Upbringing & self acceptance.

[Nichola]

Although crossdressing gives me a huge thrill,(albeit all in private so far), I still often feel ashamed of myself. I sometimes think to myself "This is wrong, I should quit" & I wonder if this is to do with my upbringing. My father was a very strict & aggressive man and he was unaccepting of anything that differed from the 'norm'. I always felt I had to conform to his standards & to be who he expected me to be. As a result of this I learnt very early in life to keep this little secret to myself.

I think I'd be a crossdresser no matter how I was brought up, but I think if things had been a little more relaxed then maybe I wouldn't feel such shame for the way I am.

I'm coming to realise that this is something which makes me happy & although I've tried to quit several times, I know I'll never be able to. I'm also realising how badly I miss it when I don't get the chance to dress and what a great stress reliever it can be.

I just wish I could feel more comfortable in my own skin & perhaps with a more relaxed upbringing I could have been.

Crossdressing remains a double edged sword for me. In one sense I love it, but in the other sense I feel so ashamed of myself.
Do any of you feel this way & do you feel that your upbringing may have affected your self acceptance?

Nichola
x

[Ashleythenewgirl]

Nichola.
I can relate to this very well. Since coming out to my wife almost three months ago about my interests I've felt pretty much the same as you. It wasn't until August 1 that I accepted I wanted to have Ashley in my life. It's been better since then....and difficult too.
I have had a difficult time in life in general since my parents never accepted me for who I was to begin with. I too was expected to conform to their standards which I could never meet. But this year I feel it's time to make some changes. Sounds like you and I have lots in common.
This journey we're on....it's a good one and I am willing to continue. I'm here for you.
Ashley

[kayegirl]

Nichola: Your father sounds a lot like mine, although in my case without the aggression, but for the rest, yes "if you don't understands it.it has to be wrong". And like you I have been through the ashamed/guilt phase, but now I have learnt to accewpt who, and what I am. The shame has gone, and the more people that matter to me, and know abou my cding, the happier I become. Ashley is right, the journey we are on is a good one, don't be ashamed, and never forget, you are not alone.

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Nichola
I agree with what the other girls said.
The sooner you admit to yourself who and what you are thing do seem to fall into place.
When you have finally found someone to confide in this will probably also make you feel happier as well.
This may not be your partner at present but there may be someone on this forum that lives nearby who could be helpful.
It worked for me.
Good luck.
PJ

[JainaCarpaccio]

For years I was in the same boat. Partly out of fear from my father's violent reaction to it, and partly because my mother looked at it like it was some kind of mental illness. I kept in the closet for well over six years, and while I enjoyed being dressed, I always felt a twinge of guilt. Partly because I knew my parents thought it was wrong while i was doing it, and then because i knew it was what i wanted when i was putting my things away. When I finally moved out a few months ago, I felty a certain amount of liberty since I was no longer living with my parents, and as such I didn't have to go by their rules any longer. I don't feel guilt for it anymore since I know its a part of who I am, and because I'm living on my own, it's my own say in what I do.

[Asako]

I too went through a guilt phase for a while when I tried CDing at the age of 10. It felt amazing but there was that nagging guilt that would never back off. When I really stopped to think about why I did it, I couldn't explain why I did it much less liked it. That scared me to death and I buried every bit of that side of me until something that happened when I was almost 21(3-4 years ago). Any time it's come up between me and my dad, it's been an argument that neither of us meant to have. I think that's just because he doesn't understand it at all. Anytime I start to worry about a potential argument with him, I stop and ask myself. "What makes me happy?" and that lessens the weight of my feelings.

[Alice Torn]

Dittos here. At 56, still dealing with a harsh, dry alcoholic father, who is rather tyrannical, and still feels he has authoruty over me.

[Kate Simmons]

The only way not to feel ashamed of yourself is to take ownership of the feelings, make them your own, take responsibility for your actions and not be afraid or ashamed of who you are. That way you make things a conscious choice and you are in control of who you are and what you choose to look like.:)

[JainaCarpaccio]

still dealing with a harsh, dry alcoholic father, who is rather tyrannical,

ugh yeah alcoholics are not fun, though it'll be a cold day in hell before my old man admits to it.

[Rianna Humble]

In my case, it was not unyielding parents, but involvement with a fundamentalist religious group who taught that anything other than binary-gender heterosexuality was a "sinful choice". As a result, I struggled for over 20 years with massive guilt trips every time I sneaked a little time dressed as the woman I truly was.

The way I put it to the psychiatrist who was evaluating me for Gender Dysphoria was "Those brief moments dressed as a woman, brought an immense sensation of liberty, but were invariably followed by a massive guilt trip".

It is only in the last 15 months that I have given up fighting it and realised that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Apparently a small number of narrow-minded people in my town think that I am arrogant to say I have no need to be ashamed. Fortunately, the vast majority of those I come in contact with near to home or near to work are supportive.

[Patty B.]

Nichola, learn to accept and enjoy yourself, been through what you've described, but its up to you now. Read a lot on this site it really helps, I've been reading as a guest for almost a year before registering. It's a great forum to belong to, but self acceptance is the key.

[Alice Torn]

Rianna, Dittos here, for strict religoin. It says all sex and sensuality outside of hetero sex, is sinful, condemned. Struggled for decades with the guilt, shame, still do some. Where i agree that sex outside of marriage, is a problem, just dressing, out of a deep desire, is a bit different.

[Alice Torn]

Sorry, I lieft out one word, which is hetero marriage. Strict churches say only in hetero marriage, can there be sex, or sensuality. I would like to have that, but, it has always been denied me. Dressing is one way to make up for the deficit, and lack of a wife.

[Debb]

Hi Nichola!

I'm in the same boat, let's row together, shall we? My dad was unaccepting of anything that wasn't what he considered "normal", and normal to him was a very straight, narrow path defined by his religion.

I'm not blaming my shame on religion, let me be clear. Don't wanna stir that hornet's nest ... I'm just saying that my Dad got it wrong.

Change can happen, I am here to cheerfully tell you! Dad has grown more accepting of "out of spec" things, although he still doesn't understand or accept any part of transgender feelings or behavior; too bad for me, I guess. I remain hopeful.

I have been cross-dressing and pushing the transgender border for quite a few years, and I gotta admit, I still feel shame sometimes. "Shame" is perhaps too strong a word... much of the time, I feel ... embarrassed? I just don't want to explain myself, therefore I tend to "hide" even though I'm out and about.

To sum up: yes, I still feel what could be called Shame .. and yes, it's partially because of my upbringing, although that's not the whole story by a long yard.

[Debutante]

Thank you for addressing this issue!
I too have felt the same shame, right from the beginning. It is something my patriarchal,
military-influenced father put on me, internalized by me. It has taken years to deal with, with
more suffering and low self-esteem. I'm finally stepping out of the shame, fear and anxiety.
Thankfully, I have a loving goddess-woman who understands all this, and we share
our spiriutal values in the Goddess, including the ancient histories of gender variant priestesses.
This spiritual reslease gives me great happiness, meaning, and direction...
We carry the patriarchy inside us all...

[Alice Torn]

Jaina, Yep. My dry alcoholic, narcissist self-pitying dad has not apologized to me, either, for anything. I have done so to him, but, he and my brothers have always had ill will to me, and i could never live up to any of their ideals, long before crossdressing. Forgiving is a hard thing, I have done over and over, and am in recovery for 29 yrs. It has been an emotional living hell family, and still is, and cding throughs another issue into it. I was about to cut myself off from my family, in 1981, and had every good reason to do so. Sometimes, I think I should have, for my own sake.

[Barbara Dugan]

I can relate to your feelings ...I just discover the reason I shut my closet door my whole live
My parents are always been kind loving and generous with me but my Mom suffered from clinical depression when I was little and had to be institutionalized for long periods of time. Imagine how scary can be for a little boy
I just recently recalled a repressed memory from that time. I remember being like 6 or 7 year old and overhead a conversation between my mom and dad
they were discussing and very worried at my behavior and the way I was acting gender wise..my Mom was kind of blaming at her illness and the little time I used to spend with dad. The way I rationalize it was, I don't want to make Mom sick or cause her more trouble... I will try to act like a normal boy from now on.

[adrienner99]

I think that regardless of upbringing, CDing involves some level of guilt or shame. I hate to say it. Those feelings are a response to other people's projections of what's "right." What's right for us isn't going to be right for everyone. While we have no rational reason to feel shame or guilt, I think it is the rare CDer who does not.

[Debb]

I think that regardless of upbringing, CDing involves some level of guilt or shame. I hate to say it. Those feelings are a response to other people's projections of what's "right." What's right for us isn't going to be right for everyone. While we have no rational reason to feel shame or guilt, I think it is the rare CDer who does not.

Well said, adrienner99. It's darn hard to get over what others are thinking of us, and ironically that's exactly what we need to do.

[Steph.TS]

I too have had a strict father, who has conservative views, and saw crossdressing as a sin, when he found out he was quite upset, and it kept being a problem until I said it was just a phase, now he can joke about it but I'll bet if I told him I want to be a woman, there will be issues around that. problem about wanting to be a woman, is I'd have to live 24/7 for a year as a woman, I don't know how I can do that as I live with my parents, and I don't want to risk my job...

[Laura Evans]

I was in the same boat but not for family reasons but religious as in Rianna's response. It took the loving support of my SO to get me through all that guilt and shame into acceptance of myself. It has been 4 years now and I am so happy to be rid of those feelings. Doubts occasionaly lift their ugly head but I quickly push them asside. It is not easy changing a lifetime of indoctrination.

[Amanda22]

Nichola, I understand the guilt and shame. I imagine most all of us have or had that. It is healthy to not feel bad about these feelings but let them happen and pass. It seems that the longer I dwelled on those feelings, the longer they lasted. Within the last couple of weeks, I've come to accept my crossdressing as a vital part of myself that I would not get rid of even if I could. It is part of what makes me the unique person I am. I came to believe this with the help of a therapist, so I can't take total credit for that. But when I really understood that without the crossdressing I would not be the same person, I embraced it. Once that happened, I could not hide it from my spouse. She accepted it completely and believe me, I know how lucky I am.

Nichola, from your description of your feelings, it sounds that you are on a healthy path by recognizing that this isn't going away. I assure you it is not. At some point, hopefully very soon, you will love yourself enough to enjoy this aspect of yourself with no trace of fear, shame, or guilt, in spite of your father's problems.

I hope you get through this struggle quickly -- the joy you experience once you accept who you are, a beautiful person with no flaws whatsoever, will be life-changing. That is where I am right now, and so will you be, too.

[Christy_M]

I think that regardless of upbringing, CDing involves some level of guilt or shame. I hate to say it. Those feelings are a response to other people's projections of what's "right." What's right for us isn't going to be right for everyone. While we have no rational reason to feel shame or guilt, I think it is the rare CDer who does not.

This one sums it up for me. My parents were a little wacked out but not destructive to their kids (per se). I am not sure it is accurate to say it is rare to find a CDer who doesn't have shame, though. I have read plenty of stories here that suggest the shame will go away as the feminine expresison continues and becomes a regular part of life. I am in the middle of this, now. I am not feeling as guilty about Christy spending time on center stage although I do still feel a sense of wrong that only strong societal norms can create. Once society in general becomes accepting of people like us, IMHO, we will find more of us lose these feelings much easier.

I am in the same boat as you and will help you paddle as much as I can.

[Pythos]

I can't say that I feel guilt...but I do feel fear.

I have a deathly fear of what society will think of me. For the most part it is an irrational fear, and I am sure it is brought on by my up bringing. My dad was fairly strict, and violent at times, especially following a workout and a drink. Oh man, it was best to clear the hell out.

My mom also did not help with her irational fear of anything that does not fit into the "normal" category.

Almost nothing I do is normal, and the same is true for most people, they just don't realize it.

Both of my parents were brought up in the 50s, and let's face it, the paranoia along with other characteristics messed some people up bad.

My Dad would have reacted with disdain to my CDing, but I don't think he would have been all that surprised.

My Mother on the other hand is one of those that views it as a mental condition in need of fixing.

This is just how my parents are. I am not going to continue that line of thinking, and get really dismayed when I hear of fellow people that tread that line between Normal and Creative, wanting to hide this side of themselves from their kids.

[suzy1]

I have never felt any shame at all at crossdressing.
So, this post got me thinking about my upbringing.
Well, my mom and dad where not religious so no problem there. But the main thing I think is that I was taught to except and show respect for whatever people do as long as it does not hurt others. This has made me a nicer person I think.
I had a wonderful mom and dad.

Hugs, SUZY

[noeleena]

Hi.

Wow & wow .

Im thinking its been a walk in the park. concidering what many of you have had as family life. & some of you sound so young . he he . im 63. you know .

when i read your posts im thinking , i did not have a father. a blessing really well the first 5 years i saw some one , it did not resgister what he was . of cause i did see him at different times during the years, as Bob a friend. his name Robert.
if you had him as a father, it would have been horiffic knowing what he did to my mum . we left .

I fully understand what the guilt trip detail is about as to certain groups . know only to well.
one thing i had was being very strong mentaly , pig headed i spos so once id set my mind to some thing that was it . yet that is one of many details that has helped me get where i am now,
some times we have things going on inside & do we give up or allow the fear of the guilt or lack of self acceptance take us down. of cause these are just a few things .
yet i know, to be who we are., we need , to have that inner strength to see through to the end.
In some ways you struggle & have done more than i in ways that would be so hard ,

To me its not about what i wear its about being a person . that was the hardest & being accepted with lots of failings . thats what was taking me down .

Even Jos & our son said it would have been easyer being a dresser. & they like our other son & daughter could have accepted that . .they have accepted im a woman all of them just over 13 years getting there.

Oh , like i said its all or nothing for me. & the nothing you know where that leads.
a very real last resort i was not keen on that. never the less it was there. & bloody real.

Our granddaugter Dejarn was the one who keeped me vocused yes 7 y 8 m, with out her ............

When two of you go through hell Jos & i you understand what its about getting through , it took 8 years .
You learn self acceptance you have to have friends, women friends, you see who you are & in my case what your made of, do you have the will to get through it all , very hard.
I do see your struggles tho they may be similer it does not say they are less . so take heart, dress as who you should be, take down the walls of your inner conflict & just look ahead & be just you .

...noeleena...

[Lexine]

Absolutely.

When growing up, I was exposed to a wide variety of people. Gay, straight, lesbian, queer were ideas that, while the words describing them weren't mentioned in our household too much, did in fact exist freely for me to see and interact with. My aunts friends are either gay or lesbian and labels didn't mean anything to me because they were people.

When I wanted to CD, admittedly I had apprehensions. However, I believe that my upbringing made it easier for me to accept who I am and who other people can be in relation to me and that we are all driven by personal motivations on why we do things that we do. I'm under the impression that it's far more important to express yourself freely than repress it.

[Lucy_Bella]

Sounds like me,

I spent years feeling ashamed and in denial, meaning to the world I was a normal male who would never do as I have done , dress as I have or even admit to myself what I am.. I can semi accept this part of my life now and embrass it without shame or quilt .

I am amazed somewhat with my prgress , as far as sexual gratifacation and just let Lucy play it out keeping my male ego aside and at bay.. The turning point was from when I started coming here and being seprerated over 2 years ago from my wife, I didn't know how to handle my new found freedom to be....Me...

I am still very much a closet dresser but I feel my urge growing to become more open to certain friends and potential Female interest.. It is a constant struggle to keep Lucy bottled up but I know I need to and will continue to prep myself for more lonley nights.

[Emma England]

Feelings of shame arise when people that are near you (either family or strangers) say that crossdressing is wrong.

I would question people like that by asking "it is wrong because...?" So far, no one in the world has come up with a sensible answer.

YOU are part of society. Who is to say that your opinion is the correct one (well it is right from your point of view).

[Frédérique]

Although crossdressing gives me a huge thrill,(albeit all in private so far), I still often feel ashamed of myself. I sometimes think to myself "This is wrong, I should quit" & I wonder if this is to do with my upbringing. My father was a very strict & aggressive man and he was unaccepting of anything that differed from the 'norm'. I always felt I had to conform to his standards & to be who he expected me to be. As a result of this I learnt very early in life to keep this little secret to myself.

I’m sure your feeling of shame has to do with your upbringing – I had a similar father, masculine and strong, yet insecure at the same time. Luckily for me, he was older (I was born late in his life), so he really didn’t have the energy to transmit his aggressiveness in a directed manner. Still, I felt his lack of understanding for anything “out of the norm” – this came through in everything he said or did. As such, my crossdressing, as well as my more delicate nature, developed in opposition to my father’s required masculinity. I conformed to his unspoken standards just enough to get along and get by, but as soon as he was out of sight I explored my true self…


I think I'd be a crossdresser no matter how I was brought up, but I think if things had been a little more relaxed then maybe I wouldn't feel such shame for the way I am.
I'm coming to realise that this is something which makes me happy & although I've tried to quit several times, I know I'll never be able to. I'm also realising how badly I miss it when I don't get the chance to dress and what a great stress reliever it can be.

Please don’t feel shame for this beautiful feeling! You describe crossdressing well – it makes us happy, relieves stress, and it is sorely missed when the opportunity to dress isn’t forthcoming. I think my upbringing was more relaxed than yours, yet crossdressing became my favorite secret, something only I could understand, within the context of my own upbringing. I never once felt ashamed, though, since I explored my CD nature away from all expectations. I learned to hide it (that was nothing new for me) just to preserve the magic and keep the feelings near and dear…:battingeyelashes:

[Sarah Doepner]

Crossdressing remains a double edged sword for me. In one sense I love it, but in the other sense I feel so ashamed of myself.
Do any of you feel this way & do you feel that your upbringing may have affected your self acceptance?
x

Nichola,
My crossdressing was discovered by my mother after she and my father divorced. She let me know it was inappropriate and I felt the shame and everytime I got away with it again I ended up feeling guilty. As a teenager at the time I was also looking around for religion and guilt was a big part of that as well. It took me another 30 years, mostly with only my own counsel to work through some of these issues. Finally I found others who shared this love of crossdressing and the need to explore their feminine nature. Even after that it took a while before I became comfortable but still unable to get past the guilt.

I think now that the feeling of guilt comes from the belief that when we crossdress we are letting someone else down. However, once you realize how it helps you balance your nature, eliminates the stress and provides insight into how your life works, the result is one of relief. We benefit from this experience, we learn and begin to understand how to take the better parts of our feminine and masculine natures and create a more balanced person. When this happens, we are actually helping those we love a lot more than we are hurting them. It doesn't matter if we share this with them, although that is a good idea that I'm still working on, so long as we understand how we are growing.

Even Dad will understand that you can grow and help the ones you love, even if he doesn't know exactly how the growth is occuring.

[ReineD]

I think that regardless of upbringing, CDing involves some level of guilt or shame. I hate to say it. Those feelings are a response to other people's projections of what's "right." What's right for us isn't going to be right for everyone. While we have no rational reason to feel shame or guilt, I think it is the rare CDer who does not.

I agree with Adrienne. it is much deeper than having had harsh parenting or belonging to a strict religion. Some CDs have never had their families find out, nor are they religious, yet they are still reluctant to come out to everyone.

Although it is slowly changing, I think most people still disapprove of gender (and sexual) variance. People may understand there are others whose lifestyles vary, but they're not interested in supporting transness or homosexuality close to home. And most of us do need to fit into society, we need validation if not approval from others.

Why is there cultural anxiety about crossdressing and homosexuality? Some will say it is because of a pervasive religious influence, yet even non-religious people do not accept it, to the point of supporting it fully in the workforce or among family members. It seems to be everyone's little secret. Is this caused by cultural conditioning, or is the phobia hard-wired somehow? Some societies are even less accepting than we are in the developed world.

The gay rights movement has made great inroads in the last 40 years, but still there are pockets of people who wish to keep a distance from the homosexual community. And TGs are not nearly as visible as gays in fighting for recognition of their human rights.

Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent but it is hard for a TG to be willing to stand up and be proud when she knows she will be met with disapproval. It takes a lot of courage, I think, to overcome societal bias and reach full self-acceptance and you all have my full admiration for your perseverance.

[erica12b]

im right with you on this one , at times im feelng ok and think im over the guilts , but then out of the blue baam , what am i doing , guilt, i can remamber when i learned to hide my want to dress it was first grade and i was upset the girls all got to wear pretty dresses and i had to wear a little suit, it was a party of some kind , some how i knew i can not show that i wanted to dress like that i had to fit in with the boys , cant remember much of my child hood but this i can (still bothes me some times )

[Nichola]

Thanks everyone,
I've just read through the replies & I appreciate all of them.
Hopefully I can learn to become a little more comfortable with myself, but sometimes I just feel like I've been pre-programmed to think it's unacceptable.
One thing is for sure though, I can't change & when I do crossdress I just love it.
I just hope I don't have to keep this secret forever.

Nichola
x

[charlie]

Hello Nichola!
I used to feel exactly as you describe. I would dress, get excited and then feel shamed of myself and vow never to dress again. The cycle went on for quite awhile. Then I started to realize that others were like me and that maybe I was not quite as odd as I presupposed I was. I then started a long road toward accepting me (a male) and my female self. That led to my male and female self converging and becoming one. It is a long road, but extremely insightful and satisfying.

[Amanda22]

Nichola, no you can't change and neither can I. I would not want to change the CD part of me. It is who I am and I agree with you... When I crossdress I just love it. I really, really love it. The feelings Amanda has are indescribable.

[tricia_uktv]

Brilliant and huge question. I could only come out after my Father died, but I absolutely loved him to death and he was a brilliant (both intellectually and as a parent) man. He instilled the morals in me and made me the male I was, which was/is pretty good.

Once he died, and I still miss him, it gave me the confidence to explore other avenues myself. Particularily my femail side. I had to keep that away from my Mother (I still love) who was still grieving but did so.

Eventually I got to where I am today but it was hard work. My family; my Mother, three girls and my ex all know and accept me as the woman I wish to be.And I will be who I wish to be shortly.

If its within you then you have no choice but to get it out. So go for it hon. I can spend days and days living as a woman and I love it to death.

Good luck,

Hugs

[eluuzion]

hiya Nichola,

Yes, my verbally abusive, non-supportive, critical and emotionally vacant father did his best to destroy my ego strength and self concept. Fortunately, I learned to understand a few interesting aspects of the human mind that literally saved my life. At least it allowed me to let go of the baggage that was really not mine to carry. I returned my father's baggage to him and just kept my own.

I was going to present a few of the pitfalls present when we engage in "retrospective thinking". ("if only I would done this or that", or "if they would/wouldn't have."...yakity yak). This is called CFT (counterfactual thinking). But, I have elected to just post a link to a guy that did an impressive job at explaining "distorted thinking" and the damage it does to our thinking.

I consider this to be one of most important issues a person should understand in relation to the thought processes they use to navigate life...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/archive/index.php/t-57499.html

E

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from here and make a brand new ending".
-Carl Bard

[Nichola]

Hi eluuzion,
I read the link & its heavy stuff, but what I guess you are trying to say is to recognise what causes the shameful thoughts & to try to think differently.

[erickka]

Nichola, I must say that my situation mirrors yours EXACTLY. I also have a VERY unaccepting spouse, which can complicate matters. I have come to realize that this is who I am, that I will never change, and to make life the smoothest road that it can be. Once I learned to keep balance in my world, everything seemed to be much better.

[suchacutie]

Crossdressing may be our focus here in general, but this thread is really about the more general topic of "approval". Every human goes through a process of forming their own sense of being, and along the way we seek (conciously or unconciously) approval of those whom we value: parents, teachers, others of whom we might be in awe.

Breaking out of this dependence on approval is very difficult, and many people never break this dependence. In one way I'm very lucky that Tina came into my life after 1) I had pulled away from the need of approval from anyone except my wife, and 2) it was my wife who was instrumental in bringing Tina to life. In this situation there never was a moment of guilt. I am who I am. My wife and I are the only people who have any influence over Tina's existence. Everyone else can take a long walk off a short pier if they find fault with my feminine self!

After all, we are all worthy of being true to ourselves!

tina!

[Amanda22]

In one way I'm very lucky that Tina came into my life after 1) I had pulled away from the need of approval from anyone except my wife, and 2) it was my wife who was instrumental in bringing Tina to life. In this situation there never was a moment of guilt. I am who I am. My wife and I are the only people who have any influence over Tina's existence. Everyone else can take a long walk off a short pier if they find fault with my feminine self!

After all, we are all worthy of being true to ourselves!

tina!

Tina,

You worded this so well! Amanda has always been a part of me, yet it was my wife's approval and encouragement that has liberated me. Something very significant has changed in my life. Like you, I don't need the approval of anyone except my wonderful wife. I have not a trace of guilt or shame and I'm very happy to be who I am. As I've said in other posts, I value my crossdressing very highly. Without it, I'm not "me." I love me.

Thank you for phrasing this so beautifully.

[Chickhe]

Gee..pretty heavy stuff. I can relate to the narsasistic, alcoholic, smoking, sometimes abusive parents who never respected me and never actually talk to me, yet they think they can tell me what to do parents. They don't know about my CDing and I plan to keep it that way, they wouldn't accept it and it would add something new to the fire for them to complain about every time I see them. It always triggers depresseion when I interact with them which thankfully is only about once every year or two... Last year, something interesting happened. I was gradually feeling very happy throughout the year and thought their visit would be stressful, yet, I decided not to let them 'get to me' and so I was as friendly as I could be. Well, guess what? They show up, impose their agenda on us and demand that we visit them every day at their place which was just not practical with work, kid etc. So they get all bent out of shape, blame me for all kinds of stuff that happened many years ago which was not even my fault and once again they go home leaving my family upset. So back to the interesting part, as I said, I was feeling good and their actions didn't make me feel that bad, but still was unpleasant. So I decided to confront them, they actually sent me a letter with all the accusations in it, so I responded in kind and I got abusive language back, arguements, you name it... so I told them unless they agree to work things out, they won't be hearing much from me. It felt great, not the way you feel after putting up a great fight, but I felt calm, happy that I finally had a chance to face up to them. Hopefully things will work out eventually. The really interesting part is it somehow helped my personal acceptance of my CDing. I don't know if it is stress related or related to parental 'abuse' or the perfect storm. This tread struck a cord with me.

[Jamiegirl1]

Hi Nichola,I used to have a lot of guilt and shame after I dressed,since coming to this forum,I feel normal,we cannot help who we are.We must learn to accept it and enjoy it,when you accept that you are meant to be partly feminine it makes you feel better,gentler more at peace with yourself.I am still in the closet to my wife,but I don't feel guilty anymore hiding it from her.This is who I am........Jamie

[eluuzion]

Hi eluuzion,
I read the link & its heavy stuff, but what I guess you are trying to say is to recognise what causes the shameful thoughts & to try to think differently.

I would never try and tell anybody "how" to think. I have enough challenges trying to keep my own thoughts socially palatable enough to keep me out the psyche ward, lol. I was just suggesting that having some insight on the basis and origins of our thoughts helps us understand our inner self, others and life a little better.

Then again, sometimes it just makes life more confusing...lol

[Jay Cee]

I'm still feeling a bit of guilt and shame, but it is pretty minor, considering that I only came out to my gf a couple of months ago. Similar upbringing, and working construction doesn't help much, either. In the end, though, I've have to be myself, and the rest be darned if they cannot accept that.

With time, you'll feel more relaxed with it.

All the best

Jessie

[joanieb]

Hi Nicole, I can understand your thoughts on this. Though I think your strict upbring has a value to your thesis, I also think that you are simply a sensative person (I know I am and felt similar feelings yet I was brought up in a relaxed environment). No matter how you were raised you probably would have felt that you need to put others first, it may just be your nature (women of healthy homes put others first and sacrafic themselves, it's called being a mom). There is never anything wrong with this mind set, providied you nurture yourself as well. Like you, I once felt guilty or ashamed of what I was. In my experiences with life, I've come to realize that if you are doing everything you beleive you should be doing, you should also believe that you desirve reward time. This attitude helps to deminish the guilty feelings. Your guilt may be limiting you, but it's also helping you to survive your environment. Obviously there are things that will erupt if you come out, But you will erupt if you don't. Finding a balance to your life is necessary. I believe Crossgender personalities are normal biological and psycological occurances in nature and not the anomoly we sometimes make them out to be. We should all begin to believe that we were born this way through no fault of our own and find ways to comfort ourselves and those around us, that we are normal just like them.. but with a bit more flair for fashion.

[Teri Jean]

Nichola, I think many feel this way as I did also. It was when my CDing became more than I could control so I sought help with a gender therapist. My parents were not and still not accepting other than male or female, the "norms". I would say be yourself as much as you are comfortable and enjoy you uniqueness.

[Rachel2000]

I believe the key here is self acceptance. It took me about 35 years to finally accept who I am and always will be. Prior to this, there were always those feelings of guilt and shame not to mention constantly hiding for fear of what others might think. We are what we are and nothing can change it. These days I actually feel blessed to be who I am. Even my wife who wasn't exactly thrilled about my crossdressing, now asks my opinion about various styles of clothing, tells me all about the latest in beauty products whether it be makeup or a new type of hair removal product and generally talks to me like I am one of the girls. Its been a very long and heart wrenching journey which failed to have any happiness until I could accept myself for who I truly am. I honestly don't know how anything that is as harmless and feels as good as CD'ing could be considered so wrong by so many in our society. We are unique and special beings whose time has yet to come.

[kimdl93]

My mom and dad did the best they could, I think. When my proclivity became known, both approached me with the same words "We are always here for you, no matter what." If anything held me back it after that, it was my own self image and conception of how the larger world might view me.

[Samantha_Smile]

I too dealt with guilt for the great majority of my dressing years.
14.5 out of 15 years infact.
I started at age 13/14 (bit hazy to remember propperly, but I usually say 13 to make me sound cooler LOL), back then I always wore my mum's stuff, right up untill I moved out. This makes you feel the guilt and fear, mainly of being caught and the implications that go with that.
Then when I moved out with my girlfriend, I wore her stuff. Again, guilt and fear.

But then when she found out and began to help me dress better I began to lose all sense of guilt and fear. How can guilt exist when your lover and closest friend accepts your other side. How can you fear being caught when it's happened?

There are regrets, sure, but mainly I'm just happy things are the way they are.

As for accepting myself?
Well heres my ass-kissing line...
If it werent for this forum, and all of the people who showed me support when I finally typed the words I am a crossdresser, then I dont think I would be as happy as I am today. I honestly couldn't say where I'd be, but I know that this is where I'd ilke to be in my own life and relationship, and I do have to offer thanks to you all.

Point is, Ive recognised that CDing is a part of me, odds are its here to stay, and its only in the last 7 months that I can say that Im fine with it that way.
Embrace this, becuase it's part of what makes YOU, so don't hide it away.
Why would you hide yourself away?