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LitaKelley
09-05-2010, 06:47 PM
So, not too long ago, I browsed around youtube for eyeshadow videos and more on makeup, etc when I come across one put together by whom I thought was a GG and I thought to myself, wow.. she is GORGEOUS.. so, I clicked to see her other videos and learned that she is a TS.

So, today I was watching one of her videos and my wife walks in and says "Who's that", so I tell her I'm watching videos on makeup, then my wife says "you like her, huh", so I said "yeah, I think she's gorgeous" but then my wife hears the voice and asks "why is she talking like that" so I tell her, "biologically, she's a boy"..

Now my wife is mad and says "and you like that"... I tell her, "she's beautiful.. what's wrong with thinking someone is beautiful".. but my wife walks away and as she's storming off says "first you want to be a woman, and now you're gay.. WTF" then slams my office door.

Anyway, here's the video I was watching today
http://www.youtube.com/user/blondemannequin#p/u/14/7lnS8LqgmqU
7lnS8LqgmqU

I just think she's a beautiful girl and it don't matter to me that she's TS.. what's wrong with thinking someone is beautiful and why does it end up becoming a gay thing.. As far as I'm concerned, all I see is a gorgeous girl, so why does my wife accuse me of being gay....

Tanya83
09-05-2010, 06:53 PM
So she was fine with you watching pretty women on you tube?

Debb
09-05-2010, 06:55 PM
Well, she IS pretty cute. :)

How long have you been out to your wife? Reason I ask is, I can almost picture exactly how this went, because I faced the same kind of accusations too.

It's darn hard for our wives to accept this; it's a lot to deal with. She may just be freaking out, in which case she'll have time to calm down and perhaps you guys'll get some talking done.

Or it just could be that she's been thinking this all along. Either way, she's angry right now, and speaking for myself, it's never been a good policy to kick the beehive just after a wind storm. Sorry, channeling the old west today.

NathalieX66
09-05-2010, 07:06 PM
Does your wife know that you have an interest in crossdressing before she caught you red handed watching this video?
If you ask me, that video is a pretty big bomb on her if she knows nothing about this side of you.
I would say this forum is full of countless posts about latent revelations to spouses and partners, thus the feeling of betrayal.

OK, for the millionth time, being a crossdresser is not an indication of being gay, though there are no shortage of gay cd'ers and/or gender benders. As far as straight guys (like myself) , it's like this: you love women. You love women's clothes and the way they look on women, you love it so much you want to emulate women...enough so to take an interest in dressing up like one. You adore the feminine mystique. You just like the look. That doesn't sound too gay to me. I don't know how where or why society accepts the stereotype of crossdressers being gay automatically. Even some gay guys sometimes think crossdressers are gay.
But it sounds like you may have a bigger problem to iron out, which is restoring your wife's trust. If you make it over that hill, then the issue is her acceptance of this side of you. I can say many spouses are accepting.
I wish you the best luck. :)

Alice B
09-05-2010, 07:07 PM
It is time to sit down and have a serious talk and give her the assurances that she needs.

Tara1967
09-05-2010, 07:15 PM
Sit down and talk with her??????? That always works for me.

LitaKelley
09-05-2010, 07:18 PM
Does your wife know that you have an interest in crossdressing before she caught you red handed watching this video?

Yes, she does. She sees me CD often.



straight guys (like myself) , it's like this: you love women. You love women's clothes and the way they look on women, you love it so much you want to emulate women...enough so to take an interest in dressing up like one. You adore the feminine mystique. You just like the look.

That's fairly accurate, but also, I LOVE how I look and feel when CD.. actually, I'd rather be CD and look like a woman than be the man I was before CD'ing.

RebeccaLynne
09-05-2010, 07:33 PM
I just think she's a beautiful girl and it don't matter to me that she's TS.. what's wrong with thinking someone is beautiful and why does it end up becoming a gay thing.. As far as I'm concerned, all I see is a gorgeous girl, so why does my wife accuse me of being gay....

Lita, I think your wife feels her relationship with her husband is threatened...yet I don't understand why.

Makeup is used by women to enhance their appearance while minimizing their percieved flaws. Women appreciate the results achieved by other women in that pursuit of beauty, and like to evaluate the results through visual observation. Women marketing beauty products to other women. And I have never thought of the purveyors, or purchasers, as gay. Just women.

And they're just being women. And we CD'ers are seeking to emulate them in their quest for beauty. I really feel they should be flattered, and embrace us for making the effort. That'd be enough for me...

Frédérique
09-05-2010, 07:56 PM
"first you want to be a woman, and now you're gay.. WTF"

I think she’s jealous of you, your inspirational TS YouTube “friend,” and all feminine females (and effeminate males) in general – this is a recurring theme here at CD central. How dare you step across the line into her feminine space and confuse (blur) the issue? Yeah, it’s going to be very hard to explain yourself from now on, especially when your SO is convinced you can suddenly “turn” gay. WTF, indeed! :eek: Where do these sadly uninformed and completely unsubstantiated ideas come from? I hope you’re not thinking of PROVING your heterosexuality, for the benefit of your wife, since that will further confuse the issue and make your crossdressing that much more difficult and much more clandestine. The closet is a very lonely place, especially when prejudice is in the air…:sad:

AKAMichelle
09-05-2010, 08:10 PM
I have to agree that she is very pretty. I get told by soon to be X-wife that she thinks that I am gay all the time.

eluuzion
09-05-2010, 08:34 PM
.


As far as I'm concerned, all I see is a gorgeous girl, so why does my wife accuse me of being gay....


All you see is a gorgeous girl...All she sees two guys = gay...

Reality is all about personal perceptions of the people experiencing it. It is like snowflakes...no two are alike.

docrobbysherry
09-05-2010, 08:47 PM
Or, for argument's sake, let's just say you're BI!/:straightface:

Would that be SO HORRIBLE!?:brolleyes:

Maybe her comment has MORE to do with your bedroom performance, or something else in your relationship, than a simple video?????:straightface:

Think about it!

Gerrijerry
09-05-2010, 09:02 PM
I can totally understand what your wife is saying. First you tell her you want to dress like a woman, Then it get't changed to you want to become a woman. Now she see's you looking at a man. does not matter that she is TS to her that is a male. So she says to herself he is gay.
So first of all. You do not tell your wife that a nother person is pretty because some wifes under stress ( thinking you want to be a woman) will get up set about that alone. You are not giving her the time to understand what is all about, time to learn what the difference is from CD TS gay lesbian etc. That takes a lot of time to really understand and accept that the man she married is not the man she has. Give her lots of information and lots of time. Also stopped telling her about what you want and tell her that she is pretty and support her. She needs that very much right now.

LitaKelley
09-05-2010, 09:07 PM
Or, for argument's sake, let's just say you're BI!/:straightface: Not a chance. Definitely not.


Would that be SO HORRIBLE!?:brolleyes: I don't think it's horrible for other people to be gay, no.


Maybe her comment has MORE to do with your bedroom performance, or something else in your relationship, than a simple video?????:straightface:

Think about it! I'm just gonna disagree with this too.


I can totally understand what your wife is saying. First you tell her you want to dress like a woman, Then it get't changed to you want to become a woman. Now she see's you looking at a man. does not matter that she is TS to her that is a male. So she says to herself he is gay.
So first of all. You do not tell your wife that a nother person is pretty because some wifes under stress ( thinking you want to be a woman) will get up set about that alone. You are not giving her the time to understand what is all about, time to learn what the difference is from CD TS gay lesbian etc. That takes a lot of time to really understand and accept that the man she married is not the man she has. Give her lots of information and lots of time. Also stopped telling her about what you want and tell her that she is pretty and support her. She needs that very much right now.

I tell her every day that she is beautiful, that I love her and most of the time support her, unless of course it's something I can not support, such as things with negative consequences, irresponsible, or bad things, etc, however, it does not always go well..

I can tell her that she's beautiful and she'll scoff and say "No I'm not"..... or sometimes when she's drunk she'll say "I'm so ugly" and I tell her "No you're not. you're beautiful"

She generally has alot of self doubt and low self esteem.

Kate Lynn
09-05-2010, 09:32 PM
My wife has never accused me of being gay,but she is upset because I have naturally long eye lashes and when I use mascara,they really show,and I can walk in high heels better than she ever could.

7sisters
09-05-2010, 09:45 PM
She's insecure. You need to talk with her. I'm a gg, so I probably think like her.

Nathalie... nice reassuring post.

Pythos
09-06-2010, 01:31 AM
Ah the cry of the insecure wife. You were damned if the person in the vid was female, or if they were male, it does not matter. It is someone you think is pretty and your insecure wife is feeding into the sterotype of the insecure female that is portrayed all over the media.

She needs to get a grip, and stop being so insecure, and get some self confidence, Pull you, (when you are dressed en fem) from your computer, push you up against a wall, and proceed to have mad passion with you.

That is what she needs to do.

LOL..

Tara1967
09-06-2010, 01:52 AM
you are so correct Pythos, the op didn't have a chance. If the person in the vid was a girl or a man , the wife ( wife??, what is that? the one that the op loves, or the one that the op makes physical love to,,,,, or admires a lot????) ,,, was going to do her thing and object as she did and rasie all kinds of h***. Or would it have been the same thing if it had been a gorilla in the video?????

Does anyone have anything to say about the other part of my post when I was refering to another poster talking about the tremendous differences between CD's and RCD's?? (regular C****D******'s)????

Asako
09-06-2010, 02:22 AM
Lita, I think you are in the classic "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation. From the way you describe your wife, it sounds like she is a naturally negative person. It seems to me that she's afraid of losing the man she loves. I would imagine when she was informed about your CDing, her first thought really was along the lines of "My husband wants to be a woman?!". Now, she has the perceived issue that you are "gay" and are "not attracted to her".

From watching my parents in their marriage, I've come to the conclusion that love, trust, and ESPECIALLY open communication are three of the biggest key factors to a successful marriage. I would suggest sitting down with her and having a very long "listening" role about what's bothering her about these things. If she will tell you WHY she feels and thinks these things, then that just may give you enough ground to work with on dispelling these illusions and insecurities about you that she is carrying.

However, tread quietly and think things over very hard before making any decisions or taking any actions. It's rather easy for us to give advice but you and your wife have to live with the consequences of you following any of said advice. I wish the two you the best of luck.

Chickhe
09-06-2010, 02:56 AM
I think it is a problem with drinkers. They work on emotions and it is all about what they want otherwise they will lash out just to make the other person feel worse than they do. Just ask her right after having sex if she still thinks you are gay!

linda allen
09-06-2010, 06:56 AM
............... but my wife walks away and as she's storming off says "first you want to be a woman, and now you're gay..

I'm not sure how I would react if I were a woman and found out my husband dressed like a woman, wore wigs, makeup, etc. Actually, having said that, I know how I would react, I would say that if she could dress like a man, I would dress like a woman. Most men won't feel that way.

Consider this:

What if your wife cut her hair short, bought men's clothing, a glue on mustach or beard and started wearing them around the house?

It's got to be a shocker.

Some of us (not me) are a little lucky because or wives like to dress us up as "one of the girls". I don't think there's a man alive who would do that to his wife unless he was dressing as a woman at the same time.


Or, for argument's sake, let's just say you're BI!

Would that be SO HORRIBLE!?

Well, even if you were bisexual at one time, you no longer are because you married her. Having sex or an affair with anyone else, male or female, would be cheating.

You might still have the feelings just as a heterosexual man would still be attracted to other women, but you can't act on it.

Kayleigh-Marie
09-06-2010, 07:05 AM
My wife has never accused me of being gay,but she is upset because I have naturally long eye lashes and when I use mascara,they really show,and I can walk in high heels better than she ever could.

Are we twins lol I have Natural long eyelashes too...and can walk better in heels then my girlfriend.

As with the being excused of being Gay.... I like watching ******* Naughties...usually TG + Girl videos. My GF knows this and doesn't have a problem.

Or put another way, a lot of males will watch Male & Female naughties.... does that make you gay too o.O

Tell her, a staggering 94% of crossdressers are in fact straight.. source (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_some_people_think_crossdressers_are_homosex uals)

PretzelGirl
09-06-2010, 09:18 AM
Lita, there are a few things to look at here.

I am not sure how long your wife has known, but one thing that generally is needed once a spouse knows is a slow and steady exposure at their pace so that they don't become overwhelmed with new revelations. Has your wife already had this time? If not, she still may be working through your dressing and any additions could easily become overblown.

Is there anything else going on in her life that could cause outbursts? Sometimes when something is wrong in one area, it comes out in explosive behaviour in another area.

How much of this goes back to the problem of your wife's drinking brought up in another thread? You were given a number of suggestions to help you and your last post said the two of you talked it over and things were fine. Then DonnaT possibly made the prediction "That's great, but y'all still have to deal with the alcohol problem. It's not going away and can't be swept under the rug. " Is the drinking contributing to this problem? If it is, it is a tough thing to accept and to deal with. That is why taking care of you is the first step in dealing with alcoholism (if that in fact exists here).

And it really sounds like you need one of these. :bh:

Tina B.
09-06-2010, 09:59 AM
Lita, it sounds like your wife is still having trouble with he fact that your a cross dresser, and anything you do to add to that fact is just going to rub her the wrong way. Having just learned about all of this, she gets to play victim, at least for a while. You don't. If you can do it honestly, it's time to reassure her, that while maybe you are not all she thought you where, You are still the same guy, just with a softer side. But anything you do at this point that gives her doubts, will become a large mountain of insecurity, that both of you will have a hard time climbing over. Even Cross dressers can't really explain why we are driven to do this, so how do you explain it to others, All we can really hope for is for the non TG folks, just to figure it's no big deal, and accept us for who we are, but no all of them can. Give her time to adjust, and keep up the hope that she will learn to accept, many do. But always be ready for the chance she will never get over it, or accept it. That the chance we have to take when coming out to anyone. But either way, you just can't rush her.
Tina B.

docrobbysherry
09-06-2010, 10:08 AM
Does anyone have anything to say about the other part of my post when I was refering to another poster talking about the tremendous differences between CD's and RCD's?? (regular C****D******'s)????

I don't KNOW the difference between a CD and a RCD!:brolleyes:

Can u, or anyone, enlighten me?:)

LitaKelley
09-06-2010, 10:30 AM
So she was fine with you watching pretty women on you tube?

Considering my work, yes, she's fine with me watching videos of pretty women, or looking at photos, etc.

joannemarie barker
09-06-2010, 10:48 AM
Wow I for one definitely fancy the girl in the video :)

Kathryn Martin
09-06-2010, 11:24 AM
LitaKelly, can you tell me why you posted the video here?

GirlieAmanda
09-06-2010, 11:40 AM
I get accused of being gay a lot by my wife. She is not mean about it but she says that she just thinks I am. I know I am attracted to CD's and TS's a ton. That girl in the video is really cute. I am very attracted to her. I am also attracted to pretty women a lot too. I can see this scene playing out similarly if my wife found me looking at her on the video but I hope we have worked through enough that it would be a constructive discussion. It would definitely be an issue. Maybe it will be a catalyst for a good discussion. I find that these situations tend to do that. Good luck!

LilSissyStevie
09-06-2010, 12:19 PM
My ex used to "accuse" me of being gay all the time, but her word for it was "faggot." She never even knew I had ever crossdressed and I never did during that marriage. I even had a psychiatrist once tell me I was a "latent homosexual." But, being gay isn't a bad thing so I shouldn't be offended. It's like someone "accusing" me of being French. I'm not offended. They're just wrong.

Kayleigh-Marie
09-06-2010, 01:05 PM
LitaKelly, can you tell me why you posted the video here?

To show us?

Tara1967
09-06-2010, 03:29 PM
I don't KNOW the difference between a CD and a RCD!:brolleyes:

Can u, or anyone, enlighten me?:)


I sure will, docrobbysherri. I was reading a thread several weeks ago and the poster was talking about his difficulties of being a cd opposed to being a RCD. Well I was confused. But luckily another poster asked,
what is a RCD? Then the original op came back and explained that it meant :Regular Cross Dresser. Which I put the definition in my post just above this one. I didn't come up with it, someone else did. Thanks all. Tara

kimdl93
09-06-2010, 04:47 PM
Lita, I think, as many others have commented, that your wife is having a moment of uncertainty or insecurity about your dressing. All you can do is be there to talk...and direct her to resources, here or elsewhere, that can help her understand that being a crossdresser is not the same as being gay. (Mind you - I don't think there is anything wrong with being bi, gay or straight)

Fab Karen
09-06-2010, 04:48 PM
Sounds like if the video had been of a GG, your wife still would've said,"you like that?" which would be followed by something along the lines of "I'm ugly"- sounds like some couples counseling would be good, both for the CDing issue & her issues of self-esteem.

Christy_M
09-06-2010, 04:59 PM
I have a variety of porn on my computer. For the most part, my wife has been ok with it. When she found the TS/GG porn she asked if I was gay. She couldn't get past the penis on the TS. I tell her that isn't the part of the porn that moves me but she just wouldn't let it go. It was worse after I came out to her the first time 5 years ago. When I told her I would stop CDing back then, she kept asking me if I watched my "gay" porn today.

After a while, I told her I got rid of all of that and didn't watch it anymore. When I came out to her again a couple weeks ago, I told her I had been dressing again since I got rid of the porn. It actually was around the same time we had the conversation...I just never deleted the stuff.

She knows I am not gay and I think in time she will accept more and more of me as a CD. Not that she will ever want to participate but she did talk to me about sitting down in the near future to set boundries for it. I am sure that porn will be one of the things I will have to promise not to watch. A small sacrifice to maintain my marriage.

ReineD
09-07-2010, 03:46 PM
All you see is a gorgeous girl...All she sees two guys = gay...

Precisely! :) As soon as your wife heard the voice, she saw the person in the video as a guy with lots of eye makeup on. She doesn't see a girl. I also see this person (after hearing her speak and seeing her move) as a very attractive young GM with a blonde wig and impeccable, albeit somewhat caricature-like eye makeup on.

If you look at anyone's attractiveness, whether a guy or a girl, it is the symmetry in their faces, good proportion and bone structure, attractive eyes, straight noses, and winning smiles that make them beautiful. The most attractive TGs dressed are the ones who are gorgeous guys to begin with. :)

Your wife thinks that you are attracted to a guy.


so I said "yeah, I think she's gorgeous"

The people in this forum will understand what you mean by this, but it might be better for you to tell your wife in the future that you admire the way this person has transformed him/herself.

I think your wife took your comment as an indication that you had a physical attraction to the person in the video. Depending on the degree of your enthusiasm when you said she was gorgeous, your wife may have mistaken that as developing a small crush on this person. So now she thinks (or more accurately, she fears) you might be gay since she knows that you both know that he's a guy.

As to your wife's insecurities, I also have issues when my SO admires or posts about young, hot babes and I don't think I'm an insecure person. From a GG's perspective I can tell you that I am physically attracted to my SO and no other. So when I see young, beautiful people (TGs, men, & women), I appreciate their looks from an aesthetic point of view, but I don't develop an attraction.


I think she’s jealous of you, your inspirational TS YouTube “friend,” and all feminine females (and effeminate males) in general – this is a recurring theme here at CD central. How dare you step across the line into her feminine space and confuse (blur) the issue?

Frédérique, the idea that SOs feel jealous because TGs invade their feminine space is a recurring theme in this forum. I'd like to point out it is the TGs who say this, not the GGs themselves. lol.

I rather think TGs who say this are jealous of the GGs inherent femininity.

When you do hear off the cuff comments from GGs who say they are jealous, they are referring to being envious of some physical attributes their partners possess that the GGs don't, such as skinny legs, perhaps height & weight, or good skin, or maybe even their clothes. But these GGs admire and are envious of the same things in other GGs too. They do not think they are lesser women just because their partners CD. :)

gennee
09-07-2010, 03:59 PM
Lita, she is beautiful! Love her make up also.

Invariably, crossdressers are thought to be gay because our august medical professionals
lumped crossdressers, ts, tg, drag queens, drag kings, and those who have fetishes with
being gay. This is not true. The majority of crossdressers are heterosexual and married. My
wife thought I was gay when I came out to her. I was able to share with her about what is.
She understands now.

I'm tg/ts now. My wife helps me with my shopping sometimes and she says that I dress better
than she does and that I have prettier clothing.

Gennee

Tiffany Lynn
09-07-2010, 04:42 PM
That why I'll never tell my wife I'm a CD everything I do will be gay

Byanca
09-07-2010, 06:13 PM
Precisely! :) As soon as your wife heard the voice, she saw the person in the video as a guy with lots of eye makeup on. She doesn't see a girl. I also see this person (after hearing her speak and seeing her move) as a very attractive young GM with a blonde wig and impeccable, albeit somewhat caricature-like eye makeup on.

but...when you see GG with male traits. Like mustashe, deep voice, broad shoulders etc. Do you label them as GMs. Does a male trait trumph all female ones? Is this the pattern? this way of looking at things, it's like one have GM way up there, and just one trace of something dominates all?

Say if this girl goes to the doctor, and it appears she has a uturus hidden. Would that change something, or would not that matter, because of the voice? It's just too male?

Celeste
09-07-2010, 07:59 PM
I find it odd that she knows you dress but then finds it such a giant leap to understand you may be interested in how other cd's approach their look.You weren't hiding it from her,your not trying to hook up online behind her back,only curious to learn.Try to discuss it with her so she knows your intentions.If she continues to lash out at you,I wouldn't put up with it.

Christy_M
09-07-2010, 08:37 PM
That why I'll never tell my wife I'm a CD everything I do will be gay

This may be something you put on yourself. It is your choice either way but if you think she will react that way, maybe you can try and educate her on this. If you make the same comments that perpetuate the "gay" stereotypes, she will never change her opinion. It starts with accepting that gay isn't bad...I am a very straight MTF cd/tg. I acknowledge that while not my perticular taste, GM should be allowed to live their life as they choose just as we should be able to have that same freedom in our lifestyle.

ReineD
09-07-2010, 11:54 PM
but...when you see GG with male traits. Like mustashe, deep voice, broad shoulders etc. Do you label them as GMs. Does a male trait trumph all female ones? Is this the pattern? this way of looking at things, it's like one have GM way up there, and just one trace of something dominates all?

I'll try to answer your question. :)

When I see a more masculine looking GG (thinner lips perhaps, maybe a broader forehead, combined with a squarish figure and maybe sporting a short hair cut, wearing baggy jeans and a loose, woodsy flannel shirt, I still see her as a genetic female. I have several friends like this. They are women who are not into girly things like makeup and frilly blouses ... it is not who they are, but they are women in every other sense. They are mothers, one is a teacher, who do not have the time nor the inclination to appear any differently than how they look when they get up in the morning.

When I compare maleness in GMs, for example a young, lythe, gorgeous lad with beautiful skin, thick curly hair, long dark eyelashes, perfect aquiline nose, high cheekbones, a smile that melts hearts whenever he smiles at people (I'm actually describing my son lol), compared to a more mature, rugged, he-man type male, with broad shoulders, square jaw, and a 5 o'clock shadow, they are both men to me, just different types of men. But put a wig on the young lad in my first example, he could also be mistaken for a beautiful woman (youthful looks helps with this, lol). Do you see what I'm saying? Most people outside the TG world don't see any continuum betwen the genders. They see either males or females, although they acknowledge there are many different types of looks within each gender.


I find it odd that she knows you dress but then finds it such a giant leap to understand you may be interested in how other cd's approach their look.

But that's just it! The OP didn't say, "I'd love to know how this CD accomplished her looks". He just said how gorgeous the person in the video was, several times I think, at least in this thread. I can see how the wife might have mistaken that for an attraction of some sort.