Puer
09-01-2005, 01:25 PM
I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this thread, only that I'm feeling low about something that happened recently and need some support to get through it.
First the background: Wendy and I became friends at the beginning of this year. We were acquaintances prior to that - I knew of her through my partner, Alice - and, whilst I split up with my girlfriend last summer, the three of us would see each other socially once in a while. However, since January Wendy and I have become good friends and have met up regularly to talk, have coffee, meals out, etc.
I eventually told her about being a FTM crossdresser, it being something I had finally just acknowledged to myself. The only other people I've shared this with are my therapist and this forum, so it was a big deal for me, but I thought I could trust her with it. She was very supportive and encouraged me to 'follow my heart'. It was in many ways a great experience to be accepted so easily. We even talked about whether she wanted to meet me while I was dressed as a guy. She said she wanted to think about it and went off on holiday.
When she came back we met up, had coffee, talked about her holiday - all the usual stuff. We also talked about my cding and her meeting me dressed. She seemed to be up for it and certainly talked as though she was really interested, asking how I dressed and did my hair, etc. I was feeling quite exhilarated, but also rather nervous. I came down to earth with a big bump the next day when I got an e-mail from her saying that she'd got too much going on in her life and had to cut back on seeing me and that she felt out of her depth with the cd stuff and didn't want to take it any further. I was really upset by this, not least because she had just sent me an e-mail and hadn't mentioned it when we met the day before. I also found it difficult because, as I'd previously told her, I'm afraid that when people find out about who I am they will not want to know me. I certainly felt like that fear was being validated.
We met up after this to talk it through, but the outcome was that she wanted to drastically reduce how often we saw each other. I tried to respect her wishes, just the occasional 'how are you doing?' type of text. I noticed though that it was always me making the first move.
I've been off on holiday and when I got back I texted Wendy to say I'd got her birthday present and pictures from my birthday bash, could we meet. She replied that she couldn't just now, but would get in touch. After a week and a half I gave up and e-mailed her - fairly light-hearted and chatty; can I drop your present round; have you still got that cd you borrowed; etc.
I got back a reply that said because of how her friendship was with Alice, she felt it would be unmanagable and inappropriate to resume contact with me. She also wished me luck for the future and hoped I would eventually find someone special. This last bit confused me as we had talked about the fact that I wasn't looking for a new partner and wasn't planning to. I was upset by her e-mail and disapointed and I sent her an e-mail saying so. I also asked when she would have told me if I hadn't e-mailed her in the first place. (I mean would she have left me hanging, waiting for her to eventually get in touch.) All I got back was a message saying she hadn't got my cd, nothing else. Not even an acknowledgment of my feelings or a sorry its ended like this.
I don't know what to do. I've gone from having a friend I saw regularly to nothing. Owing to the timing of when she first cut-off from me, I'm worried that its because of my cross-dressing that this has happened. It may well be that she felt she was doing to much and that things were getting too complicated trying to be friends with me and my ex, but given the circumstances I'm not sure I really believe it. (I forgot to mention, back at the end of May, Alice got Wendy to come and tell me that she, Alice, wasn't handling me and her trying to be friends as ex's and so didn't want us to have any contact.)
I am just so hurt by all of this. I also feel betrayed and I'm not sure how I'll be able to trust anyone in the future. I also feel like I've been a fool. Where do I go from here? :confused:
First the background: Wendy and I became friends at the beginning of this year. We were acquaintances prior to that - I knew of her through my partner, Alice - and, whilst I split up with my girlfriend last summer, the three of us would see each other socially once in a while. However, since January Wendy and I have become good friends and have met up regularly to talk, have coffee, meals out, etc.
I eventually told her about being a FTM crossdresser, it being something I had finally just acknowledged to myself. The only other people I've shared this with are my therapist and this forum, so it was a big deal for me, but I thought I could trust her with it. She was very supportive and encouraged me to 'follow my heart'. It was in many ways a great experience to be accepted so easily. We even talked about whether she wanted to meet me while I was dressed as a guy. She said she wanted to think about it and went off on holiday.
When she came back we met up, had coffee, talked about her holiday - all the usual stuff. We also talked about my cding and her meeting me dressed. She seemed to be up for it and certainly talked as though she was really interested, asking how I dressed and did my hair, etc. I was feeling quite exhilarated, but also rather nervous. I came down to earth with a big bump the next day when I got an e-mail from her saying that she'd got too much going on in her life and had to cut back on seeing me and that she felt out of her depth with the cd stuff and didn't want to take it any further. I was really upset by this, not least because she had just sent me an e-mail and hadn't mentioned it when we met the day before. I also found it difficult because, as I'd previously told her, I'm afraid that when people find out about who I am they will not want to know me. I certainly felt like that fear was being validated.
We met up after this to talk it through, but the outcome was that she wanted to drastically reduce how often we saw each other. I tried to respect her wishes, just the occasional 'how are you doing?' type of text. I noticed though that it was always me making the first move.
I've been off on holiday and when I got back I texted Wendy to say I'd got her birthday present and pictures from my birthday bash, could we meet. She replied that she couldn't just now, but would get in touch. After a week and a half I gave up and e-mailed her - fairly light-hearted and chatty; can I drop your present round; have you still got that cd you borrowed; etc.
I got back a reply that said because of how her friendship was with Alice, she felt it would be unmanagable and inappropriate to resume contact with me. She also wished me luck for the future and hoped I would eventually find someone special. This last bit confused me as we had talked about the fact that I wasn't looking for a new partner and wasn't planning to. I was upset by her e-mail and disapointed and I sent her an e-mail saying so. I also asked when she would have told me if I hadn't e-mailed her in the first place. (I mean would she have left me hanging, waiting for her to eventually get in touch.) All I got back was a message saying she hadn't got my cd, nothing else. Not even an acknowledgment of my feelings or a sorry its ended like this.
I don't know what to do. I've gone from having a friend I saw regularly to nothing. Owing to the timing of when she first cut-off from me, I'm worried that its because of my cross-dressing that this has happened. It may well be that she felt she was doing to much and that things were getting too complicated trying to be friends with me and my ex, but given the circumstances I'm not sure I really believe it. (I forgot to mention, back at the end of May, Alice got Wendy to come and tell me that she, Alice, wasn't handling me and her trying to be friends as ex's and so didn't want us to have any contact.)
I am just so hurt by all of this. I also feel betrayed and I'm not sure how I'll be able to trust anyone in the future. I also feel like I've been a fool. Where do I go from here? :confused: