reality bites

[Lorileah]

I have really tried to have a positive attitude and looked at people as having open minds. I have always been a proponent for being yourself and being happy with yourself. But reality has a nasty way to come back on you.

This is totally a vent, nothing else. I am still for living your life in any manner that makes YOU happy.

Long ago, in a thread far way I wrote about having a long time friend accept me. I know I am never going to be the beautiful princess I want to be. I know that physically I will never be mistaken as a genetic female. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am who I am. I also know that the people on here accept who I am (they may not like me but they accept me). But today, my best friend, told me that no matter how I present, I can never be attractive (OK he said I don't look good no matter what and that this is especially true when I dress). So, three steps back now.

Not something anyone likes to hear. :sad:

[Danni Bear]

Lori, it sounds more like jealousy, you are a very lovely woman

Danni

[TNRobin]

I don't have any profound words of wisdom, but judging from your avatar I think that you present yourself as a female quite well.

[Elsa Larson]

Your friend must be suffering from testosterone poisoning of his eyes.
I'm no beauty but I've had women tell me that I am pretty. Women perceive beauty and physical attractiveness much differenty than men do.
SO spend more time with your female friends and enjoy their opinion of you.

[ArleneRaquel]

Lorileah, You are gorgeous. IMHO your so called friend is jealous. :battingeyelashes:

[April Renee]

Take those three steps back, pick yourself back up again, tighten up those ankle straps and keep right on walking. As long as you have been around here I'm sure you've given advice to someone in a similar situation. What I'm curious about is how and what your reply was to him and, what difference it made in his mind. After all he is a friend and not a significant other right?
.
Fight the good fight.
April

[Stephanie Miller]

And you put such value on this very shallow minded persons words because ???????

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

[Frédérique]

I am still for living your life in any manner that makes YOU happy.

Words to live by! :bighug:

Really, darling, a true friend would never say such a thing. I know it’s important to hear other’s opinions now and then, but this is a slippery slope on the best of days. I’m not sure if superficial attraction is what this is all about, but we’re all different in this regard. As long as you’re happy with yourself, you’re doing OK – just avoid the bumps in the road (roll OVER them), and carry on as usual…:)

[Lorileah]

What I'm curious about is how and what your reply was to him and, what difference it made in his mind.

Like so many others I just walked away and didn't say anything. Wrong move on my part I know.

Thanks for all the support everyone :hugs: I'll get over it and move on. We all know we cannot change who we are and I am just ornery enough to bull my way through this.

[Hope]

Your "friend" with the poison words is a jerk.

You look stunning in your avatar.

Besides, charm is always better than beauty.

[RebeccaLynne]

But today, my best friend, told me that no matter how I present, I can never be attractive (OK he said I don't look good no matter what and that this is especially true when I dress). So, three steps back now.

My goodness. Your best friend. That was mean. Very insensitive, and disrespectful.

I'd distance myself from this person post-haste.

Don't know who to attribute this to, but "with friends like that, who needs enemies"...

And I think you're attractive and personable, FWIW.


Not something anyone likes to hear. :sad:

Let him go, IMO. Not worth your time.

[larry]

I have really tried to have a positive attitude and looked at people as having open minds. I have always been a proponent for being yourself and being happy with yourself. But reality has a nasty way to come back on you.

This is totally a vent, nothing else. I am still for living your life in any manner that makes YOU happy.

Long ago, in a thread far way I wrote about having a long time friend accept me. I know I am never going to be the beautiful princess I want to be. I know that physically I will never be mistaken as a genetic female. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am who I am. I also know that the people on here accept who I am (they may not like me but they accept me). But today, my best friend, told me that no matter how I present, I can never be attractive (OK he said I don't look good no matter what and that this is especially true when I dress). So, three steps back now.

Not something anyone likes to hear. :sad:

Not all (friends) can understand or work their way thru all this. Just find friends who can accept YOU..

[eluuzion]

When a person selects a specific target for their verbal assault or similar demeaning attack, it typically has little to do with the "target/victim", and everything to do with the attacker's dysfunctional attempt to deal with his/her low self-esteem issues.

You should feel just a little bit "flattered", in a dysfunctional, twisted way...as these outbursts are typically directed at people they "envy" the most...

:thumbsup::love::thumbsup:

[pattyv]

I passed a GG today and I know she would love to look like you.
I also looked at your albums, and I find you a very attractive and stylish lady. It's obvious your "friend" has bad taste. Also you come across as a sensitive person who would never say such cruel things even if you were thinking them. I read a book many years ago titled" What you think of me is none of my business". Later the book went on to say "it is only what I think of you that's important to me".
With over six billion people in the world, why be upset over one persons opinion. Keep smiling.

[sterling12]

Keeping away from Philosophical Musings. Let's analyze: Your Friend felt that you weren't attractive. That means that he/him/himself didn't find you attractive. That's one opinion, it's his, and he's entitled to have it!

But, I'll just bet that there are lots of people out there in The Big Wide World who find you attractive, on The Inside and on The Outside. I think I have read stories that you have related about "gettin' hit on." Now some creep in a Bar is probably not every Gurl's Dream, but nonetheless that person, at that moment in time found you attractive. Be Flattered!

And, let's imagine that your Friend probably first knew Your Male-Self. I think it would be intensely hard for males who have been your "buddy," to ever try and imagine Lori. Remember to Males, "I find you attractive" means: "Your good looking enough, that I'd like to take you to Bed." For a Former "Buddy," that's probably someplace "he don't want to go!" Remember, they ALL assume we are Gay, and want to Cohabitate with every male we meet.

It will always hurt! Can't get away from that. But, you will find that The Initial pain will subside into a dull-sorta ennui'. New Friends, new Opportunities!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[crusadergirl]

Lori thats not the words you ever want to hear i know how you feel, one of my good friends had said something like that to me when i first starting dressing it hurt. You got a great support group here.
Your awesome !!!!

[Pythos]

Your friend is dumb.

At least your don't look like a Gothic horror like Moi. LOL

(I like my look, but it is edgy. You look nice, at least in the avatar)

[Rianna Humble]

today, my best friend, told me that no matter how I present, I can never be attractive (OK he said I don't look good no matter what and that this is especially true when I dress).

Seems to me that for a friend to say something like that,he must be going through some kind of upset in his own life. This is what would have made him look at you and see someone who doesn't "look good" rather than the person in front of him.

Looking good and attractive are not always the same thing, when I was Robert, I definitely did not look good, but people told me I had an attractive personality (most of the time). Now that I am Rianna, I do take more care to look nice and have been called stylish and pretty. I still have the attractive personality.

[suzy1]

I don’t get it? I have always thought you looked lovely.......really!

Hugs, SUZY

[Patty B.]

Just checked out some of your pics, i dont think you have anything to worry about, he was having a bad day, who knows why the negative comment. Easy enough to say ignore him, but the words can hurt.

[Ms Jennifer]

Honey,You are lovely. All you need is a real best friend.:hugs:

[Kieron Andrew]

not a true friend IMO, if he can put you down and make you feel bad...you are beautiful Lori, inside and out! and don't let anyone tell you any different...none of us are oil paintings and we do the best with what we have, if that isn't good enough for some people then tough thats their problem

[Haley]

Maybe he said that because he's trying to stop you from dressing? Maybe he doesn't like it that you dress and it makes him feel awkward for some reason because you're a close friend and he's just too used too to knowing you as you were before you came out to him...it's just my theory :( Whatever the issue is, it's his problem, because you seem like a wonderful person. Love your hair btw ;D lol <3

[Satrana]

People have different ideas what a best friend is.

Some think best friends should support you in everything you do and say whatever necessary to make you feel good.

Others think best friends are the ones who should tell you the truth even if it hurts your feelings.

At the end of the day your friend is only expressing his opinion based on his idea of beauty. Others may genuinely find you attractive. But the only important thing is that you present yourself the way you want to. Why place value on other people's judgments?

[Lucy_Bella]

Friends can be brutally honest ,that's why they are friends ..Appreciate the fact you have one who is honest to you. To one man it's junk to another it's treasure everyone has a taste of their own .:drink: Lets drink to honest friends and I will have another for not being to concerned that I am not attractive because the only person I am out to please is myself ..When it comes to dressing that is..

[DAVIDA]

Hi Lorileah!
You shouldn't put to much into what he said.
You could tell him that it doesn't matter what he thinks. You weren't interested in dating him anyway!:heehee:

[Kate Simmons]

I disagree with your friend Lori.:)

[Andy66]

Meh... you can't please everyone. Your friend's personal taste is just his personal taste. I checked out your profile page and photo album (I put on my eyeglasses for this) and found out that you're actually pretty cute. Maybe your friend needs eyeglasses too. :heehee: :love:

[Jonianne]

Maybe he said that because he's trying to stop you from dressing?.....

I was thinking that too.

The first person that accepted me, a lady friend that was a hairdresser and had roomed with an openly gay CD in the past, told me that I would never look like a female, that I didn't have the face for it. That really hurt, especially after knowing she was the first person that accepted me dressing. I don't know why she told me that, but it definatly knocked me 3 steps back. I already felt that I wasn't passable anyway, but it's a slap when you hear that from someone you thought was a friend. I have thought she may have said that to try to discourage me from dressing, because she was also a close friend with my first wife who was not accepting.

Lori, don't worry, you do make a very pretty princess!


People have different ideas what a best friend is.
Some think best friends should support you in everything you do and say whatever necessary to make you feel good.
Others think best friends are the ones who should tell you the truth even if it hurts your feelings......

Satrana, if Lori had asked her friend how he felt she looked, that would be one thing, but to have a friend say that unsolicited is another.

[ladyinblack]

I think you look great hun dont worry about other just do what makes you feel good

[Karinsamatha]

If I may say you are attractive! A good friend of mine Harry Huck em said "F&%^ em". What matters is how you feel. Your pictures indicate you feel pretty good when you are dressed.
:hugs:

[tanyalynn51]

I sound like a broken record on here, but you are beautiful, and your friend is an idiot. In fact, go get a 2nd opinion- Im sure theyll say he's an idiot too:heehee:. Get some real support who will recognize you for who you are.

[Kathryn Martin]

Long ago, in a thread far way I wrote about having a long time friend accept me. I know I am never going to be the beautiful princess I want to be. I know that physically I will never be mistaken as a genetic female. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am who I am. I also know that the people on here accept who I am (they may not like me but they accept me). But today, my best friend, told me that no matter how I present, I can never be attractive (OK he said I don't look good no matter what and that this is especially true when I dress). So, three steps back now.

Not something anyone likes to hear. :sad:

I know what I have to say will not be popular with everyone.

First of, you are beautiful and attractive!

I think that we are not all fully understanding the context. Your best friend became your friend and even best friend at a time when you presented as your male persona. He loved you for who you are as a person.

When you came out to him he accepted that the person he knew and loved as a friend was really a woman. He probably grieved a little because in some ways that was not what he signed up for. But he accepted you because he knew you for the person you were no matter how you presented.

I don't know how the topic came up, and what the context was, but I assume he must have been asked whether he found you attractive or if he liked the way you looked. Whoa, that really changed the water on the beans for him because he likely never looked at you in that way. There is a huge difference in "accepting a person as they are" and finding them "attractive".

I know what he said hurts and when the time comes maybe you can let him know that. But on the flip side I think you need to give him some credit both for accepting you and for telling you that, to him, you cannot "look good" or "attractive" because it changes the fundamental basis for his friendship with you.

He has been a good friend and you say a best friend for a long time. Don't loose him over this but try also to understand him (which I think you do on some level in any event.

You look great and are very attractive:hugs:

Kathryn

[erickka]

I think he's just jealous. The reason I'm saying that is because you look beautiful, and IMO, look better than a LOT of GG's. He is probably wishing he had a girl who looks as fine as you!

[Raychel]

I have found over the years that every move I make, Every decision that made, everything that I did, someone disagreed or did not like. I just try like hell to make my life as good as I can, and pretty much forget about what other people think. What to they know anyway.

I think you look great, :hugs:

[Jay Cee]

Hmmmph! With "friends" like that...

Don't let his words plant doubts in your mind - you are attractive. End of story.

[Fab Karen]

Your feelings are understandable. But then you should stop & realize, he might say the same thing to a GG ( I suspect him telling you this was his "I'm not gay" declaration to you, as if you automatically would be interested in him :rolleyes: ).

[suchacutie]

Ok, first of all, there is no way that he can legitimately say that you are unattractive. We have all agreed on this, so he is outvoted.

But, he said it. There are many possibilities: He was inebriated, he wanted your male self "friend" to return to him and was upset that he lost his male friend, he had a temporary "bug" where the sun doesn't shine after talking to someone completely against CDing, or he was just having a terrible day and you were there to be picked upon.

There are probably other possibilities too, but you'll never know which one is true....

unless you ask him.

really :)

tina

[joanne shannon]

A friend is someone who will stick by you through the good & the bad...someone you can always count on and would trust with your life. Perhaps this individual is not the friend you thought he was and maybe you need to find a real friend. From the two photos I saw, you are very beautiful and I guess there is some other factor at work regarding your friend's opinion.

Love . . . Joanne S.

[Ze]

Um...did you show him your avatar picture as a rebuttal? Seriously, I'm not kidding when I say this; you pass and you're quite attractive. Really. I think that's the only reason I'm your friend. :battingeyelashes: I've said time and again, you're lucky you're cute.

I, and I'm sure many others, know how it feels to be told shit like that. I think it was Marge Simpson that said, "There are many people out there who are going to try to tell you what to do. But most of the time they don't know what they're talking about."

Has this so-called friend seen you dressed? Has he seen photos? Has he seen any evidence of your female self at all? How unrealistic are his standards of women? Is he a poor lonely ******* like myself (albeit for different reasons)? There are many factors to consider here. I mean, I've seen both male and female pictures of you; they're like two different people. I was blown away when you first showed me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...aw geez...don't make me say it in public...

You're one of my favorite people with a fantastic attitude and, yes, very attractive features. Though admittedly I still can't choose between blonde or redhead.

*belches, scratches his crotch, and goes back to his NASCAR*

[Kieron Andrew]

You're one of my favorite people with a fantastic attitude and, yes, very attractive features. Though admittedly I still can't choose between blonde or redhead.

hmm, yanno i was thinking this myself, im still unsure which i like between the red and blonde...its like the redhead is the bad girl (and i do like bad girls ;)) and the blonde is the cute needs looking after girl (but i also like needy girls too!!)...now i know you've said shes yours but come on dude, you have to admit its easy to see how any man would feel honoured to have someone as sexy and beautiful as Lori on your arm :)...no wonder we fight over her all the time lol

oh and Ze is right..put some of your sexiest pictures under his nose and let him decide again!

[Ze]

hmm, yanno i was thinking this myself, im still unsure which i like between the red and blonde...its like the redhead is the bad girl (and i do like bad girls ;)) and the blonde is the cute needs looking after girl (but i also like needy girls too!!)...now i know you've said shes yours but come on dude, you have to admit its easy to see how any man would feel honoured to have someone as sexy and beautiful as Lori on your arm :)...no wonder we fight over her all the time lol

For the last time, I CALL DIBS! If you don't back off, I'm telling Esther!

Yes, folks, Ze and Kieron are officially in a Lori thread. i.e. Lori's going to start feeling better whether she likes it or not. :devil:

Edit: That's true, Kieron. I think we need more pictures to decide. Particularly ones involving a maid or bunny outfit.

[carhill2mn]

I cannot imagine a "best friend" saying something like this unless you asked for his opinion. If you did then, as a "best friend", he was giving you an honest answer even though it was not what you were hoping to hear.

[carolinoakland]

It sucks when friends think they're honest comments about THEIR feelings and opinions won't be taken in a hurtful fashion. I laugh the hardest whenever someone try's to tell me how HARD it is to get used to my new name. REALLY? HARD? FOR YOU? lol. And here I thought this was all about ME!

Lori, you are a fine looking woman and the only looks you'd ever get are the one's any good looking woman would get, your friend just looks at one type of woman, his. Carol

[Ze]

I laugh the hardest whenever someone try's to tell me how HARD it is to get used to my new name. REALLY? HARD? FOR YOU? lol. And here I thought this was all about ME!

I have no intention of derailing this thread, but can I use that quote on my immediate family, Carol? :D How wonderful.

[Samantha B L]

Lori,I'll tell you a few things if you'll promise to finish your cookies and milk and not to get a big head. I don't know you super well and you're a cyber freind anyway. But I always have a tendency to click back on your avatar and any other clips or pics the way we all do with Karen Hutton or Tamarav or Tracy Schapes or Pretty Flowing Gown. Maybe the person who told you that is a little uneasy that you are TS. And maybe a little bit stupid too. In an effort to discourage me from dressing my Mom told me when I was 18 that "you would make an ugly woman". Turns out I'm a passing fair "Goth" you could say.


:thumbsup: :hugs: :love: :drink:

[Nicole Erin]

Some men have this ideal of beauty that is a supermodel. Anything less just doesn't look good to them.
Now I think the "reality" is that no one here looks like a supermodel.
However, perfect beauty is not the real world anyways.

Hey I will say Lorileah - I wish I looked as good as you.

Thing is that a lot of men are really shallow when it comes to looks and such. I have a gay friend at school, he is like 28, not bad looking, but was complaining about how men are all into looks.

It is true that the world is shallow enough to judge a lot by looks, but there are people out there who look to a standard in others that they could not themselves meet. You know some older sloppy low income average joe is not going to get a 21 year old playboy bunny, even if he thinks he can.
And for the women - some fat ugly 30 something single mom is not going to land a financially stable handsome prince who loves kids and animals.
I think we all dream of having the mate who is perfect in most ways. I think 95% of the population wants to date the better 5%.

All I am saying is the shallowest peoples' opinion should be dismissed like the crap that it is. Your friend probably has this fantasy of being Hugh Hefner.

[sissystephanie]

This was your best friend who said that? Is he still? If I looked even slightly as good as you do in your Avatar, I would be looking for a new best friend!!

OIf course, that is a camera shot and maybe enhanced! But even so, you are a very good looking woman. Don't take what he said to heart!!

[AKAMichelle]

If I had asked your friend about me the comments would have been harsher. It is the beauty inside of us that really shines to others. You friend is only talking about the outside.

[Lorileah]

Thanks again everyone. Glad no one said "hey he is right! you troll" :) Things tend to change with time and in my mind a few things that some said here were right on. There were two other guys (golf foursome) and they had all met "Lori" so it wasn't secret. I think it may have been more a "good old boy" comment to deflect any hint of "gay" that was there. Two of the three have told my away from others that I do look nice. That includes the best friend so maybe I was just hyper sensitive. Guys talk big around other guys. I know that but even what some think are innocent joking remarks sometimes hit home.

I won't hold it against him, he will be a friend and probably a best friend forever. Sad for him is that he won't have the complete friend he would have had because Lori isn't going away. And if he can't handle her...he will never see her again. So half of his best friend won't be around. Did that make sense? When you have to be on the alert and defensive around someone, it just isn't a complete friendship

Thanks again every one. It is good to have friends

[Nicole Erin]

Good ol boys playing golf?
HA! well Lori, even if he thinks you are as delicious as a playboy bunny dipped in chocolate, he would never say.

Come on now you know how manly men are. ;)

Besides, since they know your male side first and foremost, that is all they really see.

So, do not spend another moment of worry.

[Lexine]

While I haven't hung out with you and probably never will given where we both are, I do know who you are in the forums and, if you present yourself in this way in real life, that attitude outweighs any sort of physical beauty that could be perceived.

Besides, has your friend gone blind?! The first time I went on the forums I thought you were a GG!

While people can be "realistic" about certain things, regardless of how valid their statements can be, it also shows how cold they can be as individuals. There was one particular person in my life (who I no longer speak to) who thought that I could never be attractive or sexy as a real woman, but if there's anything that these past few days have proved, I can be that and a lot more than just a pretty face.

Oh, and to add I'm just vocalizing what other people tell me. I still have a lot of work to do with my look :)

[Kieron Andrew]

Besides, has your friend gone blind?! The first time I went on the forums I thought you were a GG!

I showed my partner Lori's avatar when i read this thread, and she did not click that she was TG, she swears that Lori is GG, and a very beautiful one at that! :D

[Alice Torn]

Yes, PattyV, Over six billion people, almost all playing God, and judging others. We all make judgments every day. But, sometimes the words are arrows and spears. Lorileah, you look like a pretty lady.