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Puer
09-01-2005, 01:25 PM
I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this thread, only that I'm feeling low about something that happened recently and need some support to get through it.

First the background: Wendy and I became friends at the beginning of this year. We were acquaintances prior to that - I knew of her through my partner, Alice - and, whilst I split up with my girlfriend last summer, the three of us would see each other socially once in a while. However, since January Wendy and I have become good friends and have met up regularly to talk, have coffee, meals out, etc.

I eventually told her about being a FTM crossdresser, it being something I had finally just acknowledged to myself. The only other people I've shared this with are my therapist and this forum, so it was a big deal for me, but I thought I could trust her with it. She was very supportive and encouraged me to 'follow my heart'. It was in many ways a great experience to be accepted so easily. We even talked about whether she wanted to meet me while I was dressed as a guy. She said she wanted to think about it and went off on holiday.

When she came back we met up, had coffee, talked about her holiday - all the usual stuff. We also talked about my cding and her meeting me dressed. She seemed to be up for it and certainly talked as though she was really interested, asking how I dressed and did my hair, etc. I was feeling quite exhilarated, but also rather nervous. I came down to earth with a big bump the next day when I got an e-mail from her saying that she'd got too much going on in her life and had to cut back on seeing me and that she felt out of her depth with the cd stuff and didn't want to take it any further. I was really upset by this, not least because she had just sent me an e-mail and hadn't mentioned it when we met the day before. I also found it difficult because, as I'd previously told her, I'm afraid that when people find out about who I am they will not want to know me. I certainly felt like that fear was being validated.

We met up after this to talk it through, but the outcome was that she wanted to drastically reduce how often we saw each other. I tried to respect her wishes, just the occasional 'how are you doing?' type of text. I noticed though that it was always me making the first move.

I've been off on holiday and when I got back I texted Wendy to say I'd got her birthday present and pictures from my birthday bash, could we meet. She replied that she couldn't just now, but would get in touch. After a week and a half I gave up and e-mailed her - fairly light-hearted and chatty; can I drop your present round; have you still got that cd you borrowed; etc.

I got back a reply that said because of how her friendship was with Alice, she felt it would be unmanagable and inappropriate to resume contact with me. She also wished me luck for the future and hoped I would eventually find someone special. This last bit confused me as we had talked about the fact that I wasn't looking for a new partner and wasn't planning to. I was upset by her e-mail and disapointed and I sent her an e-mail saying so. I also asked when she would have told me if I hadn't e-mailed her in the first place. (I mean would she have left me hanging, waiting for her to eventually get in touch.) All I got back was a message saying she hadn't got my cd, nothing else. Not even an acknowledgment of my feelings or a sorry its ended like this.

I don't know what to do. I've gone from having a friend I saw regularly to nothing. Owing to the timing of when she first cut-off from me, I'm worried that its because of my cross-dressing that this has happened. It may well be that she felt she was doing to much and that things were getting too complicated trying to be friends with me and my ex, but given the circumstances I'm not sure I really believe it. (I forgot to mention, back at the end of May, Alice got Wendy to come and tell me that she, Alice, wasn't handling me and her trying to be friends as ex's and so didn't want us to have any contact.)

I am just so hurt by all of this. I also feel betrayed and I'm not sure how I'll be able to trust anyone in the future. I also feel like I've been a fool. Where do I go from here? :confused:

Toyah
09-01-2005, 02:30 PM
There are many times in life where I have read a friendship wrong and made a fool of myself. It is just a fact of life, it sucks but you just have to get to the next hurdle hun and try to jump it clean.

Julie York
09-01-2005, 06:18 PM
What a tangled web.

Basically...(as I see it which may not be right btw)...you can't be 'special' friends with your ex partner's...friend. It just isn't right in any combination of male female, male male, female female.

Shift positions for a moment. See it from Wendy's point of view.
Her friend has a partner. They split. The partner then wants to confide in her. This isn't just someone she knows. This is someone who is now disconnected with her friend, who is encroaching on that friendship by being intrusive and making her uncomfortable by sharing intimate knowledge with her whether she wants it or not.

She doesn't want it, and doesn't wish to be directly offensive by rejecting you so makes excuses that become more and more obvious until she has to resort to just not communicating at all.

Painful...but true.


.

Gabriel
09-01-2005, 10:54 PM
I think you have done all you can... and I think you did the right things.

From my past experience of being dealt the silence-card, the intention was to "hurt" so much at once so that the pain doesn't last for a longer period of time (you know, the band-aid-removing analogy).

What else is there to do? Close down for a while to recover, but then one simply moves on... As to whether or not to trust anyone else, I can't say for sure. All I know is, don't live with regrets.

Puer
09-03-2005, 05:01 AM
Shift positions for a moment. See it from Wendy's point of view.
Her friend has a partner. They split. The partner then wants to confide in her. This isn't just someone she knows. This is someone who is now disconnected with her friend, who is encroaching on that friendship by being intrusive and making her uncomfortable by sharing intimate knowledge with her whether she wants it or not.

She doesn't want it, and doesn't wish to be directly offensive by rejecting you so makes excuses that become more and more obvious until she has to resort to just not communicating at all.
.

Julie, I take your point. However, at the time, she positively encouraged me to share stuff with her otherwise I wouldn't have done it - certainly not about the cross-dressing. You're probably right tho' that it eventually got too much for her, especially once Alice stopped contact. I just feel it's a shame she couldn't just tell me, instead of making excuses.

Toyah and Gabriel, thanks for your comments. You have all helped. I just need to find a way to move on from this as quickly as possible and not beat myself up about it.

Puer x

SaraGoth
09-04-2005, 12:02 AM
Julie, I take your point. However, at the time, she positively encouraged me to share stuff with her otherwise I wouldn't have done it - certainly not about the cross-dressing. You're probably right tho' that it eventually got too much for her, especially once Alice stopped contact. I just feel it's a shame she couldn't just tell me, instead of making excuses.
Toyah and Gabriel, thanks for your comments. You have all helped. I just need to find a way to move on from this as quickly as possible and not beat myself up about it.
Puer x

I feel for you, Puer... The best thing I can say is this: In Japanese and Chinese, the word (pronounced in Japanese as) 'kiki' is made up of two Chinese characters, the first meaning 'danger' and the other 'opportunity' or chance. Therefore, think of a 'crisis' as one where, yes, you feel all these things of betrayal, let down, lessening self-worth, but then again, it is a chance, an opportunity to change, to move on, to seek a different path. You are still alive and breathing and that means there's always another path.

Let me tell you a story.

Back in the mid-late '90's...I was dating a girl in college that had been raped (at least according to her) and I had no reason not to believe her. I felt sorry for her and kind of went into a rescuing mode, which at that time was typical of me. We dated for 6 months and actually was planning on getting married! We were both 20! Her parents were 'OK' about it, but mine weren't. We shrugged it off and said we'd do what we wanted to do! Typical kid's thinking, right!

Well, that summer turned to the fall and things changed. Her moods changed and well, things started to go down hill.

One night changed everything. What I thought was consenusal, she thought was some sort of rape or assault. It was a very confusing time for both of us. Long story short, she took it to the university and then we settled the matter between ourselves via my representive lawyer, etc. It was nasty at first, but being 20, everything seems either black or white, right?

She said she didn't know exactly what I did, and I just apologized for hurting her in any way. The university chimed in and said that if I wrote a paper on rape and talked to a therapist (a woman, who was very nice and understanding, btw) then the whole inccident would be erased from the record. I said fine and wrote the paper. I haven't seen or heard from her in almost 9 years. And probably never will.

It took me a good year to let go of things. It was extremely tough. Despite her initial nastiness towards me, she compromised, and though she never said 'I forgive you', I felt her gesture of 'letting me go' as it were, was the kind of forgiveness she could only give without stating it. Being my 'first' made it all the more painful. You never forget your first, right...

It was tough. And wow, had I not gone through that and decided to go to Japan the following year, I wouldn't have met my current wife. Who I certainly don't have to 'rescue'. In a way, she rescued me. :D

Moral of the story; there are some people that you meet in life that you may wish you have never met or gotten involved with, but those people are some of the more special ones, the ones that teach you something about the world, about yourself, and makes you stronger, though it sure doesn't feel like it at the time things hit the fan.

To paraphrase an ancient American proverb:

If you wear it, she will come. ;)

Peace and love, my dear...

Sarayuki :D

Vampkittii
09-05-2005, 05:38 AM
knowledge enlightens us and in learning news things and meeting new people we all shall grow. Any time you need to chat Im here. vampkittii

Puer
09-05-2005, 12:15 PM
SaraGoth - thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot to me.

Vampkittii - thank you too for your support.

You have both given me strength. :)

KarenXDR
09-06-2005, 10:47 AM
...I learned something today.

Lipstick kisses

Karen

SaraGoth
09-08-2005, 03:51 AM
...I learned something today.

Lipstick kisses

Karen

Hi Karen...
Thank you for the kisses! We never do stop learning do we...;)

Peace,
Sarayuki :D

Rachel_740
09-08-2005, 02:01 PM
Puer,

Could it be that Wendy felt you wanted more than freindship and were trying to get into a relationship with her and she did want that, for whatever reason, be it your CDing or another reason?

Anne

Puer
09-09-2005, 10:59 AM
Puer,
Could it be that Wendy felt you wanted more than freindship and were trying to get into a relationship with her and she did want that, for whatever reason, be it your CDing or another reason?
Anne

Anne,

I don't think so - or at least I hope not! I'd been very clear right from the beginning in a number of conversations that I wasn't looking for another partner. Also, she is straight and has a partner - I really wouldn't want to get into the middle of that, too much potential for a total mess!!

Obviously I can't control what she thinks about a situation, but if that was what she thought then she was sadly mistaken. Ho hum. :rolleyes:

Puer

Lauren_T
09-09-2005, 12:02 PM
Puer, Anne may have something there.

Reading your account, I couldn't help but notice that Wendy's behaviour seems to be a classic case of homophobia in action. You don't have to do anything, the homophobe tends toward paranoia. My impression is that your Wendy there sees an imaginary threat (here, the fear that you might hit on her).

Not your fault, and that's all that matters in the end, innit? :D

Puer
09-10-2005, 11:34 AM
Not your fault, and that's all that matters in the end, innit? :D

Absolutely - I can only go upwards and onward from here!! :D