Realization

[Stephanie-L]

I was watching some "adult entertainment" the other day and I realized that I was empathizing/fantasizing/wanting to be in the female actresses place, where when I was young I was more interested in the male role. I have never been one of those that felt that I was "female born in a male body" but more along the lines of able to deal with being male, but much more comfortable in the female role, and this is increasing with age. Unfortunately more outward expression of this is not possible for me at this time due to personal commitments but I wonder if it is going to get to the point where something has got to give. Anyway, I just was wondering if anyone else out there has had similar thoughts (I'm sure there are many) and would love opinions and advice from some of the folks here who have dealt with these issues.....Stephanie

[Inna]

40+ years of slow progression towards true self. I find it so illusive though, born male, childhood through early teen really feminine appearance to the point of getting female nickname, called a cute girl by strangers and than despite all that, nature would of course screw things up a bit more with the shot of testosterone and becoming 6' 214lbs body builder dude. Confused?, oh no, that is not a word which describes my feelings, more like frikin damnation abomination brain in a blender with a bit of confusion and fear added just for a good measure. So how do I grow up kind of normal? I truly don't know, but this feminine being of who I know I am doesn't let go but hangs on to my soul, in fact I think it is my soul and not the bloke of a trick, which "wonderful" mother(ffffff.......)nature dealt to me. As I embrace Alexia more and more I am sensing becoming ME, but not to say it becomes any easier, just feeling wholesome and more at peace. I believe every one of us needs recognition and reinforcement of who they really are and in my case, a body of a bloke and soul of a girl don't exactly translate into main stream of acceptance. So yin and yang shall remain ever present, with hope that future will bring on softer shades of gray and I will be closer to being without of whom I am within. She, Alexia, grows from within and shows more often now and yes, the more I let go the manly lie of a man the more fem encompasses my being.

[Stlalice]

Stephanie,

I went over a period of years from believing that I was "only" a CD to acknowledging that I was transsexual - but before that it came to a point that my closet damn near became a coffin. There are some things in life that you can't run away from, hide from, or ignore. Find a good therapist who specializes in gender issues - the life you save may be your own. I understand your situation - feel free to PM me and I'll "talk" to you at need. :hugs::hugs::love:

[Melody Moore]

I can fully relate to what the other 2 girls have said, I fought for all of my life to accept that there really was a girl within me that that needed to get out. It got to a point I couldn't even handle seeing myself in the mirror as a male, the reflection I seen in the mirror really disgusted me. Now when I see myself, I see the real me, the same little girl in seen in the mirror as a child but was now all grown up & I can really accept that. I see myself now for a very long time as a female in sexual roles & not male roles, however I have been predominately Lesbian/A-Sexual for the past 5 years, but ready now to explore new relationships with men.

[Stephanie-L]

Thank you all for the replies. I have seen a therapist who did help me come to the realization that I am TG/TS (not exactly sure how far on the spectrum I am), and her answer was that to be happy with myself I would probably have to give up some of my male obligations, i.e. get divorced. My wife is rather unaccepting of anything TG so any level of transitioning or living as a woman is not an option while I remain with her. Since I am not ready to take that step yet, it will have to wait. As I said I have never felt I was "born in the wrong body" nor do I particularly dislike my male body in general. I do dislike certain aspects such as facial and body hair and really do think I would look much better with a more feminine figure, so I am somewhat gender dysmorphic I guess. Actually it is more than somewhat as I have investigated the options for feminizing both my face and body. In fact the only reason I went on a diet and am losing weight is to look better in womens clothes, I really don't care that much about how I look in my male presentation. Anyway, enough rambling for now, I look forward to more thoughts on this, thanks again......Stephanie

[TerryTerri]

My brain kind of played a trick on me in this regard. I always fantasized about being the girl. But, my mind thought it that way so that I was able to figure out how to turn her on while I was being the guy. One on the things my therapist and I sorted through was these fantasies when it dawned on me that I had in fact been fantasizing about being a girl the whole time. Hope that make sense.
Also, I had a strong tendency to be much more sexually centered than normal. The reason being that during sex, or related fantasizing, I was as close to being a girl as my conscience could allow before I realized my true self was a girl. D'oh

[Pattie O]

I have been watching films and TV recently and find that I wish more and more to be the damsel in distress or the one who is saved or the one allowed to go to the beauty salon or the ball and be kissed by the masked avenger or the prince?