Bittersweet regrets

[makin' it real]

Hi. Caution, longish post ahead.

I'm feeling sad and awkward, disappointed and scared. You see, I've been celibate for 3 years now, intentionally so for the first 2 1/2 of that. Though I've not been actively seeking a partner, I've recently been allowing myself to be open to the possibility. So, here’s what happened that led me to feel these feelings.

I do research at a med school. In casual conversation in a friend’s office last week I commented on how beautiful one of the students is whose ID picture was on his wall (along with ID pix of all the other med students in that part of the program). He said yes, she is, and she’s gentle and graceful too.

Well a couple days later I attend a class I’d been invited to sit in on, only to find that student in the class. She is even more beautiful in person. I can’t help but notice her sparkling eyes as I occasionally look around the large table we were all seated at. The class was on sharing meaning in the therapeutic setting – how to connect with patients through discovering what matters most to them, including addressing questions of spirituality and life purpose. As part of the class, we several times went around the room sharing what was meaningful for us. It was a rich, intimate experience for most everyone involved. The students even gave an unprecedented round of applause at the class’s end.

So here is this heartful, intelligent, graceful, and beautiful woman I’m casting glances at. Our eyes catch a couple few times, sparkling in connection each time. I realize I might be looking her way too often. Not wanting to seem out of line, I purposely spend a few minutes not looking her direction. When I next scan the room I see she had been looking at me. Okay, good. It wasn’t just my imagination!

Class ends, people mill about, slowly gathering materials. Some leave, some move toward the professors for various activities, and I find this woman standing near me, turned slightly aside but not really doing anything. The gentlest of presenting behaviors. Ah, my heart melts, leaping, and I say hello.

We start talking and it turns out her birthday is this coming week. I asked about plans and she said she had none. As I start thinking her birthday would make a great reason for getting together, she mentions she’ll be turning 27. Oh crap! What the heck!? 27!? She looks so much more mature than that. I’m apparently terrible at guessing women’s ages, but I had thought she was more toward the lower end of what I think of as my dating range. Maybe mid-30’s or so since I’m 50.

But 27 is just too young, or at least that’s what immediately goes through my head as I awkwardly sputter some nonsensical words and fairly quickly turn away. She moves off a short distance as if to speak with another professor and I grab my things and bid a hasty retreat.

Now I’m left with this emotional turmoil. Was I too hasty? After all, I may look a bit young for my age, but my hair is solidly grey yet she still approached me. If she’s okay with my age, why am I not okay with hers? I later felt terrible for not speaking my truth more clearly, acknowledging interest then expressing why to not follow up, and instead just fumbling and leaving. It seemed awkward and nearly rude of me. It felt great to have a beautiful woman express interest in me, however subtly, but then I had a rush of insecurities show up later in response to my fumbling departure. Why couldn’t I have continued talking with her and adjusted myself to the possibility of developing a friendship with her instead of my then obvious romantic interest?

So many things have come up for me that I don’t even know what to ask all of you. I just had to share this and see what you think. Here’s a poem that feels right for me, with all this heart opening and roiling:

With That Moon Language

Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
"Love me."

Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise,
Someone would call the cops.

Still, though,
think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one
who lives with a full moon in each eye
that is always saying,

With that sweet moon language,

What every other eye in this world
is dying to hear?

from “The Gift: Poems by Hafiz the Great Sufi Master,” translated by Daniel Ladinsky

[AllieSF]

Great poem and a very common experience and reaction. It was as if I was reading about myself in the past. Over the years (too many!) I have had many similar experiences and always seemed to botch them up in some way. However, I finally learned to be more direct (not, I totally love you!) in talking to them and finding a way to meet up with them again for an almost date, something innocent, maybe a mutually relevant activity that would give us a chance to look each other over on the outside and more importantly on the inside.

Now fast forward a few years to the present and I now seem to have this natural ability to meet new and interesting people including women. I have also dated and wanted to marry a lady who was 18 years younger than me. So, it definitely can work for the short term and could work for the longer term. Don't beat yourself up, just go talk to her and ask her to do something, coffee, go to a new art exhibit, talk about the class and then see what happens. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Also, if nothing else, being proactive with her will be great practice for the next one!

On a side note, I am now having the time of my life meeting, talking with and even going out with younger girls (20 to 30 years younger!), including last night in SF. Now the going out part is for fun as girls and nothing romantic. That does not mean that I have forgotten how to dream the wonderful fantasy.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Of course none of us were there, and are getting this story filtered through your perceptions. You sound like you are perceptive, so please don't be offended by this observation. I have found that men very often associate any overture by a woman as sexual, even when it is not. I have been guilty of the same thing. And perhaps your long celibacy has heightened this tendency.

In the setting you describe, could it be that during the class you said something that resonated with this woman? Something either clever or provocative, or something that is meaningful to you also had deep meaning for her, so much that she wanted to make a further connection. If so, what a wonderful basis for some type of association yet to be defined. Ask her.

Another possibility, not unheard of, is that she is drawn to someone with a position of authority, such as the grey haired researcher at school. I am embarrassed to say that I had one such relationship, which ultimately was not very healthy.

Or, she might have thought you were a very handsome and nice guy. I think if it were me, I would make contact again in a very neutral way. Is this an ongoing class, or is there some other school related function where you are likely to encounter her again? Her birthday is coming up. Send her a card with a nice note in it (but no gift, that would seem a bit too stalking).

What's the worst thing that can happen? If she is beautiful and 27, she will surely have had enough experience to gently fend you off if your attentions are unwanted.

Liz

[lynn27]

I guess I would have given her more time. I do not see age as an issue for having a friend. I think you were immediately thinking of more that just a firendship and that made you recoil to her age.

i don't suppose you couldn't reconnect. I you could, you should explain why you reacted the way you did and take it from there. she may never be your wife but she could be a lifelong friend...

[docrobbysherry]

While traveling with a friend of mine and his friend Bob, we were staying in a sort of fancy back-packer's hotel over seas.

Bob was 60 and recently had his long time wife pass. He looked 50 max, with his copious, thick, grey hair and trim body.

Bob liked to talk A LOT!:brolleyes: I think I had heard all his stories after our 1st week together. But, new folks we'd meet hadn't.
He was captivating some new female arrivals one evening over wine in the common area.
I'm NOT a big drinker, so I mostly watched. After a few bottles, it seemed the two girls were competing for his attention! And, one appeared to be coming on to him physically!:o

He didn't seem to notice, tho. After a few more drinks, he was toast. Made his appologies and went to bed.

When I talked to him the next day, I told him I thot the 20 something girls liked him. To which he began issuing all sorts of denials based on their age differences, etc!:eek:
Then, he blew them off when he saw them that evening!:sad:

Let me tell u what I told him:

How do u know that your age matters to THEM? They're probably NOT looking to get married, maybe NOT even looking for sex! Why not let THEM decide if they wish to spend time with u or not?
After u DO spend time with them, you'll KNOW if they're REALLY interested in u, and WHY!:D

Sometimes, doing things that r OUT of our "comfort zone", can turn out to be FUN! As MANY others here can tell u!:heehee:

[LitaKelley]

The age difference shouldn't matter. I was 28 when I met my wife. She was 19.

[Billijo49504]

I was 36 ad my wife was 21, that ws 26 happy yraers ago...BJ

[Audreyanne]

Don't worry about the age difference. After people become adults, they can interact with any other adult regardless of his or her age. A relationship between two people who are of quite different ages may not work out. But then there is no guarantee that a relationship between people of the same age will work out. What matters is how the people feel about each other, not their relative ages.