have you integrated your 'selves' yet?

[Jay Cee]

I tend to view my femme self as an almost entirely different entity. I'm sure that this has a lot to do with guilt, denial, and whatnot. I'm pretty sure that this is also what has kept me from getting everything I need to do a full out femme look.

I don't really have any excuse on the home front - my gf is totally supportive. She does have some concerns about my being a TS instead of a CD, and to be totally truthful, I have no idea how far I will go.

Have you integrated your identities? If so, do you have any tips on how to go about it?

Thanks

Jessie

[NathalieX66]

:)I am me 100% all the time.
You like what you like...you go with it....life goes on. :)

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm just thinking as I write, so this could mean nothing. I may have been fully integrated all my life, but building walls out of fear. I've always been a "nurturing" parent and supportive of friends. Crying has always been much too easy and at times the girl stuff has been soooo much more important than the guy stuff. Despite all that, I've built walls to keep much of that from people who I fear would take it the wrong way. Family who would isolate me, co-workers who would have caused problems in my career, friends who may have seen it a problem and ended relationships that had been foundations for my life.

The process recently has been taking these walls down and letting the whole personality show. And it's a slow process, but moving along anyway.

[Chloe Renee]

I for a long time was trying to make two lives coexist. The last few years I have found it increasingly harder to separate them. Integration has been easier than i expected. I think the hardest part was admitting that I was ts. On some level it was becoming, integrate or go crazy.

I recommend going slowly, especially with a SO involved. My wife has been supportive but still has reservations as we are going forward. The hardest person to come out to has been myself.
You might wish to contact a local support group, or LGBT center. They may have free counseling.

[AllieSF]

I am pretty much myself in male or female mode. When en femme, I try to be more patient, drive slower, with some success, and act more demure as a woman would. I do seem to be a little more extroverted when en femme and will target someone to go talk with about anything. For the time being, I have no identity issues.

[Lexine]

Like you I consider my girl self to be a separate person - but it's not because I'm ashamed of her. It's because I wanted to ensure everybody that I'm still me and, while my girl me is in fact me, the boy me still exists as I have no intention to do HRT or GRS. I'm basically being mindful of other people's comfort levels.

One way I integrated her into my life is by creating her own online identities. I think that it helps people think that while the girl mode is me, it is an entirely different facet of my personality... at least thats how I see it. I also have to take the initiative to reintroduce myself to people if I've met them at least in one of my modes and explain to them what's happening. The explanation should be factual, but not too detailed. Basically, just enough information so that they can empathize with my situation.

Bottom line, be honest with people, be mindful of how they understand the situation (read: explain to them your situation as if you're attempting to explain it to an alien from another planet), set up a separate online identity, and take care of the people who accept you regardless of the situation. Those are the ones worth keeping.

Hope this helps!

[suzy1]

I am two people, Suzy and the other me.
But I have never suffered any guilt or denial. I enjoy two lives instead of just one. How good is that!” Two for the price of one”
So why integrate? Am I missing something?
I’m not that bright.

Have fun, SUZY

[Danni Bear]

JC,
I don't know that I've integrated two halves into one. I have always just been female, not physically when younger but now yes. So I guess integrating into a whole person with two halves is part of your happiness, and works for you. Then that is a perfect setting.

love
Danni

[kimdl93]

I'm myself all the time - there isn't a different person present when I'm dressed. That being said, I can't be sure about 5 years from now - perhaps I'll be dressing more or less, perhaps finally be comfortable going out in public. Having a supportive SO helps - I know she'll be there with me either way.

[Gerrijerry]

I have always been only one person. more sensitive etc. I only kept my male look for the family (kids while they were young). Fear, job, the usually reasons many have. But while in female mode over the years I did apear more and more female. Seems that does happen over time no matter what you think. Then it changes your male look to feminine over time also. One day you just look in the mirror or someone tells you when you are out dressed as a male. Miss may I help you. That is when it is too late to hide anymore. Take it from me I am telling the truth those that love you and are real friends will not stop being there for you.

[AKAMichelle]

integration is an ongoing process. I have made it about half way so far but I am still working on bringing Michelle and my male self into one.

[stefanie]

i think we all have different journeys and acceptance points of ourselves....we are learning.

I have found the more i have become comfortable with myself as a person, i was seeing my physical, emotional and what seemed to be an effort of trying to keep separate identities really became more like one.....i have found the best of 'both' sides so to speak and have come to really cherish it.

so for me, it was more about just learning about me, becoming comfortable in my own skin and then going with the flow....getting out, meeting people, enjoying the freedom of just being a girl.

perhaps worry less about whether integrated or not and just learn about yourself however you might want to go about it.

[Tracy X Cruz]

For me... I find I have to kinda fight integration.

All my life I have tried to live up to expectations and social norms... but starting with moving out and going to college I started realizing I had more freedom then that. And since then I have been breaking those walls and doing/acting the way I felt was most natural and right which has lead me to the point I am in now... and this is where I am finally splitting things... not because I want to but because I feel even if my Girlfriend/SO understands, even if my friends understand... I can not go to work dressed. Certain specific parts of my life need me to stay drab old Ralph Cruz, that isn't stopping me from doing small things like shaving my legs and arms and such. But I am finding more of a need to separate my life now rather then jeopardize my income.

I will say I am integrated mentally, I am a girl inside... and have been for a long long time even my Girlfriend said to me when we talked about all this "It doesn't surprise me at all, I mean the first thing I figured out when I started dating you was that you were more like a girl then a boy, and once I accepted that you made a lot more sense to me."

So end result... be your self! at least on the inside, figure that out and let the outside match where ever you feel comfortable doing so. And as your bravery goes up you will be able to express your self more and more on the outside with confidence!

[ReineD]

I'm very much wanting to follow this thread, but I'm having difficulty with knowing what integration means. It seems to be different for everyone depending on their gender ID and where they are along the continuum to self-acceptance.

Some examples:

For a TS it may mean getting rid of the idea that the femme self is separate, and coming to embrace her as the TS's core while eliminating any false male masks.

For a CD whose male self has had difficulty accepting the CDing, it may mean acceptance that he sometimes has urges to be femme and not feeling as if he is a freak for expressing her.

For other CDs who've felt the need to put on a huge male mask in order to hide the inner femme, it may be that they haven't given themselves permission to experience certain emotions in male mode, so integration might simply mean allowing themselves to cry when they're sad, or enjoy a chick flick, etc, even in male mode.

For other CDs who are dual-gender or have more a propensity to be androgynous, it may mean combining all aspects of their male/female psyches into one and presenting this at all times.

Jcameron, which one are you? What are your goals and what is it you would like to achieve with integration? :)

[Jessica Who]

Yes, I have and trust me it feels so much better. It probably varies from person to person, but the way I have been able to achieve it is by putting my guy and gal clothes together in my closet and dresser as a start.

In addition, I had to do some soul searching as well as some form of trial and error. It can be a difficult process, I actually wrote an article last year about merging my male and female sides to form one person, you can read it here if you wish -> http://www.jessica-who.com/2009/04/i-think-therefore-i-crossdress_28/

Also, other little things like keeping my eyebrows shaped no matter if I am crossdressing or not have helped, but I think the large portion of it is mental. I wish you all the best :hugs:

[randumbness]

There are different ways to "integrate." I agree with Reine D, because "integration" is different with everybody. I feel I am not one that integrates, and it's not because of humiliation or a mask. I believe I have two different genders, and when I portray them, I portray each one. So when I'm Tina, I'm Tina. She may be a lesbian, but she portrays female energy. When I'm Marc, I portray male energy. So it's different for everyone. Try going full out, and see what happens. You won't know until you try.

[LitaKelley]

Does wearing stockings and lingerie to bed without makeup and wig count as integrating? I do that often.. Sometimes when I can't dress, I wear these under my regular clothes so, technically I'm both at the same time...

[Charleen]

I'm me and TG. One for all and all for one. At this point I only dress male for work 'cause that's who they expect to show up. No problem, I'm still me as I still have my nails long and polished, wear earrings, 6 finger rings, mascara, and my hair long as well.

[tricia_uktv]

I used to thing I could and tried to integrate bith sides. I know feel this is impossible. My femme side is far more outgoing, has totally different principals and is far nmore egocentric than my male dide.

So the only wat to trully integrate is to be 24 * 7 femme.

I'm working on it :)

[Kaz]

Following up on Reine's post, i am not sure that we all have the same view of "integration"?

I am not out of the closet and a lot of my life is just this guy I've been forever, and I wouldn't want it any other way. He has some good friends, a loving family, a career and all that. But Kaz has become so much more important a part of my life, especially over the last ten years or so when I finally accepted she was not going to go away. So am I two different people?

I think not... I can feel like Kaz even when in boy mode, and often do... especially when I go though periods of not being able to dress as Kaz. A while ago I stayed away from home for a few days at a time, and rented an apartment rather than a hotel. On each occasion I lived as Kaz except when going to work, when I "crossdressed" to a male outfit, which I ditched the minute I got back the flat!

So maybe I am just me... I show different colours to suit the situation... chameleon? Or integrated?

[ReineD]

I can feel like Kaz even when in boy mode, and often do... especially when I go though periods of not being able to dress as Kaz.

Kaz, if you don't mind my asking, how differently do you feel as Kaz in boy mode, compared to feeling your guy self? How does Kaz feel when not dressed vs. guy self?

The answer might be insightful to the OP. :) It certainly would be to me. :hugs:

[melissacd]

I see my male and female halves, if you can really call them that, as one and the same. As I have given myself the freedom to express the real me I find that I do not see any difference anymore, whereas when I was in the closet, way back when, there was a distinct component of my personality that stayed hidden and felt like another persona.

I am not sure there are different personalities, just hidden facets of all of who we are repressed out of fear about how others will respond to the authentic us. Once we develop a confidence about who we really are then - poof - instant integration - she is he is we is me.

Huggs
Melissa

[JulieC]

Have you integrated your identities? If so, do you have any tips on how to go about it?

I've always resisted the idea that I am two different people inside one skin. I am me, all of me.

It can be easy to encapsulate our femme selves under a name, and mentally do the same. When we dress, especially fully en femme, we look dramatically different than our male selves. Two expressions of gender identity, one person. Easy; two identities.

But, I resist that, and actively dislike it. I think it's unhealthy. It's like when I take off the femme clothes, I have to force part of my persona into a box and stuff it into a mental closet. "I'll let you out when you get tired of being in there and scream at me!"

No, I rather try to integrate all of me into my sense of self. It takes a lot of time, and some active effort. This has nothing to do with outward expression, but inward. I can be totally femme while externally appearing entirely male. It's all me, and I don't want to box up my femme aspects anymore than I want to box up my homme aspects.

[Jay Cee]

Thank you all for your wisdom.

I guess I should explain my current situation a bit more indepth.

I've never crossdressed in front of anyone before, until maybe a month or so ago. My gf and I were on a road trip, and I mentioned how I was just kind of tired of being a guy. We had a long talk, and ended up going shopping together for clothes for my "alter ego". The support I have received from her has been nothing short of amazing.

I am the one who is having a hard time accepting this part of myself. It doesn't help that I have this internal image of what I should be like (manly man, no tears, lots of emotional control, etc). Working construction is not helping, as it is a pretty non-tolerant environment. I am starting to feel a bit of resentment towards my occupation as a result.

Maybe integration was the wrong word, in a sense. Acceptance may have been more appropriate. I just feel guilt, shame, lost, and a few other emotions. I lock down everything that Jessie may feel, so that part of me doesn't get accidentally shown in public. The dressing, while it feels great, also confuses me greatly. I frequently fear losing my original self. I am afraid of living what may be more of a truth, because living what may be a lie is easier. I'm scared of the rejection of family and the few friends that I have. This is only amplified by part of me knowing that I will eventually crossdress in public. I can't explain how I know that - I just do.

I guess I should ask - how long did it take for you to accept yourself, and love yourself, for who you are. I thought I had myself figured out, until I turned down this road.

<sigh> :sad:

Thanks for reading this

Jessie

[carrie-ann]

I wish I could tell you everyone is going to like it they won't. What matters is your thoughts. If you worry about everyone else youll go nuts. I've lost some family members and some I thought were my friends. I had to be me I knew I would have to except what was going to happen. That don't mean I like how they feel but I have to be me.

[Alice Torn]

I am the same person, but when dressed. strive to be the lady i could have been. If i am not mistaken, there is a regular poster, who has addressed "integrating" the two sides, quite often. I am waiting to see what that person weighs in with.

[Patty B.]

I can easily understand the occupation problems and the internal image, I guess it's something we all come to some sort of understanding, somehow and someway. A lifelong cd, and out to my wife for a year, lots of talking, but I am also trying to work out the acceptance and integration of the obvious dual sides of my personality. I guess we each have to figure this out, all being different, probably not much help on this one. Maybe I'll get something out of this thread that'll help. I think there was a statement a while back along the lines of welcome to the wild and wacky world of crossdressing, might just as well accept it. Probably sums it up as well as any.

[Satrana]

I think you do need to accept yourself first as a CD. You need to think how gays went about coming out of the closet. Meaning you need to be proud to be a CD, knowing that you are a better person for it because you have a more rounded personality and are willing to explore part of your natural personality that most men are too scared to even admit it exists.

You will know you have accepted yourself the day when you are prepared to tell other people that you are a CD. This will be the day when it is OK for others to see you in feminine dress.

As far as integration goes, this is really about letting go of the male ego entirely. It needs an understanding that everything that we have been taught and conditioned as boys then as adult men has been deliberately skewed to produce males that have been lobotomized - our femininity having been cut away and made inaccessible. Many CDs cannot get past this feeling of wrongness that female behavior and wants should not be expressed in a male body. They think of their male and female selves like oil and water which cannot be mixed together.

Integration happens when you can finally see the naturalness and beauty of femininity in a male body. How to get there? For me it was giving up emulating women which was a tool in which I created a false and separate female identity. When I stopped emulating I was left with just me in a dress. I stopped wearing wigs, makeup and breastforms at home. At first I found the image of my male self in female clothes unrewarding but in time I began to see me just in clothes that I liked because they made ME feel feminine. That is when I reached integration. Up to then my female wardrobe was a tool designed to reach a magical place of escapism and fun. Now my female clothes are actually just clothes not tools.

I firmly believe the source of CDing is that we are tomgirls - boys who just want to express and enjoy our natural femininity. But because of many issues like guilt, shame, strict gender conditioning, homophobia, closeted lifestyles, denial, taboos and autogynephillia, CDs end up all over the place chasing fantasies and forget what their behavior is really telling them about themselves.

[Gillian]

I am still in a position of being fully 100% able to compartmentalise my two sides, unsure as to exactly why but I am.

I fid it far easier to become Gillian then become the drab guy than to merge them as Gillian is my ideal and I don't want to sour her with guy influences.

[Lisa.L]

Wow, Satrana, I am so moved by your wise and thoughtful words.

Lisa

[ReineD]

Integration happens when you can finally see the naturalness and beauty of femininity in a male body.

Well, here I am again with questions, trying to understand. Please bear with me, and I do appreciate your patience. Sometimes it seems the longer I'm here, the less I understand.

Aren't you describing a TS? Having HRT and/or SRS is not a requisite for a TS to transition, as I've been told in the TS section. Some people just can't afford SRS, full electrolysis and FFS, and they may feel that HRT alone just won't do the trick for them if they are genetically more on the masculine looking end of the spectrum. Or maybe they don't want to chance losing their ability to be sexual. So hasn't a TS/TG transitioned if she knows she is feminine, and she decides to live her life presenting as her full feminine self full time as you describe (or as much as she can if she needs her job and she works in an unenlightened environment), while having made the decision she will not alter her body? Hasn't she abandoned all pretense of being a male in the traditionally cultural sense and in the way she identifies herself?

I used to think there was a divide between CD and TS, with CDs identifying as males who wish to experience life alternating femininity and masculinity. But now I'm not so sure, if the goal is to integrate and experience femininity all the time. Isn't the male ID effectively gone at this point, no matter what the body looks like?

Are there different degrees of gender dysphoria, with the more acute cases needing to eradicate all physical semblance of maleness, and less acute cases where a TS would decide she can be feminine despite her male body?

Edit - Oh wow, this was my 6,000 post! :)

[Annaliese2010]

It's a bimodal (not bisexual) personality thingy w/me sans dysphoria. A sort of M2F switch-over where she is she & he is he & I am one or the other depending on which personality predominates at the moment (usually he). But whichever one is on top it's not to the extinction of the other. The one now underneath, set-aside or down modulated is mute yet 'aware'. There is no 'battle for control' there is always mutual agreement wrt who. It's not a lightswitch, doesn't have anything to do with how I'm dressed cuz how I'm dressed simply reflects who I am without forethought or fanfare. It's like... uh...sort of liquid? Well, but stable. Same person (the axis) with two separate, fully developed and independent personalities (opposite ends), both of whom have separate interests, tastes, needs, goals, friends, different ways of thinking feeling behaving experiencing everything which of course includes physical intimacy i.e. sex.

BTW...Happy 6000th !!! And...OMG?! Six Thousand Posts?! That's just incredible! Kudos to you, Reine!!!

[ReineD]

But whichever one is on top it's not to the extinction of the other. The one now underneath, set-aside or down modulated is mute yet 'aware'.

But how will it be in 5 years, or 10? Will one want to be on top more and more?



BTW...Happy 6000th !!! And...OMG?! Six Thousand Posts?! That's just incredible! Kudos to you, Reine!!!

Thank! :)

[Patty B.]

I like Annaliese 's 2010 post, its kind of like that for me, the female side seems to be there even when in male mode, not in female mode enough to know if male side shows through like the female side does. Where I'll be in 1, 5 or 10 years, dont know. Trying to make sense of it all, now that my wife knows and working to keep this reltionship intact.

[Satrana]

Hi Reine

My post was not describing TS at all, I should have choose my words more carefully. What I was trying to describe was seeing beauty in a male - not beauty through strength, authority, self-confidence etc but classical feminine beauty - sensitivity, vulnerability, unselfishness etc. Males are conditioned to reject these feelings and the roles associated with them because to do so automatically means you are not a man yet of course we are. It is a hard contradiction to get around.

Integration for me happened when I rejected the entire basis of what a man is supposed to be and accepted the naturalness that femininity was a part of every person ergo every male. If I can appreciate a woman displaying femininity then I should have the same feeling seeing a man do the same. Essentially I have become blind to biological gender. This is why I no longer need to do the psychological side-step and switch into a female persona in order for me to grant myself access to my feminine feelings. But I am not describing being female all the time, I am still mostly male but with my female side granted full access to come out with or without the clothing.

With regards to your comments on TS I will give you this to ponder. A person who becomes TS is a person who decides to no longer be TG. They seek to end the issues of being TG by settling for a single gender - their preferred gender- and enjoy the benefits of rejoining gender normalcy. This is one option.

This is my big picture view. Many CDs travel down a road of gender exploration which usually means an escalating path towards more femininity. Due to the problems of being closeted, spousal intolerance etc many never get to properly explore their feelings and get stuck along the way. For those lucky ones who do get to fully explore their TG feelings then they will eventually come to a crossroads where there are 3 choices.

1. Continue as before with separate male and female personas which will probably become more and more distinct.
2. Integration which means dropping the female persona and granting your male self permission to feel feminine at any time.
3. Become TS which means dropping the male persona and rejoining the cis-world in your preferred gender.

[Tracy X Cruz]

I used to think there was a divide between CD and TS, with CDs identifying as males who wish to experience life alternating femininity and masculinity. But now I'm not so sure, if the goal is to integrate and experience femininity all the time. Isn't the male ID effectively gone at this point, no matter what the body looks like?

I didn't realize there was a divide until I started researching and looking into the communities for CD and TS.

For me, the male identity was barely there mentally by the time I started cross dressing it was more a mask that I showed people people who didn't know me so they thought what was on the inside matched the outside. Now I CD because I feel I have enough courage and support to try and match the outside to the inside. am I TS? I don't know... all of this is really new to me... but I am not at the moment, I am not looking for HRT or SRS... Full Electrolysis would be nice if I had the money... but being able to express my femininity as much as possible whether my equipment is male or not seems to be enough at the moment.

I have started hair removal on my arms and legs (epilator), Got my ears pierced, have grown my hair out long, I now wear heals pretty much everywhere but work, I wear a skirt and blouse around the house, some days I wear a corset and/or bra and my first set of forms are in the mail (yay). I am looking to dress how I want everywhere except work in the near future. And on the inside I am me, only me. Even though I don't "pass" at the moment I love what I am wearing and doing and it feels more "right" And so... besides work where I worry about my income and lively-hood I feel I am integrated.

[longdog]

I don't have "female personality" . Im the same person wearing what every Im wearing....

I just have strange interest in wearing what females like to wear sometimes that I don't share with the public.

[prene]

I am fundamentaly the same person.
But when I dress I get more sensitive.
I stop and smell the flowers, when I just go on a walk my scenses are heighten. I love the feel my body move(hips sway, breasts move when I walk). My am more aware of my surroundings and my feminity.

[Andromeda]

There is no difference in my two halves. In fact it never occurred to me that I was supposed to have more than the one of me until I joined this forum. Andromeda did not get named until I needed a female name for this site. As far back as I can remember we have been one and the same.

[Satrana]

Andromeda did not get named until I needed a female name for this site.

I was the same. I never felt a need for a name but when I looked in the mirror I saw a woman who was not me and yet she was not another person either. So there was a male me - which was a mask used for social purposes and then there was a female me in the mirror which did not have a personality.

I have never felt a need to develop a seperate personality because how could that be the real me? And beside how can a split personality be healthy so I felt no reason to flesh her out. It would just be a another character like the male mask. The real me is something in-between the male mask and the woman in the mirror, something I had not seen myself because of my inhibitions. I think I have always felt that these two sides of me had to be integrated into a whole but did not know how to achieve that.

[Angiemead12]

Im the same boy in a dress! :hugs:

But way more girly then girls I know!

Personality is the same, just sexier!

[Fab Karen]

If for example a guy wears a suit & tie for work, and during off-time wears something like jeans & a t-shirt, is he literally a different person during those times? ( the answer is no ).

[Greymancd]

I like to dress as a woman and at times go all out to look like one. I do like my male side though and have no desire to change into a woman. It is more just times to look feminine and sexy whether I really do or not.

[ReineD]

My post was not describing TS at all, I should have choose my words more carefully. What I was trying to describe was seeing beauty in a male - not beauty through strength, authority, self-confidence etc but classical feminine beauty - sensitivity, vulnerability, unselfishness etc. Males are conditioned to reject these feelings and the roles associated with them because to do so automatically means you are not a man yet of course we are. It is a hard contradiction to get around.

I understand what you are saying now. I forget that men are conditioned (if I may add, mostly by other men) that it is not OK to be sensitive and nurturing, although I think that men do give themselves permission to be more sensitive with their wives and children, i.e., a husband who has opinions about home decor and is just as much a part of the decision about what colors and fabrics to use as the wife, or a dad who sits down with his daughter and her stuffed animals to have a tea party. :)



Integration for me happened when I rejected the entire basis of what a man is supposed to be and accepted the naturalness that femininity was a part of every person ergo every male. If I can appreciate a woman displaying femininity then I should have the same feeling seeing a man do the same. Essentially I have become blind to biological gender.

One of the reasons why I think I have such difficulty understanding a CD's mindset sometimes is that, looking back, I've always been blinder perhaps more than most to biological gender, or rather I do see the qualities you describe in your first quote in everyone. I've always had close male friends that I've confided in, and I've raised my sons to know that it was OK to talk about their feelings and cry when they were sad. They were encouraged to play house when they were little since I knew they were mimicking the world around them, I encouraged them to be caring and nurturing towards others, and I provided them with the right toys to do so. I always thought that a real man had all these qualities, just as a real woman should also be strong, courageous, and self-confident among both genders.

It turned out that my sons did eventually succumb to peer pressure and they did develop the machismo you describe. It saddens me now when I see them exhibit a lack of sensitivity and they forget the way they were when they were little. :sad: But, I hope it is not entirely buried and they do allow their softer sides to come out with their girlfriends.

Anyway I digress, but thanks for the added explanation. :)

[Gillian]

If for example a guy wears a suit & tie for work, and during off-time wears something like jeans & a t-shirt, is he literally a different person during those times? ( the answer is no ).

Hmmm,,,,,,, not sure I agree with that sentiment either, but then that disagreement would be from my own perspective alone. For my last big company I wore suits daily and behaved in a corporate manner professional with client and staff alike but off duty was just me two completely differetn people and those I met from work outside found me so happy and laid back the suit was strangling me?
I now thankfully dress very casual and let my clients know I do not need a necktie for my brain to work and this policy has helped my personality shine out for the last few years, so, I guess I am saying that I may well be Bi-polar, Nyuk nyuk nyuk:eek:

I think act walk behave as girl when being a girl, and when wearing a boilersuit and working on a car its a testosterone overdose time:drink:

[JulieC]

But how will it be in 5 years, or 10? Will one want to be on top more and more?

I sense fear in that question.

There is no definite answer. The best answer is constant, open, trusting communication between you and your SO.

My wife knows she's on a journey with me, and I with her. She knows that I do not want to transition. Anything else is up for grabs, and she's fine with that. I give her the best answers I can give her when asked, and we continue to walk together into the future.

[charlie]

I'm very much wanting to follow this thread, but I'm having difficulty with knowing what integration means. It seems to be different for everyone depending on their gender ID and where they are along the continuum to self-acceptance.

Some examples:

For a TS it may mean getting rid of the idea that the femme self is separate, and coming to embrace her as the TS's core while eliminating any false male masks.

For a CD whose male self has had difficulty accepting the CDing, it may mean acceptance that he sometimes has urges to be femme and not feeling as if he is a freak for expressing her.

For other CDs who've felt the need to put on a huge male mask in order to hide the inner femme, it may be that they haven't given themselves permission to experience certain emotions in male mode, so integration might simply mean allowing themselves to cry when they're sad, or enjoy a chick flick, etc, even in male mode.

For other CDs who are dual-gender or have more a propensity to be androgynous, it may mean combining all aspects of their male/female psyches into one and presenting this at all times.

Jcameron, which one are you? What are your goals and what is it you would like to achieve with integration? :)

Hello J!
I think for all of here this is a reasonable question. When I was young and did not know anything about crossdressers I thought that I was alone and doing something very wrong. I hid my crossdressing as deep and as well as I could. As I got older I learned that there were many of us and that I was not such a weird crazy person for CD afterall. I think Reine has brought it all down into one answer. For many of us.....when we crossdress we take on a new identity. A fem self with a fem name. We try to act like we think that person should act. I believe I am more the androgynous type. I'm me (perhaps with a smaller step and more hand gestures) when dressed. But still me. The male me is pretty much the same person as well. Perhaps a bit effeminate at times, but me.

[Naomi Rayne]

I tend to view my femme self as an almost entirely different entity. I'm sure that this has a lot to do with guilt, denial, and whatnot. I'm pretty sure that this is also what has kept me from getting everything I need to do a full out femme look.

I don't really have any excuse on the home front - my gf is totally supportive. She does have some concerns about my being a TS instead of a CD, and to be totally truthful, I have no idea how far I will go.

Have you integrated your identities? If so, do you have any tips on how to go about it?

Thanks

Jessie

I did that for a while also. I looked at my fem self as entirely different, a whole different personality. I was so set on separating the 2 and after a while things just started to integrate together on their own. I started to realize ive always felt how i have felt and me acknowledging my fem side doesnt mean that it is someone other than me. I am still me and to quote popeye i am what i am and thats all i am.

[Fab Karen]

I think act walk behave as girl when being a girl, and when wearing a boilersuit and working on a car its a testosterone overdose time
What is "behaving like a girl"? If a girl enjoys working on a car, is she "behaving like a man"?

[michellesworld]

I like having 2 'selves' and feel that a blended one kinda cheapens each. As a man, I like manly things. As Michelle, I like feminine things. I use each to learn more about the other.

[Annaliese2010]

But how will it be in 5 years, or 10? Will one want to be on top more and more?Any way you want it!!! It's ALL good to me! Oooie bab...er...Oh! God, I'm sorry!

I reacted too fast. Forgot the context. Didn't stop & think. Right away thought you meant...well...you know. So...my bad! Please forgive. My reflex fast, honest & clean...to a question mis-perceived. Exhilaration now to cease - 'cause you meant me & Annaliese! :o

No disrespect. And yes I need to keep in check this torrent leashed, this repressed fury. And though now mortified, perhaps this answers your thoughtful query? ;)


Thank! :)Aw you're welcome. No problem. You Rock!

[Satrana]

I understand what you are saying now. I forget that men are conditioned (if I may add, mostly by other men) that it is not OK to be sensitive and nurturing,
While this is indeed a male issue to resolve, the machismo strong male is also the stereotype condoned by society as being the pinnacle of masculinity and many women buy into this model as well. This is the underlying reason why many women struggle with accepting the idea their SO wants to express femininity.

I can see that you have always naturally straddled the gender gap and no doubt your viewpoint has assisted you empathizing with the CD cause. I believe your ideas are becoming more common but there are still plenty of women who think differently. Many mothers want their sons to grow into being confident leaders who will become rich and famous and be widely popular with women. In my case it was not my father who told me boys don't cry, it was my mom. It was also she who was most active getting me into competitive sports, not my father.

The degree of masculinity men exhibit will reflect to some degree the demand for it by women. It goes hand in hand with how women see themselves. If a women feels she is weak then she will desire a strong man by her side. If you read up on evolutionary mate selection then you will discover that modern humans are the way we are because of female selection of mates. Women have always had the upper hand and their choices governed our evolutionary growth until very recently when large societies arrived and religious doctrine passed the power of mate selection to men.

At least in the progressive West the more confident and assertive women become the less in demand there will be for the masculine stereotype which means men who buck the stereotype will not be disadvantaged by being unappealing to women. Since there is no male revolution on the horizon, the withdrawal of female demand is probably going to be the most likely event that will undermine society's condonement of machismo behavior.

[ReineD]

The degree of masculinity men exhibit will reflect to some degree the demand for it by women.

True, but not always. I have a good example of the contrary, which I do not think is the exception.

I have a good friend who was the major income earner in her marriage. PhD, head phychologist at a nearby prison, long hours, and longer commute than her husband who was a cop. He told me once he resented having to make himself available for childcare during the summer months and on school holidays. His hours were much more flexible. He ended up divorcing her and marrying a woman who was less educated than he, and less self-confident than my friend. My friend was devastated.

[Satrana]

I think your story reflects that fact that most people are set in their gender views. The husband being a cop operates in an environment that is particularly machismo so it is no real surprise that he thinks this way. It is in the youngest generations that we will notice the greatest change. More confident women desiring more emotive considerate men.

I believe the traditional gender stereotypes for men and women were designed to compliment each other. Now that women are increasingly distancing themselves from their stereotypical behavior, the male version is becoming increasingly irrelevant within relationships. However it is still needed by men working in competitive workplaces to get ahead so I believe this is the main reason why it persists - just like in your example.

[Alice Torn]

What i have experienced in my 56 bachelor years, is that a lot of women, "just don't need, or want a man anymore." They have careers, homes, nice cars, ;ot s of support and friends, and, if attractive, are always getting hit on. Where as a lot of single men, are not wanted, or needed. They live in a "dry desert" of lonliness, islation, frustration, unmet needs. Just the opposte, with most women! They are in a rainforest, where it is "raining male attention". I go to singles dances, and it is usually not enough women, and too many guys! That is my experience. Men are perplexed, confused, feel damned it theycome on too strong, and damned if they are deemed weak. The CDer is in an even more difficult position. Should he keep it forever to himself, or just risk rejection , and tell a lady soon?