Uhm, can anyone wrap their head around this one?

[carson]

Here's the situation. As previously posted, my marriage has been on the rocks for sometime and that wasn't helped by my wife finding out about my crossdressing. She's simmered down with the CD'ing after the initial shock, but doesn't want any part of it. Don't ask, don't tell. Well, it's official. We're getting divorced and I'm moving out as soon as I find a place. We've been good friends for 27 yrs and married for almost 10, so it's all going very amicably so far.

This afternoon, she and I go apt. hunting together. A joint effort so we'd feel comfortable with where our daughter would be when staying with Daddy. Then, since our daughter was going to be occupied with a friend, my soon to be ex-wife and I go to dinner so we can talk. I've got a folder with apt. brochures and a legal pad so we can work out a seperation agreement. Dinner goes fine. We're friendly and kind with one another while we make notes and hammer out a mutually agreeable plan. With this done, we feel we've been productive and positive and my wife suggests we go to the mall. Somehow the subject of Carson comes up and I kiddingly suggest she buy Carson some clothes. (She's never seen me dressed) The next thing I know, we're walking arm in arm through dress shop after dress shop while she's pulling things off the racks that she thinks I (Carson) would look nice in and giving me advice on styles that will flatter my build and colors that will work on me. I make a few comments about what I have in my small wardrobe and hint that she would have a better idea of how I look in women's clothes if she would take a look at a few photos. (She has seen my former avatar - that's it) So lo and behold, she wants to see pictures!

Ah, HELLO!? Speaking of pictures, is there something wrong with this one? I've got a folder of apartment info under my arm and a rough draft of a seperation agreement on a legal pad and she's taking me through women's stores playing mental dress up with her crossdressing soon to be ex-husband.

WTF?? I never know where it's coming from! :confused: :strugglin

[StephanieCD]

Whoa. I can't help ya on that one... that's whacked. Did you ask her?

[Wenda]

sorry babe, I can't help interpret that one. just no way to explain it. wenda

[Cddj]

Perhaps she's having second thoughts?

[Sharon]

It sounds to me as if she may have made peace with her decision but wants to remain your friend and confidant.
Of course, I'm never right about what people's intentions are unless they hit me over the head.

[kathy gg]

HI Carson...

I could be completely wrong here, but she is doing what she needs to do as a soon to be single mom. Alot of times women are okay with the "idea" of dressing as long as it is their best friends hubby, their close male friend, or any other version of 'not-your-hubby'. Since she is probably had to start putting you in a new catagory of person, (once again) "not my husband", she is probably not too oposed to the idea now.

Also keeping things nice, polite, even encouraging is probably her way of not having to think of you anymore in the way she used to. For many women they can accept alot of differences in people, just as long ast those elements of difference never enter their sacred world.

Unless she has literally said "let's try this again" this is her way of severing ties with you in a spousal sort of way. She may find it easier to think of you now as a friend and no longer as romantic lover sort of way. The crossdressing quiet possibly in her eyes is helping move you out of the way she used to think of you. It could be her way of distancing herself from you as someone to love.

This is just a guess, but it seems pretty logical if the cd stuff was the final straw.

Good luck and hope you find a nice place

kathy in canada


Here's the situation. As previously posted, my marriage has been on the rocks for sometime and that wasn't helped by my wife finding out about my crossdressing. She's simmered down with the CD'ing after the initial shock, but doesn't want any part of it. Don't ask, don't tell. Well, it's official. We're getting divorced and I'm moving out as soon as I find a place. We've been good friends for 27 yrs and married for almost 10, so it's all going very amicably so far.

This afternoon, she and I go apt. hunting together. A joint effort so we'd feel comfortable with where our daughter would be when staying with Daddy. Then, since our daughter was going to be occupied with a friend, my soon to be ex-wife and I go to dinner so we can talk. I've got a folder with apt. brochures and a legal pad so we can work out a seperation agreement. Dinner goes fine. We're friendly and kind with one another while we make notes and hammer out a mutually agreeable plan. With this done, we feel we've been productive and positive and my wife suggests we go to the mall. Somehow the subject of Carson comes up and I kiddingly suggest she buy Carson some clothes. (She's never seen me dressed) The next thing I know, we're walking arm in arm through dress shop after dress shop while she's pulling things off the racks that she thinks I (Carson) would look nice in and giving me advice on styles that will flatter my build and colors that will work on me. I make a few comments about what I have in my small wardrobe and hint that she would have a better idea of how I look in women's clothes if she would take a look at a few photos. (She has seen my former avatar - that's it) So lo and behold, she wants to see pictures!

Ah, HELLO!? Speaking of pictures, is there something wrong with this one? I've got a folder of apartment info under my arm and a rough draft of a seperation agreement on a legal pad and she's taking me through women's stores playing mental dress up with her crossdressing soon to be ex-husband.

WTF?? I never know where it's coming from! :confused: :strugglin

[connieb]

my ex GF has had the same thing ,,sort of,,she buys my panties and hose..has hrs of mind blowing sex with me and then goes back with her "new man of her life" and askes me if i wouldn't be more manly...then comes back for more ..whats up with that..glad i don't have th hormone's that go along with the panty urge..gerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[susandrea]

I agree with Kathy.

The two of you will have to stay amicable for your daughter's sake.

You're lucky she's decided to be decent instead of a jerk. :thumbsup:

[AngGG]

Carson,

Let me just preface this by saying that I do not live in your home and cannot know all that goes on.

I just read back through your posts just to get a little more info on what you have been going through. While most might not agree I think at this time you need to be really careful about how much you disclose. Do you really feel comfortable giving her access to your pics? I have never seen a divorce that was 100% amicable. These can be used as possible amo against you. Remember most of the world is not as accepting as the great people here on this site. Please be careful and think about yourself also. You stated in another post that you have not been "together" for 3 years...that is a very long time. There are obivously some very serious problems going on and again I stress be careful.

I am not usually a cynic, I like to view the glass as being half full, but divorce does wierd things to people. Personally, I have been down the road of divorce, it is not fun or pretty, no matter how nice I tried to be, my ex kept trying to take all from me, my lawyer finally told me to stop being so nice and think about myself a bit. I know that this may not apply to you but I wanted to give you some food for thought, only you can know what is right for you.
AngGG

[suit]

go for it!
if it takes getting divorced for her to stand back and be your freind againe..mabby you can get remarried after she gets a good picture in her head of who you still are? and what your not ? at least keep it all fun .

this coming from some one who's has not had a relationship that could ever be called good. take what you can from that .

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

I agree with AngGG here.

Since she is divorcing you, you should deny her any access to anything related to the cause of wanting divorce.

I don't care how nice she is acting about it. In my world this is not a justifiable reason to break up a family.


mabby you can get remarried after she gets a good picture in her head of who you still are?
Honestly the sanctity of marriage has been reduced to legend these days.
The time for her to have this "good picture" is now, and has been for over ten years.
Granted we have this one secret that is now disclosed. :rolleyes:

I say procrastinate the divorce until you are certain she cannot handle this.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Carson,

I agree with Kathy on this one. It seems to me that she does not have a problem with crossdressing, she has a problem being married to one. The intense social pressure of being a crossdressers is amplified for those who love and support us, since they are subject to the same critisisms and finger pointing, except there is nothing "wrong" with them.

I recently asked my brother, that disowned me when I came out, that had been my good friend and business partner why he disowned me. He replied by saying "if people found out that I was still your friend they might think I condone that sort of thing". Even though he has done nothing, he feels having a relationship with me would bring more critisism and shame on him. I feel your soon to be exwife can justify having a co-parent relationship with you as long as society knows she divorced you for you behavior.

I may be completely wrong on this, but that is how I see it. Hope that helps.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[susandrea]

Like AngGG, I just had a sad thought, too, which I hope isn't true, and probably ISN'T....

But just keep in mind that there may be custody issues ahead and it is a tiny bit possible the more she knows about your crossdressing the more ammo she would have against you in court as a "bad influence" on a young child.

Depends a great deal on where you live, of course.

The fact that you can't figure out where she's coming from on this....????

Probably not true, but I have seen some really shitty, underhanded behavoir from people during and after a divorce, especially when children are invloved.

:confused:

[Rainbow6562005]

Hi,

I'm sorry that you're going through this emotional whipsawing. :eek:

Some thoughts about what MAY be going on in your wife:
1) She may understand now that she's losing a fine man by taking a stand against something so important to you, and is working her way through her emotions about accepting you as a a husband who is a CDer;
or
2) She understands that she doesn't have to lose you totally, if she sees and treats you as "one of the girls:" better some of you than nothing at all.

Hopefully, if you ask her what's going on, she'll tell you the truth, and you'll know whether or not that it's true.

Good luck!

Rainbow

[carson]

I'm really touched by everyone's caring. I'm taking some valuable "nuggets" from every post to help me keep my head and perspective clear. Thank you all very much. Everyone's input has made it dawn on me that she may be trying to seperate out the different roles and facets of our relationship: husband, lover, parent, friend. Looking back on this evening, I am now aware that she was talking to me in the shops in a kind of "girlfriend" way. Much different than wife to husband. Hmmm.

Please bear with me, but I want to try to set the record straight. I'm appreciative that some of you found the time to read over my posts/threads before responding, but not everyone can do that and no one can absorb all the info (usually.) So. Yes, finding out about my CD'ing was probably the straw that broke the camel's back, but really holds little significance to the problems we've been having for years. Like I said, we've been friends for 27yrs and married almost 10. I do not see her as the enemy and we have both said it might be better to divorce and hopefully save a friendship than to continue the way we're going and destroy everything. We will always be tied together by our daughter, after all. I am not naive about divorce - already been there, done that once before. I will look after myself, to a point. But I've seen too many ugly divorces among friends and I will not endanger my daughter's well-being or lose my dignity by getting into knock down, drag out fights over money or posessions (or even the threat of exposing my lifestyle.) I'll try to be smart, but if I get "taken" is it shame on me for taking the high road, or shame on her for taking the low? Also, please don't jump to conclusions that this is her fault, just b/c she's the one initiating the seperation. Sure, it takes two to tango, but I hold myself primarily responsible for this break up. As she would willingly tell you, I'm a terrific friend and a great Daddy. But I'm a lousy husband. BTW: No, I've never been unfaithful and she's never doubted that. And I'm not physically abusive. It's just...maybe a great friendship doesn't necessarily work out to be a good marriage. :(

[CharleneCD]

Carson, You have been friends for 27 years, and it looks like she still wants to be your friend. You two may be one of those cases where you make great friends but cant be married. It is not all that uncommon of a situation. Now that the stress of the marriage is ending, she is probobly feeling comfortable enough to want to work on keeping your friendship.

[Ibuki_Warpetal]

It's just...maybe a great friendship doesn't necessarily work out to be a good marriage. :(
Bah. You had ten good years right? That's more then a lot of people. Heck sometimes I can't stand the best of my friends for even ten minutes especially the ones I live with.
I guess you have a point... BUT!,
marriage in itself is not too important despite my previous comment on sanctity. I developed this attitude about it after my mom's 6th marriage.

What's important is holding on to the people precious to you and if you have the ability by all means take advantage of it.

[Tristen Cox]

I can't really advise you any better than these fine people can. Sometimes a :hugs: helps. Hopefully all will work out for you. All my best.

[Deborah]

Hmmm red flags going up all over the place IMHO.

[brendalee70]

Well, this type of eperienced happened to me 10yrs ago. My wife did not like the idea of me dressing and much less in front of her, but when the time came to split up she told me that she loved me with all her heart and soul and she quoted me what the prist had said "For Better or for Worst" I had not even thought of that, she then mentioned that it was only dressing and nothing more, so she was going to try and "understand" BrendaLee and now we go shopping together and when ever she shops by herself she usually gets me a skirt or nailpolish.
I don't know what else to tell you, maybe she will take you back!


Love,
BrendaLee :evilbegon

[AngGG]

I will look after myself, to a point. But I've seen too many ugly divorces among friends and I will not endanger my daughter's well-being or lose my dignity by getting into knock down, drag out fights over money or posessions (or even the threat of exposing my lifestyle.) I'll try to be smart, but if I get "taken" is it shame on me for taking the high road, or shame on her for taking the low? :(

I hope I did not offend you with my reply earlier. I commend you for taking the high road. It is very rare to see a truely amicable divorce these days but you seem to be on the right path. When I got divorced I walked away with the only thing that really mattered to me...my kids. I gave him everything else, house, cars, ect., they were only possessions and could be replaced. Even though he has not held up his end of the divorce financially I feel that I came out the richer of us because I had what was really important to me...my dignity and my kids. :thumbsup:

Good luck to you!

AngGG

[carson]

No,no,no, Darlin'! And I hope I didn't sound like I was implying that. lol That little missive was probably as much to reaffirm to me what my values and priorities are, as much as it was to make my position clear to everyone else. You're right, a truly amicable divorce is rare and you do have to watch out for yourself. I guess a good motto to live, and divorce by, is "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best." But again, as with everyone here, thanks for your caring and thought provoking help. :hugs:


I hope I did not offend you with my reply earlier. I commend you for taking the high road. It is very rare to see a truely amicable divorce these days but you seem to be on the right path. When I got divorced I walked away with the only thing that really mattered to me...my kids. I gave him everything else, house, cars, ect., they were only possessions and could be replaced. Even though he has not held up his end of the divorce financially I feel that I came out the richer of us because I had what was really important to me...my dignity and my kids. :thumbsup:

Good luck to you!

AngGG

[melissacd]

Carson,

Splitting up any relationship is fraught with emotion. In as much as we try our best to keep things on a rational level after 27 years of friendship it is very difficult to maintain emotional distance. I know you know this because you have been down this road before.

You are an intelligent thoughtful person. That is self evident. I commend you for taking the high road. Yes being open to her overtures is risky and yet you have known her long enough to know her. I am pretty sure you already know her intentions and I believe from what you have said that her intentions are honourable.

That being said, your priority is the welfare of your daughter. Maintaining good relations with your wife/ex-wife will benefit the welfare of your daughter. Because of your long standing friendship and your assessment of her honourable ways I am pretty confident that you can sit down with her and have a discussion about this situation and I am pretty certain that she will tell you what is going on in her mind. She will be able to validate whether this is a repositioning of how she sees you or whether she is having second thoughts and is considering taking you back.

I have found from my own experience that most women, after a break up, want to continue to be a friend. I believe it helps to diminish guilt. While relationships are very important to men I feel they are even more important to and complex for women.

Take it slow, talk to her, express your feelings and concerns, assess her responses, accept her responses whatever they are, feel out her true feelings and intentions and always do what is in the best interests of the welfare of your daughter. It is a cynical world out there for sure and there are many who would and do take advantage, however, I believe that is not the case here. All that is required is some good old face to face communication.

Huggs
Melissa

[rubydiamond]

BE VERY CAREFUL...pictures can be used againest you for custody etc.....DANGER...DANGER...remember, if you don't see a fool at the poker table you are it......

[Brandygirl40]

I say live your life the way you want it? If you stop now live will pass you by. So get on with your life. Just stay very good friends with your wife! And thigs will go very smooth for you ok? Any way i am very happy for you. Brandygirl! Ps If you want a friend i am here for you. And i am married to and my wife is ok with it. She dose not like to see me dress but some times she puts my make up on for me! Any what im getting at is i would like to be a friend to you and chat if you feel like you need it ok? So get back to me any time you want?? Your friend BRANDY GIRL!!

[JamieDP]

I am nearing the end of a year long waiting period for a divorce from my soon to be ex-wife. DO NOT SHOW OR GIVE HER ANYTHING. Just as she may be cool today, soon as child support or some other matter doesn't work out right, she may use all of this against you to deny you access to your daughter. Be careful, be careful and be protective.

My ex wanted an amicable divorce, soon as the state determined child support, not me, the state, she went ballistic. She wanted to bring the fact that I had been to therapy into the situation (not wanting to mention her own meds for 3 or 4 years). She wanted to slam me on everything she could think of. Something like this depending on where you live or who the judge is could damage chances of custody, etc.

[Kimberly]

Sounds like she feels more comfortable because of the seperation.

She isn't obliged to confront this part of you, like she might have been whilst you were married - so, she feels she can casually dip into this part of you without the commitment of having to follow her actions through or fully accepting you. Plus, she probably thought, 'Well, I might as well find out what I've been married to for the past x years.'

Poorly worded, but I think you get what I mean. x

[cdcheryl]

I agree with Ruby to a point that she might be setting you up for the custody saying you are not fit by doing the crossdressing thing, just be real careful because in her mind her daughter is going to be staying with you and you dont really know how she feels and maybe she does not want her daughter exposed to it.I hope i am wrong and that things work out between you and i wish youall the best of luck.

[parris james]

My soon to be exwife started seeing someone else about 6 months ago, but kept dening it until last night, while we were out for dinner, and her boyfriend nexteled her :eek: Caught. Times like these call for the most clearity of thought. You must realize that you are on a new course and don't be distracted by the sirens. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you take care of yourself first.

[carson]

Lots more food for thought. Thanks everybody! :thumbsup: :)

[Katie Lynn]

As soon as I started reading your story I immediately thought what others did...she is setting you up. I could be way off base, but that is where my mind first went. I have seen it done to friends and family in divorces...an ex will act all nice to get information that can be used to screw you over later. It happens all the time, PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION!!

[susiej]

Carson,

I read all these posts so far, then went back and read your original one from last night, closed my eyes, and asked myself, "what's going on here?"

Myself replied, "all of the above" -- I hate it when she does that :).

But then she went on, "but most of it is good! It looks like Carson's losing a wife, but gaining back a good friend. The wife seems to be adjusting to her friend's CDing in a way she somehow couldn't for her husband.

"Other posters have worried about the pictures turning out to be part of some fiendish plot to get 'dirt' for a custody battle. They are right to be concerned, but hopefully they are wrong." Myself added with a sly wink, "so, Carson has only to stay friendly, do what's right for the family, and gently turn down the request for pictures. If things remain amiable, there was nothing to it. If not, well, then Carson knows the bullet he just dodged."

So --

"Wait, I'm not through yet," myself added. "Suppose there's a possibility that his wife is actually coming to grips with his CDing, and there's still a chance to save the marriage. He's married to her until he isn't! The High Road is the right choice for that possibility as well. Love, honor and cherish her, and maybe the divorce will never get beyond the yellow pad!"

Good luck with it, Carson. Love well, stay safe.

Hugs,
Susie

[Joanne08]

Carson,

Even if nothing comes of it be careful. My ex-wife used my CD'ing to extract all that she could from me in our settlement. Then she outed me. I've been paying for it ever since.

I sincerely hope all works out for you.


Love, Jo

[gotme]

She wants prrof so she can make sure she gets what she wants in the divorce. Think about it, the court would not give you custody of your child our joint custody if they think you have issues. Be careful...................

[letsdance GG]

As a GG that accepts the fact my husband is a cd'er, this is a bit difficult to reply to.

If I look at as one that does not accept it, there are many things that come to mind.

The others are right to forwarn you NOT to give her any ammo to use aginst you. My ex had plenty that I never dreamed he would use against me. I thought I knew him, but hey, live and learn.

It may also be very possible that now you are divorcing, she is able to see you as a "girlfriend" rather than her husband. She may not want to be married to you anymore, but may still care enough about you to ask questions that a woman who considers herself still married may not be able to.

People tend to compartmentalize things that overwhelm them just so they can get a handle on it. She may not truly know how to handle the divorce so she wants to be friendly, even if it hurts a little.

There are many things to consider and I know you have been given alot to think about.

Divorce is never easy, even friendly ones. Take care to protect yourslef and realize that you deserve happiness just as much as anyone. NEVER settle for less than the best life has to offer you.

[sue_donim]

Carson

I agree with what the other posters have said already, just be carful.

She could be after something to use against you in any divorce settlement, or she could be trying to come to terms with it as a friend.

One thing no one seems to mentioned is that if you let her see the photo's it isn't evidence, unless you let her keep them.
If she tries to throw out this in a court it is only hearsay, It would be the same as you saying you had seen pictures of her doing something unsavory.

I would still air on the side of caution. Only you know your partner and only you can make the final decision.

Hugs
Sue_donim :)