Marla GG
08-31-2005, 04:27 PM
As an accepting GG, I often get requests for advice on how to come out to a wife or girlfriend. Here is an article I recently wrote on the subject. I hope you find it helpful.
How to Tell Your Partner
How do I introduce the woman in my life to the woman in me? Most crossdressers are faced with this situation at some point in their lives, and most feel understandably anxious about it. We have all heard the horror stories of wives and girlfriends leaving and families being torn apart. But the truth is, few relationships end because of crossdressing. Couples can, and do, come to an understanding that both partners can live with. Telling your significant other about this part of you may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but what is the alternative? Living a life of deceit? Trying to suppress your needs and deny who you are? Accepting the risk that she will find out by accident? It is much better to tell the woman you love about your crossdressing than to keep it a secret. By telling her yourself, honestly and openly, you greatly increase the chance of finding acceptance.
Some crossdressers would rather not have “the talk” with their wife or girlfriend. They want to know if they can broach the subject in a lighter way instead, by dropping hints or making jokes. Or they wonder if perhaps they should leave some evidence lying around to be found. The answer to both of these questions is NO. Your partner’s reaction to hints and casual references will tell you very little about her true feelings, and an unexpected discovery will almost certainly result in confusion and misunderstandings. The best way to handle this potentially volatile subject is to have a conversation about it. Tell your partner that you have something important to discuss with her, and that you need to schedule some uninterrupted time to talk. If possible, choose an occasion when she is not under excessive stress and when other things in your relationship and your life are going well. When you sit down with her, do it in your normal male clothes and don’t bring pictures or outfits to show her. There will be time for that later, if all goes well.
It is very important that you prepare for this conversation. Before you come out to your partner, you need to do your homework. Read all you can about crossdressing and gender issues, and give some serious thought to your own crossdressing and what it means to you. You may even want to make some notes that you can refer to during your talk. Your partner is going to have a lot of questions for you, and you should be ready to answer them. This will be easier if you have first learned to accept yourself as a crossdresser and are comfortable discussing your feelings and desires. If you are embarrassed to talk about this, how can you hope to make her comfortable with it? Joining a transgender social group or online discussion forum and talking with other crossdressers may help you get over your shyness and can be good practice.
What you say to her is up to you, but you should be honest and answer her questions as best you can. Let her direct the conversation if possible. Don’t overload her with new information until she has absorbed what you have already told her. She is not your therapist or your priest, and your goal should not be to unburden yourself, but to help her understand you. Above all, listen to her! Most problems that arise over your crossdressing will be due to the beliefs and assumptions she holds about it and the fears she has. The more you learn about those, the better you will be able to assist her in overcoming them. You should also assemble some educational materials for her in the form of web links, articles, and books. Do not force them on her, but make them available if she is willing to look at them.
What should you expect when you tell her? No two women will react in exactly the same way, but it is very common for wife or girlfriend to feel shocked and confused when she first finds out. Also, depending on how long you have kept your crossdressing hidden from her, she may feel angry that you did not tell her before, and hurt that you did not trust her enough to confide in her. Often the hiding or lying is more painful for a woman to cope with than the knowledge that her partner is a crossdresser. All that you can do about this is sincerely apologize and try to explain why you did not tell her before. She may be able to understand that you did not tell her because you were afraid of losing her, and that you believed your desire to dress would go away. Help her to understand that for most of your life this has been a very private part of you that you have kept secret from everyone. She may still feel betrayed by your dishonesty, and she has a right to feel that way. Listen to her and acknowledge her feelings.
Unfortunately, she may be so overwhelmed that she cannot sort out her thoughts or articulate what she is feeling. Therefore, it may be helpful for you to be aware of some of the most common questions that women have when they learn their partner likes to wear women’s clothes. Familiarize yourself with them and be prepared to reassure her or at least discuss these issues honestly.
• Are you gay or bisexual?
• Do you want to become a woman? Do you want breast implants or surgery?
• Are you mentally ill? Do you need to see a doctor?
• Are you going to try to stop?
• Is this some kind of kinky sex fetish?
• What will our neighbors/friends/employers/children think if they find out?
• Who can I talk to about this? I feel so alone!
• Wearing women’s clothes seems morally wrong to me.
• Aren’t you satisfied with me? What have I done wrong? Don’t you find me desirable?
• Can we have ever a “normal” marriage/relationship again?
• Will I still get to spend time with the man I love?
• What will happen to us if I accept this? What will happen to us if I don’t?
Be patient in dealing with her concerns. Allow her time to think, and do not press her for immediate acceptance. If she does tell you that she understands and still loves you, tell her how much that means to you. But do not overestimate her degree of acceptance based on her initial response. There are many reasons why she may give you the impression that she is comfortable with your crossdressing when in fact she is not. Perhaps she is concerned about you and does not want you to feel rejected. Perhaps she is afraid of being rejected herself. Perhaps she simply feels stunned and emotionally drained, and is looking for the easiest way to end the conversation without getting into an argument. Delayed reactions are very common.
Until some time has passed and you are sure of her true feelings, it is not a good idea to move forward. Don’t dress in front of her, or even show her pictures, until she tells you she is ready for that. Don’t start buying new clothes, wigs, and makeup either. At this crucial point in your relationship, it is best to put your dressing on hold as much as possible while she comes to terms with it. A little patience will go a long way in avoiding the “backlash” that sometimes follows initial acceptance. Usually this backlash is caused by moving too quickly, before your partner has even begun to cope with her feelings.
It is very important for you to reassure your partner that you have not changed and that you are still the same person she knows and loves. She also needs to hear that your relationship is not endangered by your dressing and that you have no plans to leave her. However, you should be clear about the fact that you cannot give this up. It is not a mere hobby that you can choose to pursue or not. There is no “cure” for crossdressing, and the sooner she realizes this, the sooner she can begin to make peace with it. Many women retreat into a state of denial about their partner’s crossdressing and spend the rest of their lives trying to wish it away or simply demand that it stop. They think that if they refuse to tolerate it, it will disappear. This attitude is a tremendous barrier to progress for couples.
If you have the opportunity to do so, you should try to make your partner aware of the positive aspects of your crossdressing, whatever those may be for you. Help her to understand that many of your best qualities reside with to your feminine side—qualities such as sensitivity, tenderness, empathy, helpfulness, and patience. Make sure she knows that expressing your femininity makes you feel relaxed, happy, and fulfilled, while suppressing it causes stress, anxiety, and irritability.
For most women, it is easier to accept partial crossdressing than a full transformation. Wearing a few items of clothing is one thing, but looking like a woman is something else entirely and may be frightening and uncomfortable for her. Be understanding of this and plan on taking small steps when introducing your partner to your femme self. Lingerie is often perceived as less threatening than outer clothing, but if you choose to wear a complete outfit, choose a tasteful one. Avoid appearing in front of your partner in clothing that is too sexually provocative or presents a degrading image of femininity. Among the most difficult things for women to accept are breast forms, wigs, and makeup, so be sensitive and ask your partner whether she feels ready to see you in them.
Although it is not a good idea to go into the discussion with preconceived idea of what will be accomplished, you should nevertheless be prepared to talk about limits and boundaries if she suggests them. Try not to argue over the limits that she insists on at this stage. If what she is willing to accept is less than what you need or had hoped for, there will be time for negotiation later. Her boundaries will probably shift over time as she learns more and becomes more comfortable with your dressing. For now, do your best to honor any wishes she may express. If she doesn’t want to see you dressed, fine. If she doesn’t want you leaving the house dressed, fine. If she can accept certain items of clothing but not others, at least that’s a start. Thank her for any degree of acceptance she shows you. Tell her how much you love her and how very relieved you are that you no longer have to hide your true self. Full acceptance does not usually come overnight, but telling your partner about your crossdressing in a loving and sensitive way is the first step toward that goal.
Suggested educational materials for partners
http://www.ren.org/
The "Myths and Misconceptions about Crossdressers" and the "Reasons for Male to Female Crossdressing" pages originally posted by Marla are no longer on the site, but I've kept the main index page here since they do have other resources.
The pages are available here:
Myths and Misconceptions about Crossdressers: http://web.archive.org/web/20100108095326/http://www.ren.org/rbp01.html
Reasons for Male to Female Crossdressing: http://web.archive.org/web/20090415054517/http://ren.org/rbp02.html
http://gendertree.com/Helping%20Wives%20Of%20Cross%20Dresers.htm Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope from the Phi Epsilon Mu chapter of Tri Ess
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/8505/sg_wifeletter.html A Letter to a Wife (Website no longer available)
Now at: http://web.archive.org/web/20090805160415/http://geocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/8505/sg_wifeletter.html
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/forwives.htm
An article for wives by Dixie Darling (the rest of Dixie's site is also highly recommended) (Website no longer available)
Now at: http://web.archive.org/web/20090403125023/http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/forwives.htm
© Marla Morley 2005
EDIT - Another highly recommended resource is the book, "My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser" by Helen Boyd. It can be found in any major bookstore. - Reine
How to Tell Your Partner
How do I introduce the woman in my life to the woman in me? Most crossdressers are faced with this situation at some point in their lives, and most feel understandably anxious about it. We have all heard the horror stories of wives and girlfriends leaving and families being torn apart. But the truth is, few relationships end because of crossdressing. Couples can, and do, come to an understanding that both partners can live with. Telling your significant other about this part of you may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but what is the alternative? Living a life of deceit? Trying to suppress your needs and deny who you are? Accepting the risk that she will find out by accident? It is much better to tell the woman you love about your crossdressing than to keep it a secret. By telling her yourself, honestly and openly, you greatly increase the chance of finding acceptance.
Some crossdressers would rather not have “the talk” with their wife or girlfriend. They want to know if they can broach the subject in a lighter way instead, by dropping hints or making jokes. Or they wonder if perhaps they should leave some evidence lying around to be found. The answer to both of these questions is NO. Your partner’s reaction to hints and casual references will tell you very little about her true feelings, and an unexpected discovery will almost certainly result in confusion and misunderstandings. The best way to handle this potentially volatile subject is to have a conversation about it. Tell your partner that you have something important to discuss with her, and that you need to schedule some uninterrupted time to talk. If possible, choose an occasion when she is not under excessive stress and when other things in your relationship and your life are going well. When you sit down with her, do it in your normal male clothes and don’t bring pictures or outfits to show her. There will be time for that later, if all goes well.
It is very important that you prepare for this conversation. Before you come out to your partner, you need to do your homework. Read all you can about crossdressing and gender issues, and give some serious thought to your own crossdressing and what it means to you. You may even want to make some notes that you can refer to during your talk. Your partner is going to have a lot of questions for you, and you should be ready to answer them. This will be easier if you have first learned to accept yourself as a crossdresser and are comfortable discussing your feelings and desires. If you are embarrassed to talk about this, how can you hope to make her comfortable with it? Joining a transgender social group or online discussion forum and talking with other crossdressers may help you get over your shyness and can be good practice.
What you say to her is up to you, but you should be honest and answer her questions as best you can. Let her direct the conversation if possible. Don’t overload her with new information until she has absorbed what you have already told her. She is not your therapist or your priest, and your goal should not be to unburden yourself, but to help her understand you. Above all, listen to her! Most problems that arise over your crossdressing will be due to the beliefs and assumptions she holds about it and the fears she has. The more you learn about those, the better you will be able to assist her in overcoming them. You should also assemble some educational materials for her in the form of web links, articles, and books. Do not force them on her, but make them available if she is willing to look at them.
What should you expect when you tell her? No two women will react in exactly the same way, but it is very common for wife or girlfriend to feel shocked and confused when she first finds out. Also, depending on how long you have kept your crossdressing hidden from her, she may feel angry that you did not tell her before, and hurt that you did not trust her enough to confide in her. Often the hiding or lying is more painful for a woman to cope with than the knowledge that her partner is a crossdresser. All that you can do about this is sincerely apologize and try to explain why you did not tell her before. She may be able to understand that you did not tell her because you were afraid of losing her, and that you believed your desire to dress would go away. Help her to understand that for most of your life this has been a very private part of you that you have kept secret from everyone. She may still feel betrayed by your dishonesty, and she has a right to feel that way. Listen to her and acknowledge her feelings.
Unfortunately, she may be so overwhelmed that she cannot sort out her thoughts or articulate what she is feeling. Therefore, it may be helpful for you to be aware of some of the most common questions that women have when they learn their partner likes to wear women’s clothes. Familiarize yourself with them and be prepared to reassure her or at least discuss these issues honestly.
• Are you gay or bisexual?
• Do you want to become a woman? Do you want breast implants or surgery?
• Are you mentally ill? Do you need to see a doctor?
• Are you going to try to stop?
• Is this some kind of kinky sex fetish?
• What will our neighbors/friends/employers/children think if they find out?
• Who can I talk to about this? I feel so alone!
• Wearing women’s clothes seems morally wrong to me.
• Aren’t you satisfied with me? What have I done wrong? Don’t you find me desirable?
• Can we have ever a “normal” marriage/relationship again?
• Will I still get to spend time with the man I love?
• What will happen to us if I accept this? What will happen to us if I don’t?
Be patient in dealing with her concerns. Allow her time to think, and do not press her for immediate acceptance. If she does tell you that she understands and still loves you, tell her how much that means to you. But do not overestimate her degree of acceptance based on her initial response. There are many reasons why she may give you the impression that she is comfortable with your crossdressing when in fact she is not. Perhaps she is concerned about you and does not want you to feel rejected. Perhaps she is afraid of being rejected herself. Perhaps she simply feels stunned and emotionally drained, and is looking for the easiest way to end the conversation without getting into an argument. Delayed reactions are very common.
Until some time has passed and you are sure of her true feelings, it is not a good idea to move forward. Don’t dress in front of her, or even show her pictures, until she tells you she is ready for that. Don’t start buying new clothes, wigs, and makeup either. At this crucial point in your relationship, it is best to put your dressing on hold as much as possible while she comes to terms with it. A little patience will go a long way in avoiding the “backlash” that sometimes follows initial acceptance. Usually this backlash is caused by moving too quickly, before your partner has even begun to cope with her feelings.
It is very important for you to reassure your partner that you have not changed and that you are still the same person she knows and loves. She also needs to hear that your relationship is not endangered by your dressing and that you have no plans to leave her. However, you should be clear about the fact that you cannot give this up. It is not a mere hobby that you can choose to pursue or not. There is no “cure” for crossdressing, and the sooner she realizes this, the sooner she can begin to make peace with it. Many women retreat into a state of denial about their partner’s crossdressing and spend the rest of their lives trying to wish it away or simply demand that it stop. They think that if they refuse to tolerate it, it will disappear. This attitude is a tremendous barrier to progress for couples.
If you have the opportunity to do so, you should try to make your partner aware of the positive aspects of your crossdressing, whatever those may be for you. Help her to understand that many of your best qualities reside with to your feminine side—qualities such as sensitivity, tenderness, empathy, helpfulness, and patience. Make sure she knows that expressing your femininity makes you feel relaxed, happy, and fulfilled, while suppressing it causes stress, anxiety, and irritability.
For most women, it is easier to accept partial crossdressing than a full transformation. Wearing a few items of clothing is one thing, but looking like a woman is something else entirely and may be frightening and uncomfortable for her. Be understanding of this and plan on taking small steps when introducing your partner to your femme self. Lingerie is often perceived as less threatening than outer clothing, but if you choose to wear a complete outfit, choose a tasteful one. Avoid appearing in front of your partner in clothing that is too sexually provocative or presents a degrading image of femininity. Among the most difficult things for women to accept are breast forms, wigs, and makeup, so be sensitive and ask your partner whether she feels ready to see you in them.
Although it is not a good idea to go into the discussion with preconceived idea of what will be accomplished, you should nevertheless be prepared to talk about limits and boundaries if she suggests them. Try not to argue over the limits that she insists on at this stage. If what she is willing to accept is less than what you need or had hoped for, there will be time for negotiation later. Her boundaries will probably shift over time as she learns more and becomes more comfortable with your dressing. For now, do your best to honor any wishes she may express. If she doesn’t want to see you dressed, fine. If she doesn’t want you leaving the house dressed, fine. If she can accept certain items of clothing but not others, at least that’s a start. Thank her for any degree of acceptance she shows you. Tell her how much you love her and how very relieved you are that you no longer have to hide your true self. Full acceptance does not usually come overnight, but telling your partner about your crossdressing in a loving and sensitive way is the first step toward that goal.
Suggested educational materials for partners
http://www.ren.org/
The "Myths and Misconceptions about Crossdressers" and the "Reasons for Male to Female Crossdressing" pages originally posted by Marla are no longer on the site, but I've kept the main index page here since they do have other resources.
The pages are available here:
Myths and Misconceptions about Crossdressers: http://web.archive.org/web/20100108095326/http://www.ren.org/rbp01.html
Reasons for Male to Female Crossdressing: http://web.archive.org/web/20090415054517/http://ren.org/rbp02.html
http://gendertree.com/Helping%20Wives%20Of%20Cross%20Dresers.htm Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope from the Phi Epsilon Mu chapter of Tri Ess
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/8505/sg_wifeletter.html A Letter to a Wife (Website no longer available)
Now at: http://web.archive.org/web/20090805160415/http://geocities.com/WestHollywood/Stonewall/8505/sg_wifeletter.html
http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/forwives.htm
An article for wives by Dixie Darling (the rest of Dixie's site is also highly recommended) (Website no longer available)
Now at: http://web.archive.org/web/20090403125023/http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/forwives.htm
© Marla Morley 2005
EDIT - Another highly recommended resource is the book, "My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser" by Helen Boyd. It can be found in any major bookstore. - Reine