Not again...

[Alicia_lynn419]

OK... does this sound familiar?

I've spent the last few weeks talking to a lady I met online... many, many great long emails, which evolved into many great long phone calls. Everything looks good, everything is clicking, things seem to be going in the right direction. I told her about my crossdressing and she seemed really OK with it. I thought for sure I had "broken the curse". Then Saturday, I didn't hear anything from her, I tried to remain positive... this morning I get the "Dear John" email from her.

Yeah..the whole "I don't think I can handle it" story. She also said she didn't understand why I still am with the parents (she KNEW my history - divorce, bankruptcy, only recently getting back to a lucrative job, etc). It's not as if I hid ANYTHING from her. She came across as someone very non-judgmental that you could tell anything to.

Yeah, I wish my living arrangement was anything but what it is... but with the economy the way it is, trying to get back on my feet, needing to invest in an entire house worth of furniture, etc, (or find a good room mate situation - someone who could accept the CD and 2 big dogs), I figure I am best to just bide my time.

HELLO! ALLIE TO THE WORLD - THIS SH*T AIN'T EASY!

Sorry... just need to vent.. I am so angry, let down, discouraged right now I am shaking. WTF????

On the good news side of things, spoke to an old dear friend last night who was recently married. She in now expecting, and I am very, very happy for her, because I know this has been her dream. She told me she would invite me to the baby shower and that I was welcome to come as either Allie or Allen. Why can't there be more girls like her?

[CharleneT]

You might consider waiting till you meet, at least once, before bringing up the CDing. I'd say wait a little longer than that actually.

[IMkrystal]

HELLO! ALLIE TO THE WORLD - THIS SH*T AIN'T EASY!



YOU did the Right thing!!:thumbsup: Actually it's a WIN WIN situations because both of you will not be trapped in a relationship that many on here are dealing with. It's hard to be positive! but understand many of us are in the same boat. Dating Sites are about "THIS SH*T AINT EASY!":Angry3:

[KristinSkye]

Aww, I'm sorry to hear that :( Don't beat yourself up over it though, in my opinion you did everything right. Like Krystal said, it's pretty much a win-win. As crappy as it is right now think about how much worse it may have been if you had started to see each other and she gave you the Dear John speech months/years after being together.

[AKAMichelle]

There are more girls out there like her. They seem to be hiding form you just like they are from me. That's ok because they can't hide forever. Keep you chin up because things will improve.

[TNRobin]

Somewhere between when you did and the first couple of dates is probably the right time to say something. I'd think that if you brought it out right away that it could scare someone off that otherwise finds you interesting, but if you wait too long then it's kind of off the table until a major blowup happens.

So, that's my long version of saying that you did everything right.

[bianca66]

I have found the same thing as I was in a similar boat and had to rebuild everything that I lost over the years...From what I have found (for myself) "with dating" is that most people want to leave one relationship and jump into another with others with the most things or someone that is familiar/similar to what they had left. From what I have seen there doesn't seem that there is the time to grow and build a relationship like when we where 20 somethings and all had nothing...

Basically now just taking it one day at a time and getting everything back in order, need to head back to school/the gym etc...Basically looking after myself first...

[randumbness]

Yeah, they're usually hiding. WHICH SUCKS. But in any case, at least you were honest in the beginning. You need to be honest in order to build a relationship. Let her wrap her head around it, maybe she'll come around.

[Jodi]

My opinion--I don't think you tellling her about the cd'ing was the factor. I believe that you living with the parents was the big factor on the break. A number of women have told me that when a grown man, regardless of circumstances, is still living with "mommy", that is a red flag to run away.

Jodi

[Alicia_lynn419]

yeah... even though I lived on my own nearly 20 years, through marriage and divorce. Must be nice to live a perfect life.

[Mikaela]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you (and your current living situation), but I guess I'm in the minority. Although I think it should be brought up at the cusp of the serious stages, I do not think it's necessary to be brought up during the early stages of courtship.

To a degree, honesty is a lie. We try to put our best foot forward and I'm certain there are certain habits, past experiences, financial situations, or other areas of your life that you don't disclose (or shouldn't have) to someone in the initial stages of a relationship. It's not necessary nor is it their business. If I were to start talking to an interesting woman about all sorts of crap about my ex wife in the name of full disclosre, that would be killing the potential of a relationship.

The other thing is that this may be a person who might be accepting of it, but only after they've seen the stereotypes are wrong, or that it is someone they care about. If you play your CD card too early (but not too late!) you are robbing yourself of the potential to convince someone that CDing is ok.

[sissystephanie]

Alicia, I did meet a lady online who accepted my CD activities. This came after my wife of almost 50 years passed away several years ago. My wife knew of my CD'ing before we married and totally accepted and supported it.

The lady online accepts and supports in the same manner. But that is as far as it can go. She lives in Scotland and is married. In 2 weeks I will leave to fly over there to visit her and her husband. Have already been there once! Of course I do not CD while there because her husband does not know about me doing that.

BTW, we are fairly close together, since I live in Alpharetta. Since my wife is no longer around to do my makeup and fix my wig, I just go out as a guy in a skirt. If you are interested, I would like to meet you for lunch or dinner sometime! Send me a PM to let me know!

[kellycan27]

I say disclose early. it's not like it's going to go away if you wait. Why put off the inevitable until there is investment on either side? I don't get it. :straightface:

:2c:
Kelly

[Jay Cee]

I am sorry to hear that things didn't work out, Alicia. You are most likely going to hurt for a bit, but things will work out for the best in the end. Keep the faith in yourself, and the universe.

Hugs to you

Jessie

[lingerieLiz]

Your quandry is when to disclose. I assume you are out about your CDing. If I was looking I would be upfront and not treat it as though I had a dark secret that might make me less desireable. I've been married for many years, but over the years I have had 3 women that were aware tell me it would not bother them. When I was single I dated two girls who knew.

Yes CDing reduces the number of potential mates. So also does being a car, football, golf, ... freak and a number of other things in life. You must learn to accept yourself before others can accept you. Let people know who you are and take the time to sort through the maze. Who knows, maybe one of your friends will fix you up with that perfect person.

[michellesworld]

I still don't understand why it is so awful in western culture (excluding Italians) to live with your parents. In most cultures, you live with your parents until you get married, and when you get married and your parents are too old to work, they come live with you. What is so awful about this?:sad:

[Chickhe]

I think it is the parents thing, or being able to support yourself is more like it... no one wants to start a relationship supporting someone else. The other thing, treat the CDing as a positive...'I have a real cool hobbie', not I want you to know about my issues... and let her do most of the talking.

[Oddlee]

Hmmm... Well, I agree that one big dilemma is when to tell. My preference is after we meet in person, and tell it face to face. It's so difficult to measure emotion and true response via the written word. In your particular case, however, I agree with others that a bigger negative was probably "living with parents."

Having said that, my perspective is not worth much based on performance: I'm also single and looking... The one woman I've told wanted nothing to do with a CD, was worried about her 9-year-old son, and did not want a relationship she could share completely. Cross-dressing was not something she could share - called it "my dirty little secret." But my thinking now is to bring up this subject until after we've met...

Lee

[Patty B.]

You probably handled this as well as you could have although face to face meeting possibly could have been the time to disclose this, this is a real personal issue.

[kimdl93]

I've suggested this before to others having some disappointing early encounters. Why not place on line ad at a dating service and acknowledge your interest in cross dressing up front? That way, you may be able to sift out those women who can't for whatever reason handle the reality.

[Nadia-Maria]

I've suggested this before to others having some disappointing early encounters. Why not place on line ad at a dating service and acknowledge your interest in cross dressing up front? That way, you may be able to sift out those women who can't for whatever reason handle the reality.

By doing that, you will get in touch with women who are already able to handle crossdressing. (while most aren't yet)
This ability might be their best quality. They might lack a great deal of other qualities maybe still more important to you.

The most important is to get your best fit as a mate. And if this one is not yet able to handle crossdressing, you might be the one to teach them how to do it because she is a very special person.

My present wife would never have considered to date a crossdresser. But she obvioulsy was a very good fit to me.
And now, she is able to accept my crossdressing, because she loves me.

=> She acknowledges that coming out too early to her would have failed.


Hence the dilemma is this one :

. Either you essentially want a supporting wife to your CDing activities, without to be too selective about her other qualities
. Or you want the best as your mate, knowing that certain qualities are of more value than just the ability to support her husband's CDing.


According to your choice you will disclose earlier or later your crossdressing.

[kimdl93]

I'd agree - just putting it out there might put off some women. And there may be some women that are more willing to consider a CDer if they've gotten emotionally invested first.

I have to admit - I met my wife via Match.com, but I didn't specifically identify myself as a cross dresser. I don't recall the exact wording I used - something along the lines of I was a bit vague about being open minded. We had already met and started dating when we started talking about what I meant by that.

[AuroraHime]

I think it's a same that some people just can't accept you for who you are. :(

But don't worry about it, I think it's good to bring up CD early in a relationship so that you don't have to hide anything.

I'm sure you'll find the right person some day, you just gotta keep looking and keep your head held high!

[JulieC]

You might consider waiting till you meet, at least once, before bringing up the CDing. I'd say wait a little longer than that actually.

I have to agree with this. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful, that you are willing to be up front with prospective dates about your CDing. That's very, very important and can't be overemphasized.

But, dating is somewhat of a marketing game. You put you best foot forward, show them how great you are, then over time they learn your downsides. CDing is viewed as a "downside" often enough that women generally don't feel it's something they have to accept in a prospective date. Yet, most such women are at least somewhat happy to accept a CDer as a boyfriend if they already have become familiar with them and have started falling in love with them.

The reality is, as I've said before here, little girls aren't raised to fantasize of marrying their knight in shining wedding dress. It doesn't work that way.

I recommend going slower; wait a while. See if general compatibility, in person, is there. See if there's reason to believe the relationship is going somewhere. Then let her know.

[Starling]

Aurora, it's encouraging that there are ladies like you out there who support and enjoy being with TG folk. And you're very pretty, into the bargain. I'm sure we're all glad to have you join us here.

:) Lallie

PS: I wanted to leave a message of welcoming--and thanks--on your profile page, but I think you need to make 10 posts before you have that functionality.

[t-girlxsophie]

Am sorry things didn't work out with this woman,But I think it was right to bring things out in the open straight away,forced her to face up to her ideals and her true feelings,better you find out at the earliest stage to avoid things ending in tears,though I'm sure It still hurts you

.I know you probably sick hearing It,but there is Ladies out there who would love nothing more than to be with you,and the moment may arise when you least expect it

:hugs:Sophie xx

[Alicia_lynn419]

Thanks for all your kind words... feeling much better today. After re-reading her email again, I think she has other issues than my CDing or living with the folks. The bright side is there's one less girl to worry about... on to the next one, right?

Well, I actually think I'm giving up the online dating thing for a while. It's been a year, time for a break.

And I DO understand how my living situation could be an issue. However, every situation is different. I've been putting off moving out until my finances have improved after bankruptcy and divorce. My job remains shaky as do a lot of people's. But I try to make the best of my time here... I have a yard to garden in, take care of yard work and other house work for the folks who are both aging quickly and now retired. One thought I had is that living with the family may be different depending on the relationship you have with your family. I'm not mooching off my folks, nor am I unable to support myself... just trying to make sane, calculated decisions.

Thanks again to all who responded, and thanks for letting me vent!

Allie

[Imogen_Mann]

My opinion--I don't think you tellling her about the cd'ing was the factor. I believe that you living with the parents was the big factor on the break. A number of women have told me that when a grown man, regardless of circumstances, is still living with "mommy", that is a red flag to run away.

Jodi

Pretty much what I was thinking too. :straightface:

[kimdl93]

I would ignore anyone who takes exception to your living arrangements. If this is what works given the current economy, or if your family is providing a source of needed emotional support, then that's all that's important. Its not like you're sitting in your childhood bedroom playing with Star Wars action figures.

On the relationship scene, just do what feels right. I found that things came to me when I least tried or expected.

[Alice Torn]

Al, I completely empathize with you. The singles world is very perfectionistic, and brutal, even without the cd issue! I am 56, have moved 47 times, have about thrown in the towell, but not completely. We live in extremely unusual times, and the expectations many single women have, seem way out of our reach.Your not alone. There are many hurting single men out here. Like Red Green always says, "I'm pullin for ya. We're all in this together."

[Starling]

...I'm not mooching off my folks, nor am I unable to support myself... just trying to make sane, calculated decisions...

I feel for you, Allie. There but for fortune go many of us in these insecure times. Good luck in life and love, honey.

:) Lallie