves away especially men!

Here is something I found out though my own research from guys who contacted me as a female on person.com. After telling them I was transgender I found that about 80% of so called 'straight' males who contacted me are really bisexual or bi-curious and will have sex with a ladyboy!:eek:

Women have no issue with admitting their bisexuality because it's a turn on to a lot of guys, and seems more acceptable by society, men on the other hand are cowards and worry too much about what their friends will think, so their ego's get in the way and stop them from coming out. :heehee:


but at other times i found it to be unappealing and i think these feelings were similar to guilt or embarrassment. I am not sure if the feelings of displeasure with the idea of being transexual are out of fear that i might lose things i have in my male life or if i am truly not ts. I have always felt from a young age that i was a little different but not to this extent

The ignorance or intolerance that people like us have to deal with that causes us to feel guilty, shameful or embarrassed I believe originally comes from mainstream religions such as the Catholic Church who never really made any allowances for this aspect of human biology and those that are most affected by 'Gender Dysphoria.

My own mother was a Catholic & seems to have no tolerance or understanding at all about it, in fact she is going through huge amounts of denial so as I said earlier, you are lucky to have your Mum right there supporting you. I do envy you in this respect. :)

I also see you are really struggling now to hold yourself back which is very typical of someone struggling with 'gender dysphoria' but you are only held back by what others will think about you. I can also see you are especially worried about losing your friends. But always remember this... If they cant accept you for who you really are they are not your true friend - so live your life for you an for noone else - you have to always follow your dreams and your heart.

My life has been a mess up until about 2 years ago because I tried for far too long to repress it, and I really dont recommend anyone going down that same road. it has affected others like us to the extent they've finished up on drugs or some other type of substance abuse & sadly some have even contemplated & committed suicide. I dont believe any of this will happen to you, because you really are now in the right place.

Finally just remember that if you do come out of the closet, you will show so much more courage than any man you have ever known to stand up for yourself in the face of so much adversary & rejection by a rogue element in society. But don't worry because there is loads of support out there for gender diverse people like us, so find your local TG network and get out and make some new friends. By you coming out you will also teach others around you so much more about TG acceptance & this also helps our overall cause with breaking down stigma associated with society's acceptance of gender diverse people.

I wish you goodluck in whatever you decide to do. and Im will be here fairly regularly now if you should ever feel the need to talk to someone, but I am sure you will find many others like us on this website.

[iloveps]

thank you so much for your reply Melody :hugs:

to begin with i dont really know how to have multiple quotes in a post so i am jsut going to use quotation marks.

"What I have noticed a pattern in transgirls who start cross-dressing so young where it seems more about a gender identity crisis or need to express oneself as a female and not just some sexual type fetish with dressing in women's clothes.......it doesnt get any easier it becomes even harder to cope with."

This is why i want to deal with it now at my young age, i thought maybe it was just a passing thing and i was just a cder, and i was okay with this way but i feel i might be lying to myself a little bit.

As i kid when i was 9 or 10ish i was very depressed, anything could set me off on a crying spree. At the time my parents, teachers, and I felt it had to do with being a perfectionist and being picked on etc. That is about the time my interest in cross dressing started. But that is not the first time i had an encounter with feminine things. When is was about 5 i think i was sitting on the couch with my mom and some of her friends were over and i felt her breasts and asked 'what are these?' she responded that they were breasts then i asked if i would get them and of course they just laughed it off because i was 5 but i remember feeling jealous about it when they said i wouldnt.

then i had the dream at 12 from my earlier post, then my next major thought scare was two years ago. I felt something different in one of my testecles one day while in the shower and decided to get it checked out by a doctor. I thought to myself "if this i cancer they may have to take off one or both." and suddenly...... i wanted that to happen........ it gave me a little thrill. Then of course my next thought was "omg why am i thinking this." It turned out it was a harmless condition where certain veins in the left are larger than the rest of your body. but the thought i had sticks with me.

"It's really sounding to me like you have a real need to express yourself as a female because your communication & relationship abilities sound more female as opposed to male. You would probably value emotional satisfaction over sexual satisfaction & also probably more turned on to a partner by intelligent conversation rather than pornography."

The thing about pornography is spot on. While i have no problem with porn or people who watch it and i know a lot of women who watch it, i have always felt it undesirable and i know i have been most attracted to people when speaking emotionally with them, and most of my fantasies involve being close emotionally with a woman rather than a much "rougher" encounter.

"I really dont think that because you are not super feminine, it doesnt mean that you are not transgender. I believe that 'tomboyishness' usually exists in quite a few Tgirls."

this is my biggest personal evidence against being ts, i feel fairly masculine in my pursuits. Music, science, literature.

i probably have more to say in response but i have to go. thanks again for the response! Sorry if mine was a bit verbose. :o

[Faith_G]

this is my biggest personal evidence against being ts, i feel fairly masculine in my pursuits. Music, science, literature.I was hung up on that one for a long time too. How could I be a woman if I was fascinated by everything with an engine and was more comfortable under the hood of a truck than I was in the kitchen? You have to let go of the values that society assigns to interests and activities. For every "gendered" interest you can find someone of the "wrong" gender who's into it. There are men who crochet. I'm a woman who likes making her truck go faster. :D

No one else can say who you really are, that's something you will have to figure out for yourself.

My suggestion is to pursue the crossdressing further, start going out as a woman. If you need to transition it will soon become obvious to you. It sure did to me.

[Melody Moore]

I was hung up on that one for a long time too. How could I be a woman if I was fascinated by everything with an engine and was more comfortable under the hood of a truck than I was in the kitchen? You have to let go of the values that society assigns to interests and activities. For every "gendered" interest you can find someone of the "wrong" gender who's into it. There are men who crochet. I'm a woman who likes making her truck go faster. :D

No one else can say who you really are, that's something you will have to figure out for yourself.

My suggestion is to pursue the crossdressing further, start going out as a woman. If you need to transition it will soon become obvious to you. It sure did to me.
Faith is spot-on here, you cannot determine your true gender by your interest & activities. And as Faith just said... You have to let go of the values that society assigns to interests and activities. All those activities & interests you mention I still consider to be uni-sex anyway and are far from the 'super masculine' arena of football etc., but even women are finding their way into these sports now that society is tearing down the walls that cause so much gender based division in society.

If you do decide to transition and start HRT I also think that might end up clearing up a fair amount of this confusion for you as well, but before you do that you have to take your cross-dressing to the next level and start living fulltime as a female. I know now that this is the only way I get any peace from my Gender Dysphoria.

I know now I feel perfectly natural and comfortable with it, despite the fact I still live a double life because of my transphobic house-mate. So I know that I am ready for the next step which is starting HRT. Im looking right now for somewhere else to live so I can live as a female now fulltime.

So make sure you are somewhere where you can live as a female & transition in comfort and without any problems from those you are living with. I think from there the rest will fall into place for you as its also doing for me..... if you dont try... then nothing ventured, is nothing gained.

So Good luck... I hope you work it all out soon. :hugs:

[iloveps]

bit of an update

i just told my mom about everything else dealing with my history and confusion, and she is happily accepting and asked if i want to see somebody about it. Which i of course said "yes." Tomorrow we are having a bit of a family get together with my brother and sister in-law. We decided to tell them as well so as to just get it more out there, the idea that every person i tell will make me stronger. My mother and I are going to tell my father later this week that i will be seeing somebody, we kinda have to since i am on his insurance :straightface:. I dont know how he will take it, it could range from complete denial and unacceptance to a "i dont understand but well deal with it." So wish me luck.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I've come to the conclusion that I'm transsexual and have been in transition for the last 2 years essentially. Been or hormones for 15 months now. And when I read your post many things resonated with me, such as not dating till my early 20's (actually the girls dated me) I was very shy and not interested in the conquering type relationship that many guys exhibit. I to was interested in the communication angle, I liked to talk and socialize with the girls more than the guys. I was never interested in the typical manly type contact sports either. I did like the other sports such as tennis or volleyball but never liked football like sports. I also crossdressed most of my life since my early teens, usually underdressing even thru out my marriage. I'm 54 years old and my only regret is not realizing who I was when I was younger.

As Faith has mentioned only you can decide whether you're Transsexual or not. But know that along the Transgender Spectrum there are many stops and destinations. Enjoy the journey, but above all don't be afraid to take that step forward if it is right for you. Don't let your fears make your decision for you, don't allow others to tell you what is right for you. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[Melody Moore]

bit of an update

i just told my mom about everything else dealing with my history and confusion, and she is happily accepting and asked if i want to see somebody about it. Which i of course said "yes." Tomorrow we are having a bit of a family get together with my brother and sister in-law. We decided to tell them as well so as to just get it more out there, the idea that every person i tell will make me stronger. My mother and I are going to tell my father later this week that i will be seeing somebody, we kinda have to since i am on his insurance :straightface:. I dont know how he will take it, it could range from complete denial and unacceptance to a "i dont understand but well deal with it." So wish me luck.

Well done hun, you have to start somewhere if you are to work this out properly an make the right decision for you. You are also very lucky your mum is so understanding and supportive. I think the question with your father is still uncertain, but still its really nothing to fear because you have to live your life for you and NOT for him, so don't let this fear influence your decisions. Staying true to yourself and being strong makes even the hardest me stop & think about their own attitudes when you really stand up for yourself.

What is the worst that could happen with your father? Maybe hit you, disown you, whatever... I certainly hope none of this happens to you, but if he did react in such a way, then he doesnt really love you like he should. Because if he really did he should be understanding and supportive just as your mother is. I think if he reacted badly, that could also affect his relationship with your mother, but still that is not your fault because at the end of the day it is him that has the issue.

If he gives you a hard time just say to him.. "Hey Dad, what's the bravest thing you have ever done in your life?" This question I have found makes the toughest of guys stop dead in their tracks when they really think about your question.... usually the response will be "Nothing like this that is for sure"..... Enough said! :heehee:

I really hope by what I just said that I haven't put you off, I just hope that I have given you some strength to deal with the worst possible scenarios. I look forward to hearing from you about how this all pans out.


I've come to the conclusion that I'm transsexual and have been in transition for the last 2 years essentially. Been or hormones for 15 months now. And when I read your post many things resonated with me, such as not dating till my early 20's (actually the girls dated me) I was very shy and not interested in the conquering type relationship that many guys exhibit. I to was interested in the communication angle, I liked to talk and socialize with the girls more than the guys. I was never interested in the typical manly type contact sports either. I did like the other sports such as tennis or volleyball but never liked football like sports. I also crossdressed most of my life since my early teens, usually underdressing even thru out my marriage. I'm 54 years old and my only regret is not realizing who I was when I was younger.
WOW... another story much like my own, Im 47 years old and like Kimberly here, I only wish I had realised who I really was much sooner in life.

[gennee]

I'm heading in the direction of declaring myself a transsexual. The intensity and the feelings of being more feminine is has steadily increased.

Gennee

:)

[iloveps]

He wouldnt hit me, he isnt that type. But it wont affect my parents relationship much since they are already seperated. But i could see it going far enough that he doesnt talk to me, but that is one of the smaller possibilities.

My mom and i have decided to wait on telling the rest of my family for a few weeks since there are some other conflicts that are going on that need to be delt with first before we throw this on their plates. This doesnt mean we are putting off me seeing anyone, that will definitely start pretty soon.

I still definitely feel skeptical of whether i am ts, maybe this is just fear. Although I didnt think that when i told my mom it would be as emotional as it ended up being, but i broke down and cried for a long time. It wasnt until then that i truly felt that i had a lot of questions, before it was like 70% to 30% that i might be ts and after telling my mom i feel closer to 50 50 about it. I think the more i talk about it the more i will start to feel it.

l definitely keep you up to date!:bighug2:

[Melody Moore]

Hi again iloveps, what is your name by the way?

It is good that you are working through things, the swaying uncertainty is perfectly natural and its good that you are now feeling 50/50 and are now ready to start asking questions. But I think you can see there is a clear pattern here that you have with older transsexuals that has to be fully investigated & worked through, the sooner you start doing that the better, if not I believe that it will just end up wrecking your life like it did to me for so many years before I come to terms with it.

Already I feel so much happier after just coming out and making the decision to transition and its nearly impossible to wipe the smile from my face. I feel a calmness coming in to my life with myself because I finally have confronted this main underlying issue that has been so much the source of so many other problems. My biggest issue I had to try and deal with was 'Where do I fit into society if I am transsexual & how could I ever possibly transition?' One of my biggest hurdles was 'Where do I go to start the process & how could I afford the surgery & cost involved with transitioning? as well as repairing damage I done to myself in trying to fit in as a male.

As for financing everything, I have left that completely up to fate and now I can see a much pathway starting to reveal itself. Right now I'm not working because I'm in the process of changing my identity and the way I live my life from male to female. Once I am confident enough & change my identity & gender on my paperwork. I then plan on applying for a new job in the IT industry as a transsexual female. This way staff & customers I would be involved with don't have to try and deal with so much because there is nothing of my former male identity to compare me with.

So bear in mind that some people in your life might be better off find out later rather than beforehand.

Anyway, now that I have accepted that my gender identity is really female, Im starting to embrace it and sit back &
enjoy the ride. I know I have to feel totally at ease with my decision because a lot is going to change now with HRT.

I am starting to feminise myself as much as possible and this includes waxing to remove facial & body hair, growing nails & sorting out my hair loss problem with hair transfusion, as well as tattoo removal. So I have a LOT in front of me to deal with, but my determination is strong there is no way I am going to give up now because it is what I know I must personally must do. in order to be truly happy, but it took me many years to work this out & finally accept it.

From what I understand that being on HRT is like going through puberty all over again, but this time as a female & it is sheer hell at times because you will even be more emotional than you already are & get upset over the slightest little things - but not that you probably dont already get very emotional given the fact you are already sounding more like a 'female' from the things you have said right here. HRT gives true transsexuals peace with their gender dysphoria. Often in cases like yours where you are not sure, they can start you on testosterone blockers to see how you feel and upgrade that to oestrogen if you feel that you want to go to the next level.

I know a 19 year old transsexual that lives locally and also went on HRT for 3 months then stopped to see how she would feel. This TS girl told me that her gender dysphoria is returning and now doesnt want to deal with what she has been experiencing with feeling 'emotionless' as her male hormones start to return, so she has made the decision now to go back on HRT. But before you even get to this level you are going to need some counselling and work through these psychological issues that are now plaguing you.

But the one really good thing in your latest post is that you are dealing with as many other issue as you can beforehand I believe will make transitioning so much more easier than having to deal with everything at once. I have had lots of counselling years ago (1995-98) to deal with all my other issues, but still it has taken me this long to get to where I am at now. So hold your head up because you are doing very well. I only wished I had your courage when I was your age.

So well done :notworthy: you really should feel like you are on cloud 9 :c9:

[Ms Jennifer]

Wow, So many awesome replys.that is why I like it here.A place to be open about our feelings.It helps me to be able to start coming OUT.One thing I have noticed is that we are someways the same but also all different.So,be who YOU are and don"t worry so much about a Label.Do what feels right to you.Most of the more mature ladies (myself included)waited too long to come out since we were raised in an age where people were not so accepting.Now for myself.I have to wait till I retire in the very near future to come out of the closets.It is nice that you have accepting family members to at least talk to.So be comfortable with who you are and good luck.:hugs:

[iloveps]

Thanks again for the replies everyone! :)

I dont currently have a female name, i have thought about it but am not ready to choose one. but my male name is Kyle, which i am fine with right now.

We are going to try to find a therapist within the next week, i dont know when i will see them. We are going to find one where i go to school, i am near Ft. Worth right now and go to school about 2 hours away. So it may be three weeks before i actually see somebody, but i will definitely tell you when i find them.

I know what you mean about paying for it. I had to get that way with school too, (i live in the USA and am middle class white, so i have to pay for everything...... or rather the bank is paying for everything :sad: ). While i know transitioning would be much more expensive than the debt i will have from school i am fine with that, ill figure it out when i get there.

I actually somewhat met another ts person yesterday. My mom is a high school teacher and she was telling me about a student she has who is a senior and has decided to start transitioning once they graduate. We went to the movies and he was the person working the register, my mom told me that is who it was after we talked to him for a bit. Even though he didnt know that i knew or who i was it made me feel good to see somebody else. She asked him "are you happy?" obviously meaning between the two of them, he smiled and said "yes i am" :D . (i used "he" because they are still appearing that way and using a male name so i thought that was more appropriate.)


"& sorting out my hair loss problem with hair transfusion"

ugh, that is the one thing appearence wise i fear. At 21 i caught the bad half of the genes and am alread refered to as "the bald man" :sad: . Which isnt fair since my older brother met his now wife at 18 and hasnt lost a hair on his head. :brokenheart: Everything else would be fine, i am a bit tall 6ft. but am super skinny with somewhat narrow shoulders and always have been skinny, in fact it seems impossible for me to gain weight it seems. :D

well thanks again for your interest and care!. updates to follow

[AnonyMouse]

Hey, Kyle.

Your post reminds me so much of where I was a few months ago (though with the genders reversed). I admit that it was my first instinct to look to my history for proof that I was transgendered all along, but it kind of backfired because I have a history of doing silly feminine things.

However, I also had a history of wanting the things that the opposite sex had, very similar to what you describe. I hated having breasts, socialized better with boys than girls, always looked up to my close male relatives, and was continually frustrated that I could never be seen as "one of the guys." So I definitely have an idea of where you're coming from.

I can't give you medical advice, but I can say that from what you've described, you probably are transgendered. Very few transvestites have the ongoing desire to actually be a member of their target sex - much less from a very young age. However, you don't have to jump headlong into the deep end of the pool. Talking to your mom and seeing a therapist are great starts. I would also advise you to do some experimenting. Find a safe place where you can present and interact with other people as a girl, and see how that makes you feel compared to how you feel presenting and interacting as a boy (which it sounds like you don't enjoy very much). Even an online space can help with this sort of thing.

You said you worry about being a tomboy. I worry about being a sissy, and in the first stages of my trans-ness that gave me no end of confusion. I was worried that I would decide prematurely that I was transgendered, and then later I would have to recant, which would be utterly embarrassing. Finally I remembered some advice I heard from a father (not mine): "You can change your mind a hundred times if you want." That's an important thing to remember. When the time comes that you want to decide, don't worry about whether you're making the wrong choice or not, because you can always re-think it.

I would also recommend starting a diary. You can do it online, on your computer, in a notebook, wherever. You don't have to "Dear Diary" it or anything (unless you want to - that always made me gag); just start writing whatever you feel in relation to your gender. If it makes you happy to be called by a female name, write that down. If you feel like chickening out of the whole thing and acting supermasculine to try and compensate (not saying you will - just throwing darts), write that down.

I can also recommend a couple of Web sites for you. All Mixed Up (http://www.genderpsychology.org/) incredibly helpful to me in the beginning, especially the Questions (http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/question.html) page (though it sounds like you've gone through that stage already), and is applicable to both FTM's and MTF's. Then there's Gianna E. Israel's Gender Library (http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/), which covers general trans-related topics that you might want to read up on, just to get an idea of what you could face as a transgendered person.

Anyway, take it slow, and to use a saying that my fundy mom totally HATES: do what feels right. There is no better litmus test.

Good luck! :hugs:

FYI, I way prefer intelligence over porn. Nothing makes a guy hotter than a good head on his shoulders.

[iloveps]

Thanks AnonyMouse, you hit a lot of things i am feeling right on the head!


"Find a safe place where you can present and interact with other people as a girl, and see how that makes you feel compared to how you feel presenting and interacting as a boy (which it sounds like you don't enjoy very much). Even an online space can help with this sort of thing."

I have some practical issues with that right now, i am about live with three guys in two bedrooms. So i share a room with another guy, hiding things becomes hard. I also cant afford a wig and cant use my hair seeing as i am extremely "folliclelly challenged" (my prefered term for balding). :heehee: But i definitely want to!!!!

"You said you worry about being a tomboy. I worry about being a sissy, and in the first stages of my trans-ness that gave me no end of confusion. I was worried that I would decide prematurely that I was transgendered, and then later I would have to recant, which would be utterly embarrassing. Finally I remembered some advice I heard from a father (not mine): "You can change your mind a hundred times if you want." That's an important thing to remember. When the time comes that you want to decide, don't worry about whether you're making the wrong choice or not, because you can always re-think it."

this has been my number one fear! I am terrified i will go through therapy for a while then start hormones and completely ruin myself if i decide to stay a man.

i am definitely going to check out the sites you gave. And i have already thought about a diary, i think i will start it next month when i start therapy.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!:hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

I'm not sure I can add to these responses you have received , they are pretty spot on. I will say in finding a therapist , find a gender therapist . I first went to a "regular " therapist who simply tried to change my thinking via humiliation tactics , needless to say that was the end of him. Also if you were to start hormones the effects are reversible to a point. I am 49 and like the other ladies I waited to long , fighting who I am trying to be the tough guy and I have to tell you that I was not happy . I finally accepted myself 4 years ago and wow , I cannot begin to describe the feelings I felt , I did not know I could be so happy and the further I go on my road of transition the more complete I feel and with the love and support I have in my wife ... well I don't see how my life can get much better. Good luck in your decision and don't let anyone tell you what is right for you , only you will know what is right , the therapist , family can only try and give you direction but it is up to you and only you in the end. Remember we are all here for you .:hugs:

[AnonyMouse]

I have some practical issues with that right now, i am about live with three guys in two bedrooms. So i share a room with another guy, hiding things becomes hard. I also cant afford a wig and cant use my hair seeing as i am extremely "folliclelly challenged" (my prefered term for balding). :heehee: But i definitely want to!!!!
Ooh, I know how that goes. I live with my fundamentalist Christian parents, and they would completely flip their lid if they knew about me. That's why I suggested an online space. All you have to do is find a trans-friendly site you've never been to before, register, explain that you're questioning your gender and want to find out what it's like to interact with others as a girl, and wallow in the amazing capability of others to actually believe that you are who you say you are. I started at NuttycaTS (http://www.nuttycats.co.uk/), which is a great site absolutely full of supportive people. I also hang out at Solia Online (http://soliaonline.com/). It's an avatar site, so you could create your own female persona there, and while it's not trans-specific it is very inclusive and has a thriving LGBTQ community with their own subforum.

I also know how the other thing goes. I've been losing my hair for a while. :sad: You'd think that wouldn't be a problem (or at least, I would), but it turns out guys are as vain about their hair as anybody else. THINK OF THE HAIRSTYLES I'M MISSING. You can't get back any hair that you've already lost, but I've heard of quite a few people who have good success preserving the hair they already have (and replenishing the hair that's on its way out) using Rogaine or saw palmetto oil.


this has been my number one fear! I am terrified i will go through therapy for a while then start hormones and completely ruin myself if i decide to stay a man.
And that's why I came up with my other rule: Take it slow. For someone in your shoes, hormones are a prospect that is still months or years away. You don't have to decide right away whether you want to take them or not. And if you do decide, as I said, you can change your mind before you get to the point where you'd actually start taking them.


i am definitely going to check out the sites you gave. And i have already thought about a diary, i think i will start it next month when i start therapy.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!:hugs:

You're welcome. :hugs:

[Melody Moore]

I finally accepted myself 4 years ago and wow , I cannot begin to describe the feelings I felt , I did not know I could be so happy and the further I go on my road of transition the more complete I feel and with the love and support I have in my wife ... well I don't see how my life can get much better. Good luck in your decision and don't let anyone tell you what is right for you , only you will know what is right , the therapist , family can only try and give you direction but it is up to you and only you in the end. Remember we are all here for you .:hugs:
I have to agree also with what Victoria has said here about the struggle we go through when you really are transsexual. It take most of us many years to finally work it all out, but is amazing to see that there are so many others who do arrive at the same final conclusion. If anything I can regret in life, is all those wasted years worrying about what I could & should have done and that I only wish I knew sooner, what it is that I can and will do to fix the problem.

Kyle/Kylie who ever you are, just know this, that you are in the right place now and there are people here for you, your attitude about the issue is very mature, I really dont see you having the struggle that some of us older females have because you are coming out in an era where there much better social acceptance & far more information available.

I have complete faith that one day you will work this whole thing out, and when you do I will be happy to also now that youve found yourself & have that same level of peace & contentment in who you really are. As for being "folliclelly challenged" I think I have proven already that is no excuse to hold yourself back. :heehee:

Hugs Mel Xx :hugs:

[Ingrid1999]

Ilovps-

I read your posts and recognize many feelings that you described in my own life. I think you are doing the best thing; talking to your mom, and getting support.

Although it might not seem like it now, but this is perhaps the most free time in your life, so dont be afraid.

Also, inquire about antiandrogens, that may help with your hair loss and buy you some time think about whether you want to persue transition or some other course.

Good luck.

[iloveps]

Also, inquire about antiandrogens, that may help with your hair loss



I hate to be grim but NOTHING will help with the already existant amount of hair i have lost at 21 years old........ Its bad......... really bad. Unless i can grow hair back (i wish) there really isnt any reason to try. :sad: