Help with talking to my father . . . A little venting as well

[christiek]

Ok so heres a bit of background. If you would rather skim through a bit and skip to the the next part to save some time I understand.

I came out to my family when I was 15/16 (depending on who it was). When I came out to my father he didn't take it well at all. The convo pretty much ended in "well I am 16 now and I may be living under you roof but this is my life and you can no longer tell me how to take care of every aspect of it."

He made rules about me dressing. One of which was that I was to only do it in my room/basement. He didn't want to see it at any cost "I don't care if you have to pee in a bottle don't come upstairs with any of that on." Which I actually had to do believe it or not. Of course when he found out I got in trouble for doing something thats "Nasty." Would you make up your mind ffs.

I was not allowed to leave the house dressed either. I usually would leave and change at a friends before going out. As I posted on another thread recently, I was scared to death that I would end up getting hurt and going to the hospital and he would get called with me totally dressed. And that now looking back I kinda wish something would have happened (nothing major of course) then maybe he would have faced it back then.

There was one time I had met him, his GF (at the time) my brother and sister and my grandmother to eat. I had to use the rr and of course went to the ladies room. He made a statement when I came back about it being illegal for me to go into the womens restroom. I corrected him stating that I had called and asked about that and that they told me that there was no law against it but to go into the restroom that was proper for what I was presenting as and have my letter from my doctor on me at all times just in case.

By the way he still calls me by my birth name and refuses even to shorten Christina to Chris and use that. It gets rather awkward when he does that and I obviously in no way look anything like a boy. It's even worse when I am in public. Tho when I am in public these days and meet him, if he decides to do that I make sure to point out that he is only drawing more attention to us being that it is a name that has NO female version even in its shortest form. Its one of those old bible names. . . bet you can guess which one! Don't say tho please.

At this point most of my family accepts me for who I am and realizes that I was never meant to be a boy. All my family on my mom's side (except the ones I haven't seen or spoken to since I was little) accept me including my uncle and step-dad. All their friends do as well. Most everyone on my dad's side does as well. Excluding well my dad, my grandfather and my "step-grandfather" (my dad's step-dad AKA Poo) It's not Poo's fault that he doesn't accept me. He is getting way up there and has Parkinsons and is confused in general. My dad's stepmother (Nana as I call her and the one person I am the closest to in the entire world) and my gay uncle were the first to accept me. Since then My grandmother, great grandmother (omg I couldn't believe this one, it took a very long talk for her to understand but eventually she did) even all my great aunts/uncles accept me now.


History history history!

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Heres where my problem is. Almost 10 years after coming out to my father he still doesn't accept me for who I am. I think at this point he at leasts has come to terms with the fact that he can't change it but will not himself change. Since I moved out when I was 18 (except for the past year on todays date I might add) I have lived within 5 minutes of him (multiple places but still that close). We still hardly ever speak. I don't ever get to talk to my ("half", different mothers) Brother and Sister either. Lord knows what they think or what their mother has told them (10 years of going through hell with that woman and even 10 years after they broke up I still have a hatred for her that has never ever been present in my life before or since. If anyone would like to know more about that I wouldn't mind sharing but it really isn't relevant beyond saying that she put us ALL through hell) or our father for that matter.

My father recently got remarried (3rd times a charm at least for his sake I hope). I really like her and BONUS! She owns her own business doing electro! Can you say FAMILY DISCOUNT! So she is familiar with the the TG community and has helped some already. If it weren't for her I doubt I would be speaking to my father at all. She also has two children of her own, a son and a daughter. I hate to think that my sister is looking up to her daughter instead of me as an older sister. The two of us were always close and I had hoped as she got older and she understood more about me that we would become even closer but it hasn't happened yet. Hopefully she will be going off to college soon and that will give me a couple years to work on my sister before she is off to college as well. She is now old enough to make her own decisions without having to consult either of her parents on every little thing. My brother is going to be 11 or 12 this year I can't remember which (that says a lot in itself). Every time he sees me he tries to make jokes about me.

I am now planning on moving back to that area sometime soon. I still live quite a ways away but am looking online to find jobs in that area so I can move back. It is where all my friends and half of my family lives and my hometown as well. I need to figure out a way to fix our relationship. I have already tried for years with hardly an advance. I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Jay Cee]

That is a harsh thing to have to deal with, Christie. Very harsh.

While I have no experience with coming out to family, I can well imagine what my dad's reaction would have been if I had told him something like that a decade or two ago. It wouldn't have been pleasant.

Here's a few suggestions:

1) Is he a religious man? Can his rejection of your true self be linked to some sort of church inspired homophobia (or something like it)? If so, could you get someone that he attends services with (and trusts) to chat with him, to help him see what he is doing to you with his attitude?

2) Can any family member intervene on your behalf. Could this person talk to him, and try to get him to understand that the way you live is not so much a choice for you as it is a necessity?

3) Time heals all wounds, and helps mellow people. Ten or twenty years ago, my dad would have probably flipped out on me if I had told him I was crossdressing. Nowadays, he is a lot more relaxed. While I haven't mentioned it to him (I've scarcely accepted it myself), I'd imagine he would have less problem accepting it now.

4) You may have to accept that he may never accept your true self. While it will hurt, you still have family and friends that love you and accept you as the person you are. Count yourself extremely fortunate in that.

Sorry, that's all I got, Christie. I wish you all the best with this.

Hugs

Jessie

[Hope]

The way you deal with a bully is not to keep giving him your lunch money, but rather it is to punch the SOB in the nose. The way you punch your relatives in the nose is to cut off their access to you, and you explain to them exactly why it is that they will not be speaking / hearing from / abusing you (and your children) any more and the changes that they need to make before you are willing to have any contact with them again. Most of the time, when people realize that they can no longer abuse you, they stop, and you can have a productive relationship with them again. Of course, occasionally, some one decides that not having you around is even better than getting to kick you on a regular basis - in which case, you are better off without them.

You can't force your father to change, you can't mend the relationship all on your own, he has to participate, and in order for him to participate, it sounds like you are going to have to get his attention first.

[christiek]

That is a harsh thing to have to deal with, Christie. Very harsh.

While I have no experience with coming out to family, I can well imagine what my dad's reaction would have been if I had told him something like that a decade or two ago. It wouldn't have been pleasant.

Here's a few suggestions:

1) Is he a religious man? Can his rejection of your true self be linked to some sort of church inspired homophobia (or something like it)? If so, could you get someone that he attends services with (and trusts) to chat with him, to help him see what he is doing to you with his attitude?

2) Can any family member intervene on your behalf. Could this person talk to him, and try to get him to understand that the way you live is not so much a choice for you as it is a necessity?

3) Time heals all wounds, and helps mellow people. Ten or twenty years ago, my dad would have probably flipped out on me if I had told him I was crossdressing. Nowadays, he is a lot more relaxed. While I haven't mentioned it to him (I've scarcely accepted it myself), I'd imagine he would have less problem accepting it now.

4) You may have to accept that he may never accept your true self. While it will hurt, you still have family and friends that love you and accept you as the person you are. Count yourself extremely fortunate in that.

Sorry, that's all I got, Christie. I wish you all the best with this.

Hugs

Jessie

1) He claims to be a religious man but doesn't really practice much anymore. I know his friends and they are/would be worse than he is.

2) I have tried. Even with his new wife. Like I said she is the only reason we even talk as little as we do. He still doesn't accept the fact that his own brother is gay either. He just ignores it bc there are no physical changes he has to look at.

3) I know and I am hoping with time maybe something will happen.

4) I can't accept the fact that he won't accept me any more than the fact that he can accept the fact that I am who I am. Like father like daughter? lol!

Thanks for the advice tho. I do appreciate it. I guess I just have to keep trying.


The way you deal with a bully is not to keep giving him your lunch money, but rather it is to punch the SOB in the nose. The way you punch your relatives in the nose is to cut off their access to you, and you explain to them exactly why it is that they will not be speaking / hearing from / abusing you (and your children) any more and the changes that they need to make before you are willing to have any contact with them again. Most of the time, when people realize that they can no longer abuse you, they stop, and you can have a productive relationship with them again. Of course, occasionally, some one decides that not having you around is even better than getting to kick you on a regular basis - in which case, you are better off without them.

You may be right in a way. I really don't speak to him that much and for years we didn't speak at all unless it was at family gatherings. Maybe that did get through to him a bit. At the same time I look and see that the only time I ever talk to him is when I contact him. He never makes a point to contact me. I am hoping by moving back and now that he is married again that she will invite me to some family gathering sort of things. Or at least maybe I can get through to him like I did my grandmother.

Another story coming up . . . Ill make this one short tho.

Thanksgiving a few years back my grandmother had told me that she wasn't going to have the usual gathering at her place like she usually does. I found out from my uncle that in fact that was a lie. I called her that morning and asked her what she was going to be doing that day as I had no place to go and was going to see if I was welcome wherever it was she was going. She still said that she was going elsewhere. So I confronted her saying that her own son (my uncle) had told me that there had been plans for everyone to come out there for months now. I was already on the verge of tears when I first called and that set it off like you wouldn't believe. Next thing I know she is saying "well we decided to do this last minute but you are more than welcome to come" I let that lie go given that I had done/gotten exactly what I had planned/wanted. We have had a good relationship since. I even ended up living with her for a few months a couple years ago when I lost my apartment.

You never know what will happen. All you can do is hope that you make the right choice when the opportunity presents itself. That is one thing I have learned. I guess I am just looking for some ideas on how to bring that opportunity about sooner. Thank you both for your advice!

[kellycan27]

It took my mom about 10 years to get over it too. She finally figured out that it wasn't a phase, and it wasn't going away. But for about 10 years it was pure hell trying to get along with her.

[Chickhe]

My relationship with my parents is not good, not because of CDing (they don't know). It is similar though, they are very controlling and I am very independent, every conversation I have had with them in the last 20 years has ended in bad feelings... there are a lot of details, but it doesn't matter, the point is, I have tried and tried for years to reach some level of respect, but it seems they only care about themselves...so my last attempt to resolve the relationship issues (mostly for my benefit, because I don't want to be around them if they are disrespecting me) was to write my thoughts out and ask them to respond and to tell me what they wanted our relationship to be...I have not received a response in almost 1 year. So, don't waste your energy and emotions getting depressed because of these people... it is okay (you can feel good because you tried your best...they are the problem which you can't fix) let them decide to come to you and when they do, you set the ground rules, if they don't come to you right away...at least you have some peace and quiet for a while.

[CharleneT]

You mentioned that your dad can't accept his brother as gay, it truly sounds like he is just not going to be open minded about a lot of things (outside his understanding). Since he is ill, I'd say your best bet is to go for as much contact as possible, without letting him make you too uncomfortable. Maybe try and enlist the new wife to help, but I would not expect too much change.

One idea, if his new wife will help: no longer answer to your male name, when he uses it, ignore him - and get her to say something like "Dick, her name is Chris". No big discussion of why, just a simple correction. If he balks, just move on, don't make it a stand off. Repetition might work. Depending on the state of his dementia, this may not work for some organic reasons ...

[Faith_G]

I've begun to use the Cheech & Chong line: "Dave? Dave's not here!" :D

[Frances]

You are not obliged to have a relationship with blood relatives.

[Hope]

You are not obliged to have a relationship with blood relatives.

Truer yet less obvious words have not been spoken.

[christiek]

You mentioned that your dad can't accept his brother as gay, it truly sounds like he is just not going to be open minded about a lot of things (outside his understanding). Since he is ill, I'd say your best bet is to go for as much contact as possible, without letting him make you too uncomfortable. Maybe try and enlist the new wife to help, but I would not expect too much change.

One idea, if his new wife will help: no longer answer to your male name, when he uses it, ignore him - and get her to say something like "Dick, her name is Chris". No big discussion of why, just a simple correction. If he balks, just move on, don't make it a stand off. Repetition might work. Depending on the state of his dementia, this may not work for some organic reasons ...

Thank you for the advice. One minor correction. It isn't my dad that is ill but my step-grandfather (my dad's step-dad). We still have a relationship tho. At least with his situation I can understand that he is ill and has a hard time remembering and doing things in general therefor I wouldn't say a word to him about it. If out in public and someone says something to me about it I would just explain that he gets confused easily.

As for my dad . . .Hopefully my new step-mother will go along with that as it is a good idea. Also I liked the "Dick her name is Chris" thing . . . Good choice of name lol! Tho that brings up another point. His name is Anthony Craig <last name> but he goes by Craig and has all his life. When he gets really bad about it some times I will call him Ant or Tony. My mom is the same way Dorris Ann but goes by Ann. That was one way I got through to her about the name thing. I would call her Dorris which she hates!

[CharleneT]

"One minor correction. It isn't my dad that is ill but my step-grandfather (my dad's step-dad)."

OOOopppppssss..... sorry !!

[Melody Moore]

Personally I have lots of issues with my own father, but its nothing to do with me being transsexual, mine doesnt even know and nor do I really care after what mine has done to me & my family.

However if I was in your situation I would just turn around and confront him fully dressed and say "Dad, I know you don't like me for who I am, but that is really your issue. But please know that I will always love you because of who you really are & what you mean to me no matter what. But I cannot live my life for you, I have to stay true to myself & be the person I am suppose to be".

There really isn't a whole lot more you can add to that I don't think - so I would leave it at that & if he doesn't respond to that, then there is not a whole lot you can do - you already know that you have to live your life for you & not for him.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Don't bring Dave into this. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[TerryTerri]

My 2 cents is that it sounds as if your Dad may never really accept you.

So, I think you need to start considering at what point you are going to decide that it is futile to continue trying and to stop fighting futility.

Regardless of how much you may want you Dad to be part of your life, it is something you are powerless over. You may be able to influence, but you do not have control. Your Dad controls his side of the equation and it may be impossible for you to change his rejection of your true self. If that is the case, I think you will be overall happier and more content if you accept the reality, make the appropriate adjustments to your life and continue trudging toward a happy destiny.

My thoughts anyway, and they may be full of s***. But, they're my s***.

Good Luck to you!

[Melody Moore]

You need to start considering at what point you are going to decide that it is futile to continue trying and to stop fighting futility.

Regardless of how much you may want you Dad to be part of your life, it is something you are powerless over. You may be able to influence, but you do not have control. Your Dad controls his side of the equation and it may be impossible for you to change his rejection of your true self. If that is the case, I think you will be overall happier and more content if you accept the reality, make the appropriate adjustments to your life and continue trudging toward a happy destiny.

I think TerryTerri hit the nail right on the head.

[Nicole Erin]

You had to pee in a bottle in the basement?
What if you had to take a dump? :doh:

Umm anyways, people do seem to have a hard time accepting or adjusting.
The stupid morons I go to school with still cannot seem to want to call me Erin. They say it is hard to get used to, OH yeah like they have known me for so long.

[7sisters]

When he calls you by your birthname people are going to think he's gone dotty. And the older he gets, the more nutty he's going to look.
On the other hand I know several sexy women who have boys names!!! Even James King the model, actress carries a man's name well. Women with men's names are so empowered and sexy!! That's my perspective at least.
And how sweet you are to be so accepting of your family. You are a very lovely person. You will get your reward!!!

[Faith_G]

When he calls you by your birthname people are going to think he's gone dotty. And the older he gets, the more nutty he's going to look.
That is a very good point! :heehee:

[Sandra Dunn]

This Fall I will be telling my parents about my transitioning and I know it will go very bad. I am sending them a letter and I have statd in that letter that I expect this to sever our ties.

I will not let them control my life, it is mine to fix or screw up. If they wish to continue to have a relationship with me that will be great. I must do what I need to do, life is too short.

In your case since your father has not accepted you then the hardest thing to do and for your sanity is to, as was mentioned in an earlier post, stop talking to him. Do not give him the satisfaction or anything remotely resembling control over YOU. Take complete control of your life and of that situation. Do not put yourself in a position where he causes you discomfort in any form. Ignore him!

At first it will be difficult and as you stated you have lots of family. I am sure you can find the support you need in the rest of the family. It is interesting that there always seems to be at least one stick in the mud. Just go around him.

HUGS Sandra