Need some help

[Danni Bear]

Everybody I need some help on this.

I was out shopping and seen a C.D. that I know as a man. He hasn't ever made mention about this to anyone to my knowledge. How can I approach him/her without scaring her to death. She was acting very apprehensive when I saw her. This is bothering me in that I would love to tell her everything is allright and try to help her. Any ideas on how to proceed?

Danni

[Steph.TS]

I'm a shy person myself, If I were in her shoes, I would be terrified to see someone I know while out (I whish I had the guts to be out though) I could be wrong but I think the best way would be when she's not out dressed, and you ease into a non confrontational discussion, and make it absolutely clear you are ok with it, if it were me I'd think that I could open up, but I've never been in that situation so I could be totaly wrong...

[AKAMichelle]

She is already having a heartattack. So just tell her that you are ok with it and explain that you are there to help

[Marissa]

Going out on a limb but I would make an 'excuse' to get close and say 'hi'.. and if you believe it to be true that she is a cd.. then just talk bs and if the need..'whisper' a reassurance.. and go from there.. even adding "when i dress..."

Hugs,
Marissa

[Danni Bear]

Marissa , I know she is cd. He lives a couple of blocks from me and my grandson is friends with her/his son. That is where a lot of my anxiety comes from approaching him.

Danni

[Stephenie S]

Gee wizz, we get this all the time. Stay away!

This person is freaked enough. Nobody needs or wants to hear you say, "Oh, hi. I noticed that you are a crossdresser. So am I."

If you get the opportunity, it's always fine to smile and say "Hi, I like your skirt", or some other compliment, but that's it! Keep moving. Smiles are always OK, but letting someone know that you "read" them is very impolite.

Imagine being this person. You already told us that he/she looked very nervous. Do you really want to add to that discomfort? Would you want to be publicly outed?

And just suppose you were wrong, and it turned out to be a very masculine looking woman who just LOOKS like your friend? What then?

Stephie

[Tina B.]

Let me be clear about this, if I ever decide to venture out in public, and anyone on here sees me, and figures out it's a guy in a dress, please just keep on walking, and don't take notice. It's bad enough trying to pass, who needs to be told they don't. Unless you meet at Triess, or somewhere like that, most of us really do not want to be approached. I know you mean well, but I don't believe you should offer help, or support, unless it's asked for, or somebody's bleeding.
It's the thought of being approached that keep some of us in the closet.
Tina B.

[Danni Bear]

Maybe I didn't put it the right way. I would never publically out anyone. My question was how to approach him in private and to let him know he isn't alone. This is someone I am aquainted with. He is somewhat new to our town and doesn't know about me or my husband.

Danni

[Stephanie Miller]

I know what you’re trying to say Tina, but can I approach this from a different direction and see what others think? I try and present well. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I don’t. But inside I know that there is always that possibility that I wont. And I also know there is a possibility that someone I know will see me. After all – we’re in a dress not a cloaking device.
Here is where I think Danni has a chance to “strike”. Even when I am made out to be a male BUT the people take it in stride and treat me as though it was an everyday occurrence – we have our short nice dialogue and then go our own ways – it makes me feel good inside. Not worse for the experience. It is the bad experiences that always leave a mark. I think CD’s need more good marks. By avoiding bringing up the occasion in a good way, she’s missing an opportunity. Since she didn’t have the chance to walk up and say something nice as an ice breaker at the time, maybe if the time ever comes when your walking the block and pass by (when you’re both alone) mention that you saw “her” and thought the outfit was lovely. And the two of you GIRLS should go out for coffee or something? That way there is no threat, only a nice atmosphere that all is O.K.

[sterling12]

OK, you understand The First Rule. If you see A Sista' in Public.....DON'T! Leave them alone, they have more than enough on The Plate, and they don't need to be "Read," nor Outed.

But, you said contact privately. A couple of suggestions Danni...Do you belong to a Support Group? Perhaps you can "discreetly" mail her a letter with The Info. Same thing, if you make contact as an individual. "Discreet and slow steps done very gently." You don't know this person's State of Mind, and maybe The Last Thing she wants is contact.

Maybe you can do it with an E-Mail? I know you have a Good heart, and your trying to help this person, but small steps, with a lot of "Bail-out Positions" seems like the Best Strategy.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Danni Bear]

Sterling,

Yes I do belong to a support group. We have get togethers in my church fairly regularly. I will take it very slow with this sister as I do know a little of her background and family. It gets hard to not want to tell someone at times that they aren't alone.

Danni

[Leslie Langford]

From the way you're describing this sighting, I think that the tried-and-true Ann Landers advice of "M.Y.O.B." would best be applied here.

[Tina B.]

I know what you’re trying to say Tina, but can I approach this from a different direction and see what others think? I try and present well. Sometimes I pass, sometimes I don’t. But inside I know that there is always that possibility that I wont. And I also know there is a possibility that someone I know will see me. After all – we’re in a dress not a cloaking device.
Here is where I think Danni has a chance to “strike”. Even when I am made out to be a male BUT the people take it in stride and treat me as though it was an everyday occurrence – we have our short nice dialogue and then go our own ways – it makes me feel good inside. Not worse for the experience. It is the bad experiences that always leave a mark. I think CD’s need more good marks. By avoiding bringing up the occasion in a good way, she’s missing an opportunity. Since she didn't’t have the chance to walk up and say something nice as an ice breaker at the time, maybe if the time ever comes when your walking the block and pass by (when you’re both alone) mention that you saw “her” and thought the outfit was lovely. And the two of you GIRLS should go out for coffee or something? That way there is no threat, only a nice atmosphere that all is O.K.

Well I'm just trying to give you the other possibility, someone knows about me, that I may not wanted to know, they know my kid, what if something slips out, I am no longer in control of the situation, does anybody know a good real estate agent.
I'm just saying, you have no way of knowing how this person will react, and how paranoid she may be. If you approach someone even with the best of intentions, that may not be how they will take it, or how they will react.
I know those of you that have been out for a while may think it's silly, but for the closet dresser, or the new to the street girls, it can be a very scary world out there, and she might have thought since she was new to town she wouldn't see anyone that she knew, besides people keep saying with wig and make up you most likely would never be recognized. But then I could be wrong, I don't know her, I'm just saying, it's a crap shoot.
Tina B.

[victoriamwilliams1]

I say take it slow and if she is not aware of your status I would take it even slower in doing a self reveal. Unless She/He is part of this group:)

[Danni Bear]

Victoria,

I am so out in my town that it's funny.
I've lived here since I was 14 and I've been female all but 4 yrs of that. If you want check out my post in writers forum (a long time ago) . It details a little of mine and my husbands life.

Danni

[victoriamwilliams1]

Hi Danni,

I will check that out:)

[Freddy12]

Perhaps some discussion on how unfortunate it is that men are not free to rxpress themselves by wearing pretty clothes would open the door a bit. If you start the discussion it might not be threatening. Just a thought.

[DonnaT]

Pass him a folded note stating, "here, this is my favorite place (here) online."

[NathalieX66]

Some of us ladies out here have business cards with our femme names , plus the organization we belong to if that is the case. I have only handed out mine only twice in a public situation though It'll be more regularly now. I've only had mine for three months.
you can go to staples.com and order them online and pick them up at your local Staples here in the US.

If the interaction doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[Rachel05]

It's funny but if I was out and dressed (never been brave enough yet!) and someone spoke to me that I knew I would freak and then some, goodness me I wouldn't know what to do, but I think if someone approached me when I was in drab and let me know that they were a fellow CD then I think that would be okay for me - I think!!! because I wouldn't be worried about another CDer knowing I was if I knew they were, if that makes and sense at all!!