More we dress

[AKAMichelle]

I have been thinking a lot lately about how my cd'ing is moving. Several months ago when I finally got free of the constrants and began dressing when I wanted again things changes. I go out shopping, dining, movies, nail salons and now mowing the yard dressed. I am beginning to question how this all ends. The issue is that the more I dress the more I want to dress. The more comfortable I feel dressed and interact with people, the more that becomes a part of me. Are we somehow by allowing ourselves to dress actually making the issue worse in our marriages and relationships? It almost seems like an addiction.

I don't see anything wrong with cd'ing but I question if it doesn't somehow absorb us into the cd'ing pit where we can never escape. Here is my observation which has got me thinking alot. I am a cd'er and not TS. I have no desire to be a woman fulltime but that is exactly what is happening. The more I dress and feel comfortable that way, the more feminine I feel. It is like I am moving to the other side faster and faster. I read a post awhile back about cd'ing = transexuality. I didn't agree with the premise but the more I dress I understand how you move farther and farther over to the female side of things. It is almost like I am really TS but until I let go enough to be me, I couldn't see it.

I see how SO's could become very frightened by this post and almost didn't post it because it might make it harder for someone to be accepted by their SO. Then I worried more about people just blindly following the examples on here of out cd'ers and end up going too far for them. There is a balance in life which is constantly changing just like the pendulum of being TG, but somehow I question if we don't control the speed and direction in which everything moves. It is so hard to explain this feeling which has come over me lately. I think it really hit me when I started going out in my own hair. I went out last night to see Inception and it made me really think if somehow cd'ing was an idea which allowed us to expand way past our comfort zone.

I know that I am rambling and I'm sorry for that. It is so hard for me to put this new feeling into words. I feel a little out of control at the moment and just trying to get everything balanced out again.

[Katesback]

Huston we have a problem. LOL

Yes I have always said that a lot of CDs are actually TS but the bell has yet to go off for them. Of course that does not mean all CDs are TS. Just a lot.

Katie

[bianca66]

Is it a question of addiction or just feeling more comfortable with ones self?

Ramble on Sugar :D

[kimdl93]

I understand where you're coming from, and I have the feeling that for many of us, the need/desire to dress is the tip of the ice berg. I know, there are plenty of girls on this site who are perfectly happy "where they are" in terms of frequency and extent. But there are many of us who have always had a yearning to be feminine, if not fully female, or frankly can't tell you where they want this to lead, because they don't yet know themselves.

Maybe for some people its an addiction - to the extent that dressing gives them a positive feeling, one that they seek to repeat. And I suppose for some people it can be destructive, like an addicition or obsession, and result in real damage to personal relations, finances, professional standing etc. Each person has to appraise their situation and ask as honestly and realistically as possible just what CDing means to them.

I'm perfectly all right with the idea that I'm not just a CDer, but also TS. I know I've always had this desire and am learning after all these years how to integrate the desire to dress, the desire to be a woman into my life. I don't know where it may end, but that's the best part of the journey.

[Chari]

We continually face life challenges and only the individual can choose what is best for them at that moment. Slow down, focus, think, and decide what is YOUR end goal of this CD/TS situation, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Perhaps since you do dress more often now, you have already decided in your sub-conscience you enjoy your feminine side more than the "guy" you used to be, and that is where you will be most comfortable.

[Naomi Rayne]

This is a kind of tricky post to wrap ones head around but i have come up with an answer i believe in so heres my 2 cents. I think that most if not all CDers relish the chance to be a woman. At some point or another a thought passes through our brain about becoming one. Some let the idea pass and and think nothing of it because its not what they want. Others act on it and get things going right away. Some get stuck in the middle and want to change but cant due to various reasons.

I think what happens more often than not is that you are so comfortable in womens clothes that its becoming second nature to you. So the thought of being a women might be a more prominent thought for you at the moment. But when a person stops to think about it. Would you want to live the rest of your life as a women? That can be a very taxing question. Because if one was to go through all the surgery's and everything what happens in a couple years from now? What if feelings change? You cant just keep swapping back between bodies with surgeries because things dont work that way. So it could be more of a curiosity thing at the moment.

Something you could try is living as a women full time or as often as possible for your situation without going through anything major. Seeing what its like to live like that might subside your thoughts or confirm that you are sure you do not want to be a woman.

People always say there are many levels to the TG spectrum and maybe all that has happened is that you are at the point where you are comfortable being either man or woman in appearance. CDing is a part of who you are and currently that part might just want to really explore itself.

[AKAMichelle]

Is it a question of addiction or just feeling more comfortable with ones self?

Ramble on Sugar :D

I think the answer lies somewhere in between. I do feel so much more comfortable when I am out dressed now. I almost don't want to go out in male mode ever again. That is the part which is beginning to bug me a little because just a few short months ago I was happy to be 50-50 or mostly male. It all changed when I quit using a wig for some reason.


Something you could try is living as a women full time or as often as possible for your situation without going through anything major. Seeing what its like to live like that might subside your thoughts or confirm that you are sure you do not want to be a woman.

I did this 2 years ago and I didn't feel this way. I did almost everything as Michelle but I still had my male time. I enjoyed that time and it was extremely rewarding. That is when I determined that I wasn't TS. That is partly where the issue is for me. I still don't feel TS but I do feel so comfortable as Michelle that I would rather go out as her.

Very Confusing!

[Tina B.]

Whats the difference between a cross dresser and a Transsexual, about 3 years. Isn't that the way they say it? being single now, maybe you just feel that you have less people you really owe and explanation too. Maybe it's just all that new found freedom, so give it time, if you are going over to the TS side, you will know before too long. And if that's where you will find happiness the rest of your life, then now is the time to find out.
Tina B.

[Jennifer in CO]

Michelle, my feeling is what you have described is a "non-Op" TS. A person who has found their center feeling more comfortable presenting as a female than a male but they are comfortable with their body. In essence, that is what I did for 5 years. My body changed to looking female since I had been on an anti-androgen since just after starting puberty and with the addition of hormones 8+ years later I had the complete appearance of a female except one small area hence I was more comfortable presenting as a female than a male but I and wife were happy with the plumbing still being attached.
You will get to a point however and whenever in life you chose that if you make that decision (SRS) it will be done with considerable thought and preparation. If your just more comfy in fem clothes then thats a perfect place to be as well. You are, You. I, from my point of viewing, find living as a woman and completing the journey separate steps and the latter best left to many hours of discussion between yourself, your SO if present, and PROFESSIONAL counseling

Jenn

[Kathryn Martin]

I think that this is really a process. Part of the inner journey is overcoming the barriers we have built for ourselves by conforming to the gender expectation that we all are faced with in society.

Breaking down those barriers to be free of the burdens we have imposed on ourselves releases the actual gender we are. It is interesting that older transgender people tend to not go all the way, that is remain pre-op but live as women. I am batteling the same issue that you are except I am at the point where I am eager to learn more about myself. I have kind of lost my pre-conceived notions about myself and will take this exploration as far as it will take me. What I mean is that I will explore my spiritual, intellectual and emotional development as a woman.

My SO is cautiously supportive of what I am doing. Cautious, I think because I am sorting through myself to determine what is true and what is smoke and mirrors.

I suggest http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/gender_expressions.htm an article by Carl Bushong which has helped me tremendously.

[CallMeMeg]

People who go off a diet put back the weight and then some extra. Why? Because they were told they can't have fat/carbs/meat/whatever and when they can, their brain demands what they couldn't have.

You've just gone off your diet.

[carrie-ann]

I decided a long time ago against going all the way. I still wanted to dress 247. That's why I went 247 with my dressing a.d I love it. I'm still having a name change done through the court system. So I have every part of me now. I consider myself transgender. Everyone HD there own path as you walk it you will find the wright one.

[Kate Simmons]

This is what I try to explain to everyone when I talk about integrating the feelings and making them our own.:)

[diannecourtney]

I find that i am discussing tis with myself almost weekly. As I anticipate the next step, i look forward to going beyond the heels and the forms. We all appreciate your wisdom in the matter. Our love to you.

[Gaby2]

Thanks very much for your post Michelle - you are light years ahead of me and it's very good of you to share your feelings, particularly with us inexperienced members. I read every word carefully. It helps a lot, :rose: gaby

[kellycan27]

Feeling the same on the inside no matter how you are dressed could be a big clue.:)

[suchacutie]

After being "male" for many years, and now having Tina appear, I've been saying in a number of posts that I love both genders and a reasonable goal for me is to craft a life that involves blocks of time where either one or the other gender exists.

But now I read this thread and I have to wonder:

Is my goal based on too little data? If I really want to make this determination, don't I have to live as Tina for a period of time in order to get at least part of the perspective that I've had as a male for so long?

Hmm, this is a bit complicated.

tina

[kimdl93]

I do think its a process ....and maybe the cards are stacked a little by our biology and up bringing towards spending more time CDing and less male time. Most of us have had to hid/suppress the female aspect of ourselves, that is not surprising that we so enjoy letting it out and experiencing what we've been denied.

And as I've posted before, I am one who believes that its healthier to be the same person, yes, as Kelly says, to feel the same inside, regardless of how one might be dressed.

[RebeccaLynne]

The issue is that the more I dress the more I want to dress.

Michelle, I can certainly relate. Not a day goes by without continuing thoughts of expressing my femme side. Unfortunately, that fantasy is unsustainable in the real course of human affairs for me. I've spent 56 years being a guy; into cars, firearms, a veteran, employed in an extremely macho occupation, being the Alpha male, father, son, brother, and boyfriend...and I'm not willing to give that up.

I think you've moved a lot farther into the outward expression of your femme persona than I ever will...and I'm happy for you, if that's what you really want...


Are we somehow by allowing ourselves to dress actually making the issue worse in our marriages and relationships? It almost seems like an addiction.

Yeah, I think so. 'Cause that's not how our loved ones know us...we're expected to be the "man", the protector...that's our role. And as a confirmed addict, I can certainly identify with the addictive nature of CD'ing...although I still drink and smoke tobacco; it's been more than five years since I last smoked pot, 'cause my employer tests, and I ain't goin' down to that b******t...I know how to play the game!...


I am a cd'er and not TS.

Me too. I've learned to separate the two opposite, albeit disparate, elements of my personality. That's the choice we have to make to maintain our equilibrium, and our sanity...


I have no desire to be a woman fulltime but that is exactly what is happening.

You're not saying you've succumbed to, and are controlled, by some unknown irresistible force..'cause you're not. You make the choice.


I see how SO's could become very frightened by this post and almost didn't post it because it might make it harder for someone to be accepted by their SO.

You did the right thing. Cards on the table...I'm still working on my GF...either it'll work, or it won't. Beyond my control.


There is a balance in life which is constantly changing just like the pendulum of being TG, but somehow I question if we don't control the speed and direction in which everything moves. It is so hard to explain this feeling which has come over me lately. I think it really hit me when I started going out in my own hair. I went out last night to see Inception and it made me really think if somehow cd'ing was an idea which allowed us to expand way past our comfort zone.

I know that I am rambling and I'm sorry for that. It is so hard for me to put this new feeling into words. I feel a little out of control at the moment and just trying to get everything balanced out again.

In the last two paragraphs, you've referenced control.

Take the reins, GF.

Yours,

BeckyLynne

[AKAMichelle]

After being "male" for many years, and now having Tina appear, I've been saying in a number of posts that I love both genders and a reasonable goal for me is to craft a life that involves blocks of time where either one or the other gender exists.

But now I read this thread and I have to wonder:

Is my goal based on too little data? If I really want to make this determination, don't I have to live as Tina for a period of time in order to get at least part of the perspective that I've had as a male for so long?

Hmm, this is a bit complicated.

tina

I thought I had solved the problem but this part of acceptance of self wasn't expected. Yes it is complicated. That is what makes it so hard for SO's to get their head around our cd'ing. you have to pull the layers back one at a time before you can begin to see the person hiding inside.

[eluuzion]

I have always been fascinated with this dimension of CD. Where does the line begin and where does it end? Or does it end at all?

Kind of like a line of kids waiting in line to ride the mechanical pony at shopping centers. Some kids only have a penny in their pocket and some have a pocketful of pennies...

There are a zillion paths to explore. One is "opportunity". When you are a kid, your dream is to buy one of every kind of candy in the store. When you grow up and can finally do exactly that, candy is just not that exciting...lol

The "novelty" element is a strong factor in the initial "freedom" of pursuing an interest that has been restrained for whatever reasons. The straw becomes a waterhose in many cases. The true picture usually becomes more clear after the initial rush and novelty of free choice progresses past the "newness" stage.

Just a thought...:love:

[Lucy_Bella]

Feeling the same on the inside no matter how you are dressed could be a big clue.:)
I think Kelly nailed it..There is a lot of truth in that statement question is , do you feel that certain way all the time or just when you are dressed?

[AKAMichelle]

The "novelty" element is a strong factor in the initial "freedom" of pursuing an interest that has been restrained for whatever reasons. The straw becomes a waterhose in many cases. The true picture usually becomes more clear after the initial rush and novelty of free choice progresses past the "newness" stage.

Just a thought...:love:

I certainly understand the novelty statement. That's why I haven't been rushing to make any decisions or anything else until things become more normal.


I think Kelly nailed it..There is a lot of truth in that statement question is , do you feel that certain way all the time or just when you are dressed?

I feel that way most of the time. I have some conflicting moments, but for the most part I spend most of my time on the feminine side for now. i guess that I am just moving along the spectum right now and it stops I should just be patient.

[suchacutie]

Michelle, now you have me thinking :)

One thing that keeps my male side firmly established is the fact that I promised my wife that she can have her man (my male side) whenever she wants...effectively veto power. Now, she uses this power very sparingly. She is supportive, after all.

But, my point is that my promise to her, and her affection for my male self quite definitely means that my male self will not disappear. That ole "forsaking all others" could be construed as our femme selves as well. (hmm, now that could start a firestorm!)

So, are we who have supportive spouses who we are dedicated to using that support not only to forward our femme selves (as we all say on this forum regularly), but also using it as a "krutch" of sorts to not have to face the issues that you are facing? Are we hiding from our TS selves?

Ok, let's say we are doing just that. I don't see anything inherently wrong in doing that as long as everyone is content, but maybe we all need to be a bit aware of the fact that if this possible krutch is removed from us that we may be faced with a new set of decisions.

You've generated a very interesting thread!

tina

[Anne Elizabeth]

I think that this is really a process. Part of the inner journey is overcoming the barriers we have built for ourselves by conforming to the gender expectation that we all are faced with in society.

Breaking down those barriers to be free of the burdens we have imposed on ourselves releases the actual gender we are. It is interesting that older transgender people tend to not go all the way, that is remain pre-op but live as women. I am batteling the same issue that you are except I am at the point where I am eager to learn more about myself. I have kind of lost my pre-conceived notions about myself and will take this exploration as far as it will take me. What I mean is that I will explore my spiritual, intellectual and emotional development as a woman.

My SO is cautiously supportive of what I am doing. Cautious, I think because I am sorting through myself to determine what is true and what is smoke and mirrors.

I suggest http://www.transgendercare.com/guidance/gender_expressions.htm an article by Carl Bushong which has helped me tremendously.
This is my first time posting. I have been a reader for a few years now and over the pase 10 months my wife and I have been talking, counseling, discussing and trying to wrap our heads around my desire to CD. I have to say she has been very patient and loving during this process. GOD BLESS HER!! When I read the thread and got to Kathryn Martins' post a bell went off and I went to the website she suggested. WOW!! I read the info there and read a second article and for me it answered tons of questions and quite possible has given me the reason for my cd'ing over my entire life. Now we have still tons of soul searching and reasoning but it has really helped me tremondously in just 24 hours. I really don't want to hyjack a thread but to me those articles are very important. Thanks Kathryn.

[Christina Horton]

Ok the way I think of it is like this.

it takes CD/TS/TV/HS....etc a certain amount of time to come to terms with themselves.

Like my sister. I came out as CD in like 93 and she came out to me in 98 and she said she was BI. I knew that was a stepping stone when she told me so she could get used to her being fully gay. Now she really thought and fully believe she was BI but it took her a few years to finely see that she was and is fully a lesbian.

Now I have said for years that I don't want SRS unless I could be fully a women and have my own baby(like a baby of my own DNA)! Now I too want to dress full time and am looking for a job where I might be able to do just that.

IF and I say IF I want to live the rest of my life as a women and after a few years of doing so I just might get SRS but right now I doubt it very much! But you never know eh!!!

But like said before if you want to dress fully time then try it and don't go for one min with out dressing as a man and see if you after a while you want to go out as a man for a break then you prob don't want SRS. Just my :2c:

[AKAMichelle]

I questioned writing this post because of the conflict it might cause with some SO trying to accept cd'ing. If it helped you then I guess I was right to have written the post. Hope everything works out for you and your wife.

[Tina B.]

Michelle, that's why we call it a journey, not a destination, you just never know whats around the next corner. I've always thought of myself as a transvestite/crossdresser, but the older I get, and the more free time I have, I find myself wanting to wear womens wear more of the time than I am willing to wear menswear. I feel more feminine in feelings and emotions, than at anytime in my life. Am I TS, or are my male hormones slowing down, or is it just more possibilities, now that I'm retired, I don't know. But then it really does not make much difference, since I have supportive wife, and plenty of time for me, I don't plan to do anything about it, but admit that it is true.
Tina B.

[SusieK]

I know some of this has already been said, but I wanted to put it in my own words...

In most endeavours, there are natural inhibitors on how far we progress, and those inhibitors provide appropriate feedback on our level of committment to a cause. I may have a fantasy to become a famous rock drummer, but the reality of my own talent and effort in practising means that I am unlikely to progress much beyond basic patterns. Also if I am drumming, then I am not doing something else, so it gets an appropriate limited share of my time fitting in with other wants, needs and responsibilities.

The concept of 'really' becoming a woman is an appealing fantasy for many (most?) of us, at all points on the CD/TG spectrum (even if only fleeting). Now I'm not suggesting for a moment that transitioning or going 247 is an easy option, but rather that the nature of the inhibitors is different.

Once you've given yourself permission to stray from societies conventions there are suddenly no guidelines about how far to go. Once you are comfortable out and about presenting as a woman, and with social ties not limiting your femme time, then how are you to decide how much is right for you? You can do all of the rest of life's activities while still presenting as female, so the restriction based on time sharing with other activities doesn't apply.

So what's to stop you? Do you need anything to stop you? You need to look much deeper inside yourself to find where you really want/need to be because the choices, decisions and reasons for being who you are, are truly yours. Once you're free to be yourself, the only question is who are you? the only reasons to present as either male or female is because you want to and that's who you are.

Freedom's scary huh?

That's my philosophical take on things, now any advice?

How do you feel about your male side and male activities? Why not treat both sides the same and instead of resenting male time as having to give up female time, try to look forward to it in the same way. If you've got or had any typical guy hobbies, then schedule them (back) in and look forward to them, just as you might look forward to a girly night out. This may provide the balance that you are looking for, and let you realise how lucky you are to be the CD that you think you are, or it may help you to realise that you are on a different path.

Susie

[Debb]

It IS kinda scary sometimes, I think. I believe that if I wasn't in my current position, I could transition ... but in the position I'm in, no way. I *think* I want to do it, but there's too much to lose, too much that I would definitely lose. I've been this way for 48 years, and I can live with myself, dressing and "being myself" and not going much further.

I think.

[Starling]

The older I get, the more I want to live true to myself. It is scary, mostly because I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt some people who can't understand.

Just a few years ago I would have been one of those people, so I'm not judging them. In fact, I will always love them, no matter what.

:) Lallie

[Patty B.]

Excellant post michelle, my wife occassionally will ask me if my job and health insurance weren't of such importance, would I dress more, or if we were to move from the area to a more tolerant location would I dress more than what I'm able to do now? Because it is a hyphothetial question, I probably would dress more, maybe even full time. Even though I've never had any desire for srs, my wife says I've become noticably more feminine this past year. Or would the opportunity to dress diminish because I was able to dress at will. An interesting question.