A balancing act

[Lexine]

My best friend Elizabeth has me confused these past few days.

Last night, we spoke on the phone and she expressed a strong worry about Alex. If you may or may not know, Alex is my boy mode and Lexi is my girl mode. I strive to keep both sides of myself as I have absolutely no intentions of transitioning but there have been quite a bit of challenges as of late.

Elizabeth expressed her concern that she feels that, over the past few weeks, Lexi has been taking over Alex's life. I think that there is merit to this, considering that one of my co-workers who I recently come out to began to notice that I'm becoming more increasingly feminine lately, though I'm not taking it too seriously considering she's a brash girl who makes quick assumptions without considering a lot of things.

Looking back, I don't think that Lexi and Elizabeth have been hanging out quite a bit. I think the thing that concerns Elizabeth more is the idea that as she's meeting Lexi and discovering who she is, that Alex is continuously being pushed by the way side. I think the last time Alex hung out with her was on the 7th and 13th of August. Lexi has hung out with Elizabeth, so far this month, on the 3rd and the 12th.

She even said outright that she appreciates the fact that Alex sees her as his best friend, and, above all else that she LOVES Alex and is helping Lexi because he asked her to, citing that when Lexi was born, she was just a femme version of Alex but now she's becoming a completely different person in the process.

I'm not entirely sure if a lot of TG girls see themselves this way, but I'll pose the question anyway: "How can you make sure that, while I'm discovering a side of myself that I haven't known before, that the people I love know that I'm still the same person deep inside?"

[Sara Jessica]

I think you are describing a slight variation on what a lot of us deal with when communicating with SO's, and the evolution of our TG being as well.

First regarding others, your friends are standing by your side but where they may have previously taken Alex for granted (in terms of "he is who he is and he's always there"), Lexi's appearance is, at least for now, a more jarring experience. Not only that but they'll notice any and all instances that Lexi might bleed into Alex and therefore come to a reasonable conclusion that she is about to completely take over.

Which segues into my second point. Who can say where this journey will take you over time? Speaking for myself, I've been in a fairly peaceful state in my TG existence of late but I still couldn't promise anyone, including my wonderful wife, where this will go in weeks/months/years to come. I think your journey will be much more interesting, and perhaps more profound as time goes on, given your age of enlightenment. The availability of information is such a game-changer compared to those of us who are a bit older (but not THAT much older!!! ;) ).

[BiancaEstrella]

I just think you continue to be the wonderful, endearing person that you are to her -- and continue to set up separate Alex and Lexi time. She should trust that Lexi is developing into the same caring, respectful person that Alex is.

One of my friends that I'm out to plays collegiate basketball. So with Dani, she and I discuss shoes, clothing for tall women, and other "girly" stuff. With Daniel, we talk about how to properly rotate in the 1-3-1 zone, how our favorite pro teams are doing, and basically anything that we don't consider girl talk. She got to know Dani fairly early in our friendship (probably 3-5 months), so she appreciates both the laid-back guy and the sympathizing girl that I embody.

[kimdl93]

Alex/Lexi - this is the crux of my concern about compartmentalizing and treating your feminine side as a distinct entity. I worry that its a little schizophrenic to have multiple personalities running around inside your head, vying for control.

Perhaps Lexi/Alex can be the same person - dressed or not, rather than an act, a alter ego or alternate personality.

[suchacutie]

There seem to be a lot of threads hitting this kind of issue with tangential blows.

I was only a male for much longer than you, Lexi, so when Tina showed up I really needed to think about the relationship between the two, and my wife helped a lot in this. The way I see it is that for many years my two parts were mixed and now we're beginning to separate those parts into the two gender roles that I have. Right now, early days for me (just 5 years) I'm more in the separation stage so that I can identify what role Tina has had in my male life.

So, whether Alex is the same or not really is up to you. I'm pretty sure that you can already identify parts of Alex that were really Lexi, and if that's ok with you then Alex won't change very much. If you start to separate those parts from Alex, then he will change. From what you've written, it looks like you are experiencing much of what I am in that you are trying to understand and experience Lexi, and it may look like it's taking over.

Whether or not it does is completely up to you, and only you can really understand. Certainly, input from others close to you is sometimes better information than we are generating for ourselves, but in the end we have to decide how that initial side of us (the one outwardly male but mentally mixed male/female) is going to evolve.

:)

tina

[Lexine]

First of all, thank you for all the responses and humoring me by treating Alex and Lexi as two distinct identities. As a writer, I'm able to articulate these two identities differently, and I'm glad that there is an acknowledgement of this in the responses! Now for the tough task that lies ahead...

Responding to your posts!


I think you are describing a slight variation on what a lot of us deal with when communicating with SO's, and the evolution of our TG being as well.


This is actually what I was thinking when I was typing this post, but I didn't want to outright say it ;) I'm glad the first post did :)



First regarding others, your friends are standing by your side but where they may have previously taken Alex for granted (in terms of "he is who he is and he's always there"), Lexi's appearance is, at least for now, a more jarring experience. Not only that but they'll notice any and all instances that Lexi might bleed into Alex and therefore come to a reasonable conclusion that she is about to completely take over.

There's my other friends who accept Lexi for what she is, and there's Elizabeth. However, I can see how my friends would learn to appreciate Alex more when he is absent in usual activities I'd do with them... which doesn't actually happen too often. I'd like to think that I've managed to balance my time as Lexi and Alex equally. Lexi DID get an entire month off last month, from July 9th to July 31st - the period when my makeup and purse was stolen and, in effect, Lexi was kidnapped (how symbolic)!



Which segues into my second point. Who can say where this journey will take you over time? Speaking for myself, I've been in a fairly peaceful state in my TG existence of late but I still couldn't promise anyone, including my wonderful wife, where this will go in weeks/months/years to come. I think your journey will be much more interesting, and perhaps more profound as time goes on, given your age of enlightenment. The availability of information is such a game-changer compared to those of us who are a bit older (but not THAT much older!!! ;) ).

Unlike most TG who are still trying to find themselves, I'm 100% certain that finding Lexi was the missing piece of the puzzle, and not the replacement to the entire puzzle. She complements Alex's existence as the wilder, less inhibited version of Alex that only exists when Alex allows her to. I have no dreams or ambitions to do HRT or GRS and I know that that will only cause more problems for me since I've had this duality for a long time. It's only now that I'm able to manifest this aspect of me visually.


I just think you continue to be the wonderful, endearing person that you are to her -- and continue to set up separate Alex and Lexi time. She should trust that Lexi is developing into the same caring, respectful person that Alex is.

Thank you, I plan to be as both. When I see her on Saturday, I'm going to hug her really close and not let go and tell her that I missed her deeply and kiss her on the cheek. I don't care if she thinks I'm in love with her, because a huge part of me still does. I'll regale you all with stories of me and Elizabeth in another thread. :)


One of my friends that I'm out to plays collegiate basketball. So with Dani, she and I discuss shoes, clothing for tall women, and other "girly" stuff. With Daniel, we talk about how to properly rotate in the 1-3-1 zone, how our favorite pro teams are doing, and basically anything that we don't consider girl talk. She got to know Dani fairly early in our friendship (probably 3-5 months), so she appreciates both the laid-back guy and the sympathizing girl that I embody.

I think right now my problem is that I was prevented from being Lexi for about an entire month, unable to get out, which is why somehow I think Lexi is trying to play "catch up" so to speak. Terrible analogy, but let's say you've been told to hold your breathe underwater for 10 minutes. After those 10 minutes, you're gonna wanna come back up and breathe as much air as possible. That's what I feel is happening.


Alex/Lexi - this is the crux of my concern about compartmentalizing and treating your feminine side as a distinct entity. I worry that its a little schizophrenic to have multiple personalities running around inside your head, vying for control.

Perhaps Lexi/Alex can be the same person - dressed or not, rather than an act, a alter ego or alternate personality.

I can't. They're too distinct, and I do not want Lexi to be fully associated with Alex other than as a possible sibling. And I did consider that compartmentalizing my identities might be a little schizo and maybe some sort of disorder, but I am well aware of each situation. It's not like I don't know what Lexi or Alex does. Lexi is the way I want her to be, though I do know that Alex has to make good these next few weeks. I think Lexi seemingly being out a lot is circumstantial, as I explained to a response I typed for an earlier post.


I imagine she knows that Lexi and Alex are the same person inside. The initial rush can be intimidating, though. There's a whole new person she has to learn about, become comfortable with, share, and love. Just be sympathetic to her needs, too. She knows Alex but is still learning about Lexi. It just takes time.

I think Elizabeth has a bigger emotional investment on Alex as opposed to everyone in the group since he's helped her go through some really difficult times with her personal life and he's always been there. To be quite frank, Alex is really the girl and Lexi is really the boy to make it more confusing LOL Alex is empathic towards Elizabeth's needs while Lexi wants to make sure Elizabeth has fun.

One of the things that Elizabeth discovered though is that, unlike Alex, Lexi is a follower. Alex is usually very assertive, planning, and careful while Lexi isn't. To me, this is okay because Lexi is a way for me to try out different attitudes that I want to have in Alex eventually... something of a proving ground. Knowing this, Alex can't be complacent to control like Lexi is.


It is definitely a heckuva balancing act, though. If she is expressing concern you should probably cut back on the Lexi time with Elizabeth, at least for now. Go slower. Even good friends will take a while to become completely comfortable with it. It's something I think we sometimes forget.

I was considering cutting back, but Elizabeth wants to know Lexi since she is a very important part of Alex's life. So if she notices that Lexi stops existing for a time, she might feel that some sort of rift was created because of what she feels. I don't want her to feel that way at all.


There seem to be a lot of threads hitting this kind of issue with tangential blows.

I was only a male for much longer than you, Lexi, so when Tina showed up I really needed to think about the relationship between the two, and my wife helped a lot in this. The way I see it is that for many years my two parts were mixed and now we're beginning to separate those parts into the two gender roles that I have. Right now, early days for me (just 5 years) I'm more in the separation stage so that I can identify what role Tina has had in my male life.

So, whether Alex is the same or not really is up to you. I'm pretty sure that you can already identify parts of Alex that were really Lexi, and if that's ok with you then Alex won't change very much. If you start to separate those parts from Alex, then he will change. From what you've written, it looks like you are experiencing much of what I am in that you are trying to understand and experience Lexi, and it may look like it's taking over.

Whether or not it does is completely up to you, and only you can really understand. Certainly, input from others close to you is sometimes better information than we are generating for ourselves, but in the end we have to decide how that initial side of us (the one outwardly male but mentally mixed male/female) is going to evolve.

:)

tina

I think this evolution of my feminine side is at a rapid pace, being repressed over these past few years and I understand that now she's growing into this other identity that is distinctly different. But I can't forget that Alex needs to evolve too, along with Lexi. I think that I do need to hang out with Elizabeth as Alex a lot more - but I think that part of my actions selecting Lexi over Alex is that Alex becomes more emotionally attached and hinged towards Elizabeth. It wasn't too long ago that Alex loved Elizabeth more than a friend, and I felt that by introducing Lexi, Elizabeth can learn to live by having fun again and experiencing things that she would otherwise oppose ... not anything bad, but differing attitudes.

Ironically, the usual advice I would give for situations like these is to communicate all these feelings with Elizabeth. However, I feel that I still need feedback from the forum before deciding on anything.

[kimdl93]

Clearly, Elizabeth is an important person in your life, and really, maybe all you need to do is give her some reasssurance and some more "Alex" time, so she doesn't feel that relationship is threatened. I don't suppose its much different in that sense from a marital relationship....no one wants to lose a friend or lover to some third party or persona.

[Lexine]

Clearly, Elizabeth is an important person in your life, and really, maybe all you need to do is give her some reasssurance and some more "Alex" time, so she doesn't feel that relationship is threatened. I don't suppose its much different in that sense from a marital relationship....no one wants to lose a friend or lover to some third party or persona.

I actually just tried giving her a lot of my time today but she hasn't really been receptive. There must be some double standard here that I'm not catching onto. Either way, I gave her a lot of affection and care and she didn't really reciprocate in terms of attention so I'm not sure what the deal is.

[Lexine]

As Alex or Lexi? Did you talk to her about it?

As Alex. And I can't get a hold of her.

[BiancaEstrella]

May be time to dial down a bit and let cooler heads prevail. She knows how to reach you if she needs you, and when she's ready to talk, she'll come around.

It's a bit passive in approach, but certainly better than squeezing her.

[AKAMichelle]

That is a tough one. You have to work very hard to pull that one off. I guess the key would be to make sure they see Alex as well. The other thing would be to show that Alex = Lexi. If they see you as 2 people then something is going on which you need to take a step back from to figure it out.

[kimdl93]

May be time to dial down a bit and let cooler heads prevail. She knows how to reach you if she needs you, and when she's ready to talk, she'll come around.

It's a bit passive in approach, but certainly better than squeezing her.

Yup, sometimes its better to take a step back and see what happens. I'd suggest that you balance your Lexi/Alex time as suits you, and let things sort out for themselves.