"Dont ask, Dont tell".. I knew I wouldnt be able to....

[Joanne_'jojo']

I knew I wouldnt be able to keep things quiet for long as soon as I became a member here, so my mind is racing to come to terms with "I want to tell my wife...".
She really is my best friend and I know I have been happier in myself since reading and being a part of this group. I'm now at a place where I'd rather be up front instead of getting caught.

It probably all sounds a lot selfish, but we've never had secrets (OK apart from this) and I've tried for 6 years to make it go away so it didnt have to be my secret anymore, guess we all know where that gets you...

I've done quite a bit of reading on here and other sites and I think have most of the basic questions I think I will face covered. However, I would really appreciate any advice from other girls here or thier SO's about the questions that blind sided you, if there were any.

I know those "Well I didnt expect that question, but here goes.." will probably only help me better understand where she is at with this, and hopefully help us both through this.

Jojo

[paulaN]

all I can say is good luck. It sounds like you have done your homework. The part about how you tried to make it go away for six years might come in handy. good luck again and I'm pullen for ya.

[Maude]

I have been trying to make it go away for fifty years !
And i can hear Dr Phil now: "and how is that working for you ?"
so i give up, maude is here for the duration !

good luck,
maude

[Deanna2]

Hi Joanne

You obviously don't want 'it' to go away and you want to tell your wife. This is probably a road that many of us have travelled without necessarily getting to the right end.

You have to work out why you need to share your 'secret' with her. You say that 'I'd rather be up front instead of getting caught'. That's going to give you peace of mind, but is it going to help her at all? It doesn't strike me as being a very noble reason. What if she says OK, but not while I'm in the house? Then one day she comes home and finds you all done up. A major Oops! And you still haven't really resolved your basic issue.

I think it's back to the drawing board my girl and some re-thinking. Perhaps you should ask yourself 'how well do I know my wife?'

Take care

[Joanne_'jojo']

Deanna,

I do grant you that it doesnt sound very noble, as I said its probably a lot selfish. My biggest wish is that we can both be OK with this, having never done it before I dont know how I'd feel being dressed in front of my wife, I do know how it feels on my own, I can be ME!.
As far as the "getting caught" part, a while ago I decided to put on one of my wifes fine chain gold necklaces, and forgot about it.. it got wrapped around the silver chain I wear.. well my wife noticed and the first thought in her head was who gave it to me, took a lot of back pedalling I can tell you.
We worked it out and all is well. Now how would I explain a bra or panties etc and then there is the "why didnt you tell me.." arguement as well.
Like I said we never had any secrets apart from this one and I've tried to ignore it, make it go away, all that ever does it make me grumpier and horrible to be around and makes my wife unhappy and that isnt why I married her.

If this still sounds really selfish then I agree I should rethink the Why?

Everyone, feel free to comment.
Jojo

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Your reasons may be selfish, but it would be good to present it to her as a positive reason. Something like there's a side of yourself that you want to share with her because you love her and trust her.

That could sound a little scary, so you may want to back into it. I don't know if any of your femme attributes come through en homme (i.e. being sensitive or caring) and if these were something she found attractive. If so, that's a good way to led into things. If you present as something positive, she's more likely to see it that way too.

Since you've hidden it for six years, you're going to have to face the "why didn't you tell me" issue. No way around it. I know I just said to be positive, but you may want to talk about how you realize it's something that society considers different, and consequently you yourself were in a bit of denial. But that you've accepted it now and consequently want to be open about it with her. Better late than never.

You may also want to make the point that your reasons for dressing have nothing to do with her. (I assume) you began dressing long before you met her. You'll still have those urges with or without her. But not telling her has everything to do with her -- you can't live without her and were terrified of losing her. (Be careful, because this does imply a lack of trust in her.)

[Deanna2]

Hi Jojo

I don't envy you. I haven't told my wife straight out, but I think she 'knows'. I wear a certain amount of femme gear while she is around and she takes me shopping for femme gear (for her) and she knows that I enjoy it. I have never been completely dressed up with her and I'm not sure she would approve immediately, although hopefully she would come to accept it in the fullness of time.

I really can't see it as an issue that a guy could say to his wife/ partner 'hey sit down (term of endearment) and listen to what I have to say'. There are just too many things to say in the first sentence and it can't be done.

I don't know?

[Natalie x]

JoJo, I can't say that I think your motives are selfish, when you are trying to prevent a situation happening that could cause you both pain and maybe damage your relationship. If your wife found out by any other means, it could be disasterous, so your motives are fine, IMHO. Good luck with it.

[Marla GG]

Jojo,

Everything I have to say on the subject is in this post: How to Tell Your Partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841) . I hope you find something in it that will make this a little easier. :hugs:

[Kimberly]

Good luck... and well done at even deciding to do this.

When coming out to loved ones I've sat and thought long and hard about whether to say anything and what to say. Best of luck, hun, I hope you guys will be alright.

[LaceLuvr's GG]

There's definately something in my heart that makes me feel sorry for you.. as I do for all the CDers that feel that they are unable to tell their SO's. After six years it must be very hard.. and I have to agree that the first thing out of my mouth, if I found out after 6 years would be "why didn't you tell me". You've had lots of good advice here... but I just like to say that you've brought the point up several times about not having any secrets from one another. That's a very big secret that you have from her. I've said it before.. and I'll say it again... this should come down to "unconditional love"... I know it doesn't always work that way.. but that's how it should be looked at.

I've heard some great advice on other posts about how to get her opinion without coming straight out and telling her. Definately read Marla's post.. it's very good. Try mentioning little hints with her.. like... "I know this person that told me that she knows someone that is a CDer...." find out what her thoughts are on something like that... it's a great indicator.

It's very hard for me to give advice about stuff like this because I've never had a problem with my SO's CDing... but I really think a good marriage is built on trust and honesty.

Good Luck

[Billijo49504]

It don't go away, it's part of you. Granted the truth from the beginning is best. I would suggest reading MarlaGG's ideas, she speaks female, w/ much compation for us. If your wife is some what interested, ask her to help you with your makeup. Make her part of the fun. Also shopping together is another fun thing to do together. Just make sure you pay for her purchases. And good luck.

[StephanieCD]

My advice... write it all out ahead of time. Put it in your pocket, having put it into clear words. Then, do you best to tell her in your own way. Having spelled it out ahead of time saved you from the "uh uh uh" syndrome AND if the poop hits the fan you can say "could you read this then".

My best advice - you seem to have the right idea.

[Carlacd]

The very best of luck too you. Hope it works out the way you want it too. Either way make sure you hug your wife to give her reassurance.