Exorcising Fear

[Sara Jessica]

I received the following question from a member here in reaction to an earlier thread I had started...

I saw your thread about trying on a red dress (or lack of trying it on) I'm a nervous shy crossdresser, I'm afraid I go in to try something on and I don't know if there are 20 women out side going to see me or no one, I don't know if people I know are standing out side who'll see me, even going into the store is a bit scary, but I want to do more in store shopping...

how can I get over this fear?


I told this person that it was a great question, one that might be best answered in the forum setting, with her remaining anonymous per her wishes.

My first impression is that one needs to be comfortable in their own skin before others can be expected to be comfortable with you. How can someone from our community even remotely expect to have a good experience if you are nervous, scared or overtly shy? You'd just come off as creepy in the context of what you are trying to accomplish.

Now the person who posed the question doesn't say if the shopping would be in guy or girl mode. I suppose it can make a difference in how to answer this. Let's assume it's guy mode for now. Once you get past the above issue, that you have the confidence to go into a particular store feeling like your money is just as green as anyone else's, you should anticipate being completely honest. Be prepared to let them know you are shopping for yourself rather than trying to come up with some half-baked story about a costume party in the middle of June!

The next thing is really important in my book, something that cannot be taught. You must know how to read people. Judge the reaction to see if you are being accepted for who you are. Anything less and the store doesn't deserve your cash. Go somewhere else where you are welcome.

At some point, you'll need to know if the store has a policy with respect to your use of the fitting rooms, if you wish to try things on. While trying on isn't necessarily my usual MO in guy mode, I've had enough experience to offer sound advice. Know the store's fitting room layout and read the customer's reactions to your presence. There are those who will suggest that this doesn't matter in the least bit but I'm here to say that if you inadvertently make the other customers uncomfortable, the SA is going to have a really hard time meeting your needs as an equally valid customer.

Another important thing is relationship building. By making a purchase, especially during your first visit, you are demonstrating that you are a serious customer, not just someone playing dress-up in their store. And by returning, a relationship should develop which is worth it's weight in gold.

So as far as some other elements go, always consider time and place. Perhaps the Saturday before Christmas in a busy mall is not the best time to explore such shopping opportunities for a first timer (duh!). Maybe a Tuesday afternoon in the middle of September is a better choice. And expect to be seen, deal with it. If this is something that you don't want to hit so close to home, go somewhere further away. If you are fearful of being seen, you will give off a bad vibe. It all comes back full circle, be youself, be comfortable in your own skin, and don't be creepy in any way, shape or form and hopefully the rest will follow.

(And I'm sure there's plenty of other advice to be offered as well!!!)

[Freddy12]

One thing I might add is that if you are concerned about people you know seeing you, try to travel to a store that's not close to your home or place of work.

I prefer to shop enfemme since I'm less self-concious about trying on clothes if I'm dressed like a woman.

Fear is not easy to overcome, but working on it, and thinking things like "I'm not going to let this keep me from doing what I want to do" help me. It's still there, but I manage to shop.

[abigailf]

I like the idea of traveling a bit of a distance to shop. That's what I usually do.

I have no problem shopping dressed or not. I just don't care anymore what anyone who sees me thinks. The bottom line is I will most likely never see them again anyway. And if I do, good for them, they get the privilege of seeing me more than once :)

When I shop at new places, I will ask the SA where a fitting room is I can use. They usually point me to the women's.

Once when shopping as a guy for girl clothes, the SA told me to use the women's dressing room. They didn't want me to take the clothes to another floor.

At Filene's in DC I took clothes (in guy mode) to the men's dressing rooms (because there was no line there) and the SA pointed out that I had woman's clothes. I said, I know, will that be a problem. He looked at me and said, "no, go ahead in. Three items?"

BTW the more you do it the more comfortable you get with it. So just keep pushing yourself in the beginning.

[Chickhe]

All good advice. Being a shy person sometimes is hard, but if you just forget your fear and speak up and demand respect you will have no problems. Asking is there a problem is good because the person you are talking to is forced to make a decision before you are involved in what they might consider improper. So you have a chance to leave or negotiate with them.

One thing about fear...if you face it, the more exprience you get the less fear you will have. So just do it (maybe start with small steps, but do it...stop making excuses).

[kimdl93]

I think of it like stage fright. Its something you have to overcome. I know that getting up in front of a bunch of people frightens the hell out of me - fear of looking foolish...or whatever. But it turns out that once I'm up there, the fear subsides and I realize that people are generally pulling for you, or so wrapped up in their own things that they don't notice. Getting prepared helps. visualize shopping...responding to SAs and even the worst case scenario. That might help a bit.