Did you transition alone?

[Ze]

Did you or have you been transitioning alone? Without anyone in your corner? No significant other, no children, no family, no friends, no allies, no support groups, nobody? (I mean this in the sense of "real life" people, not people online.) If you did or didn't, would you change that if you had the chance? For those that haven't started transitioning yet but plan to, what are you thoughts on going through it alone or with somebody supporting you?

Please don't sugarcoat it for me just because I don't have anyone. I just want real, honest answers from you all.

[Bree-asaurus]

I'm beginning my transition with support from everyone I've told (good friends and friends that are closer than family). My family isn't part of this, but that's my choice. I don't know if I could do it without the support of others... it's hard enough with their support.

Have you not reached out to anyone regarding your transition? Or have you only gotten negative responses?

[Frances]

Pretty much. Transition was the end of my relationship. The one friend who supported me was heavily addicted to pain medication and our friendship became too difficult. I eventually found a support group and made some trans friends, but I was close to full-time at that point. My old friends stopped communicating, my family did not start communicating upon hearing of my transition, and my ex stopped answering my messages as you know. Even the new friendships have been fleeting.

It feels like I went through it alone. Two years into my transition (one year full-time), I wish I could say that I have rebuilt a social life or a support system, but I still stare at the phone for days on end wishing it would ring.


I don't know if I could do it without the support of others... it's hard enough with their support.

That's interesting.

[Ze]

Have you not reached out to anyone regarding your transition? Or have you only gotten negative responses?

Short answer is I've been rejected by everyone and everything. I have a select few family members that more or less seem to tolerate me, but they've recently started siding with the family members that don't like what I'm doing. Hence, I'll be going through this alone. The ones that tolerate(d) me I only see once or twice a year anyway.

[Teri Jean]

Ze, I have had so much help starting with my daughters and a few from this forum. One girl here, Pam A, has been a godsend as we are not only friends here but are in the same therapy group and book club. If you asked her I would have to agree we lean on the other from time to time and that is what friends do. Some of my co-workers have been really fabulous also. So the answer is yes I have had help and would not change a thing.

Teri

[CharleneT]

I have had both rejection and acceptance. I am definitely not alone though. I do have support from friends as well as others in transition - here in town as well as near by towns/states. I have some new friends, essentially because of transition ( but not TG folks).

Some friends and family rejected me right off, others after a while. But I would say that most have kept up friendship at least. I try and remember not to talk about transition all the time. As important to us as it may be, to others it is just part of your story; they do not want you to be a one dimensional person. It took some missteps for me to see the true need for that caution.

The more I relax, the easier it is for F&F, especially those who are unsure or who have backed off a ways.

[Melody Moore]

'Am I transitioning alone?'

PARTNER
Yes! I ended my last relationship over 4 months ago - I have noone else in my life & not particularly bothered if
I do, in fact I think I would rather be single right now rather than have more pressure & stress by being in a relationship.

FAMILY
Yes! being the eldest child in my family, I have always been the black sheep, so being alone when it comes to family is nothing new to me.

My parents, especially my mother, I have always loved the most & uncondtionally, but I have come to realise that she has been an outright ignorant
bitch most of my life towards me & has hurt me the most because she would never listen to me & still wont. She proved that here a couple of days ago.

My father who I have always seen as a monster & a pig of a man I really don't give a 2 shits about. I am what
matters here now, not him or my mother. So my father was dead in my heart many years ago & sadly I won't
miss him when he goes because he has never been there for me. My mother is now nearing that same point.

I told my sister just a few days ago, but I have never really been close to her because she was always a little bitch who could never do know wrong in my parents eyes, she sucks up to my mother all the time & it's very sickening for me to watch. My sister who my parents always called 'Princess' has always been spoilt rotten & fed with a silver spoon has never had to struggle once in her life. And when I told her that I was transitioning and that I had issues all my life, her response was 'First I have ever heard about it?' then I told her 'Well, its true'. Her cold hearted & very callous response to that was 'And?' like she should really care. I have had no understanding or support really right throughout my life from my family - mind you I have never asked for it either. And after all the 'put downs' & abuse I always seem to get I would rather do things now on my own.

KIDS
Yes! I have 3 kids to 2 different mothers, the eldest daughter (who I had to a young & naive mother who took off
with her when she was a baby) knows but she is a bit angry because she only started to get to know me last year over the
internet & phone as her father & now I'm transitioning, but I think that she will come around in good time.

My other 2 kids (aged 17 & 20) have been turned against me by their mother about 7 years ago dont know & I am not going to bother telling them either. They will find out in due course no doubt, but I dont really care what they think because they only time they contact me is when they want something. My 20 year old son who came to live with me last year caused me lots of problems, including getting me into lots of debt which forced me to move out of my 3 bedroom home. So 'if' or I should say 'when' they ask me "Why didnt you tell me?" you know what my answer will be don't you? LOL

I would like to have family beside me, but I don't have any family who are supportive
at all & not that I really care. I value my friends more now than I do my own family. :gh:

BEST FRIENDS
No! All my best friends have been really accepting & respectful, a few of them seem to be very supportive, but it's still early days, so time will tell.

NETWORKS & ALLIES
No! Since starting my transition I have made new allies or friends through transgender support networks. I dont think
anyone can really transition without the support of a transgender network because there is far too many things as you
know that you need help with. I now have some really good friends or allies who are also transsexual that live locally.

Overall I say I am transitioning alone because I dont have any family there whatsoever. But doing things
on my own is something I am quite use to by now. I have traditionally been a giver and not a taker, but
I have been reassured a fair bit lately its OK to ask for help. Hence the reason I am here on this forum.

I really do love all you guys & gals, so I now consider you all to be my 'adopted family'. :gh:

[Veronica_Jean]

Ze,

My wife passed away in 2005 and over a 10 month period after that so did all the people on her side of the family that I cared about, and cared about me. We lost 4 from March 2005 to Jan 2006. My wife knew, and was not supportive. This led to some years of fighting, separation, then getting together trying to find a way to make it work. Then her health declined and we rode that out until the end. One of my greatest guilt's was feeling like she died so I could transition.

I have only one sibling, a sister 6 years my senior. We have never gotten along despite anything. Both my parents were older when I was born and they along with my family have passed away nearly a decade ago.

I have three daughters , all girls, ages 30, 24, and 17. They all know and all learned over the years each about when they reached 12 or 13. They have been accepting and supportive all along.

I helped to start a local support group, and then faded in and out over the last 20+ years. I started going more regularly once I started transition. Some of the original members are still going even though they transitioned a long time ago now.


At the time my wife passed, we were in a custody battle for my youngest daughter since she is my great niece, not biologically mine. At that point, I was living alone, and had no one to turn to for anything. I was being the strong one for the rest of the family, if you can call walking around in a fog being strong.

Once I began therapy, due to the kind of work I do, I had to tell the company. Between my immediate supervisor, and HR lady, I got a lot of support. Sometimes it seemed they were not being very supportive, but it was just communication by email rather than by phone or in person.

Even through my therapist, all the hard things to work through were all on me with no one to really lean on for support or help. I went slow and tried the best I could to know that I was being brutally honest, and not just fooling myself to believe I was on the right track.

At this point I am over a year on HRT, and two months RLE. My work quickly settled back into "business as usual", the customer loves me and my work and continues to put me out front of important potential customers and decision makers. My life is slowly falling into place in ways I never thought possible. I still have my bad days, but overall it is excellent.

At this point I would not know how to change anything. I am happy with my outcome and don't miss anyone, so outside my daughters and grandchildren( I have 3) who are a very huge part of my life I could care less about others. If I could change anything it would be the loss of my wife. But that was out of my hands. A lesson I learned with horrible clarity March 13 2005.

I hope in some way this helps you with your struggle.

Veronica

[Bree-asaurus]

That's interesting.

How so? It was seeing a therapist that kept me from killing myself. It was a local support group that showed me that there are other people like me that can be themselves down here in Texas. My friends that I can talk to when I'm having a really bad day. My "family" that even though it's been hard for them to deal with, knowing that they still love me even though they think I'm crazy. Even if my friends or family didn't support me, I still have support.

If I had no one, no family or friends, no support group, no therapist, not even the words of people on this site... I would be dead already.

[Danni Bear]

ZE,

This will be one of if not the hardest things you will ever do. Without someone even if only online, you will suffer. The doubts and depression that will slip on you at unsuspecting times need outlets that only telling can help.
You have an amazing support group here, talk to any and all,the journey you have undertaken is one that will pit you against yourself at times. All of us here will help in whatever way we can to ease your path to becoming who you are, a beautiful person.

May good fortune and love fall on YOU always

Danni Beard

[Melody Moore]

ZE,

This will be one of if not the hardest things you will ever do. Without someone even if only online, you will suffer. The doubts and depression that will slip on you at unsuspecting times need outlets that only telling can help.
You have an amazing support group here, talk to any and all,the journey you have undertaken is one that will pit you against yourself at times. All of us here will help in whatever way we can to ease your path to becoming who you are, a beautiful person.

May good fortune and love fall on YOU always

Danni Beard

I agree with everything you said, my coming out was the hardest thing I have ever had
to do, but I realise now that I am stronger than anyone who ever tries to put shit on me.

My homophobic/transphobic house-mate is just really starting to find this out. He has got right in my face
a number of times because it is not me he fears, but rather himself (closet bisexual). But I am strong, for
I am a woman, I walk tall & proud and with the biggest smile on my face. They can try and beat me down,
but noone can beat this. Any time anyone puts shit on me, I just laugh & smile right back in their face.

We are a very special brethren & one that is dedicated to staying true to yourself. Those friends you say you've lost were never your true friends because
they couldn't respect this about you. The family that claims to love you, they don't really love you, the only care about themselves. If they did really
care they should be there with you right now. I know something about how you're feeling, and it took me a long time to finally work this out & accept it.

This is why I say Ze, we are now your best friends & your real family, noone here will ever judge you & put you down & will love you unconditionally.
So please take some of my strength and use as much of it as you want for yourself. I am sure that noone else here will mind you doing the same.

Hugs Mel Xx

[Sharon]

Physically, I was almost always alone, but I had the support, love and occasional shoulder-to-lean-on of a couple family members and a few long distance friends who I actually met on this forum. One dear friend, who lived several states away at the time, was transitioning at the same time I was and she was a constant source of love and support by way of the daily telephone conversations we had. But on my day to day existence, it was whatever internal strength I could muster that got me out the door and into assorted environments.

I wouldn't change a thing for the simple reason that it worked for me.

[sandra-leigh]

I wish I could say that I have rebuilt a social life or a support system, but I still stare at the phone for days on end wishing it would ring.

My mother calls sometimes; my sister calls sometimes; one friend from Back Home calls 2 or 3 times a year. You know the saying, "If it weren't for the bill collectors, I wouldn't get any calls at all" ?

It's been this way for a long long time for me. I started noticing the situation when I was 20... decades before I knew I was a cross-dresser.

[Frances]

How so? It was seeing a therapist that kept me from killing myself. It was a local support group that showed me that there are other people like me that can be themselves down here in Texas. My friends that I can talk to when I'm having a really bad day. My "family" that even though it's been hard for them to deal with, knowing that they still love me even though they think I'm crazy. Even if my friends or family didn't support me, I still have support.

If I had no one, no family or friends, no support group, no therapist, not even the words of people on this site... I would be dead already.


I misunderstood your statement. I thought you were saying that their support was not always helpful, instead of even though you had their support, transition was still hard.


My mother calls sometimes; my sister calls sometimes; one friend from Back Home calls 2 or 3 times a year. You know the saying, "If it weren't for the bill collectors, I wouldn't get any calls at all" ?

It's been this way for a long long time for me. I started noticing the situation when I was 20... decades before I knew I was a cross-dresser.

I am an orphan and I do not have siblings. The phone stropped ringing when I came out. People seemed to like me before. It will take a while to find a whole new set of folks that like the new me. It has been getting better recently.

[Melissa A.]

My 2nd marriage ended a couple of years before I stopped fighting myself and began seeing a therapist. At the time, I had been living in upstate NY for many years. My longest-term friends were also friends with my brother and his family, and have always tended to be closer to him. I told a couple of them before I moved to NYC(where I grew up, many years ago) and the one I have always considered a good friend has pretty much stopped answering when I call, although he verbalized his support before I left, 14 months ago. I have pretty much started over in the friend department, and have found that there is a stark difference between aquaintances and true friends. Even in the LGB(minus the T) community, I have found there are some who are truly supportive and concerned for those like myself, and many more who fake it, or just tolerate. I have managed to cultivate a small group of friends, a couple who I am very close with, who also happen (surprise, surprise!) to be trans as well. I met my closest friend online 3 years ago. She is my sister and best friend, and we've had eachother durring the tough times. we've lived in close proximity for the past year, and are becoming roomates at the end of this month. It would take too long to recount the horror show that her family life was growing up, suffice to say that it reinforces to me how lucky I am to to have the family I do. To a person, they have been kind, supportive and loving. I do not add this to say, "hey look at me and how fortunate I am", but to stress how fortunate I do feel. Many of my closer friends and aquaintances, both gay and trans, have had struggles that bring tears to my eyes. My best friend Steph has been welcomed unconditionally by my family and I can't begin to say how gratified I am about this.

So I have a couple of close friends, although Stephanie has a girlfriend now, so there are still times when I feel pretty alone. Finding a romantic relationship(with a man-dang, there are times when I do wish I were a lesbian! But I am not) has proved very elusive. Overall, I feel like one of the fortunate ones and my heart does go out to those of you who have had real, serious struggles with family, friends, romance, and keeping and finding work. My circumstances have not been really horrible, and I still find all of this hard at times. Best of luck and strength to all. My facebook username, and very soon legal name, is Melissa Claire Keiper and my door is always open.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

P.S. As I mentioned, I moved back to my hometown after decades away. Re-connecting with those I grew up with has proved to be surprisingly and amazingly positive. Basically, none of the people I shared my childhood with minds that I'm a woman.