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KeriB
08-31-2010, 01:58 PM
Hi again! Seems like I will be visiting the forums frequently nice again.... Next question - has anyone ever felt as they were mourning their old life, their old selves? I have felt this way for several weeks, and my therapist has told me that I am grieving for my old self.

Another aspect of my transition I'm noticing is almost a kind of unconscious inner turmoil, what a friend described at " his last ditch effort to save himself.". Though I believe that I am whole, simply myself, I do feel a sense of my innate femaleness increasingly exerting itself, apparently at the expense of my maleness. Just curious if anyone else has experienced these feelings; there is not much in the literature about self-grieving, but I feel it. Last Friday, for example, was my last birthday as S., another milestone I've crossed along the journey... While I do not dwell in these things, they do seem to manifest themselves on their own at times... And it probably is in line with my now feeling more female than bi-gendered of only a couple of weeks ago.

Inna
08-31-2010, 02:38 PM
I don't think I will be much help in explaining because I too am faced with same. I do feel sense of correct direction in transitioning but am faced with turmoil within. Who am I, which parts are true and which are a lie. What do I discard and what do I keep. I suppose now is the mid transition period, where I am in between loosing an old me and gaining understanding of what I have kept at a distance and embracing Her self as true. Lots of small detailed questions which have risen lately but will be essential to my psyche in near future.

I guess Keri, you've got a sister in me, a twin in mourning as well!

JamieTG
08-31-2010, 02:50 PM
Hi Keri. I know exactly how you feel. I have developed a lot of inner turmoil and anxiety symptoms as my female side has taken over the last few years. Life was so much easier when I was younger. I would crossdress but I could put it away and was still comfortable as a masculine looking male. Now I can't put my feminine side away. Its always there and always on display even though I still live and work as a male. There are times that I miss the way I used to be and wish it could have stayed that way. Simply a closeted crossdresser. Now there is so much uncertainty and worry about how far this tg journey will take me. I am now struggling whether to go on hormones or not. Hope things work out the best for you. Take care. Jamie

iloveps
09-02-2010, 10:18 PM
I don't think I will be much help in explaining because I too am faced with same. I do feel sense of correct direction in transitioning but am faced with turmoil within. Who am I, which parts are true and which are a lie. What do I discard and what do I keep.

i have been feeling this too, even thought i am only about a month into my true exploration of my feelings. It causes a lot of self doubt as to whether or not i should transition, it sometimes feels like i am making it all up. :( but then it hits me that the fact i think and feel so strongly, and dwell on such questions is all the reason to know its real.

AnonyMouse
09-02-2010, 10:24 PM
I had a similar experience recently when I was packing up my female clothes. As much as I hate being female, I feel like that persona is a person in her own right - one whom I know very well - and by letting my masculine side out and being "myself" for once, I feel like I'm destroying that person. It's not something I was expecting to feel. After all, she was an illusion; an act I put on to save myself. But I put it on very well, and on some level that made her real, and I'm going to miss having her in my life.

Inna
09-03-2010, 01:00 AM
I turn the tables and face the question of who is ME. We ask questions and seek validation for her existence, but we never do the same for him or do we? We have gotten so used to being him that it sure feels real but there is a catch. He is as real or as imaginary as she is. I am coming to realization that both essences reside within our brain side by side. The one body into which we are born and brain set for such make for standard scenario. If there is a man on this planet who will say, he doesn't have any feminine traits is full of s... Same goes for women, we carry both core essence within our selves and act on one which is set for us by natural process at birth. For the fortunate few, such settings are a bit adjustable and therefore creating ability to morph into opposite sex realm without leaving the body. Remarkable feat of bionic software manipulation! It doesn't happen at will though, but is triggered by some sort of process we do not understand. Beyond this delusion of self, resides soul, spirit, call it what pleases, but there beneath all that surface interacting hardware lie a non sex descript being, a true universal self, manifestation of non locality and love. We are acting in a play with avatars so complex that we forget that it is just a play and become intertwined within this game and live it as though a reality.

morgan51
09-03-2010, 07:20 AM
I am mourning all the time that is why I need to keep talking with my therapist I really don't want to denai my true self at the same time I want to be here for my wife talk about conflict. It will all settle exactly where it needs to if I can be honest and keep talking.

PortiaHoney
09-03-2010, 07:41 AM
I understand where this thread is coming from. I wouldn't so much say that I am mourning my old self, but, there is so much to learn. Life is so much more complicated, especially during this inbetween phase. I miss the simpler life of being a CD. I miss family life and my kids. Maybe that is the mourning part?

Am I making a mistake? I know I can't go back. I would die if I tried to live as a male now. And my life is so much better for the genuine friends who know me and the fact I no longer have to deny who I really am.

I made an observation the other day. I realised that I have to don so much fakery and trickery to show the world who I am inside. To match up who I am and how I feel. Breast forms, control briefs, makeup, hair colour, nails, chemicals to block the male stuff, female hormones to, well, make me female ..... the list goes on. I never had to be so fake in order to be real, but when I was real, it was a fake me you would meet.

Ah, the dilemma. I miss the simpler life, but my life is so much less complicated because it's not simple any more. I suppose it is mourning, of a sort. That's not the same thing as depression.

sandra-leigh
09-03-2010, 09:55 AM
I realised that I have to don so much fakery and trickery to show the world who I am inside. To match up who I am and how I feel. Breast forms, control briefs, makeup, hair colour, nails, chemicals to block the male stuff, female hormones to, well, make me female ..... the list goes on. I never had to be so fake in order to be real

For me, it is breast forms when I am public, but not usually control briefs or slimmers or makeup or nails or chemicals. No wig, either. But on the other hand, who I am inside is "neither fish nor fowl".