Supportive wife not ready to participate

[DeeDee1974]

So a couple of months ago my wife was wearing my boxers to bed like she does every night. So I said what if I wore your panties to bed? Jokingly she said "go ahead". Only I thought she was serious, so I jumped out of bed threw on a pair of her black silky panties and jumped back into bed trembling with excitement. My wife was surprised to say the least, I tried to pretend it was a joke and took the panties off a bit humiliated.

My wife told me that it really wasn't something that turned her on. I got really quiet and she could tell I was hurt. She felt bad because I had a hard time opening up, and when i finally did she rejected me. She then said she knew there were men who got turned on by this and it's not a bad thing. She said if I wanted to wear her panties when she's not there she is fine with. Then said maybe someday we'll get drunk and fool around.

Just a couple weeks ago, I was really tired and not on the mood, and well couldn't get excited for her. She expressed her frustration and sorta questioned my sexuality, but then said she new i wasn't gay. This led to a long discussion where she asked if I would ever want to wear a full outfit and I say yes. She said wear panties, wear dresses whatever turns you on.

So how do I get her involved? Do I bring it up or wait and see if she will ever force the issue? Definitely don't won't to turn her off as our sex life is pretty good, but could be enhances IMO.

[DonnaT]

You might have to make it fun for her.

Like getting her quite aroused and then ask if she'd like to have you make love to like a woman would. If she OK's it, then slip on a nightie and make love to her, orally. When she's satisfied, take the nightie off and make love to as her husband.

[Sophie_C]

So a couple of months ago my wife was wearing my boxers to bed like she does every night. So I said what if I wore your panties to bed? Jokingly she said "go ahead". Only I thought she was serious, so I jumped out of bed threw on a pair of her black silky panties and jumped back into bed trembling with excitement. My wife was surprised to say the least, I tried to pretend it was a joke and took the panties off a bit humiliated.

My wife told me that it really wasn't something that turned her on. I got really quiet and she could tell I was hurt. She felt bad because I had a hard time opening up, and when i finally did she rejected me. She then said she knew there were men who got turned on by this and it's not a bad thing. She said if I wanted to wear her panties when she's not there she is fine with. Then said maybe someday we'll get drunk and fool around.

Just a couple weeks ago, I was really tired and not on the mood, and well couldn't get excited for her. She expressed her frustration and sorta questioned my sexuality, but then said she new i wasn't gay. This led to a long discussion where she asked if I would ever want to wear a full outfit and I say yes. She said wear panties, wear dresses whatever turns you on.

So how do I get her involved? Do I bring it up or wait and see if she will ever force the issue? Definitely don't won't to turn her off as our sex life is pretty good, but could be enhances IMO.

You don't. She said it doesn't turn her on. End of story. Get it?

[DaphneGrey]

Tempting yes indeed. But you cant get her to be involved if it is not her thing. Count your blessings though. Your wife seems pretty open minded and willing to let you explore this on your own. Thank her for her understanding and respect her boundaries. I know it is tough. I have been there. But trying to get her involved if she is not interested will not have any good result. She needs space and time.

Just my 2 cents

[kellycan27]

Tempting yes indeed. But you cant get her to be involved if it is not her thing. Count your blessings though. Your wife seems pretty open minded and willing to let you explore this on your own. Thank her for her understanding and respect her boundaries. I know it is tough. I have been there. But trying to get her involved if she is not interested will not have any good result. She needs space and time.

Just my 2 cents

There ya go.

[Chickhe]

Well, first off, if you can't get a rise, that's normal it happens sometimes and unless she wants to keep the little guy that way she should not question your manhood... guys have feelings too...

Secondly, she said it doesn't turn her on, but does it turn her off? If it helps you have a fun time with her and doesn't turn her off then go for it.

[giuseppina]

DonnaT's idea might work, but at the same time, pushing her too much could easily backfire and you'll lose what tolerance you have now.

Maybe letting things sit as they are for a while (meaning a month or two) is the best thing to do while your wife absorbs and digests the information you've given her. :)

[Lorileah]

So here is what I am reading.

She wears your boxers to sleep in. It isn't a sexual thing but evidently a comfort thing? You don't get turned on specifically by her wearing your underwear.


You on the other hand think that wearing women's underwear has to have a sexual underlying theme to it. That you must, somehow, get turned on by wearing panties and dresses and whatever. And you want her to play you role playing game. It is sexual indulgence for you. It must culminate in both your minds in sexual relations.

You used her wearing something for what in her mind is practical to try and get her to do something that she sees as sexual.

Are you confused over all that? Can you imagine how she feels?

This whole story is based on the old stereotypes and misinformation that frankly most of us here are trying to dispel. You both are buying into these falsehoods. Maybe for you it is a total sexual thing. If so, well we cannot fault your feelings any more than someone who likes honey dripped on them, or hanging from chandeliers, or having sex in public places. It is a personal kink. So let's go with that for now. Let's just say that tomorrow your wife said "Honey, I think we need a kick in the you know what department. How about I paint you bright purple with oil based paint?" Now being painted to look like Barney isn't your thing so you say "no". How does she convince YOU to do that all the time?
(I know that right now half the males reading this are saying...yeah that would be cool, I'd do it just to get laid). Do you say "OK I can do that once." do you say "OK next time I am drunk (like your wife said)". Do you say "No, but maybe we can find something we BOTH think is kinky"? How do you MAKE anyone do anything they don't like or understand? Trust me it isn't as fun as you think it will be. Want to feel how most partners react afterward? Go stand naked in a snowstorm with a blindfold on. You will feel cold, exposed and confused.

Now let's assume you like the women's underwear for other reasons than just getting your rocks off. How do you convince her that you like them? Well first thing is to say how you feel. That it is not something that you need to have relations with her or that it is even something you want to try because you think it is kinky. You take the time to explain how you like the fit and feel. That you are not some whack job who will only wear them for a kick. Is that you? Or is this just a sometimes thing that you associate with sex? If this is you then you might be able to slowly convince her that the clothes are part of who you are not something you use to get it on. If that is the case can yo blame her for thinking that the clothes are just a way for you to not have to think about "her"? My personal feeling is if just the sight of her, wearing whatever, doesn't get you going, then the underwear is just a prop to get you through other issues.

So welcome to the forum. Trial by fire I guess. Probably NOT the answer you wanted but the majority of people here are not sexual fetishists. Most of us know what happens when you press an issue and it ain't pretty. We also know that we have to fight everyday the stereotypic ideas that have been planted. And I saw several in your OP. You have to answer some questions of yourself before you continue. There was an old song in the 70's that asked "Do you want to make love or do you just want to fool around?" Are the panties just for a few moments of fun?

[DeeDee1974]

Well, first off, if you can't get a rise, that's normal it happens sometimes and unless she wants to keep the little guy that way she should not question your manhood... guys have feelings too...

Secondly, she said it doesn't turn her on, but does it turn her off? If it helps you have a fun time with her and doesn't turn her off then go for it.

First I will never push her, but i feel like I've gotten mixed signals. "maybe we'll try it when we're drunk" and "do what turns you on, wear panties, wear dresses. So I feel like the door has been cracked open.

Plus I've done things that I wasn't too keen on like including toys and some other thing because they turn her on. So it would be nice for her to do the same, but I would never force. It just hurts when someone knows what tens you on and they won't join in. But I'm the type who would try anything once.

[sissystephanie]

Crossdressing is not just a sexual thing, contrary to what a lot of people think. Sure, wearing panties can be sexual! But is that the only reason you like to to wear them? My guess is your answer would be "No!"

If that is the case, then you need to have a sitdown conversation with your wife and really let her know your feelings concerning your crossdressing. But always keep in mind that she married a man (YOU!) and not the lady DeeDee! Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will always be her MAN, no matter what you are wearing!

[DeeDee1974]

I may not have been completely clear. DeeDee is a part of me in more than a sexual way. I have some feminine tendencies. When i said get my wife involve I meant just her seeing me dressed. I in no way need these thing in order to perform and I have been out dressed a couple of times because I want feel femme because it is a part of me.

I appreciate all the feedback and am just starting this journey. The fact my wife knows i am a cd has been a huge relief and her acceptance has given me so much confidence.

[DonnaT]

When i said get my wife involve I meant just her seeing me dressed.
Start slow (if not of a mind to try my first post ;) ). Maybe a skirt and panties. Don't make a big deal of it. Just go about your normal routine while wearing the skirt.

Maybe you'll get a reaction, maybe not, but you have to start somewhere.

With my wife we went from pantyhose, to a skirt, to a dress, to a wig and makeup. We're back no wig or makeup, but everything else is OK.

[KristinSkye]

First off welcome the forums :wave:





As someone who also has a very supportive but also very uninterested wife I would not push the matter with her. My wife also very frequently wears my boxors and ashirts around the house and to bed but I wouldn't dare ask if I could wear panties (even those that belong to me and I paid for) to bed at the same time.

She has also expressed to me that she in no way wants to have anything to do sexually with a crossdressing man.

Having said that, who knows, your wife may come around and decide she wants to experience your feminine side with you. I would make it her idea though, don't shove it in her face ya know? As much as it sucks to have to do so just keep on enjoying dressing by yourself and keep hoping your wife wants something to do with it. That's what I do anyways; good luck :)

[Stephenie S]

Lorileah and Kelly have said it quite plainly.

She is saying that she does not get turned on by your wearing her panties. Listen to her and pay some attention. There is NO way you came persuade her against her wishes. Leave it alone and thank your lucky stars she is not talking about leaving you and taking the kids.

Relax. It's an interest she doesn't share, but she has given you her blessing to enjoy her panties while she is away from home away. Thank her. Want to share a little bit? Tell her you want your own panties rather than hers and ask her to buy you a few pairs. Who knows?

Accept her wishes and don't try to change her.

Stephie

[Gretchenivy]

You don't. She said it doesn't turn her on. End of story. Get it?

Sophie's directness probably lands harshly on your ears as it does on mine. But, she's right. I'm in a not too dissimilar situation. My lovely understanding gg supports me, understands me, gives me space to dress, and even shops with me on occassion. But, she's not interested in participating or meeting my fully femme me, and it's been that way for years. I can stretch many of her boundaries, but this one's been pretty solid and quite clear for a long time. I haven't completely given up hope, yet it would be unrealistic to think I'm going to change this about her.

[Sedona]

Lorileah and Kelly have said it quite plainly.

She is saying that she does not get turned on by your wearing her panties. Listen to her and pay some attention. There is NO way you came persuade her against her wishes. Leave it alone and thank your lucky stars she is not talking about leaving you and taking the kids.

Relax. It's an interest she doesn't share, but she has given you her blessing to enjoy her panties while she is away from home away. Thank her. Want to share a little bit? Tell her you want your own panties rather than hers and ask her to buy you a few pairs. Who knows?

Accept her wishes and don't try to change her.

Stephie

Yes, agree with this and many other comments.

DeeDee, I'm pretty much in your same boat. My wife tolerates it, gets me girly stuff on occasion, but nearly all the time, wants 100% male in the bedroom. I've found that if I'm "performing" well as her husband, she's more willing to let me bring a bit of Sedona into the bedroom. But, it's not an act in any way, I love having sex with her as a "guy," but appreciate the occasional compromises she'll give.

Good luck, it'll get easier!

[so_mari]

This is my very first post, so please forgive me if I'm not supposed to be posting in this section--I couldn't find it in the FAQ. I'm a GG whose boyfriend just told her of his lifelong desire to explore cross-dressing and his feminine side. I realize that everyone is different, but I've been reading the message board in an effort to learn more for myself and support him.

When I saw this post, I couldn't help but think about my own situation. The only thing I think that I might be able to add to this discussion is that although the introduction of your feminine self is natural for you, it might feel as though it is a completely different person for your wife. And, if that is the case, it's almost as if you're building a new relationship between her and that new part of yourself. Perhaps your feminine self will never be a sexual turn on to her and there will always be obstacles in the bedroom; but maybe it will just take time because this is like a new relationship. Maybe she just needs to get comfortable with it before it can progress into something that works sexually for you both.

[NicoleScott]

Count your blessings....
I can dress at home, wife present or not. She's rather indifferent about it all, and pushing her to participate would most certainly risk ruining what I have: a wife who knows, accepts, tolerates, and even encourages. But she doesn't participate. Take what you have, be happy for it, and don't push it.

[NY Julie]

Soooo Hard...

[tracylee]

I feel for you with this...how do we have this deep desire and then feel we have to deny it?
I am one lucky guy in that I can do my "thing" when I want.....the problem has always been I want her to want this "thing" as well...
My dressing was I'm sure a shock at first....and then it seemed accepted...and then it was cold/hot...cold/hot....
But I realiized, if I "took care" of my GG...in whatever way she wanted...she would at some time "take care of me"...

I would sometimes tell her..."I don't quite get why you like this or that... (secret)...but if it gets you off then I'm game"...And one night she said the same thing...."If you get off on dressong like a woman on ocassion, then good"...

She just recently bought me AVON makeup and said we have a "date" coming up...

In closing, I guess the point is for many of us is that we have to realize we can't make our "thing" the most important "thing"....give your SO all you can because she married a man...and she wants a man....the other side of you may be a trust thing....I wish all reading this well...