Wife/SO/whatever -- tell her --absolutely not.

[Jamsey]

I posted more items in the last few months then I have since I joined. I also have read more of the threads than ever before.
I have a bone to pick.
My wife and I are getting a divorce, we have been for years unfortunately, she is in no hurry and seems to enjoy delaying it.
It wasn't until we agreed to a divorce that I started CDing. I was under the mistaken belief that it was going to happen soon.
Under no condition do I want her to know about Jamsey. I do not think she would be understanding, I do not think she would be accepting. I think she would use it as a weapon. Those of you who have been in a relationship like I am in will understand.

Though the advice may be well meaning, when I see comments like tell your wife, I shudder. There are many good valid reasons why some members do not want the SO to know.

I think you have to have a very trusting relationship to involve your wife/SO. And if that trust isn't there, you may be much better off not telling.

So please take it easy on the advice to involve the SO, please.

Jamsey

[kimdl93]

Id qualify that - if you anticipate or hope to enter into a long term relationship with an SO, then you should tell her. If you're in the waning hours/weeks/months of a failing relationship, then you have to be careful...

If you're married, only you know what your SO's reaction may be, but if its a LTR, the chances are that sooner or later they will find out, and that hiding could be the most destructive thing you could do.

[Tanya83]

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that forces me to hide who I truly am.

[AKAMichelle]

I am one of those people who give the advice of tell your wife. In your case I would not. Divorce is a very ugly event and people having knowledge or secrets over you can tilt everything into an unfair advantage.

[minalost]

I posted more items in the last few months then I have since I joined. I also have read more of the threads than ever before.
I have a bone to pick.
My wife and I are getting a divorce, we have been for years unfortunately, she is in no hurry and seems to enjoy delaying it.
It wasn't until we agreed to a divorce that I started CDing. I was under the mistaken belief that it was going to happen soon.
Under no condition do I want her to know about Jamsey. I do not think she would be understanding, I do not think she would be accepting. I think she would use it as a weapon. Those of you who have been in a relationship like I am in will understand.

Though the advice may be well meaning, when I see comments like tell your wife, I shudder. There are many good valid reasons why some members do not want the SO to know.

I think you have to have a very trusting relationship to involve your wife/SO. And if that trust isn't there, you may be much better off not telling.

So please take it easy on the advice to involve the SO, please.

Jamsey

While I agree with YOUR decision to not tell your wife (not that you need MY approval :)), but for most I think that honesty and communication is better than lies and silence.

I also agree that telling before serious involvement is easier that after you've been married for 10 or 20 years.

And if you can't trust your SO, why/how are you still married to this person?

:hugs:

[suchacutie]

Since you aren't going to engage in a LTR with this woman there is absolutely no need to further rock the boat.

You mentioned that real trust was needed before bringing up the transgenderism that is part of our lives. I might note that real trust is needed for the rest of it too. Somehow they go hand in hand.

just my :2c:

and my best wishes for your future. may everything improve in your life.

tina

[Inna]

Truthfully telling or not telling for most part isn't about the other person even if we sometimes think that. Yes, once again we are being selfish!, but in a good way. I found out that I have this built in truth-o-meter and if I withhold truth for a while safety valve located in our consciousness pops with a steaming stream of vengeance. Yes, there are situations logically calling for silence, but even then, silence is one sided. I don't care how well you keep it from others, you Know the truth and that's where it all begins. Believe me I know I have kept a perfect lie for 40+ years, I am a master of deception! And yet when I could no longer keep it to my self, when I was dying on the inside little bit more each day, I had to tell. I spilled it to my sis and mother. I admit, it was all positive, and I am grateful for their love, but yet it was finally coming to terms with my self. That day was the first day of me, real me, with no walls to hide behind. Call me hypocrite, because I didn't tell my ex-wife and you are right. I don't feel she is a good enough friend to help in the process but then again I might have to result to my own medicine when it comes to the truth.

[NicoleScott]

Most all of would agree that it's better to tell a SO before "I do".
For many of us that didn't, it cost us a divorce from an unaccepting wife.
Already in a marriage, we are the only ones that can know whether we should tell or not, and we often get it wrong. For some, it works out great. For others, trouble.
I don't know why we should take advice from someone who doesn't know squat about us or our relationship with our spouse. I guess it's the idea that "it worked for me, so it will work for you", which, of course, is a fallacy.
In this case, I see nothing to gain and lots to lose by telling. And once you tell, you can't untell.

[sterling12]

You get OPINIONS here! Do not mistake them for something "cast in stone." Our advise is always tempered with what should be a clear understanding that no one is under any obligation to do anything that anybody else advises someone to do!

You, (The Collective you-all) have to decide what's right for each person. If you feel pressure from others giving you advise, I would suggest to anyone...."don't solicit that advise!"

What usually happens around here? A Question, or a Narrative about an incident is originated and then we get A Very Wide Spectrum of Responses. Most of them will not duplicate, and The Originator gets The Benefit from an Old Adage: "Two (Or Many) heads are better than one!" Of course it's also probably a good idea to also remember The Converse Saying, "Too many cooks spoil The Broth."

I'm sure your feeling lots of pressure from your wife, I'm sure your anxious and stressed out. But, don't mistake Advise for "You Have to do This!" Personally, I would never advise someone to take an option about "spilling your guts" to The Wife. That could be a Fatal Decision; it's certainly unique for each person.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Marissa]

"when I see comments like tell your wife, I shudder."

Jamsey, its funny that I get the same reaction when I see a simple comment when it comes to sharing your lifestyle with others..

But as you can see from the responses (especially Joanie's), we either reap the benefits or sorrows of what action we take based upon that ADVICE...

It would be great that each reponse said "yes, tell your SO..but be sure..etc"


I agree that someone should be told at the beginning of a relationship as it turns to serious.. especially before 'i do'. But for those who discovered themselves later in a marriage, then if there is trust..and no other serious negative issues in the marriage, that it would be the right thing to do for both.. and even that is no gaurantee that the marriage will survive..

Being one that went through two unfortunate divorces.. at some point, I realized that 'sharing' had come to an end.. as the relationship was at an end.. btw it wasn't about dressing that cause the divorces.

One ex does know and she even tried to hurt me at the onset of our 'seperation' status by telling my daughters..but it didn't work..it only helped to gain a closeness with my daughers and I. :daydreaming:

Lastly, both did try the delay trick with me.. and it took a few moments for me to realize it was all to benefit themselves.. so I pushed for the quick divorces, even paying my last ex's lawyer since she was in a financial hardship. Her lawyer accepted my money and set the date as early as possible to meet my request (all matters had been agreed on so only judge stamp was missing..).

The first asked for a continuance (sp) since her lawyer quit on her but the judge said "no, this ends today"


Sorry, wasn't trying to make this all about me.. i just wanted you to see that some things are brought on by our own actions or no actions.. even when taking advice from others.. good luck on your future..wish you well..

Hugs,
Marissa

[lacie]

"And if that trust isn't there, you may be much better off not telling."

If that trust isn't there then in my opinion the relationship will ultimately end up failing. Not because of crossdressing but just because. 50% of marriages fail, and not having trust is the root of many problems that cause the failure.

Hopefully Jamsey, if you end up with another women down the road, that trust will be there from the start. Then you can be open with her. I wish you the best.

[charlie]

Hello Jamsey!
I think in your first post you just said that you were married and we all believed you intended to stay that way. If you don't have trust in your wife, then it doesn't matter if she finds out on her own, never finds out, or sees you fully dressed in the living room. Your SO is no longer that significant.

[PretzelGirl]

I think you have to have a very trusting relationship to involve your wife/SO. And if that trust isn't there, you may be much better off not telling.


I am one that thinks that you have to have a trusting relationship to have a marraige. But we all see things differently. In your case, your marraige appears to be over, so I don't blame you for not telling her because there is nothing to gain.

[kimdl93]

Jamesy is in a tough spot - one I've been in. If divorce is pending, EXPECT your cross dressing to be an issue. My ex had actively participated in my CDing from the first days of our marriage w/o complaint...but its a lever that can be used in a divorce. Morality and common decency cannot stand up against such an assault. So, in Jamesy's situation I would TRUST NO ONE, except my lawyer...and I would listen to her every word...no one elses.

For the rest of us...full disclosure before marriage...or soon after if you're a masochist..is the only alternative for a LTR.

[t-girlxsophie]

I have experienced both sides of the coin,And I have to agree It's best to come clean about your CDing,My first marriage ended in a big part due to my deceit,we lasted 10 years but the end was always just one incident away.The feeling of guilt is always there

I vowed if I ever met someone else I would reveal everything about my CDing,and be honest about everything involved,I don't know how I was given this chance to be happy again,but I feel I have grabbed it with both hands and I am a much better person now and treat loved ones in my life with respect and 100% honesty

Of course Jamesy your situation is compounded by your Impending Divorce,that would only worsen your situation,I hope you come out of this stronger and your future becomes all you wish for

:hugs:Sophie x

[Sophie86]

Years ago, I was seeing a pyschologist for a number of issues, one of which was my crossdressing. He got me to see it in a different light, and be more accepting of myself. In fact, I felt so good that I wanted to run home and tell my wife all about it too. His response was (paraphrasing): "Umm. You might want to think twice about that."

All those years I had felt so guilty for keeping the secret, but in his opinion it was my secret to keep. I didn't owe it to her to tell.

I'm sure his opinion was based largely on how I was crossdressing at that time. Then, it was just put on some stuff, get off, and undress. If I had told him that I wanted more from it, I imagine he would have said that I have to talk to my wife about that. But in the private, isolated way that I was doing it, he considered it no one's business but my own.

I wasn't sure that I agreed, but I took his advice. Eventually I did get around to telling her, but it was at a time when she was in a more exploratory mood. She had no problem accepting it then, but I'm not convinced that it would have gone as easily if I had told her at that earlier time.

And she has never reproached me for having kept it a secret.

(None of the above should be construed as advice. It's just a story about my experience with this issue. Your mileage will most certainly vary.)

[jamie2010]

I told my wife finally after being together for 3 years now. She isn't open to the idea at all!! She seems uninterested in me now and lets just say our relationship was struggling before, but now it seems like we are drifting apart more rapidly. I start back to college next week, less time at home, and I feel like we won't make it through the school year. So, was it a good idea to tell her? Should I have hid it like I have for the past 17 years? I would not have told her if I hadn't gotten lazy and got caught. You will eventually, especially when she is like my wife, no job, plenty of time to keep up with you. So I do regret telling her, you ask why, because I believe she will use it against me if we divorce to keep my two children from me. I think the courts would not think CDing would be something the children should be around. Even though I would never CD in front of them. Just my thoughts.

[docrobbysherry]

If u dress ocassionally, maybe u tell her, maybe not.:straightface:

When u KNOW you're a CD/TG/TS, u BETTER tell her! Marriage is tough enuff without trying to keep secrets like THAT!:brolleyes:

[Kate Simmons]

Well meaning advice from others notwithstanding, this has to be a personal decision. You are in the best position to assess your own situation and one "size" never fits all when it comes to this stuff.

[Sarah_GG]

I have a bone to pick.
My wife and I are getting a divorce, we have been for years unfortunately, she is in no hurry and seems to enjoy delaying it.
It wasn't until we agreed to a divorce that I started CDing.

Well. Since you didn't start to crossdress until your marriage was all but over it seems that your crossdressing has absolutely nothing to do with the breakdown of your relationship anyway?

Any serious relationship or partnership that isn't based on truth, trust, honesty, integrity etc isn't going anywhere. I'm sorry that you and your wife broke up, but please don't confuse it's breakdown with your crossdressing.

There are many members of this forum who do have understanding, accepting and participating partners and testify to the benefits of an honest relationship.

When you say you only started crossdressing after you agreed to a divorce, does that mean that until that time you were hiding it? Could it be that the marriage was missing communication which is what hastened its demise?

[kimdl93]

... I think the courts would not think CDing would be something the children should be around. Even though I would never CD in front of them. Just my thoughts.

I have some experience in this. My first wife was an active participant in my CDing. Our marriage fell apart due to other issues, but although she'd always professed that she wouldn't use CDing against me, it came up in the divorce. My attorney asked about it - I answered him honestly - and he didn't allow it to become an issue in the custody decision.

You seem resigned to divorce. How long have you been drifting apart?

[EllieOPKS]

As a general rule of thumb, your gut feeling tells you the truth. If I have a gut feeling something is right, I do it. If it is wrong, I don't. So many talk about trust between a married couple, I don't think this has a thing to do with trust. It is a life style that your mate has never been exposed to on a personal level. If she is not very openminded, what is there to gain by posing an issue that she will have to accept or reject? What is the major gain by telling your wife versus the possible major loss?

[Jamsey]

Thanks for all the replies and view points that are expressed. I really appreciate it. I should follow the rule that when you write something you should wait a while and then re-read it and proof it to see if you want to make any changes. I probably would have re-worded a couple of sentences.
I do beleive that every individual has to evaluate whether they tell their SO based on their relationship. It is never easy and there are a lot of pros and cons either way.
I wasn't trying to make a blanket statement, but was trying to discourage the use of blanket statements. I failed there, will try to be more careful next time.
Like many members, I started crossdressing in my early teens, if what I did can be called that. It was always quick, furtive, and guilt ridden, with a lot of 'what is wrong with me' obsessing afterward. I have a large family and it was quite hard to get alone time. During my 20's and 30's it was deeply supressed, I don't remember one time crossdressing.
During my 40s and early 50s I had a few opportunites to cross dress with my first wife. She had great clothes, we were about the same size, and I just couldn't resist. But again guilt-ridden and not an enjoyable experience.
When we split I acquired a few articles of clothing, which I promptly disposed of when I started dating my present wife.
It wasn't until the 2nd marriage was basically over that I could no longer resist or suppress the CD urge and started to acquire a wardrobe. Nothing from my wife, not my size or style.
Then I found this site, much better than the medical and psychological books and articles about CD, and I was on my way. This site aided my understanding and allowed the CD me to come out. There is no putting her back. If my next relationship, with whomever, the CD will be out in the open from the beginning, I know no other way anymore.
Sorry for the length but I though I had to address some of the issues expressed.
Jamsey.

[Tina B.]

Tell or don't tell, that's a personnel decision, for me trying to build a long term relationship, that I hope will last a life time, I didn't feel I had a choice, keeping the secret was eating me up, and I could no longer hide who or what I am, with out making both of us miserable. So I told her and took my chances, being single would have been better than the way I was feeling, but then I got lucky, I found one that excepted me right off. But in your case, where the marriage is all but over, whats the point of telling her? But I don't understand why she is the one that gets to say it's over, why can't you, then get on with you life. Life is short, time is running out, get out there and find what makes you happy before it's to late.
Tina B.

[Violetgray]

I think that what a lot of people don't understand is that it should always be a woman's choice whether to accept something in her life.

And whether she sees it or not, it IS in her life. Your time and money and energy are going elsewhere steadily for YEARS, so that does have bearing on her. And what you do by keeping it from her is take away her power to choose what she wants for her life.

To the OP, I don't think your situation applies to the whole "To tell or not to tell" debate.

[Nigella]

You get OPINIONS here! Do not mistake them for something "cast in stone." Our advise is always tempered with what should be a clear understanding that no one is under any obligation to do anything that anybody else advises someone to do

Well meaning advice from others notwithstanding, this has to be a personal decision. You are in the best position to assess your own situation and one "size" never fits all when it comes to this stuff.

Two posts that speak volumes.

[catbird]

I have exactly what you are going thru - please let's keep in touch