Can a SO really learn to accept?

[ChloeMartin]

Though she discovered it after we were married and by accident, my wife has know about my dressing for ages. After several rounds of purging and trying to give it up, I've let her know that its not going away and its something I need to accept, and would like her to accept as well.

We're now in counseling and although she says she understands my dressing, knows its part of me and isn't going to go away, she doesn't want to allow me to have CDing friends or go out in public. Its not acceptable to society and therefore, she doesn't want it out of the house.

My question is whether others have had a SO/wife with a similar (mostly negative) view of CDing that has made significant progress. I know she loves me and we have many reasons to stay together. But sometimes seems so hopeless that we'll get beyond agreeing to disagree. Would love to hear if others have had success with their SO "coming around" so to speak.

Chloe

[busker]

If you read more of the forum, you'll find that most here have SO's that are NOT accepting (that there is a more public display), but life goes on. If you can dress at home, you already have quite a bit of freedom that many do not have. Perhaps joining a support group might open her up to the possibilities of having other CD's visit but remember--other CD's in her mind will be guys dressed like women who want to be with other guys dressed like women to do what? That's the problem. If you want to express your fem side, do you necessarily have to broadcast it? there is also the social things to worry about for her and possible humiliation if neighbors, co workers should make an inadvertant discovery. You have to keep her needs in mind as well.

[Patty B.]

My wife is says she is ok with the cding, but not telling her before marriage or once the desire returned with in a couple of years being married. The lies and deception, thats what she is trying to deal with. We've had our ups and downs this this past year, and only time will tell how if our marriage survives. My opinion is to be honest and open.

[ReineD]

Chloe, before I can respond to helping your wife grow in acceptance, would you mind answering a question for me. What would be your ideal situation or arrangement, assuming your wife was completely supportive? How often would you like to CD and where would you like to go dressed? What types of things would you like to do as Chloe? Would you prefer to develop Chloe's friends on your own or would you rather your wife come along (again, assuming she is 110% supportive)? :)

[Satrana]

There is no easy answer, everyone is different. I believe though the way to get progress is to make her think about your crossdressing differently. I suspect her line of thinking probably is something like - this is YOUR thing which YOU need to do and which she has no interest in participating. She sees only the risk and danger if others were to find out.

My advice is to discuss how this is not your thing at all but a shared issue. Since this is part of your personality, if she ignores your CDing she is ignoring you and that hurts the relationship. I think the best idea is to try to find ways to involve her even in minor things like asking for her advice in how to present yourself. It may be that your current presentation irks her in some way.

If you want to get her to become more accepting then you need to focus on doing stuff together and taking small steps with her. This means you should put public outings on the back burner since you know she fears the consequences. You have to prioritize what is more important to you.

[DonnaT]

My wife was adamant that it not be taken out of the house.

30 yrs later, she was out with me.

So, yes, given time. For some.

[ChloeMartin]

... What would be your ideal situation or arrangement, assuming your wife was completely supportive? How often would you like to CD and where would you like to go dressed? What types of things would you like to do as Chloe? Would you prefer to develop Chloe's friends on your own or would you rather your wife come along (again, assuming she is 110% supportive)? :)

So far Ive restricted myself to going to clubs when traveling or when my wife is traveling. I'm sure that isn't an acceptable venue for her, so I'd be happy to do dinners or shopping trips with others in place of that. She knows I've been out but we dont discuss any details. In fact, not discussing things has led to much of our problems. A lot of frustration and resentment on my part and distrust on hers.

My ideal situation is that I'm able to have and meet with CDing friends, such as those in our local support group, am able to go out every month or two to a social event, I don't have to hide my clothing, and that I can openly buy things without upsetting her.

I've never allowed myself to wish for her participation. In fact dont know how I feel about it because its always been unimagineable to me. I'd like her to see me and know what Chloe looks like. But I don't think I need her to participate. I think. :)

[docrobbysherry]

If even heard of people that have trained A CAT!:brolleyes:

So, ANYTHING may be possible!:thumbsup:

[kimdl93]

I can only answer from my perspective. My wife knew about my CDing before we got married. I'd put her in the supportive category from that point, but certainly her perspective has evolved as time has passed. Back then, dressing was something we shared but kept hidden from the girls. I underdressed all the time, dressed when the girls were out. When they moved out, it was acceptable to dress full time...but we didn't really talk about it...it just happened.

I suspect its more dificult for a woman who has tolerated, but not been actively supportive. not impossible, but certainly a long, slow process if acceptance is ever to be realized.

[Chickhe]

You know what... she has a valid concern, but on the other hand society doesn't really care too much. You can find ways to keep your privacy. The cool part about CDing is the better you are at it, the less likely anyone will recognise you. The real challenge is knowing yourself and being able to convince her it is not going to change her role as your wife.

[lauraabdl]

I wish I could give you a positive review. My SO came back from a trip to see her children and grand children and its been tough since she returned. Finally yesterday SO informed me see can't compete with Laura and see is leaving. I have mixed feeling about this as we have been married for over 14 years. I love her dearly and don't want laura to compete with her, I just wish to have time to be laura.

[Alice B]

When I told my wife she was understanding, but concerned. We established rules and as the years have passed she has become more and more accepting and even allows me to go out when I want. The whole key is total honesty, open communication and understanding her point of view. Good luck.

[ChloeMartin]

Am so sorry to hear this happened Hon. I didn't expect many positive stories and know our community faces this kind of thing often. I hope it works out for the best for you.

[ChloeMartin]

I expect we can make it to tolerance and rules to guide us. But its such a slow slog! Am hoping for more but with all of the stories in other threads and these examples here, I'm going to try to focus on just getting what I need so I can continue to enjoy her and the marriage.

Thank you all for your replies!

[Gerrijerry]

It did for me but it was over many many years. We met in high school and now I am in my 60's.

[ReineD]

My ideal situation is that I'm able to have and meet with CDing friends, such as those in our local support group, am able to go out every month or two to a social event, I don't have to hide my clothing, and that I can openly buy things without upsetting her.

First, to answer your question, I have seen GGs open up and come around. But it requires complete trust that their husbands are telling it like it is. Complete honesty. I think that one of the things keeping GGs from wanting to explore the CDing with their husbands is a lack of understanding and fear of what it is, or how far it will go. And the mistrust, if they find out about it after having been in the relationship for awhile. They wonder what else the husband hasn't told them, or is he hiding any secret desires?

Some GGs get completely turned off with the idea that their husbands wish to be feminine. But IMO a GG can learn to look past this if the dynamics are good between her and her husband, if she feels she hasn't lost her place in his system of priorities, and if she doesn't develop a nagging suspicion that her husband is keeping things from her.

I would continue (if you can) to tell your wife that it is a part of you and that although you respect her wishes, you do feel bad that you are required to hide all the evidence as if it is something dirty or shameful. Judging by your post, you have no wish for transition (which would require a degree of acceptance at an entirely different level), and it doesn't sound as if you are proposing changing your lifestyles together in any significant way. An evening every few months, or even weekly is not too much IMO. If you were to dress every spare moment outside of work, I could understand how difficult this would be for your wife to get used to.

Why do you think your wife is not OK with you meeting other CDs? Would this apply only in a nightclub setting, or does she also object to your attending family-friendly support groups where she is also invited?

And last, it would help if she could become OK with spending some time alone with you dressed at home, even if you just sit together and watch a movie on a regular basis. She might then discover that you are the same person and her fears of "the unknown" will be alleviated.

[sissystephanie]

In my case, I would have to say definitely YES! Of course, the facts were different. I told my late wife before we married! She accepted me "as is," and we had almost 50 years together. Cancer took her a few years ago. She not only accepted me, but fully supported me in my CD activities. Even doing my wig and makeup when I went out in public, often with her!

The major point that I have told other CD's is that she knew that I was always her man, no matter what I was wearing. I have never had any desire to be a female in any way, other than to wear their clothes. She knew and respected me for that!

[cd300]

I am in the same boat as u she hates it wont participate or let me have other avenues to explore. i feel your pain and wish you lots of luck!!

[Aaron Zwidling]

Hi Chloe
Before hoping for a change in your wife's stance you may want to decide what you hope to get from exploring the two things she is uncomfortable with, namely CD friends and dressing in public. To me both things are not black and white and have definite degrees to them.

For instance you may already know CDers without realizing it. I'm assuming your wife is not expecting you to question each man you know and ask them whether they CD, and then terminate the friendship if they tell you they do. Also you are posting on this board, and it is quite possible you may consider some of the people on it as friends. In other words I am guessing your wife is willing to tolerate you having at least some level of friendship with CDers, but there is likely some point that she feels is too far. To me you would want to determine what that point is and decide if there would be much benefit to you if you could go beyond that point.

Similarly there are degrees within the CDing in public issue as well. My wife is not comfortable with the idea of me going out in public either. She says it is because she is worried about me getting hurt (either ridicule or physical danger). I'm sure that is part of it, although I suspect the part she doesn't admit to is it could also her problems if some of the people we know found out (some other people we know would be fine with it I'm sure). While she is not comfortable with me dressing in public, over the last few years I have gotten her to accept me openly going shopping for things. While I go shopping in drab, going into a dress store or lingerie boutique and asking to try stuff on in your size pretty much lets the cat out of the bag as far as the SA's are concerned. In consequence there are maybe 10 women scattered around the city that know I buy women's things for myself, versus the hundreds of people who you might come in contact with if you left the house wearing a dress and heels. At first my wife wasn't comfortable even with the level of public knowledge implied by shopping for myself, however she came to understand it was important to me and has come to accept it at some level. Again to me this issue is all a question of degrees, and again if I were you I would ask myself what 'degree' you want to go to and why, as well as what degree your wife might be willing to accept. You might be able to come to a mutually acceptable compromise on the issue, which is pretty much what my wife and I have done.

[girly_esther]

All that I have to say is Time changes everything.So u never know she might change and start to understand you better as well.All the best anyway.

[AKAMichelle]

Sometimes they might be able to look the other way with it. I don't think acceptance can be learned. She may end up accepting you over time but it will take a good deal of time for that to happen probably. A form of acceptance would be to let you continue to dress as long as she doesn't have to see you again.

[RADER]

My wife knew before we were married that I liked to CD. Her acceptance came with 2 conditions, Say in the House (closet) and
do not shave my chest. I have a forest of hair, and she likes to run her fingers through it. ( some times with a bra on) LOL.
So I count my blessings and move on. I would never pass anyway, I am 6'3" and close to 300 lbs. No tinny size 1 here. LOL Rader