Came out to my wife

[Amanda22]

Hello all,

I've been reading this forum for a couple of weeks as a source of support. I'm impressed with the membership and the well-thought out responses and honesty. You all are great.

I have a wonderful marriage of two years to my wife. She has always celebrated my feminine side as far as personality goes, and I've dropped so many hints about crossdressing while dating and afterwards. However, I never actually told her I've desired to wear female clothing since early in life. This "secret" bothered me greatly; it was the only thing I hadn't been open with her about. Last week, the pressure became so great that I knew the time had come to take the risk of disappointing her. So one morning over coffee I told her that I have always had the urge to wear female clothing and even attended a Tri-Ess meeting in a nearby large city. I almost passed out from the emotional outpouring and was covered in sweat.

Her reaction was so great: she said she wasn't a bit surprised. Then she hugged me and we actually both cried. She said there was nothing I could say that would change how she feels about me. I'm so very fortunate.

My wife said that her only concern is doing anything publicly because that could be dangerous. I was so glad that she took it seriously and she expressed a boundary. She's very clear with her feelings and always tells me what she thinks.

My therapist suggested that I tell her that I want to wear some piece of feminine clothing during the day while I work at home and she's at her office, and that I'd be back to male mode by the time she returned home. She suggested that I ask my wife what she thinks of this. I certainly don't feel right about doing anything behind her back. However, I don't want to move fast. I'm so grateful for this step (which is big to me) and I want to move slowly. If I could just dress at home, that would be so satisfying.

I just wanted to give some good news as a first post this this great group of people!

Love
Mandy

[jackie_p]

Congratulations:

I told my wife about a year and a half ago after 26 years of marriage.
She too has been understanding. The biggest problem she has is that
it took me so long and I lied to her for so many years. I'm sure you
have read here that you should probably discuss this before marriage
but at least you didn't wait 26 years.

I agree with your though on the next step. I suggest that you go
very slowly, even if she is understanding. My wife and I have had numerous
ups and downs over this, even though, as I said she is generally very
understanding.

Good Luck

[Ashley_Marie]

I have seen several others say they came out their wives/girlfriends/etc. and it not going all that great. It is nice to see that not all of them are that way and that some are actually accepting, usually up to a point anyways.

[AKAMichelle]

I am so glad for you. That was a big step and it seems to be working out perfectly for you. Good Luck

[PretzelGirl]

And that is great news Mandy! It sounds very much like you are on a good path. Very, very nice! Keep on loving that wonderful lady and don't ever let her forget it. I am happy for the both of you that it has started smoothly.

[Amanda22]

Thank you Jackie, Gabrielle, Michelle, and Sue, for taking the time to write. I wish you the best as well.

[Jodygurl]

You are indeed luck to be w/ such a woman. Thanks for sharing that and best of luck on your journey.:hugs:

[lacie]

Congrats! My wife also had concerns about dressing outside of the home. Dressing at home is all I need to be content.

[Amanda22]

I honestly feel dressing at home is all I want to do. I would love to go into women's clothing stores and openly purchase for myself. I'm 6 foot 3 inches, 220 pounds, with distinctive Native American features, so I don't think I'd ever pass. I totally respect that passing isn't a requirement for everyone, but I think it would be for me.

I'm so anxiously hoping that my lovely wife's expression of concern over dressing outside the home means she's open to me dressing inside the home. We have yet to discuss that and I don't feel right about doing this without her knowledge.

Thank you, JodyGurl and Lacie for your encouragement!

Love to you all,
Mandy

[mishmam32]

Part of the reason I logged on to these forums was to look for some support on what has been a part of my life for years. Your story is encouraging, I wish you the best.

[Amanda22]

Part of the reason I logged on to these forums was to look for some support on what has been a part of my life for years. Your story is encouraging, I wish you the best.

Mishmam, you are in my thoughts and I wish you the best. I'm married to the woman I thought I'd never meet. Her love has proven unconditional and I return that to her. To inform her of my urge to crossdress was risking this most wonderful relationship. On one hand, it seemed selfish and stupid, yet I've suppressed crossdressing long enough through multiple purges to know that this wasn't going away. She deserved to know the whole me. I'm so glad we had that conversation. My heart aches for those of us without understanding partners. I don't understand that reaction. My wife could murder someone and I'd love her as much as I do now. That sounds like a juvenile statement. I just mean that nothing would change my feelings for her. She can dress as a man and be masculine if that were her desire and I would be fine with that.

[StacyCD]

When I told my SO after 29 years of marriage, she was shocked--mostly that I had kept it from her for so long. We started out with a don't ask don't tell and she's progressed slowly from there. I now have painted toes, pierced ears, wear panties 24/7 and sleep in women's satin pajamas. Recently, I've started wearing long nightgowns with a bra and forms to bed. This has taken almost four years for me to get to this point. So be patient! Good luck!

[Robin Lee]

Amanda,
Good for you, that was a do our die thing to do. Most of us waited to long to come out to our SO, only to find support. Treat her well and keep the dream alive girl.

[Shelly67]

Oh well done - both of you !
It takes an enormous amount of bravado and strength to finally spill those beans ! And also a considerative open minded lady to accept such honesty . It's not easy for some to face fact on a partners character sometimes . I can certainly see your good ladies point about keeping things under wraps , she is concerned and its understandable .
More than anything , your thread made me smile - I can certainly reflect and agree on that final moment just before admitting about myself - it was a pure adrenalin moment - who the hell needs bungee jumping for kicks - lol ?
Best wishes to both of you - good luck xx

[Cherie]

Im wrestling with the idea of telling my girlfriend of 3 years now . i think she will be accepting but i will have a lot to lose if she isnt :sad:

[JenniferLynn0370]

Congrats Amanda; that's wonderful! You are very wise to reveal that side to your wife so early and so lucky that she is so supportive. My wife has known for most of our 21 years but, sadly, has never been very supportive. I wish you all the best as you move forward from here!

Hugs,
Jen

[Daenna Paz]

I just recently popped out of the closet after 35+ years of being married ... wish I had known more sooner <sigh>
To say it was a shock for her would be a bit of an understatement ... ;^)
I'm so glad she is supportive and you have a therapist ... headed there myself ...
Good luck in your new journey.

[Tracy X Cruz]

Congrats! I know it is really hard, and you have made a huge step forward.


I'm so anxiously hoping that my lovely wife's expression of concern over dressing outside the home means she's open to me dressing inside the home.

I had a similar experience with my Girlfriend(SO) and she actually has gone shopping with me for clothes since then and has supported me a lot, she just doesn't want me going out alone dressed as she is worried about people who don't understand and who may do something to me.


I'm 6 foot 3 inches, 220 pounds, with distinctive Native American features, so I don't think I'd ever pass. I totally respect that passing isn't a requirement for everyone, but I think it would be for me.

I know passing to go out it is important to you now, but I am 5'11" and weigh more then you I am sure(dob't have a scale) and I have gone out a few times now even though originally I thought I would not. I think you should hold off a little on deciding that until you have dressed at home and see how you look to your self and to your Wife. Not saying you will change your mind, but don't limit your self prematurely. Mental barriers can be the worst barriers take some time to decide anything and if you do have the support of your wife make sure to share what you are doing and thinking with her and try to experiment as much as you can within the shared comfort zone that you both decide on.

Nothing gives more confidence then some one you are sharing your life with supporting you.
Good luck and Congratulations!

[suchacutie]

My wife has always been completely involved in my femme self, so my suggestion is not only to tell her, but ask her to help you decide what to where and how. She is the experienced one, after all!

tina

[JulieC]

I'm so very fortunate.

Yes!

Make sure SHE thinks she's the fortunate. I can't remember the quote, but it goes something like "A good marriage is when both spouses feel they're the ones that lucked out"

[linda allen]

Im wrestling with the idea of telling my girlfriend of 3 years now . i think she will be accepting but i will have a lot to lose if she isnt :sad:

Not as much as someone married 30 years or so. I'm very afraid.

[JulieC]

Im wrestling with the idea of telling my girlfriend of 3 years now . i think she will be accepting but i will have a lot to lose if she isnt :sad:

And you stand to lose a HELL of a lot more if you don't tell her and marry her...and THEN she finds out.

[Amanda22]

Wow, all of your input is amazing. Although I dropped a zillion hints during our dating period, I never did simply state that I like wearing the clothing of females. Then we married. Just after our second anniversary, I reveal this about me. I [B]knew[B] I should have done this before even considering marriage, but I was denying who I was and purged my few articles of clothing. I thought being in love would make it go away. Isn't that illogical and silly??

I recently decided that it was better to do it now than wait any longer. I'm so incredibly LUCKY. I totally identify with the feeling of risking everything. As another girl said (and I love this), who needs bungee jumping? I'm not exaggerating when I said I almost passed out. I was hearing the rush of air in my ears, and it was getting dark and voices far away. Luckily, my wife told me to stop and breathe.

JulieC is right -- tell her before marriage if you are aware this is a permanent part of you. I spoke at length on several occasions with my therapist about this. She told me that it takes time to reveal the most personal parts of us. When you're dating, it can be so hard to reveal something that you can hardly come to grips with yourself. You certainly shouldn't discuss something you can hardly come to terms with yourself. For many of us, this is well beyond the date of marriage. We should not feel guilty or bad about that. We just have to make the best of it.

I admit that I've been experiencing a little guilt after hearing that so many have partners that reject the CD side of them. I have so far to go. I'm going to tell my wife that I'd like to wear a thing or two while she's at work and ask her what she thinks of that. She may not be cool with that, but we'll see. I think she'll be OK with it.

This is a great thread thanks to all of you...


I just recently popped out of the closet after 35+ years of being married ... wish I had known more sooner <sigh>
To say it was a shock for her would be a bit of an understatement ... ;^)
I'm so glad she is supportive and you have a therapist ... headed there myself ...
Good luck in your new journey.

Daenna, I've heard that therapy doesn't work for everyone, but it sure works for me. I recommend it to anyone who needs someone to talk to. It isn't your fault that you didn't come to terms with CD until 35 years into marriage. You aren't responsible for what you didn't know. Thanks for your input. I wish you the best and pray everything turns out for you two.

- Love,
Mandy


Congrats! I know it is really hard, and you have made a huge step forward.



I had a similar experience with my Girlfriend(SO) and she actually has gone shopping with me for clothes since then and has supported me a lot, she just doesn't want me going out alone dressed as she is worried about people who don't understand and who may do something to me.



I know passing to go out it is important to you now, but I am 5'11" and weigh more then you I am sure(dob't have a scale) and I have gone out a few times now even though originally I thought I would not. I think you should hold off a little on deciding that until you have dressed at home and see how you look to your self and to your Wife. Not saying you will change your mind, but don't limit your self prematurely. Mental barriers can be the worst barriers take some time to decide anything and if you do have the support of your wife make sure to share what you are doing and thinking with her and try to experiment as much as you can within the shared comfort zone that you both decide on.

Nothing gives more confidence then some one you are sharing your life with supporting you.
Good luck and Congratulations!

Gosh, Tracy, what an encouraging post. Thank you!! :hugs:

I would SO LOVE to go shopping with my wife. It's really such a delicious thought that I dare not wish for it, but I still do.

You're encouragement in spite of my size really had an impact with me; thank you...

Love,
Mandy

[Alice B]

I think that it is a great way to address your dressing and that her response is also great. When I came out to my wife I received the same response, stipulation and concerns. That was almost 6 years ago. Over time she has become more and more accepting and comfortable with my dressing. Now it is out in the open to the family and she is comfortable with my going out once in a while to a local TG bar. Just keep the line of communication open and always be completely honest. You have a fun road ahead. :hugs:

[ReineD]

Amanda, why do you want to dress only when your wife is away? Judging by her reaction, she seems to be supportive? You might want to consider incorporating the dressing into your marriage rather than keeping it separate. :)

[Amanda22]

Amanda, why do you want to dress only when your wife is away? Judging by her reaction, she seems to be supportive? You might want to consider incorporating the dressing into your marriage rather than keeping it separate. :)

Reine, you have a great point. Thank you. For some reason, I'm hyper-sensitive about scaring her off even though she's given me no reason to be fearful. I'm crazy. I just played this through in my mind after reading your post and you know what? It actually feels more natural to not attempt to keep it separate. After all, if I'm not totally open with it I can't expect her to be. Thanks for giving me your perspective.:hugs:

[Kara Connor]

<snip> I knew I should have done this before even considering marriage, but I was denying who I was and purged my few articles of clothing. I thought being in love would make it go away. Isn't that illogical and silly??
<snip>



Not at all. There is a great passage in Jenny Boylan's book, "I'm Looking Through You" where she tackles why she didn't reveal to her wife, before they got married, that she was probably transsexual, and it comes down to her thinking that love will "cure" her, plus she has this most amazing person about to marry her (him then, of course) and just can't risk losing that. So in one sense you can see it as selfish, perhaps, but can totally understand it.

Having read many of the posts on this forum about the subject, I am so glad I came out as a CD before we married. Even then, as I have become more accepting of myself and started pushing the envelope a little more, by going out, removing body hair and so forth, we have had ups and downs, but communication is the key. I attempt to reassure her that I am not transsexual, which I don't think I am, but she still worries. I self-identify as a bigendered crossdresser, and like to switch between everyday male me, and female me, Kara, so SRS would not work for me.