How do I deal with it?

[Debb]

WARNING: Angsty post ahead:

I'm having a really difficult time these past few days. It's been a long time coming, but I've finally begun facing up to the fact that I'll never "pass" whatever that means ... I'll never look like a girl, and I really must face that.

There will be those of you who say, "Yes you can" look like a girl ... and this would be true, assuming I wasn't as lazy as I truly am.

But "passing" may or may not be necessary.

What I really need is to get over feeling "bad" or "guilty" about wanting to be, or to feel, pretty.

And here's the difficulty (finally): I am so jealous of the advantaged "others" here ... the ones who make it seem easy to appear as pretty girls, the ones who more obviously "pass".

Jealousy sometimes has a place ... but not this kind, not to this degree. It simply depresses me to look at photos of pretty girls, and find that they are, in fact, men.

I know, I know: I should get help. Counseling.

I simply have no time for counseling. I have no projected time off; I spent all my yearly time off already this year, dealing with a dying mom, being the primary care giver.

You all are my counselors. Make it count, and thanks in advance.

[Dee Baker]

There are many here that are prettier girls than I am. Likewise there are many men that are more handsome men than I am. Such is life, there is always someone prettier, more popular, etc.

What can we do?
Just like playing a game of one-on-one or any sport. Put our best effort into it, enjoy the game and the friends we have made along the way.

I am human, I am not perfect, I have flaws, but I can still have fun and enjoy being myself.

Dee

[Marissa]

Hon, taking in what Dee said is quiet true.. we are our worst critic.. so if you look at me and think that i'm all that.. well do know its takes alot to put it together and still i don't feel that great about my looks.. and yes, i walk like a man in heels at times.. :D

now for how you feel about yourself.. only you can change that..and maybe do as you said..accept it.. but enjoy how you feel dressed.. how you improve on mannerism.. and if your fortunate to have a supporting group as they do here in DFW area where they schedule events sometimes limited to CDs and their friends, its a come as you are event.. to draw out those who are reluctant to venture out the door. Its not about passing or not..its about having fun and meeting others..

Hugs,
Marissa

[NathalieX66]

Life is not a destination, it is a journey.

and IMHO, life is not a competition, or a beauty contest.
Enjoy being yourself, and make that facet of yourself a unique part of your personality. We are human beings, meaning that we all have the capability of being unique individuals....go, snowflake! :thumbsup:
If you feel that you are challenged in the beauty department, then welcome to the world of women....because there are countless women who wrestle with this issue constantly, not just you.

[Barbara Dugan]

I think you are not alone on your struggle..there are some days that I wish I look like Eva Mendes but I know that is not possible.

Then I will only try to be myself and like Dee mentioned have fun:hugs:

[AKAMichelle]

I have a friend who passes very well and she has a website showing the transition over the years for her. At first she was very rough around the edges. Then over time she perfected her look and now she passes great. The point is that everyone of us must try everyday to do better than the day before. Then over time we can look back at just how far we have come.

[Cherie]

I am not the prettiest girl hence dont post pics
but put on a nice dress high heels bit of make up and i feel as pretty as i want to be .who are u doing it for others or you .Just love the women within .:battingeyelashes: And i do get jelous of other beautiful girls lol :daydreaming:

[LitaKelley]

Beauty isn't necessarily a visual aesthetic, because even a sound can be beautiful, so even without eyes, a blind person knows beauty, so be it even if you were also deaf, then you can still FEEL beautiful.

[Inna]

Bethany, you took words out of my mouth or worst, out of my head. Yeh, we do see some awesome looking chicks here, and I want sooo much to be pretty and wholesome, just like what I feel within, but no, our perception of life being cruel is just that. Life isn't cruel we make it so! My problem is that at times I want it now, I feel as though time is running out and I want to experience this epiphany of womanliness, feel pretty and sexy. But as the girls have already pointed out earlier, we must let time flow and take its magical course. Who are we to say miracle isn't going to happen to us, to me. I am waiting for this miracle, but I won't sit on my ass and count the time, I will make every effort to get to be the woman I am. And in the meanwhile I will every morning after a quick glimpse into the mirror to see if god has bestowed this miracle on me, and learning it hasn't happened yet, I will push on being fulfilled with what I have got within, soft, sensuous, vulnerable, sexy, beautiful, woman. Your post is one of those little miracles, just today I felt like telling everyone here, that what they see as Alexia and images I so tenderly choose are not real in the sense I don't see this Alexia in the reflection I look at, I see a man, weathered, and angry at lives ultimate trick, and yet man who doesn't have a strength to quit, yes, you heard me, I don't have a strength to put it back and pretend it never happened, I rather be a Freak of nature than that respected fool of a man, an empty facade of magnificent nothing! I rather be a broken image of what's inside, she is so loving and peaceful, she inspires me, gives me strength, she is my life, she is ME. Bethany babe, I hope you find peace within and understanding that in time miracles CAN happen all we have to do is believe in them, I love you so much, thanks for writing this post, Alexia.

[Naru]

I can relate SO much. I have come to completely except this as a permanent part of my life now. The problem is that every once in a while I will look in the mirror and just get very discouraged. When I dress I feel pretty and I feel cute...but I worry that I will never look the part. As if people will just laugh and say, why is he even trying, he looks foolish. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and be the girl I envision myself to be.

I think we just have to be true to ourselves and push through those discouraging thoughts because if you feel pretty then you are pretty! We will all find what we need out of life so long as we don't give up searching for it.

[Debb]

I think this is an indication of my maturity level, or ... something. The weird thing is, as a man, I never worried about my appearance .. at least, not worrying about whether I was handsome or whatnot. Sure, I took care to shave and be neat... but that was the end of it.

I'm thinking that, dressed as a woman, I am trying to fulfill the ideal in my head; and trust me, NOBODY woman or man could fulfill that ideal. It's just that, an ideal, a fantasy that no one can live up to; and I think that's where I'm at, wanting to live up to my own fantasy.

Weird? Maybe. Problematic? Yeah, you bet. Usually, self-talk is enough to get me through this; this time, I appear to be going thru a depression and that doesn't help. It's likely temporary; if it continues more than another month, I'm probably gonna have to go see a doctor ... but I'd rather handle it myself, in my own way -- and you gals are helping.

A lot.

Thank you.

[Audreyanne]

Reading the original post, it reminded me of what teenage girls often go through on the process of becoming women - - "why can't I be as pretty as so and so?" I suppose the answer lies in acceptance of ones virtues and limitations.

[LACD]

Dear Bethany,
I reached the conclusion years ago that I would never pass. I was so angry with myself for so long. I finally decided that I love to dress but rarely have the opprotunity anymore. I feel as long as you feel good about yourself to heck with everything else. I know I will never ever look as beautiful as some of the ladies here but I will look as good as I can. Never give up. Be all the girl you can. Just be happy for and with yourself.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I hear ya too Bethany. I know I will never pass. The best I can do is to try and blend in. I used to get a little jealous / envious of others who look great but that diminished when I started going out to the shopping malls and having a great time. Sure I get "clocked" all the time, but ya know what.....I think so what! I get treated wonderfully well in the clothing stores and have never had a problem whilst out and about.

Tash :)

[AllisonR]

WARNING: Angsty post ahead:

I'm having a really difficult time these past few days. It's been a long time coming, but I've finally begun facing up to the fact that I'll never "pass" whatever that means ... I'll never look like a girl, and I really must face that.

There will be those of you who say, "Yes you can" look like a girl ... and this would be true, assuming I wasn't as lazy as I truly am.

But "passing" may or may not be necessary.

What I really need is to get over feeling "bad" or "guilty" about wanting to be, or to feel, pretty.

And here's the difficulty (finally): I am so jealous of the advantaged "others" here ... the ones who make it seem easy to appear as pretty girls, the ones who more obviously "pass".

Jealousy sometimes has a place ... but not this kind, not to this degree. It simply depresses me to look at photos of pretty girls, and find that they are, in fact, men.

I know, I know: I should get help. Counseling.

I simply have no time for counseling. I have no projected time off; I spent all my yearly time off already this year, dealing with a dying mom, being the primary care giver.

You all are my counselors. Make it count, and thanks in advance.

Bethany Marie, what a problem! Now, I know that sometimes I 'pass', I also know that most times I don't. I have no problem with talking to people. The other day I stopped at a restaurant to order a salad (girl food!) to-go, just off work so in male mode. Chatted up the new cashier a bit. Few days later, friends and I go in to eat. Manager and new girl, now on her first day and ours being her second table, manager introduces her to us. I tell her, "Hi again, we met before" to which she says "Uh, we did?". "Yes, I ordered the Fiesta Salad to-go. Uh, I was dressed different". Manager smiles and says, "yes you were" and she "looks" at me then recognizes me, smiles and says something like "Hi again" with a big smile. My point, Bethany Marie, is that even though I 'might pass', I don't care. I look, dress, deport myself as a woman BUT I am not ashamed that people know I am a transgender woman. That's me, ok? You are different. The other day, I was trying on pants at Kohl's. Asked the SA "so, what do you think?" Of course, they could tell I'm TG but neither one had a problem with suggesting clothes for me nor with me being in the ladies' dressing rooms. I am a transgender woman and I am not ashamed to say it. I talk of my wife (deceased now for just about 2 years, which is why I am now able to be Allison) and strangers hearing me speak of "my wife" will, sooner or later (most times Sooner!) figure me out. I talk with a man's voice as I haven't had voice training. As I said, Bethany Marie, you are not me, you are you. Just about all I can say is - keep on keeping on, girl. Be the woman you are, be proud of being the woman you are. As others have posted, even GGs of all ages, have "acceptance" issues, even beautiful GGs like models, etc. There are many, many (just look around!) girls who are overweight, bad skin, bad hairdo's, too tall, too short, dress like pigs, have no pride in themselves as women, etc. Bethany Marie, if you don't EVER get to the point of "looking like a girl" (or the girl you want to look like), just try and be the girl you are. Yeah, easy for her to say, huh? Some say I'm "too busty" but I like big breasts, even though it draws attention to me. Some say I talk too much with a male voice, but hey, that's the voice I have. Good, good luck to you, lady. Your sisters here are still rooting for you!


"just today I felt like telling everyone here, that what they see as Alexia and images I so tenderly choose are not real in the sense I don't see this Alexia in the reflection I look at, I see a man, weathered, and angry at lives ultimate trick, and yet man who doesn't have a strength to quit, yes, you heard me, I don't have a strength to put it back and pretend it never happened, I rather be a Freak of nature than that respected fool of a man, an empty facade of magnificent nothing! I rather be a broken image of what's inside, she is so loving and peaceful, she inspires me, gives me strength, she is my life, she is ME".

Alexia, "wow" what a wonderful post! If you don't mind, I'll steal those lines and use them myself (substituting my name of course in place of yours). "Respected fool of a man, an empty facade of magnificent nothing"... damn, girl, that is perfect as it describes several "men" I know who feel "uncomfortable" around me.


I think this is an indication of my maturity level, or ... something. The weird thing is, as a man, I never worried about my appearance .. at least, not worrying about whether I was handsome or whatnot. Sure, I took care to shave and be neat... but that was the end of it.

I'm thinking that, dressed as a woman, I am trying to fulfill the ideal in my head; and trust me, NOBODY woman or man could fulfill that ideal. It's just that, an ideal, a fantasy that no one can live up to; and I think that's where I'm at, wanting to live up to my own fantasy.


A lot.

Thank you.

Don't we all want to live up to our own fantasy! As a man, I also never cared what I looked like, dirty jeans (to my wife, "ok, ok I'll change them! Don't know why, I'll only have to change them in a couple of more weeks"). Now? Oh, now I DO try and look femaley. I WANT to look like a woman. Pass? Doesn't matter, I *AM* a woman, treat me as one, refer to me as one. I'm glad we're helping you "a lot"


Dear Bethany,
I reached the conclusion years ago that I would never pass. I was so angry with myself for so long. I finally decided that I love to dress but rarely have the opprotunity anymore. I feel as long as you feel good about yourself to heck with everything else. I know I will never ever look as beautiful as some of the ladies here but I will look as good as I can. Never give up. Be all the girl you can. Just be happy for and with yourself.

LACD, there ya go! Well said and right on!

[7sisters]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You will find someone who loves you for whatever you look. They will look into your eyes and see the most gorgeous person. When that happens, trust their judgement. Dont deny it.

I think you feeling 'down' is just the sheer depression of doing the hospital rounds. I know how stressful it can get. And i suspect that is why you are feeling tired and dejected. If you want to talk you can PM me.

If it is consolation, every human being feels this way. The competition is intense to be better, look better. Just be the best you can be. Otherwise you will destroy yourself emotionally. What good is a nice looks if you have destroyed your soul.

[sissystephanie]

I "passed sort of" when I was young and before I married. The I got married and my late wife could really make me pass.

But you know what, I never really wanted to be a woman anyway!! I just like to wear their clothes. Since my wife passed away I have no one to do my makeup or fix my wig! So I don't bother with either one! I dress enfemme, but lopok just like the man that I am! Almost shaved head and all! No passing at all for me, and I don't care!

Each of us is an individual, and different from everyone else. If you don't look pretty and feminine, so what! You are you, not that pretty girl in the picture! You might even be better looking than her, in your own way!! Be happy to wear the clothes and quit worrying about "passing!"

[Lucy_Bella]

Beauty is only in the eye of the be holder.. I like to think Beauty comes from within first and attraction is the exterior . I can't say I am at all happy with passing any way shape or form . I do a lot to emulate for nothing because I know once in the real world , I am a guy trying to resemble a girl, I have learned to live and accept that because to me I am beautiful..

[t-girlxsophie]

I've long given up any faint hopes of being able to "pass" and I accept it most days,but still get the odd day when no matter how I try I dont like the results.But when I went out recently for first time in a while no one Batted an eyelid at me walking down the street that filled me with confidence.

Never give up,dress up in your sexiest outfit and dont be afraid to be yourself,No-one is Better or more worthy than you remember that

:hugs:Sophie xx

[jenifer m.]

when i go out i pass ok but i make no effort to hide my voice or some of my male verbage.i know im just a guy in a skirt,and i dont care if people know it or not.im just having fun doing my thing,and even when people know im a guy they still treat me with respect beacause im real about it.i say just do whatever you can to look your best and people will respect you for your efforts.we are all on different levels of confidence,experience,know how,and so on but if you do it tastefullly you will do fine.its all about how one feels inside that counts i guess.i have girl friends that blow my mind at how beutiful they are,and i beat myself up beacause im not at their level.but i have other girls that tell me how hot i look and how they wished they looked as good as me. that makes me feel good.but we have to keep it all in perspective,and be happy with who we are.dont be hard on yourself. i guarentee you look better than some one else out there.

[Sarah Doepner]

Pass? Me? Not for a heartbeat. I am pegged as a crossdresser by even the most nearsighted folks without their glasses. Where to start, nose, chin, heavy brow, being 6'1", maybe the man hands or big feet? All of it works to my disadvantage if my goal is to be pretty and glide through the crowd only receiving admiring looks.

Damn, it was a difficult thing to accept too. I would fuss and complain and try something new, none of it meeting my expectations. The only real options were to win the lottery and use most of the money to femininze myself or change my expectations. So I won the lottery! Well, no. I didn't win. Didn't even come close, in fact. I spent a lot of time looking at women in malls, at the superstores, on the street, in offices, at schools and in hospitals. What did they have that I needed? They were confident in their femininty. Once they got dressed and made up for the day, they didn't really even think about what anyone else thought. I'm working on that.

The other thing that helped a whole lot was remembering how much fun it is to crossdress. I really like it and it doesn't matter if I don't become a princess in anyone elses eyes. I enjoy getting into the fabrics and styles and shapers and makeup and wig and nail polish and perfume and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because that's my time.

Being a caregiver is a difficult job. I've done my share of that and it's difficult to find perspective on anything beyond the needs of the person you are helping. I hope the time you spend here and the time you spend crossdressed helps you find a calm center and a chance to relax just a bit. I haven't shortchanged anyone in my world, so I've earned this little bit of satisfaction.

And so have you.

[Renee_E]

Compare your self to not the pretty GG's but all GG's. Some you will recognize as female right off others take a long look and even then you are not sure of their gender. Some are extremely pretty and some fit more in the catagory of handsome. Same thing applies to GM some look more masculine than others. Some are handsome and some are pretty. Most of us are some where in the middle.

[Sally24]

Just like in the GG world, there is always going to be girls that look so much better than you do. I go thru boughts of jealousy when I see an attractive woman or tg. It's just a normal thing. What you CAN do is learn to look as good as possible. "Work with what you've got, change what you can."

[Gerrijerry]

Since I am perfect and pass so well ( big joke ) I can say what others have said. OR just say the truth. Anyone who does what we call pass as a woman. has spent a lot of time not only with their hair,makeup, clothes, and fitting in with the real woman around them when out, but also spent time in how they act when out side as well. It is their self worth that helps them pass. Their own pride in accepting themselves that helps make then pass. If when you look in the mirror you see a guy dressed as a woman, what you need to do is feel the feminine person you are inside and then look in the mirror. I am over weight, far from a beauty, but all I see in the mirror is the feminine person that I have become. That is who I am that is who you are also. Live the dream and you become the dream. Feel the dream and others will also.

[Alice Torn]

Oh, I can relate to the depression, a lifetime thing with me, and, the worst possible thing happened . My older twin brothers , who were taking care of my parents, got busted by the FBI, so, I had to move to the midwest, from the west coast, to take care of my father, who always resented me, and visit my Alz mom in a nursing home. I have trouble with envy twards normal married folks, who married young, and are still together. I never got to have a steady girlfreind or wife, and have only known singleness. Dressing reinforces that, but i enjoy it. I have been in recovery from dysfunctional family issues for 25 yrs, and being with toxic dad, is really trying me, as never before. The serenity prayer, good meds. suppliments, exercise, communication, any other tools, acceptance, is all we can do, giving it to a Higher Power.You do get better at dressing, refining your look, in time, but we must accept where we are.

[DonnaT]

You could also stop looking at the pictures! :D

[charlie]

Hello Bethany!
Now get it together here girl! You probably have to just work a bit harder then you have been. Getting out and about...and getting away with it (passing or at least not getting heckled and pointed at) is not all that hard. Go get a good book (Kevin Ancoin?) that deals with makeup. Go get the makeup. Work at applying the makeup to the hilt! Makeup (especially eye makeup) and a good wig ($100+) are important. The book will tell you how to apply makeup and how to look good in it. That is all part of the game. I also use a wig cap that is tough so I can put tape from my eyebrows and raise my eyelids with it. A cheap fast face lift! Then go and get some feminine clothes. I like catalog places like Metrostyle. They have cheap, sexy, up to date stylish clothes. You can also go to the GoodWill or even Forever 21. Just look stylish and fresh. Add some 3 or 4" heels and you are ready to get out the door. If you are still a bit afraid, start off by going to a gay bar with a drag show. Going dressed there will get you some interaction without any negative comments. Good Luck! Getting all dressed up with nowhere to go gets old.

[docrobbysherry]

1. You're dressing to please THEM! Is THEIR girl the girl in your head?:brolleyes:

2. You're dressing to "fit in". Why not look as SEXY and PRETTY as u CAN!?:D Why compromise your look for "them"?

3. If u concentrate on improving your look to suit yourself, u MAY eventually LIKE that image in the mirror!:)
(You'll NEVER satisfy everyone ELSE! So, Why TRY?)

I'm speaking from MY experience, Bethany! I was VERY unhappy with my image in the mirror. I was ready to QUITE DRESSING! Until I tried on a MASK! :eek:
I STILL can't pass at midnite in an unlit cave! And, SOME folks here disapprove! But, I LIKE who I see in my mirror now!:daydreaming:

And, isn't that who we ALL have to please in the end!? Ourselves?:straightface: