More of the roller coaster

[Tara1967]

I have been married to my third wife since Feb. 14th 2009.(love & respect) Tara

[xdbiker]

wow is about all i can say i just read your post and for right now i dont even know what to say But im very sorry for they way she is towards you Now But rember you were open about it all so Try and Keep your head Held HIGH the best you can Jerzie

[Phoebe Reece]

Tara, I am so sorry to hear of your predicament. Before you depart this forum you might want to read this thread as it may help you understand what is happening with your wife: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

[ReineD]

Tara, I think your wife tried her best to understand, but it reached a point where it got beyond her abilities to do so. It's hard for a GG to understand some of the comments that CDs leave each other on their pics. I know. lol. I've been there big time. We read the comments and we imagine that our SOs are in the same frame of mind we would be, if we left those comments. I'd have to think a guy was awfully cute, or even be attracted to him, for me to say that he looked good enough to eat. :) Or we have a nagging suspicion that our SOs post all their pics in order to attract men, since this would likely be a GG's motive for doing the same.

I know that pics are posted and comments are left in order to seek and to give validation, but in some cases the CDs are actively seeking men (and admirers are more than happy to oblige), and a GG whose husband engages in this feels uneasy. It's only natural. This is especially true if she feels her husband has not been completely up front with her in the past, and she wonders if this is happening now too, with the pics. Also, if they have issues in the bedroom, she may think it is because her husband is more attracted to other men or other CDs than her.

It's a difficult situation all around, and the only way to get past it is to stop all the blaming and hurt feelings and go back to talking lots and being devoted to one another. If your wife feels that you truly are into her and no one else, it should get back on track again.

In the meantime, you could encourage her to join the site and become a member of FAB (see the link under my signature). It might help if your wife talks to other GGs about this. :)

[Debra Russell]

Thats a tough break Tera. Maybe if you both went to a cd/tg conference of some kind together she would understand and be more accepting of "friendly" compliments. It seems that she is jealous and needs to have that feeling put more into perspective. All in all for me it would be harder to give up cd/ing than ever, especially when you know she is accepting to it!

I hope you get it all strightened out best wishes.....Debbie

[JulieC]

Patience, my friend, patience.

I too was betrayed at one point, and felt the little girl inside of me that was trying to finally fine time in the sun was being told to hide away forever.

It took a long time, but my wife and I worked it out.

I'm very sorry you had to cancel SCC. I'm very sorry she's had the reaction to compliments that she's had. I woudn't necessarily associate that with CDing though, but with the green eyed monster of jealousy.

Imagine how she would respond if your were dressed in a nice suit, tie, etc. and a beautiful model type woman in a beautiful dress, heels, etc were to walk by and say "You look good enough to eat" and keep walking. I'm going to guess that her reaction would not be good. The problem from what I can see isn't the CDing.

It'd be interesting to hear her side of this.

[Miss Misery]

First off, Tara, I do feel very sorry for you because you did nothing wrong and have been treated very unfairly by your SO. You were honest and upfront AND not even actively participating in CDing. I truly don't understand why your wife would encourage you and support you only to pull the rug out from under you. That's cold and makes me suspicious that she's more recently gotten some eroneous information/idea about CDing that she's not fessing up to.


Tara, I think your wife tried her best to understand, but it reached a point where it got beyond her abilities to do so.

I don't believe that she has "tried her best and it just reached a point ...." at all. Something changed for her. Perhaps the "thrill" for her is gone or, as I said earlier, some other idea got into her head, not the result of any escalation in Tara's behavior but perhaps from a skanky internet site or even a friend. His wife initiated and encouraged the resurgence - she can now take the blame as well, not Tara.


[/QUOTE]It's a difficult situation all around, and the only way to get past it is to stop all the blaming and hurt feelings and go back to talking lots and being devoted to one another. If your wife feels that you truly are into her and no one else, it should get back on track again.[/QUOTE]

Reine, I don't see blaming going on (except by me) and there SHOULD be hurt feelings when that is what someone's trying to do - hurt your feelings. Getting drunk and berating someone you supposedly love AND you convinced to expose a vulnerable side of themselves to you, is inexcusable. She needs to revisit the concept of devotion. There is certainly something more to Tara's wife's behavior than a mutual disagreement and I feel for Tara.

Good luck.

[charlie]

Hello Tara!
Sorry for the problems that you are telling us, but at the same time I hope that you are appreciative of the acceptance that you were given by your wife. You have gone shopping with her, out as Tara with her and have had her complete acceptance. My wife will not even discuss my crossdressing without breaking down into tears, suggest we separate, tell me I'm not normal.....etc. Perhaps you should just forget going to large outings and just go places with your wife. Be the girlfriend that she suggested. Believe me, fighting her on things will just make life a hell for both of you.

[Tara1967]

Reply from Tara’s wife, Suzie-a

[Danni Bear]

Tara and Suzie,

This is a hard time for both of you. Neither wants to hurt the other. It is a very difficult and touchy situation you are in. Communication and loving each other are more important now than ever before in your marriage.

I'm praying for both of you. Good Fortune and Happiness as you go forward

Love Danni

[docrobbysherry]

It MUST have been difficult for u pour your emotions and inner most thots out to a bunch of odd strangers!

However, some of us have EXPERIENCES that mite help the BOTH of u! You've acknowledged being jealous. As some mentioned in previous posts. But, I don't don't see THAT as a problem! Rather, I'm encouraged that u CARE ENUFF about Tara to be jealous!

My concerns r the SAME as they were BEFORE your post! WHY does Tara need reassurances from US that she's pretty?
Is he GAY? Is he, sorry!:o She, BI?

He explains in minute detail how he GAVE UP dressing. How he didn't need it at all! Yet, rather than saying how easy it will be for him to give it up NOW, he blames u for encouraging his dressing, then changing your mind!:Angry3:

I think there's A LOT going on with Tara that he hasn't discussed with u! Maybe not even with him/herself! :eek:
Otherwise, he gives up dressing now, and u 2 go back to the blissfull pair u were BEFORE Tara showed up!

My question is; can he do that? If he can, why isn't he?:straightface:

[Lucy_Bella]

Suzie,
That was a very heart felt post, Tara is very lucky to have someone to share all this with .Many of us can only wish to be so lucky, yes Tara probably should focus a little more on you IMHO and she may not realize that you are being somewhat left out but not all the way.

Maybe Tara should tell you more often how pretty you look or how lucky she is to have such a understanding and loveable S.O.
I sure hope all this works out between the two of you just respect each other and communicate .. This maybe all new to Tara and she may not know she is being a little one sided , I know I would hell I'd be a little kid at a candy store,,

[Tara1967]

thank you docrobbysherri, for your post. Tara here I joined this site on 7-7 2010, Suzie has known the whole time an no objections till yesterday because of a compliment. My avatar pic was made on 8-8-'10. I havent dressed since. As a relult of her banshee H*** raising I am giving up cd'ing all together ( love & respect) Tara

[Sara Jessica]

Very interesting thread, and Suzie's reply is amazing.

Let me try to speak to a couple of the issues she raises.

1. Why do we post photos here? I dare to say that for most of us it's simply a vanity thing. There are a bunch of sites out there where pics bring out the admirer types. For whatever reason, not so much here and that is just fine for most of us. A compliment from a TG sister is NOT to be construed as being from another man.

2. The 4-5 hour photo sessions are troubling. That much effort seems narcisistic, IMHO. I have learned that photos for me serve two purposes, to share here for feedback from others (yeah, the vanity thing) but more importantly, it's a way to catalogue different looks. What worked well, what didn't? It doesn't need to be a half-day endeavor.

I'm thinking there are some happy mediums to be had with both of you airing your views like this. Best of luck to both of you :).

[Tara1967]

Hi lucy and thank for your post. I only dress about every week and a half. I swarm Suzie with so much affection and love and tell her pretty she is. Not a day goes by that I don't hold her and tell her a beautiful she is. ....(love & respect) Tara

[Lucy_Bella]

Tara,
Thanks and hey ,...You are very fortunate and I know you realize that.. I sence a little ensecurity from Suzie and it's not a bad thing and I am sure it's very normal..
It appears she is afraid of losing you , I hope you can understand where I am coming from I say this because she was commenting some about her own appearance , that and her friend losing her husband to another guy .. I hope I am not prying too much but it seems the issue at hand is minor and can be easily worked out over a cup of coffee.. My wife spent 20 plus years having me being a gay man in the back of her mind . Thats a long time to worry about someone who only enjoyed wearing female clothing ,not seaching gay porn sites or finding strange numbers in my phone from other men because that never had and never will happen. But to each thier own I'm as straight as I have ever been.

Build that trust let her know you there to stay..:D.

[sandra-leigh]

1. Why do we post photos here? I dare to say that for most of us it's simply a vanity thing.

Some of the dressers I know like to show off their efforts. Some of the dressers like to illustrate to others that it is possible to go out in society dressed and enjoy yourself and be accepted. Some of the dressers take a lot of pictures and study the pictures in detail in order to figure out how to most convincingly look female; such dressers also tend to study not only the pictures of women but also the pictures of other dressers so as to see the techniques other dressers have succeeded with. Some of the dressers take pictures so that they can look at them to help them get through until the next time they can dress. Some of the dressers take pictures of themselves because they are thrilled by the image of themselves as female. Others have other reasons, I am sure.

In thinking about the dressers I know personally and who do not especially take pictures of themselves, there are two notable sub-groups: one being those who are fairly insecure about themselves as dressers, and the other being those of pretty much retirement age who have decided that it is Time that they lived as they please and perhaps even quietly transitioning. Other people have other reasons; I am speaking of the ones I've met "in the flesh".

I am in a relative minority: I am relatively secure about my cross-dressing and pretty public about it, and I am not of retirement age, but I take very few pictures of myself. My dressing is, for me, a inner personal necessity that is largely about how I feel; and I experience my dressing by living it daily rather than by taking pictures of it. That's what works for me, but it is not a path that works for all that many people. Taking pictures is, I think, more common than not.

[Tara1967]

Yes Sandra leigh, I agree with you.(love & respect) Tara

[t-girlxsophie]

Such a trying situation for both of you,we all whether we have understanding SO or not feel for you both.I'm sorry i dont have anything insightful to add,Just can say from my experiences with my wife that the best times of my Cding life are when we have our girlie nights,Its our time to just relax and enjoy each other,maybe leave the sites to the side and concentrate on each other,even if you only get a chance to be Tara now and again

I understand your cynacism but there is hetro SOs out their who DO understand their other half's CDing,I believe in my wife and her acceptance 110% and she me,I don't pass at all but no CDer should feel any less worthy due to that Ive put some pics here but I've also put my wife's pic up too its more a case for me to see how I'm looking not for sexual/ego trip,we both make sure we talk things over before any new experiences I may want to pursue,Communication Is the Key

I hope things can turn round for you both and I wish you all the very best,take care

:hugs:Sophie

[DonnaT]

But I am having a bad night for my wife Suzie flipping on me giving support for almost 5 months and then act like she has just found out about my cd'ing.

I feel like such a fool to have married this woman. I am not mad at her. I am mad at myself for marrying her.


WHOA! Draw back the reigns and stop the wagon from falling off the cliff.

You sound awfully mad, Tara. Anger accomplishes nothing.

From Suzie's post, it doesn't feel like she flipped her support. My wife of 35 yrs has flip flopped too many times to count. We are still married, and in the last six years even been out with me dressed.

All good things come to those who are patient enough to wait, and keep the lines of communication open.

OK, you were dealing with being a CD by not dressing. Suzie opened that door again. You've had fun with it. Together!!

She's found one aspect she can't deal with right now. ONE! Sharing Tara with others.

Y'all need to take time to calmly talk about this. Took 29 years for my wife to go out with me enfemme.

Suzie, my wife had the same worries. Still does. But after being out with me, she learned to trust that all her fears were unwarranted. Doesn't stop the worrying, but it's eased it enough that she has no problem if I went out on my own.

Trust goes a long way.

Talk things out. Figure out a way to get out together to conquer your fears.

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Tara
I have followed this story from the start and have got the distinct impression that your mind is already made up to dump the relationship.
Now I have no idea more than anyone else as to all the details of this situation but hey: is it not worth talking this out and trying to find a solution.

It strikes me that there is room for compromise here if you both look for it.
If you both get a buzz out of your dressing why not keep it in house and stay out of the chat rooms if only to please your wife.
We will all still be here if Suzie ever get to be more comfortable with the CD sites.

I shall make the assumption that you know who and what you are but, put yourself in her shoes and accept that she does not and cannot be certain of anything. Some aspects are going to be quite daunting and the unknown is scary.

You need to keep talking and for the time being put your feelings second.
Good luck to you both.:hugs:
PJ

[docrobbysherry]

And moving on to your relationship, Tara and Suzie!

Here's something that MAY help u. I have been to therapists twice with 2 women. There were SIMILAR moments in both.

U know? When a LITE BULB suddenly flashes in your mind?:confused2:

The first lady wanted us to get married, I didn't. She decided a therapist could help us work it out. The first question the therapist asked was, " Do u love her?" My answer was, " No". ( Lite bulb!) The session and relationship were BOTH OVER! :eek:

My ex was a very emotional, excitable woman. We had MANY differences, but managed to work thru them for nearly 10 years. When we couldn't anymore, we went to a therapist. When she finally got to the compromises my ex mite need to do to save our marriage, my ex said, " I'm NOT interested in making any compromises!" ( Lite bulb!) End of therapy, end of marriage!:doh:

My point being, as long as you're BOTH interested in compromising, u can make your relationship work. If one of u is done then probably, so's your relationship!:sad:

[Miss Misery]

From Suzie's post, it doesn't feel like she flipped her support.

She's found one aspect she can't deal with right now.

That's not what I gathered from Suzie's post at all. And, when combined with what Tara said earlier, RE: demeaning commentary by Suzie, it sounds like she's had a big change of heart.


Reply from Tara’s wife, Suzie-a GG:
-my girlfriend met a bi-sexual man there. She knew he was bi, but they dated, fell in love and got married. They were very happy. They even had a son together. After almost 10 years of marriage-he left her…for another man. He had told her when they got married that he was through with men. Apparently not. She was devastated.
I have never forgotten this, and this story has significant relevance to why I feel the way I do now.

Suzie - that was two other people in a separate relationship from your own and has no relevance to you and Tara except to be a story. There are plenty of stories on this site as well - some positive and some not so positive. But the only one that means anything is the one between you and Tara so let this thing go.


But relating my acceptance (to my husband) of CD’s in the women’s bathrooms at these bars; seeing a CD @ Kmart 1 day and not thinking another thing about it, etc…..WAS WHY Tara came out to me.
Yes, (to quote ReineD): I DO “have a nagging suspicion that our SOs post all their pics in order to attract men, since this would likely be a GG's motive for doing the same”. WHY? 1) Because that would be the ONLY reason I would post NUMEROUS “sexy” pics of MYSELF on any website.

CD's are NOT GG's so that's not a fair comparison and I don't think every GG that puts sexy pics of themselves onthe web is looking to "hookup" with someone. Many are just fishing for compliments - just like Tara might be. That includes the pics - CDing is a very visual thing for most of us!

2) Because Tara gets excited whenever another CD (a man) compliments how she looks.

So Tara doesn't feel excited when GG's comment on how pretty she looks? (If they did?) Are you sure it's not the compliment itslef that Tara likes. Not the source


3) How would my husband feel if I was getting 5 to 6 compliments/profile views a day? Tara says, “But, they are CD’s!!!”….I say-they are still MEN with P******!” …..Who knows what SOME of them are feeling about sexy Tara-but must refrain-or be kicked off this website.

What they might be feeling is "THEIR PROBLEM". The same thing can be happening to GG's at the grocery store or wherever. Should they all make sure they wear Burkas to keep it from happening (often w/o their knowledge)? No - it's someone else's problem.


I am so in love with my husband, and I love Tara. I DO WANT him to continue to “BE TARA” whenever he wants to.


That seems to be the most important part of your post, so go with that and work forward.

[Tara1967]

thanks docrobbysherri, for your message. Yes compromise is the key. As far as my dressing, I wanted more than just dressing up with nowhere to go. So I came here, then learned of SCC. I thought it would be great and she was behind me all tha way. Then snapped for a compliment I got on here....(love & respect) Tara

thanks miss misery for your post. My wife was with me all the way. thanks.........Tara

[ReineD]

I can't see Tara's OP anymore, and all I can see of post #9 is that Suzy posted (Or did Tara post Suzy's words?), but now the content is gone so I'm at a loss to see what was posted and by whom.

First, Tara & Suzy, under NO circumstances should you both share an account. This could result in getting banned from the forum. Suzy, please do register under your own name, and both of you read the rules.

Second, Suzy I fully understand what you are saying. And in my experience, relationships with a CDing husband are successful when the husband can come to understand his wife's POV and remember that she has no concept of what it's like to be TG, nor does she understand in the beginning of it all what TGs are after when they post pics of themselves seeking compliments from other CDs (who as Suzy aptly pointed out, are still GMs underneath it all).

Third, Tara, please read again Dona T's post, respect her experience, and heed her advice. It is valuable. Your wife is supportive, but you're going too fast for her right now. Your wife needs time to understand your needs to be validated by others. To say that you are sorry you married her because she has trouble understanding your excitement over getting compliments from CDs does not bode well for your futures together. Your wife is having a very natural reaction for someone who is new to all of this. She needs time, understanding, patience, and most of all she needs to know that you care at least as much, if not more, about her feelings of insecurity right now than getting compliments from others.

[Tara1967]

I took them all down. I will get Suzie to create her own account. I was causing more greif than good. I was searching for help. We are both depressed...Tara

[ReineD]

Tara, I'm sorry you feel this way. Sometimes it's hard to see the truth, but if you can get past a few bumps in the road right now, and come to appreciate that your wife is supportive but that she needs you to slow down a little, I'm sure there will be nothing but good things for you in the future. :hugs:

I'm locking the thread now since you've deleted your posts.