second thoughts

[Victoria Anne]

I am having second thought about coming out at work. I was just in the office yesterday for the first time in 9 months , limited staff due to the holiday but no big deal , no comments.

Understand in my line of work (I drive a truck) women wear jeans and t-shirt,polo or some a button down shirt and tennis shoes with no make-up . I wear tennis shoes and jeans with a spaghetti strap top and a male button down shirt ( the only male attire I wear at work) and no make-up . So how different am I now ? I am going to wear a wig , long and straight and in a pony tail but as I already dress as a woman and there are no questions or comments do I really need to muddy the waters by coming out ?

Here is another dilemma with coming out , first and foremost my wife is uninsurable and her medical costs are astronomical so I can in no way afford to risk losing that even if it meant my living in hell. So back to why muddy the waters ?

Now to complicate things a bit I work for an international company that has no gender identity protection although it is based in Oregon which does have gender identity protection laws , I am employed buy a division of that company based in Missouri so am I protected by the laws in Oregon where the parent company is based ? Our HR dept is in Oregon as is our benefits and our payroll so am I protected ? I am just not sure.

You can see why I am having second thoughts , there is no way under the sun that I am not going full time on the 18Th , it is just coming out at work that I am uncertain of , my sister and therapist both feel I am not fooling anyone at work with my manner of dress and I have changed my name , Keeping my first name (ugh) in order to save my job but since I am not in there face as it were is there any real problem with not coming out ? I am leaning heavily on keeping quit and just doing my job and staying safe at work .

Any thoughts ?

[My Lady Marsea]

Well you like know my thoughts girl. Just figure the 18th is the big unveiling or wutever and just do it. As Tim of Project Runway says, "Make it work".
Get the wig, get all your IDs in it along with the name change we talked about. At this point you've like come waaaay too far to take even one step backward. Yeah, just do it and don't say anything until it comes up. Keep the lid on the worms so to speak until you like have to start fishing for a living. Remember, these ppl, the majority of which you don't see on like a super regular basis, all have a job to do and as long as everything is updated and on file, that's all they care about and they'll never really notice or care. They just want proper expiration dates, pics and wutever. You're already the same as the other female drivers you've seen, so just get the hair and blend. More important, do everything like you own the place, confidence sorta puts most ppl off guard in that they figure you know what you're doing so who are they to question? I have so totally much faith in you, look where you were like 2 years ago and where you are now. You go girlfriend. Keep looking in that mirror while you're truckin' and feel so totally content about what you see, no more 800 lb monkey on YOUR back lol.

[Victoria Anne]

I think it may be wiser to wait for now anyway , but if my Doctor does sign the gender change forms I am sure that will cause some sort of reaction from the company so I believe it would be equally wise to begin to get some form of a plan together to talk with the HR dept and hope for the best.

[Faith_G]

I drive truck too.

What was important to me was that people stopped treating me like a guy. In order for that to happen, I had to come out. If you don't mind people continuing to call you by your old name and referring to you as "he", then I guess there's no reason to make any announcement. That was driving me nuts and I could not have stood it much longer.

I wear women's uniform pants and a women's polo shirt with the company logo. I wear minimal makeup, just powder over sunscreen and basic eyes with neutral lipstick, takes 5 minutes in the morning. I'm obviously a woman without being inappropriate for the work I do. It seems to work well, people who did not know me as a guy consistently gender me as female.

We don't have a gender policy either, it's a small family owned company (no, I'm not in the family). As a company, we were afraid there would be a lot of resistance to my transition. I mean, this is Amish country - I actually deliver to Amish farms!

It's been a non-event, we have had almost no negative response.

Lesson learned - the world does NOT revolve around me. Nobody cares, this is not as big a deal as I thought it was.

We are truck drivers. Customers see us for 5 minutes. As long as the stuff keeps coming, they don't care if it's brought by space aliens.

[Danni Bear]

Victoria,

The state that the company is chartered in is the one whose laws they have to abide by. It does not matter if they are an intl. company or not. Whether you come out to them or not on your own they will find out from insurance. It always pays to be upfront with your employer when you are transitioning.


:hugs:
Danni

[Chickhe]

The great thing about companies that operate in multiple regions is you can actually get the benefits of legal protection from both locations... at least you should expect the company to honor the laws where it operates and additionally you can expect your local laws where you live to protect you. I don't think you want to go the legal battle though... but...if you are changing your gender etc... don't you need to have an advocate at work in case a problem comes up related to that?... better to have someone defend you than have a surprise.

[lynn27]

just my opinion, with the way the job market is i wouldn't do anything to force the company's hand. there are way to many people looking for work to give the company another reason to replace you. it seems like every day we hear another story of a girl being laid off, forced out or not being called back.

i always hear people saying the gender is between your ears, then it isn't really all about how we outwardly project ourselves or the clothes we wear. as long as you can feel the part and feel good about yourself there shouldn't be a great need to exclaim it to everyone 24/7, especially when that could cost you your paycheck.

if you and the company are fine with an unofficial transistion go with that.

[AllieSF]

I do not remember your previous threads and can't really tell from this one if you have already discussed this with your HR department. If you have, then you should only follow how you feel, because you have to live with the results. If you haven't discussed this with HR, by all means do that first so that you have them on your side. They are there to make that happen and to ensure that a good employee is treated fairly according to the law. It may only be a brief delay, but can really make your transition at work a smooth one. Good luck.

[RADER]

Use caution; If you do change genders, will that eliminate your wife off your medical Insurance?
My wife has many medical problems; Spent 150 Days in Hospitals 2 years ago, and with out my
Union Insurance, well we would be deep in debt. I am a retired Carpenter.
I know about all those so called protection rites, but with the economy like it is, why take a chance
of losing your job over some fabricated reason that you can not defend your self from.
Wishing you the best of luck. Rader :)

[Inna]

We all seek validation in our lives and coming out is such. But your caution is well found, since you probably feel something inside which tells you to keep it at bay. Go with your instincts, you know who you are and since you are fairly free to dress as you put it feminine anyway then you are half way there. Such reveal to the bosses may upset fine balance and provoke actions not necessarily in your favor. Good luck with what ever decision you will make, love, Alexia.

[morgan51]

I am on the side of caution I would not do anything your intuition warns against. I believe in myself and my instincts are usually dead on.I am sure yours are as well. Good luck!

[Victoria Anne]

Thank you all for your response , I have alot to think about . I do not want to be called Tim anylonger but it is my wife and her needs that I must think of as she is the biggest reason I have come to accept myself and move forward in my life , into transition . That is not to underscore your roles in my growth but it is my wife who has been the key and to disregard her , I could not live with that. I will have to talk to the HR dept. but under HIPPA protection , I need to think more about this as I am free in my dress and my presentation is female , I think I could live with that for now . Thank you all again.

[luvSophia]

Your wife's uninsurability throws a big wrench in the works, that's for sure. I know people who are in a similar situation where he really does not like his job but basically can never quit because of his wife's medical situation. A couple things to think about though:

If you are planning on presenting as a woman unless you have to do something with your employer what happens if a client you deliver to or DOT has occasion to call the office and uses feminine pronouns when talking about you?

How does any of this impact your CDL? What happens during your physical? A random urinalysis?

For me the period of time when I was full time except for work was horrible. YMMV. My recommendation to you would be to at least check in with your HR department. While your company may not have gender identity protection written in to their employees rights they may well have an official policy on handling transitioning employees. At the very least if your situation should suddenly head south you will have at least touched base with HR ahead of time.

[noeleena]

Hi,
I know this wont help much ,
im a builder & just carryed on working just the same. i took time out to have my surgerys & then after back to work . s r s & b a .

Of cause in many ways there were no changes . , at work i looked the same except my breasts other than that no probs i still wore shorts & tops that id been wearing before .
of cause i had no hair then or now just wore a sun hat, no bigge . no make up,
still wore my earings just the same.

Now i dealt with the same people then as now , tho the difference was they all knew what was happening & strangers on the job not a problem i just carryed on , as we say buisness as usual .
Hey it could have been looked at like is he / she a he or she. im both & what does it matter . not a bit, the jobs still got done .

....noeleena...

[CharleneT]

Considering the importance of the job/insurance, I would consult an attorney about your rights and where you may or may not be covered by state laws. Do this before talking to the HR dept, as this little bit of info (coming out Trans) tends to be a secret few can resist spreading. If there is a potential downside legally, you'll want to know prior to telling them about yourself.

[Melody Moore]

Now to complicate things a bit I work for an international company that has no gender identity protection although it is based in Oregon which does have gender identity protection laws , I am employed buy a division of that company based in Missouri so am I protected by the laws in Oregon where the parent company is based ? Our HR dept is in Oregon as is our benefits and our payroll so am I protected ? I am just not sure.
You are protected by the laws of the state that you live & work in. It is the company's lawful duty to act in accordance with state laws. Being an international entity does not give them any sort of diplomatic immunity whatsoever. So arm yourself with the knowledge you need about your gender identity protection laws in case you do have any issues.

I wouldnt worry too much about losing your job over this because the first question is, how long have you worked there? and has your work always been satisfactory? it would be very awkward for any company to fire you over this given the fact that there hasnt been any complaints about your work performance in the past. Firing you after you come out would look very discriminatory on your company's behalf.

Just be confident & concise about who you are & in what you are doing when talking to any of the management about your transitioning.

If any issues or discrimination or vilification arise from any of your other work colleagues, then make a complaint to your management. Ask them nicely to act on your behalf to deal any issues with work colleagues. But if the management fail to act, then you might have to let them know of the matter isn't dealt with then you intend to lodge a formal complaint to your state's anti-discrimination commission. This is the last thing your management would want to have to also deal with, so watch them snap their heels & come to attention real fast on that one. LOL

I really believe that for the most part that your coming out wont be as bad as you think - you can certainly expect that there will be questions by some people, but the more confident you are, the more they respect your decision & who you are & will quickly leave you alone - Be strong & NEVER cave in from any sort of pressure.

[dilane]

If you want to risk your wife's (and your) health coverage and your job, go for it!

Otherwise, tap the brakes and study the road ahead of you before acting.