The Wife Finally Knows The Truth

[Christy_M]

I new this was coming for quite some time and Finally, I have had the courage to talk with my wife. As I mentioned in my previous posts, she had told me five (or so) years ago that if I didn't quit, she would divorce me.

I don't know if it was newfound courage from the drive home from Los Angeles or if I just wanted to get it off my chest but we talked last night for quite a while. I had already prepared a script for this occasion and knew everything I wanted to convey to her. When we talked, the script was tucked away out of sight but I remembered most of what was in it.

We cried, she was angry, hurt, disappointed and slightly relieved that I wasn't having an affair. I told her I was already in therapy and that this was not going to go away. My need to express this part of me is too great and most of the problems we have had were probably related to my suppressing this part of me. She wants me to find Jesus again so he might be able to cure me.

Today, she told me she doesn't know what to do or where to turn. She asked quite a few more questions about whether I am gay or may want to be a woman. I told her I didn't think so on both counts but didn't want to lie and say I knew for sure. I kn ow she is very confused and conflicted right now but she didn't toss me out on my ear so I am feeling pretty good about that. I will keep everyone posted as things develop.

[Jason+]

While I am not sure Jesus can cure something I am yet to be convinced he didn't put in on purpose I am happy to hear that both you stood your ground and admitted to her that it isn't going to go away and that it didn't mean the immediate end for your marriage.

[Persephone]

Well, Christy, at least it is out on the table right now and y'all can deal with it instead of all of the fear and guilt. And that has to be a good thing.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Rachel Morley]

She wants me to find Jesus again so he might be able to cure me.
Unfortunately, I very much doubt even he will be able to "cure" you. I commend you for being honest and open with your wife but as you yourself said, this isn't going to go away. Hopefully you both will be able to find some common ground and continue to love one another and stay together ... true love conquers all - right? :hugs:

[Sallee]

Good Luck,but with the cure by Jesus comment I wouldn't be to optimistic and might be looking for a good divorce lawyer. Maybe therapy for both of you could help.
Good Luck

[AKAMichelle]

Jesus can cure anything. But the implied intent of the comment is that cd'ing is so bad that it needs curing. The problem I have with it is God knows everything before we do it. We have free will to make choices. So why would God make us TG if it weren't for some purpose. We may never know the purpose but it doesn't change that there is a purpose for it. Since we don't know the purpose behind it, how can we determine if it is bad or good.

[sissystephanie]

Sorry if this comes across kind of tough, but it is the only way I know of to say these things!

I have no idea how old you are or how long you have been a CD. But I do know one thing for sure! You are a man, and you married your wife as a man! Either you want to be a man and stay married, or you don't! If you really want to be a man, than let her know that!! In every way you can.

I started as a panty wearing CD at age 6. When I first got totally dressed to go out in public I was in my late teens! I knew then that I never wanted to become a woman, and still feel the same way! I told my late wife I was a CD before we married, and she accepted me "as is" with the provision that I always remember that I was her man!! We had almost 50 years together!

If you don't know how you feel, you definitely need to consult a therapist! One who specializes in gender disorder therapy!

BTW, I do agree with Michelle!!

[Stacy L]

.




Christy, Maybe Jesus could help her accept you as you are.




:)

[Tara1967]

let us know in about 2 or 5 months will heracceptance be the same?

[Christy_M]

Sorry if this comes across kind of tough, but it is the only way I know of to say these things!

I have no idea how old you are or how long you have been a CD. But I do know one thing for sure! You are a man, and you married your wife as a man!!!

It doesn't come across as tough. I appreciate the feedback. I am 45 and the first time I can remember being in a dress was when I was 4. The first time I knowingly put on girls shoes was when I was 7 or 8. I have struggled with the shame, guilt, purging, et al for most of my life. I know very well what I am and I know all too well the labels that have been put on me (us) over the years. Some people come across as self righteous because they had the balls to talk openly about this to their loved ones while a good number of us stay confused for years trying to figure all this out.

I am a man. I have this huge physiological(?) or psychological(?) or emotional(?) monkey on my back that has affected my life for over forty years. My wife deserves to be with someone who can take care of her the way she needs. I hope that is me but would never expect that she has to accept this part of me. Unfortunately, this part of me comes with the rest of me.

The one thing I have noticed here is that there is no "one size fits all" answer to everyone's struggle with being transgendered (or whatever stage of cross dressing they may find themselves). It would be great if we all had the courage you showed in coming out before your marriage. From your other posts I have gathered you two shared a great life together. I commend you for that and hope the best for you. I have had two previous marriages where one knew and the other didn't. In both cases my feeling about this aspect of my life never got better...even as my first wife and I enjoyed Christy for quite a few years.

I am fairly certain that if my current wife were to toss me out, I would ultimately find another woman to spend my life with. That would probably start without talking about Christy. Not because she doesn't exist but because she is not what a "normal" man brings to a relationship. Of course this is both my opinion and my hell that I have to carry with me through the rest of my days.

I say all this to say "please accept me (and everyone else on this board) for who we are because I believe most of us don't believe anyone else will. I came here for community of similar (not the identical) souls in order to find peace and solace in other's stories and experiences. Just because we don't handle this aspect of our lives the same way doesn't make us less worthy of happiness with those we love and want to be with.

[trisha11]

I have tried everything that I can think of to quit dressing as well. I never tried Jesus but in my opinion that wouldnt work either, this is who we are, for what ever reason we were made this way, born this way. I have learned to accept this and to try and make this as much or as little a part of my life as possible. It took great courage to talk to your wife about it, I wish you well and hope it all works out for you with her.

[sissystephanie]

I have struggled with the shame, guilt, purging, et al for most of my life. I am a man. I have this huge physiological(?) or psychological(?) or emotional(?) monkey on my back that has affected my life for over forty years. My wife deserves to be with someone who can take care of her the way she needs. I hope that is me but would never expect that she has to accept this part of me. Unfortunately, this part of me comes with the rest of me.

I am fairly certain that if my current wife were to toss me out, I would ultimately find another woman to spend my life with. That would probably start without talking about Christy. Not because she doesn't exist but because she is not what a "normal" man brings to a relationship. Of course this is both my opinion and my hell that I have to carry with me through the rest of my days.

Christy, if you have a "monkey" on your back, who put it there? You know as well as I do that you put it there yourself! No one else did!

And don't talk about Christy not being what a "normal" man brings to a relationship. Christy is part of you, just as Stephanie is part of me. The fact that we dress enfemme is part of that, and is actually very normal! You say that it is your opinion and your "hell" that you have to carry with you. It may be your opinion, but it is only your "hell" if you let it be. Please believe me, I do know what I am talking about.

Early on in my life I went thru some of the same stuff you are going thru now. I was much younger of course, but still had a lot of the same thoughts, just without a wife! I just made the decision that I was me, and my life was my problem and mine only. If people don't like me being a CD that is their problem, not mine! In the 70 years that I have been one it has never resulted in anything that I could not handle! No fights, or anything like that.

BTW, my late wife and I were married for almost 50 years but had known each other most of our lives. However, she did not know I was a CD until I proposed to her. I never dressed openly when I was very young! Oh yes, I do have two children, both of whom are older than you and they do know that I am a CD. They just would rather not see me dressed completely enfemme!

[mishmam32]

Wow, I'm loving the opinions on this subject.
I have been struggling with this for years. I have been married 4 years, but have known my wife for 14 years. I have been close to telling her several times but I really am worried about what she will do. They have an image of you, that's what they married. I think of how I would feel if she had a 25year old secret that she sprung on me. I would feel betrayed, I don't know what I would do, maybe that's why I struggle with this.

[Shananigans]

I'm really sorry that your wife reacted that way. I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy and that your therapist is qualified enough to let you know that this is NOT something going away. You don't need a cure.

Perhaps your wife can go to a therapy session with you to help you guys talk about this more constructively.

My thoughts are with you and I hope things get better and she begins to understand and accept this aspect of who you are.

[tgirl2b]

God doesn't make mistakes! He made you who you are for a reason.

[Delenn]

If god gave us such a great gift with born, who we are to denial gods will? Remember that bible is translated by men and by theire will. My suggestion is... stop destroy yourself and acsept your trueself proudly:hugs:

[Sally24]

No matter how much trouble it seems to bring with it, I think honesty is always the best choice! At least now you should have some chance of dealing with your own guilt and other issues. Being transgendered was not your choice, it just is. How you deal with it is up to you. Hopefully your wife can try to find some way to fit it into her world.

Good luck.....

[kimdl93]

I think you've done everything reasonable. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy. It would be helpful for your wife to participate or seek professional counseling as well. She needs help in deal with the realities of your shared situation.

[JulieC]

.

Christy, Maybe Jesus could help her accept you as you are.

:)

Score!

I'm with others on the Jesus comment. Jesus made me just the way I am, and I will not understand the full meaning and depth of that until I'm in heaven. Until then, I sometimes think of my transgendered spirit as a means to a greater understanding of the soul.

I know this; nobody who is a crossdresser is 'sick' or 'broken' such that they need to be 'cured' of crossdressing.

As if.

[bianca66]

I am also one under the understanding that "everything happens in God's world for a reason". I no longer try to use my will to change things but just let everything work out the way they were intended.

[Ruth]

Bringing Jesus into the situation will make things better but it may not give your wife the result she wants. I am a committed Christian as well as a CDer and the healing that I got through Jesus was to accept and express my CDing. I think my wife is a long way towards accepting it too, but still finds it hard (life isn't easy, is it?).

[Christy_M]

Score!


I know this; nobody who is a crossdresser is 'sick' or 'broken' such that they need to be 'cured' of crossdressing.

As if.

I am coming to realize this. I really thought this was limited in community and until the last 15 years or so, I thought there would never be more than a half dozen others in the world including me. Accepting myself is critical to my mental well being, I get that, it just goes so far against what I have believed for my entire life.

I have off handedly talked with pastors and others in (different) church. Without getting myself in front of this, I asked about people who do it and heard staements like "abomination," "aborration," "devil's mischief," and "going straight to hell" are probably the most memorable. Between society and the experiences I have found in the churches on this matter, there shouldn't be any wonder why I have buried this part of me so deep.

I hope in time I can realize the same serenity many of you have gained through your personal acceptance of who you are. Being here, on this forum and meeting all of you and hearing your stories and advice has certainly moved me in ways that are immeasurable. I have love in my heart for all of you for all the input and feedback. I can not move forward without challenging my facade and seeing a reality that has only been in my dreams.

Many hugs and blessing to all.

Christy

[docrobbysherry]

Having been married and divorced, it sounds to me like you're on the FIRST STEP of a long staircase. And both of u will have to climb it to stay together!:brolleyes:

A GOOD, EXPERIENCED therapist mite help u both up a few steps!:)

Please DO NOT be duped into telling your story to parties INEXPERIENCED in working with gender difficulties! :sad:

Such folks, while well meaning, MAY take sides, or try to CURE u!:doh:

While experienced therapists will try to find the BEST solution for BOTH of u!:thumbsup:

I TRUST God to do the rite thing! I DON'T trust humans claiming to KNOW what SHE wants, or to be ACTING on HER behalf!:thumbsdn:

[Dana]

What's wrong with wanting to be a girl or "girly?

Doesn't make you a homosexual, a bissexual, a hetersexual ~ or anything other than who and what you are?

It makes you part of who you are?

[Pattie O]

I think the best thing you can do is go slowly and avoid telling others until your wife has told you how she feels and what she is willing (or unwilling) to accept.Then you will have more information at hand to go forwards in your journey.Bon voyage!!:daydreaming::battingeyelashes:

[Emily Ann Brown]

As a minister I have seen Jesus cure addictions and diseases more times that I could count., but as hard as I prayed here I am. He did help me to love myself finally, and the wife that took off because of it.

I am thinking He had a reason for not making my mind match my body.


Em

[suchacutie]

I'm sure it is tough right now, but this is the first step to the solution! I surely hope that the road is easier than it now seems. A couple of thoughts:

I am a committed catholic. In a recent thread, the OP had spoken to a priest (as she was going to church en femme and didn't want to blindside the pastor) and the priest said, and I quote, "It is not a sin to crossdress". That seems to make it pretty straightforward! Many of us here are committed to our religions so you might need to quietly mention this to your wife.

On the other side of the coin, my wife is completely supportive and my rock of refuge for Tina (my femme self). As we worked out who Tina is (we were married 32 years when Tina first appeared in our lives) one of the agreements is that when she wants her man, she gets him. My male side isn't going anywhere, and if that's the same with you, I strongly suggest that you make that very very clear to your wife. I'm sure much of her anxiety is that of losing you as her husband.

Lastly, hang in there. Letting her know you are still her husband and that the world has not been rent asunder will go a long way to keeping her secure and connected.

Tina

[5150 Girl]

While I am not sure Jesus can cure something I am yet to be convinced he didn't put in on purpose

I agree.. We're all children of God, created in his image. He had a reason for making us this way. I think you owe it to Him to explore it and find out his purpus for making you this way.


.
Christy, Maybe Jesus could help her accept you as you are.
:)

Seems like the best bet to me. However, i think when one mixes CDing and Christianity, it gives one the desire to go to church en-fem.

[phyllis Lavender]

I have been in the closet for more than 30 years. I doubt she ever noticed but the were times she suspected. I used to buy her gifts which since we were within 2" height of each other which I could wear e.g. leather coats and jackets.
Regretably she passed away after catching asperation pneumonia.
Since then I came out of the closet and openly addopted a feminime lifestyle.I bought leather pants, satin blouses and bought 3 wigs.
Being 67 years I went for the first time to a beauty salon to have my appearance improved ( eyebrows shaped feminine, nails laquered pale pink, and of course using lipstick.
I met some "sisters" in a restaurant and joined a group of ladies ( some of them were lesbians) who really welcomed me. I went on trips with my new friends.
I am really enjoying my new life style being in public without fear of being recognized. Would love to hear from sisters with similar experience.

[Julogden]

I am fairly certain that if my current wife were to toss me out, I would ultimately find another woman to spend my life with. That would probably start without talking about Christy. Not because she doesn't exist but because she is not what a "normal" man brings to a relationship. Of course this is both my opinion and my hell that I have to carry with me through the rest of my days.



So you intend to make the same mistake twice? :doh:

If you and your wife do decide to go your separate ways, do yourself and any future prospective partners a huge favor and work out your gender issues before getting into any more serious relationships, and be upfront about them. Tell right away, not after the partner has been deceived into thinking that you're not a CD.:straightface:

Carol

[Satrana]

People routinely use their religious beliefs to justify their close mindedness. If your wife believes God is on her side then you have no hope. The fact that she has already given you an ultimatum in the past indicates she is willing to put everything on the line to get her way.

I agree with others - it is your wife's prejudice that needs to be cured not you. But if your church is conservative and backs your wife's POV then the best of luck, you will need it.

[VikkiVixen7188]

I where the same glasses in femme and en masculine and I can see Jesus just fine through them. Id just tell her to piss off and go find someone more deserving of your time.

[Christy_M]

So you intend to make the same mistake twice? :doh:

Carol

It would be the third time. For some reason, I have relied heavily on relationshiops to "cure" me. I know that this is neither probable or possible. I have grown up my whole life believing that there is something wrong with me for this and I still haven't fully accepted myself as Christy. I am sure it will come in time. On the wife front, she is talking seriously about setting boundries so I may be able to keep the love of my life and express Christy with some degree of regularity. I know her concerns and she understands, now, that this will probably never go away. She doesn't want to lose her family over this any more tahn I do so it looks like we might be able to work through it together.

Thanks, again, for all the support and feedback. It sends me further down the path to self acceptance. between this forum and my wife's support, it should be much easier.

Christy

[ReineD]

I am fairly certain that if my current wife were to toss me out, I would ultimately find another woman to spend my life with. That would probably start without talking about Christy. Not because she doesn't exist but because she is not what a "normal" man brings to a relationship. Of course this is both my opinion and my hell that I have to carry with me through the rest of my days.



For some reason, I have relied heavily on relationshiops to "cure" me.

Therein lies the problem. How can you expect a wife to understand, if you don't accept yourself?

More importantly, how can you expect a wife to accept if you cannot tell her for sure whether you will want to become a woman or not, as you stated in your first post?

If you've spent your life trying to purge Christy because you felt she was not a part of a "normal" man's life and that your wives deserved better, it makes sense to me that your repressed feelings have prevented you from fully knowing how far you want to take it. And perhaps the same repressed feelings have caused you to reach a point of over-romanticizing life as a woman, to the point where you do not know if you are TS or not.

I may be off the mark here, but it seems to me that if you had instead given yourself permission to be Christy free of guilt, you might have reached a place of balance and would now be able to also enjoy your male side. This would have made it easier to tell your wife in all honesty that you are a CD, not a TS, and she might not feel so threatened over potentially losing her husband.

If you can't tell your wife that you do want to continue being her husband and you do not intend on living full-time, I'm afraid the likelihood that she will eventually understand and come to accept the CDing is slim. Many wives can and do get over their initial objections once they educate themselves and if they feel the CDing will not threaten their marriages.

Please think about this. It would be a shame to have your marriage end simply because you've repressed Christy too much.

[Gerrijerry]

I have read all the posts on this one and concluded that my wife is correct about you and me and our entire commuity. We will not change, there is no cure when there is nothing wrong.We were born this way and you can deny it all you like. Hide it all you like but that will change nothing it will still be there. My wife didn't like crossdressing because of the hiding and lieing. I did it for years and saw the pain it caused for both of us. Now she has found the solution which I think makes sense. If I can't be a full time male and since I keep getting more and more fem. then I will live as a woman full time. This way as she says there will be no more lieing and hiding. Lets stop blaming even ourselves and everyone else all the way to god. Lets just be what we are and move on with life. I think it is the only way to be accepted by others. Life is confusing enough. I am not saying that this is the answer for everyone but for now in our world I do not see another answer.

[t-girlxsophie]

my Mother tried to "cure" me with God,but It didn't work,I had no hope of understanding from my parents from the start,being that one was strict Scottish Presbyterian and the other a devout Catholic,I met with religious Councellors at that time,and in my first marriage but to no avail

I would think in your situation the only solution will be found without the spectre of religion muddying the waters,I hope it works out in the end for you both

:hugs:Sophie xx

[ReineD]

Now she has found the solution which I think makes sense. If I can't be a full time male and since I keep getting more and more fem. then I will live as a woman full time. This way as she says there will be no more lieing and hiding.

Gerri, I'm glad your wife is so accepting, I really am. :hugs:

But the issue is that many wives do stop their support short of having their husbands live full time femme. I don't know if this is a question of age, if it does get easier after retirement. But I do know that not all women will be able to do this, and so another solution as I see it is (if possible ... if the TG is not TS), to go ahead and express the femme self free of guilt, have lots of time to do this and enjoy it to the fullest, while attempting to also reach a balance with enjoying the male self. Providing of course that a marriage with a wife who is not prepared to share her life with another woman full time is worth it to the TG.

I do want to emphasize this would not work if the TG is transsexual.

[Amanda22]

Christy,

CDing for you (or any of us) isn't going away. How can a part of your core go away? To deny that part of yourself isn't being true to yourself, and another person's intolerance isn't fair to you. You've heard this before, but you're the same person your wife has always known and loved.

I've just very, very recently opened up to my wife who accepts that I'm a crossdresser. She and I are even shopping for girl clothes this weekend. I'm one of the lucky few, apparently. I want this support for you. I've also been going to therapy for a couple of months and I've learned to honor my authentic self. That means accepting everything about myself, including CDing. Once I realized this, I knew I had to have a talk with my wife. It's the scariest thing I've ever done, but it was worth it. And it was the right thing for you to do. I don't think a person can live a fulfilled life without complete self-acceptance. Please learn to love yourself and celebrate every part of you. You deserve it. If others see the positive difference in you, they may just agree with you that everything that makes up Christy is wonderful.

Call me naive, but God loves you just the way you are. (S)he knows all and sees all. You don't need fixing!! Don't allow yourself to be made to feel broken, inferior, or in need of a Jesus-curing. The thought that any of us needs "curing" is ignorant and extremely insulting. Honestly, you would not be the person you are without CDing. If you had a magic wand to remove CDing from your life, would you wave it? Do you honestly want that? I don't and I don't think you do either.

I don't mean to be "preachy". I just want to give support from someone who has recently had the same conversation with their most loved one. It's a corny, overused line, but be true to yourself. At the very least, you must do that.

[Christy_M]

Please think about this. It would be a shame to have your marriage end simply because you've repressed Christy too much.

Wow...I believe that all feedback is cause for self reflection and this valuable nugget has me more confused than I already was. Of course I know this is possible. Could my desire to be normal be pushing me to maintain some peripheral stereotypical manly things so I don't wander to far to the femme side? This will certainly be a topic of my discussion for my therapist next week.

You are right I have romanticized being female as I was growing up. I think that ended years ago but I do still think about what if. I know telling my wife was important for a number of reasons including trying to gain some self acceptance. Maybe now I should figure out how to deal with this new fear that I may not know the end point for quite some time.

The more Christy comes out of her shell, the more I don't understand what it means.