Are any of you lifetime singles, feel like loners?

[Alice Torn]

I, and all my brothers(in prison), and sister, are in our 60's or 50's, and all single. My father always said to be a loner, because hewas. At 89, he is very jealous of me, and thinks his life has been nothing but misery. I was afraid of being happy around him, because he was so morose, and jealous. I think that is one reason i always sabatoged possible relationships. Today, I dress fairly often, but, it seems to re-inforce the isolation, and lonliness. I recently was forced to move to a small town in the midwest, where i have zero friends, and only my self-pitying "father" here.I have never felt so strong about ending my life, as now. All my friends are near Seattle. I really feel different, and freakish here, and under my tormenting father's control. I pray to God, that he would die soon, and be out of his suffering, and stop torturing me. I am making a will this week. At 56,my father, and hateful redneck brothers have made my life, an emotional, mental living hell! I smile nice for my pics, but that is just for a moment. My family is cursed. I have gotten therapy, groups, meds, Christianity and more, but, some families are horribly cursed.

[Nicole Erin]

You have no kids to wife or even an ex to worry about.
Your life belongs to you.

Alright I am gonna risk an ass chewing but it needs to be said -
If this ond son of a bitch you call a father is making you THIS miserable, why not have him dumped in a nursing home, it is not your job to take care of him.

It is obvious you hate the ol f*****r, so why do you torture yourself? What is he gonna do? kick your ass? I doubt it.

This is not about being able to CD or not. I know it can be tough cause so many states in the USA are infested with rednecks (the scum of the earth)
But what this is about is living your life. At 56, you do not have a whole lot of good years left so you need to do what you have to so that you can make the most of them. Don't suffer that old b*****d that you despise and wish death upon.

I have this neighbor that who sounds similar to your dad, of course he is some retarded redneck, I would not give the guy a glass of piss if he were on fire. I would be the first to his funeral and the last to leave.

You need to go back to where you can call home. If the old F'er rots to death, so be it. It is not your problem. You may regret at first but that will soon pass. Especially when you can live and breathe easier.

[Alice Torn]

Nicole, Your point is understandable. I came back here, in 1997, to help, when my mom broke her thigh, and he was hell, then, so I moved back to the west coast. I moved 11 miles away , but, in a small rednec town, where everyone is married with kids. I will be considered gay, but, i don't give a crap, anymore. Family can be ok, or a lifetime of hekk. Being a loner has some advantages, but, when out alone, with nothing but couples around, that is when it really stings.

[Mikaela]

I'm an introvert and a loner. I've been married. I prefer being single. I have a very small group of close friends that I've had for decades, but are now scattered around the country. I live 2500 miles from my closest relative.

You don't own him jack crap, and jack left town. Just because he was the sperm donor for part of your DNA does not mean he has a right to make your life shit until he dies. If he's not part of the solution of your happiness, he needs to be removed. No, don't kill him, but you can leave and cut the ties since the only thing they do to you is strangle you.

Therapy, group session, meds.. (don't get me started on religion) won't help you if you're still in the negative environment. At best, they'll get you to accept the crap as being normal. It's not.

Sounds like you need to move back to the Emerald City and let the old man wither on his own, or else you'll be in the same position in a couple years, but without a son to crap on.

[michellesworld]

I sometimes feel ya on the lonliness. For me, I can't hold a LTR. My relationships with women last a few weeks, then I turn into Jerry Seinfeld, and start getting buyer's remorse!:tongueout

As for having no friends, I've experienced that before. But I've also discovered that you make friends by sharing common interests. Find something you are passionate about, and share it with your community. Volunteering is another great way to meet people. And even if you don't make friends, at least you get the satisfaction knowing you are making a difference in this world.

[Alice Torn]

My mom is in a nursing home, in this town, though she has severe Alzheimers. I take my cats in there, and share the cats with elderly patients there, that like cats. That always makes me feel ok. I have spent most of my life with much older paople, being the baby of the family, and around old people in the church i was in. At 56, and still single, and having tons of baggage, PLUS cding, my odds for a healthy friendship with a lady, are near nil/ Women are not looking for guys with baggage, or cd. I do hope to go to a singles dance soon, in Rockford Illinois soon, in drab. I guess i just needed to vent, and communicate with some of you, rather than end it all tonight.

[Mikaela]

Venting is good, but taking your own life is something you need to discuss with people who are trained to manage that sort of issue. There is a time and a place for that scenario and one out of despondence is rarely the right course of action.

By your own logic, you are staying there for your mom and those visits, so if you're willing to do something about it that takes you away from that area and responsibilities, try a move first. It's less final.

Everyone has baggage and yet no one is looking for it! :) Every problem can usually be broken down into smaller, manageable components. If you are staying there for your mom, then you need to isolate yourself from your father and do things that can maintain a level of happiness until you move back to a place where you are happier and have friends.

[patricia 402]

OMG! im not in the exactly same situation as you, but i have to for finacial reasons live with my ex. and im with very redneck construction people everyday. i am a truckdriver and haul heavy equipment. and only (not counting my sisters here) 3 people not countig my exs know who i am inside im a total loner. and have been told that. i avoid people at all costs. im afraid of people knowing i want them to know but dont want to deal with the outcome. so i stay to myself wishing i had someone to talk to someone to be with someone to love, it sucks a lot, but what do you do? life goes on i wish you were still in the seattle area ,i could use a freind. keep your chin held high and do the best ya can, like they say one day at a time,(thats what i do) your freind/sister patricia.:battingeyelashes:

[patricia 402]

for what its worth. ive been going thu the depresion feelings/ suicidal feelings for many years. i myself just turned fifty and look at all my shortcomings. and theres a lot of them. and it seems the older i get the worse they get and the worse i feel about myself. but i always have to reach inside and think of some of the good things ive done. sounds corney but its true. like yourself i like helping my elderly neighbors.any little things i can do for them it makes them feel better in return i feel better, no matter how small. i bet you make the folkes feel great when the get to see and hold a kitty. they remember those kind of things. animals are the most wounderful things and i bet u have made somone very happy. just remember your a very good beautiful person inside or you wouldent be here in the first place.
patricia.:)

[Alice Torn]

Thanks for the replies, all of you. Patricia, yes, too bad we could not have met, when I lived in Tacoma. I am moved by your posts. You have a big heart, and deserve some decent friends. Sadly, our society does not look very highly on loner men. The bad actors make it rough for the good loner men and cd's.

[AKAMichelle]

I know what you mean by family cursed. My family put a hex on me years ago. They have made my lfie miserable. The only time I can have fun is when I don't talk or see them. So yes I know.

I live 75 miles away from my parents and that is too close but at least tolerable. Get out and find more friends. Come on everybody. If you live near Louise lets get her out of the hosue.

[aprilgirl]

I’m sorry you are having to deal with all these issues, particularly given the relationship you’ve had with your father. I’m also glad you are reaching out and sharing your thoughts, as nothing good comes from bottling up your emotions. Just please know that the feelings of loneliness you are experiencing happens to us all. So you truly are not alone Louise.

You have received some very thoughtful and caring advice and I know more will be shared. I would start by simply focusing on things that make YOU happy. It may be your friends back home, your cats or your favorite little black dress .

Ultimately you need to find a way to forgive, forget and move on. I did many years ago and while I can’t compare my situation to yours, I do know that’s what helped me. It saved me from expending negative energy while opening myself up to more positive experiences and relationships.

Meanwhile, keep reaching out and sharing.

[sandra-leigh]

I've been a loner in practice but not entirely by choice: I like going out with friends, and enjoy going to live performances... but I nearly always get "overlooked".

You know, like "A bunch of us had a great time camping last weekend; you would have enjoyed it"... and not one person in the group even thought to mention to me that they were thinking of going. That sort of thing.

And that means that unlike some people who have a great time being single because then they get to connect with all kinds of different friends and activities, except for whatever contacts I develop through my CD/TG activities, I would end up mostly staying home alone.

I say, though, "not entirely by choice", in that my long-standing principles and interests tend to leave me fairly far outside the main-stream. I could have taken a life of commercial work, 2 cars, sports, beer, and what-not, and become a typical member of the community, and probably could have met and gotten along "not badly" with many other people that way. I couldn't do it, though, couldn't seem to learn to "go along with the flow". Sandra is much better socialized than "he" is.

[erica12b]

i cant stand being alone , but a closet cd has no close friends and finding a gf has not worked out well its how we are .

[Jannis]

This all sounds somewhat familiar to me. I have always been the one left out of group activities because I had an erratic work schedule (law enforcement) and people were afraid to ask me. My LE coworkers were mostly younger with families and I was the 5th wheel. When I became the top management official, it got very bad. It is lonely at the top. Upon retirement, I moved to a new city, hoping to get away from a lot of unhappiness and start a new life where no one knew me. It is better as I have friends who volunteer with me, but they are not close friends, and certainly do not know about my secret. I have a woman friend but she would not tolerate my CDing judging by comments she makes. I have tried therapy and meds in the past, but not much helped. I am trying to remember the last time I had a good laugh and I don't think I ever really did. So, back to my closet where I find some solace and can be myself.

[Jolene]

Being single sometimes can be a downer, but most of the time I am ok with it. There are advantages to it as well. I can keep myself happy most of the time and I enjoy not having the burden of keeping some else happy.

[Nicole Erin]

Part of the problem with the dating scene after HS and college is that women want too much from single men.

The typical women seeking men ad might look like -
"I am a BBW, single mom with 3 kids, ages 14, 6, and 2. I am looking for a man who is not overweight who has his own place, a car, and a good job. He should be a non smoker and love kids and animals."

So lady, you are fat, can't keep your legs closed, and want some rich good looking guy to support you and your 3 brats? :brolleyes:

I am recently divorced so of course a relationship is the least of my priorities right now.

I say worry not about the whole relationship thing cause really, even the dogs, cows, and trolls among the single women seem to dream of Prince Charming when in reality, they ain't gonna get that.

Now the cream of the crop women want Prince Charming and they can easily get that. You would think the less desirable women would take what they can get but you would be suprised at their standards.

When you are single and have no kids, your life belongs to you. Why would anyone want to give that up? As my mom said - "When you get married, you give up so much for so little".

[ReineD]

Louise, I googled your location and you're what ... an hour, 90 minutes from Chicago?

There must be tons of TG support groups there. A quick search found this:

http://chicagotransgender.net/community-support.html

If you could just get out there and make some friends to do things with ... no matter the gender, I can't help but think you'd begin to feel better about yourself. I'm sure they'd welcome you in guy mode to begin with if you don't feel comfortable going dressed, as long as you explain your situation. And if you can start to see some sunshine in your life, it is bound to reflect positively on others, and maybe you will be able to meet that one special person you seek. :hugs:

[Loni]

loner, lonely. are they both not the same?

i tried he marriage route. some like it...i can live with out it. but a cold bed is not much fun....but a cold beer...is ok for about 5 min. :doh:

i feel for you, having no family that cares is not good. if you must live there do so only as long as you must then move back to were your friends are.

do not do something that will hurt. remember life is hard but short. sleep is forever...and it is not the easy way, nor the answer to any question.

i am a bit of a downer but i do try to enjoy life so please just get out there and have fun.
you say redneck country. have you tried target shooting. i am sure a lot there enjoy this sport. it takes time work and a bit of luck to hit the 1/2 in black circle every time with a bullet only .22 of a in.


.

[Tina P Hose]

Not to be mean but self pity is not a good thing, trust me I know.

[sometimes_miss]

I've spent most of my life alone. I had very few friends as a kid, and that didn't change. At this point, I don't have anyone that I can confide in (other than a couple of women online that are thousands of miles away), so day to day, I'd have to say I'm limited to 'acquaintances' more than actual friends.

[Mikaela]

loner, lonely. are they both not the same?


Nope. You can be a loner because the company of others doesn't fulfill or you or because your activities and personal pursuits enrich your life experience.

I don't need someone next to me at a movie theatre for 2 hours of silence to enjoy the movie. I like being able to get on the motorcycle or the airplane and just fly.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sharing things (my cooking, a flight, etc) with friends, but it is not a requirement. I don't need justification or reinforcement. I have a hard time accepting compliments anyway.

Even people with gaggles of acquaintances and friends can feel lonely. The terms are exclusive.

[Barbara Dugan]

Nope. You can be a loner because the company of others doesn't fulfill or you or because your activities and personal pursuits enrich your life experience.

I don't need someone next to me at a movie theatre for 2 hours of silence to enjoy the movie. I like being able to get on the motorcycle or the airplane and just fly.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sharing things (my cooking, a flight, etc) with friends, but it is not a requirement. I don't need justification or reinforcement. I have a hard time accepting compliments anyway.

Even people with gaggles of acquaintances and friends can feel lonely. The terms are exclusive.



Mikaela is right...I've been single all my life, I have lots of acquaintances and friends and a close and very loving family but the more I am surrounded by them the more lonely I feel. Its something that I've been trying to figure out for a long time:sad:

[giuseppina]

I've remained single and have been completely closed to the idea of a relationship until recently. Some things happened in other family members' and friends' relationships that drove this decision. These are definitely not happy stories :sad: and I'm not willing to post them as they are not mine to tell.

[Alice Torn]

I must say, that i suffer from manic-depressive disorder, as well as codependency, people pleasing, dysfunctional family issues. Plate is full. Reine, I live about 85 miles from Chicago, and have never driven there, in my life. Seattle was bad enough! I have little desire to go to a ckub or bar, mainly because of the noise. I detest loud music! There is a gay club downtown Rockfordm and i went by there during the daytime. Sadly, it is quite a seedy place, and my neighbor's friend, was murdered in the parking lot! I hope to go to the church of God, that i used to attend, even though cding is considered sin, there. The people are wonderful, other than that though, very giving, and kind. I am on cd dating sites, but, so far, every guy wants sex. One guy stood me up, even. Volunteering is something i hope to do more of, as guy. For some of us badly damaged people, have to use every tool available. I hope to attend Alanon group soon, too. Society is a couples based society, and loner men, are the most left out, and vulnerable demographic. "The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Sadly, only the lonely understand.

[ReineD]

Reine, I live about 85 miles from Chicago, and have never driven there, in my life. I have little desire to go to a ckub or bar, mainly because of the noise. I detest loud music!

Louise, these are not bars, nor are they crawling with men wanting sex. lol. My SO belongs to a TG support group that she attended for years. I've been several times with her, and they welcome everyone across the TG spectrum, from beginning CDs to transitioned TSs and their spouses or partners. It's usually held in a rented conference room at a mid-range hotel with a catered dinner, good conversation, a talk about a topic of interest, and games to break the ice with prizes (makeup or jewelry). There are groups of people who do go out for drinks afterwards, but this is optional.

Edited to add there's also a room for people to change into femme and back if they feel uncomfortable traveling there dressed.

Once you find your way to the meeting place the first time, it will be a breeze afterwards. :) Say the meetings are from 6-10 PM. You could leave at 4:30 and be back by 11:30. Consider this a gentle nudge on my part. :hugs:

PS. Al-Anon is a great idea! :)

[Vickie_CDTV]

I must say, that i suffer from manic-depressive disorder, as well as codependency, people pleasing, dysfunctional family issues.

Same here, except I have dysthymia (lifelong moderate-severe depression) instead of manic depression. Being screwed up like that makes me isolate myself from others, even though at the same time I am terribly lonely. (As if being a TV doesn't make it hard enough to find a female partner...) Not surprisingly, the few real relationships with women I have had, were with women who had similar issues I did.

[Olivia2]

Louise,

I'm with Reine on this. You are so close to Chicago there must be several groups there, including the one mentioned that would not involve going to bars. I'd bet that there are even churches there that are moderate enough to include gay, lesbian, and transgender members.

These boards are a great way to vent and to find support from those with common issues but I would think personal contact would be the best option to help your loneliness and isolation.

Now I love this site and members and in discussions like these it's nice to know I'm not the only unmarried middle-aged person here but I certainly need personal contact. I get it from mostly married but some single friends-and hope to meet up with some here as well.

Anyway, don't give up on yourself. As others have said, at least as a single, you have no person to override what decisions you make to hopefully have a more fulfilling life. Good luck and stay in contact with the helpful folks here and please find some near where you live. Al-Anon and other similar support groups can be great places also. You are not alone.

Olivia

[Carissa]

Louise, I really think you have to think about making some changes in your life that will benefit yourself. Since you do have a tie with your mom that can't be severed so easily right now, why not move a little closer to Chicago where you're more likely to meet people that will be more accepting of you, yet still not too far from mom when she needs you?

I don't profess to know all of the intricacies of your situation, but it kinda sounds like your living situation is doing you more harm than it's doing your mom good.

Even if that's not the case, you still have to look out for yourself. If your mom didn't have Alzheimer's and still had all of her faculties, would she want you to make life threatening sacrifices on her behalf? I seriously doubt it.

Take some time to think about things. Think about the things that would really make you happy, and DO THEM. You're single for crying out loud! That kind of freedom is why married men wish they were single!

Your key to happiness is right there for the taking, any time you want. All you have to do is realize that you deserve it.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks Reine, for looking into support groups near Chicago. may well consider attended, sometime, though, Ihave never driven near Chicago. That scares me! I apologize for dumping or venting on you all. I suffer a mood disorder. Tody, i went to the local VA, and got my meds. There were two lovely ladies there, in nice skirts, and tops! I then went and had a good meal, then went to my dad's place, and weed-wacked, for a few hours, and mowed. After that, i went fishing in the dark, at the local creek, caught one little bass, through it back. The extreme humidity is down , and that makes a difference. High humidity, tends to get me irritable. It is good being a loner, much of the time, but, whrn one has a mood disorder, is a deep thinker, around nothing but "normies", and a hard, self-pitying father, and persecuting brothers, and, still a virgin, there are some days, rather than being diamonds, are stones. This is a support group, one of a number of tool for us. I am sure i pissed off some of you. Today was a better day, and i hope to go to an old time farm auction tomorrow.. but not in lady clothes! I'd be tarred and feathered, if dressed there! Thanks for all the good advice, and compassion.One day at a time in a hellish world.

[ReineD]

Louise, not to keep harping at ya, but I've been to Chicago several times. It's not as bad as it seems. You could get a map and study your route ahead of time, or just decide to go in one Saturday to get a feel for the place. If you enjoy art, the Art Institute (http://www.artic.edu/aic/visitor_info/directions.html) is one of my favorite museums in the country. I could spend a week in Chicago and do nothing else. :)

One of the groups included in the link I posted earlier, the Tri-Ess Chi Chapter (http://www.chi-triess.org/) is having their August meeting next Saturday at the Double Tree Hotel in Oak Brook (http://doubletree1.hilton.com/en_US/dt/hotel/CHIOADT-Doubletree-Hotel-Chicago-Oak-Brook-Illinois/index.do). This is outside the downtown core, on the west side of Chicago, which is convenient to your location. Just take 90 East for 50 miles (from Rockford), then 290 South for 10 miles, and you're almost there. There's a map on the hotel web site and you can get directions from Mapquest.

OK, now I promise I won't bug you anymore. :p

[Alice Torn]

Reine, No, Keep me informed. The only problem, is that Saturdays are out. Sundays would be better. Going dressed to one of the museums, should be safe, Only, that at six foot nine in my lowest heels, I get read quick! I will google support groups, in this region. Thank you much, for the advice. I appreciate it.

[PantyBoots]

Part of the problem with the dating scene after HS and college is that women want too much from single men.

The typical women seeking men ad might look like -
"I am a BBW, single mom with 3 kids, ages 14, 6, and 2. I am looking for a man who is not overweight who has his own place, a car, and a good job. He should be a non smoker and love kids and animals."

So lady, you are fat, can't keep your legs closed, and want some rich good looking guy to support you and your 3 brats? :brolleyes:

I am recently divorced so of course a relationship is the least of my priorities right now.

I say worry not about the whole relationship thing cause really, even the dogs, cows, and trolls among the single women seem to dream of Prince Charming when in reality, they ain't gonna get that.

Now the cream of the crop women want Prince Charming and they can easily get that. You would think the less desirable women would take what they can get but you would be suprised at their standards.

When you are single and have no kids, your life belongs to you. Why would anyone want to give that up? As my mom said - "When you get married, you give up so much for so little".

Well, not everyone's marriages are bad. But for the people who have problems, they are the same people who don't want to be alone, and will cater to anything that anyone wants. You can't do that.

And, as for a woman's expectations of who they want you to be, you can't care. Have fun, and if you approach them, do it assertively and qualify them. You aren't there for her approval.

[Alice Torn]

I was way too afraid, or shy od girls as a boy, and did not date, until almost 28, Never had intercourse, or mouth kssing. Always treated dates like fine china. But, I feel old "Kawlija", the wooden Indian, from the old Charley Pride song! He "never had a kiss!". Actually, I had some peck on the cheek kisses. One problem for singles, and us older singles: even married men are looking for a mistress, so, the competition, is fierce, with seemingly seven men, after every female! I am accepting that i will likely be alone, till death. It is those times, at restaurants, fairs, festivals, and other places, full of couples, when it really hurts being a loner.