coming out to a lesbian friend

[tanyalynn51]

Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. As I frequently say, I am by myself in this as far as I know except in here. I have to come out to someone soon, whether a doctor, as one of you suggested, a counselor, or a friend. One of my best friends is a lesbian. She and I have been through a lot over the six years we have known each other. She knows that I wont tolerate people putting her down because she is gay, including fellow Christians. Her brother actually goes to the same church I do, and tells her she's going to Hell all the time. I will say this, although we go to a conservative church, I know none of the Pastor's or leaders condone this. I cant think of anyone who might be more understanding, but as I have seen in life, working on the streets with all kinds of people, there is no way to predict what someone will do in a given situation. So I guess my question is, have any of you come out to a lady friend (not an SO), and was there a positive reaction. If anyone did it with a gg who was a lesbian, it might help me to know if this could be a good idea or not. Thanks, Tanya

[EnglishRose]

You're right, there really is no way to predict what someone will do or say. That being said, I came out recently to a good friend and while she cautioned that it's a very difficult road, she was supportive. I'd previously come out to her as a CD ten years ago.

[Hope]

Most of the people I have "come out" to (I hate that term) have been positive about it. Strait Female, Lesbian and otherwise.

I know coming out is frightening and in some cases dangerous - but a lot of those issues are in our heads, not out in the world. Yes, there will be some people who will respond poorly. They are doing you a favor (though it will not feel like it at the time) because they are self selecting themselves for the pool of people you don't want to hang out with.

There is not good way to make it easier on yourself either, there is no way it will come up in conversation, there is no way to drop enough hints, you just have to buck up, push your heart back down out of your throat and spit it out. I suggest rehearsing it a few times, so you at least have a plan in mind - don't memorize a speech or anything, but go over what you intend to tell a person. Keep it short, invite questions, be ready to answer questions, be ready to tell people how they can support you (because your real friends will want to know) and above all - be positive about it.

Don't make it a HUGE sit down deal where you are telling someone about how you have cancer and you are going to die, or about how you are this horrible menacing pervert who is going to be spending time sneaking about in the ladies room with a camera. Make it out to be fun and cool, and not a huge life ending deal, and people will take it that way. (but of course you have to believe that yourself) People look at us for clues about how they are supposed to respond. If you speak or behave in a way that says "I am telling you something awful / revolting" they will respond appropriately. If you present things as "Oh, by the way, this is this cool-ass thing you didn't know about me" they will respond appropriately to that as well; provided they are not socially incompetent losers - but you don't want to hang with that group anyway.

[boardpuppy]

Hi,
Yes, I did come out to an SA, who was very helpful in selecting my first couple pairs of shoes. After a while as we became better friends, she told me during one of our talks she was gay. I think it would be more approperiate to say bi. i do miss our conversations as she has moved to the east coast know. She wasn't judgemental and easy to get along with.

Hugs,
Alice

[sandra-leigh]

The first person who knew me personally whom I told, was a lesbian ex co-worker of mine whom I was friends with. She was fairly careful with her friendships, but got along well with me, and talked to me about matters such as issues she was having with her partner. Eventually she moved to take other work, but we stayed in loose touch.

She was back in town for a meeting of some sort and we arranged to have dinner together. I felt that I wanted her to know, so I showed up for dinner wearing a long skirt. She looked over at me, smiled, swept her look down to let me know she was talking about the skirt and cross-dressing, and congratulated me. I'm still not sure exactly what it means when someone sincerely congratulates you upon finding out that you are cross-dresser... Congratulations on having the strength to come out and be yourself, I guess.

We didn't actually talk about the cross-dressing all that much, but she did ask a few questions about it, and was pleased that I was open with her about it.

This was a number of months before I told my wife. Though now that I think about it, my next door neighbours had already clearly accidentally seen me by then... but that's different from deliberately telling someone.


In my case, I knew inside me that my friend would be okay with my dressing -- though I admit that I didn't think she would be okay with it quite so quickly, taking it in and parsing through the meaning of me wearing that in just a glance. Makes me suspect that she knew something about me that even I didn't know at the time :heehee:

Part of how I knew that my friend would be okay with my dressing was the adversity she had faced and that she had shared with me. She had told me private information about her life, talked about the difficulty of being gay (as experienced in those times); I had been her sounding-board and she had sought advice from me. I was some-how a non-conformist even back then: if I hadn't been, then she would never have felt comfortable in talking to me to the extent I did, as she was a bit wary of most people. So when I showed up, even more non-conformist than before and facing up to my own social adversity, it brought us even closer in some ways.


Would your friend be surprised if you were to tell her you were a non-conformist? If I had told my friend that I did something different than the mainstream, she probably would have said something like "You do everything different than the mainstream!" or "Of course. You have for as long as I have known you." My friend expected me to be different than most people, and expected me to follow my conscience rather than the public morals. That it was cross-dressing was, in a sense, just a detail.

Reminds me, I should send her a note and see how she's been keeping.

[rata]

I came out to my best friend (a lady) 2 weeks ago she took it well and thought it was great , now she understands why we always got along so well and chat like a couple of girls ; she even wants to go out with me dress (as friends). i say go for it.

[DeeDee1974]

I told a former co worker of mine because she was very open with me about some bisexual feelings she was having. I had dressed as a woman for Halloween and told her I really liked it and wanted to do it again. She said yeah "next Halloween you should do it again". The I told her I want to do it even whe it's not Halloween. She then said maybe you can come over and try on my clothes sometime. She met her future husband a few days later and I never got my dressing session. We are still good friends.

[Eileen]

Tanyalynn have you been to the PFLAG in Albuquerque?

Eileen

[tanyalynn51]

The first person who knew me personally whom I told, was a lesbian ex co-worker of mine whom I was friends with. She was fairly careful with her friendships, but got along well with me, and talked to me about matters such as issues she was having with her partner. Eventually she moved to take other work, but we stayed in loose touch.

She was back in town for a meeting of some sort and we arranged to have dinner together. I felt that I wanted her to know, so I showed up for dinner wearing a long skirt. She looked over at me, smiled, swept her look down to let me know she was talking about the skirt and cross-dressing, and congratulated me. I'm still not sure exactly what it means when someone sincerely congratulates you upon finding out that you are cross-dresser... Congratulations on having the strength to come out and be yourself, I guess.

We didn't actually talk about the cross-dressing all that much, but she did ask a few questions about it, and was pleased that I was open with her about it.

This was a number of months before I told my wife. Though now that I think about it, my next door neighbours had already clearly accidentally seen me by then... but that's different from deliberately telling someone.


In my case, I knew inside me that my friend would be okay with my dressing -- though I admit that I didn't think she would be okay with it quite so quickly, taking it in and parsing through the meaning of me wearing that in just a glance. Makes me suspect that she knew something about me that even I didn't know at the time :heehee:

Part of how I knew that my friend would be okay with my dressing was the adversity she had faced and that she had shared with me. She had told me private information about her life, talked about the difficulty of being gay (as experienced in those times); I had been her sounding-board and she had sought advice from me. I was some-how a non-conformist even back then: if I hadn't been, then she would never have felt comfortable in talking to me to the extent I did, as she was a bit wary of most people. So when I showed up, even more non-conformist than before and facing up to my own social adversity, it brought us even closer in some ways.


Would your friend be surprised if you were to tell her you were a non-conformist? If I had told my friend that I did something different than the mainstream, she probably would have said something like "You do everything different than the mainstream!" or "Of course. You have for as long as I have known you." My friend expected me to be different than most people, and expected me to follow my conscience rather than the public morals. That it was cross-dressing was, in a sense, just a detail.

Reminds me, I should send her a note and see how she's been keeping.

Sandra, we are already good friends, as you and your friend were. I love her as a sister already, from whatever perspective. And, she already knows Im different from most people in a lot of ways. This may just explain some of it for her.

[Beth-Lock]

There are many things that can go wrong if you tell. Even though it may be well received at first, later on the friend may have a reaction against it, after it sinks in. They also may have specific issues or reservations, even if they seem to accept it. They may not want to be seen with you in public, or have their children see you, in your new gender and so on.

So while it is difficult to tell what the initial rection might be, in my experience, you may also have a problem with a delayed reaction, and then there ar specific issues people may have too.

My advice would be, that since you have a lot to lose right now, and are not ready to face a full transition or coming out, it might be wise to err on the safe side, and only talk to people on this site, and when you are ready, perhaps to go into counselling with someone who will keep it confidential. One problem with counselling, is that it brings up a lot of issues which may make you unhappy, and because you can no longer repress it with this material having come to mind, you may be pushed into transition to solve this new problem too soon. Transition in the best of circumstances, will lead to problems, heartache and having to leave people behind, as you lose friends and even friendly contact with relatives. You can't bake a cake without breaking eggs.

Some lesbians are accepting of transgendered people and some not, at least as concerns your joining their community and social activities. There is nothing automatic in their reaction to transgendered people, just because they are lesbians.

[Rianna Humble]

I guess my question is, have any of you come out to a lady friend (not an SO), and was there a positive reaction. If anyone did it with a gg who was a lesbian, it might help me to know if this could be a good idea or not. Thanks, Tanya

The first person I came out to was a GG colleague from work - that probably went better than expected as she introduced the subject by telling me at a party "You'd feel much more comfortable in a dress". The next big step was my diabetes nurse who is also a long-time friend and she was super cool.

More recently, I came out to a lesbian couple I have known for a few years. Not only did they take it well when I told them, but later one of them contacted me privately to ask if there was anything she could do to support me.


There are many things that can go wrong if you tell. Even though it may be well received at first, later on the friend may have a reaction against it, after it sinks in.

Whilst this can be a salutory warning, it is important not to let ourselves be paralyzed by the fear of what might happen.

I realize that my situation is not the norm for everyone, but I have had no negative reactions and have even had neighbours come up to me in the street to offer their support. It was quite a biggie for me when I went public because I had been one of the more high profile local politicians in my town and even had the privilege of having death threats against me before anyone knew I was trans.

[tanyalynn51]

There are so many difficult choices here. A lot of good advice, but difficult choices. Im leaning towards getting a counselor here. There are some available. Ive also stumbled across a website called transgendered NM. I may see about that, too.