Considering Counseling

[juliecdfl]

I will jump right to the point. I am married with a wife and a young child. My wife knows, has no problem with me wearing panties and stuff in private, is not open to me completely dressing in private, and does not want to discuss anything with crossdressing. Previous advice on here said to tread lightly and be patient with her, especially with having a young child. I have been taking that advice but I honestly feel like I am going crazy. I have not dressed in who knows how long. I feel guilt for wanting to buy a wig and makeup, which I am unable to anyway because she does not approve, and she is not allowing me anytime to dress. I have asked her for 30min to 1 hr of private time once every few weeks so I can partially express myself in private and she says no. Yet, if I am "in the mood" and she is not she has no problem with me going downstairs to watch porn, etc.

So...I am considering counseling because I am starting to feel stressed, depressed, confused, guilt, etc. My question is for those who have tried counseling, what was the reason and how did it go? I do not want to waste my money and time if it probably will not help. I am just looking for a way to cope with these feelings and not have the marriage go down the drain because of my emotions. Especially since I know she is hormonal and stressed with having our first child not too long ago. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Jinny M]

I'm in the some what of the same boat as you.. my wife accepts and supports Jinny ,, 100% fully. but because our living stiuation , I can't openly dress at home. So troubled by my feelings and thoughts I decided to seek counseling .

1stly , see if your insurance covers it. mine did , I had to call them for pre approval , then I asked to see a counselor that someone from here recommended me. They said they no longer have her in thier network. They asked me reasons for seeking help , I was honest and told them , stress , anxiety, depression and that I WAS STRUGGLING WITH TRANSGENDER ISSUES. Then they recommended the women I'm seeing now. They approved me with unlimited visits and only a co-pay .. So definatly check with your insurance.

I just started counseling myself , I have been to 3 appointments. 1st one I was just dressed in female jeans , with womens sneakers, small hoop earings and underdressed with a male t shirt. That was to test the waters as the 1st visit is intake . Second visit , I was sick , she still wanted me to show up , I felt lousy and just went as my male self. 2nd visit was also intake.

3rd visit I was feeling alot better, I went underdressed complete with a bra with the cups filled and a womens work out outfit that was danskin tight pants , hoody , an old navy womens perfect fit -T with the womens sneakers. I had womens jeans on and changed into the work out pants in a parking lot before I got to her office , I also did put on makeup ,, rushed and shaking in the parking lot I might ad, put on huge hoop earings and a womens hat. Got there walked in with a pocketbook .. she was pleasntly surprised and gave me a really warm welcome. Welcomed me as Jinny

I explained how I had to get dressed and put makeup on in a parking lot as she knows I can't leave the house dressed,,, she told me to never do that again ,do too possibly getting arrested if caught. she told me I could come early to my appointment and use her back door and get ready in the bathroom in the back.. then go out the back door and walk around to the front and wait in the waiting room for my appointment.. when it's time for me to leave , I just go into the back room , get cleaned up , put everything away and go out the back door.. So at the end of the 3rd appointment , I just went into the back , took my girl off and headed home .

So now every week , I get to dress at her office and discuss things and be Jinny for how ever long it takes me to get ready , see her for the hour and get cleaned up. Next week will be my 1st week being able to get ready there. she told me to bring a wig if I have it and a dress or skirt outfit and heels if I have them to dress for the appointment.. she said I no longer have to worry about what I'm wearing out of the house , thats why I would only wear womens jeans , Tshirts, a baggy hoody to hide my filled bra and womens sneakers out of the house.

She is really great , I'm so happy I'm seeing her, I feel so much better and it's only been 3 visits.. I told her about doing this and having feelings like this since I was young and the guilt I had over it. She assured me that the feelings I feel about Jinny are perfectly OK , it's who I am , She's always been here and not going away. she said we need to work on me fully accepting Jinny and start loving, embracing , experienceing more of her outside of the confinds of the closet and the home. She even asked what size I am ,, I'm a 16-18 depending style and designer.. She said so is she , She told me she has tons of dresses and outfits that she no longer uses , that she would go through her things and bring me what she no longer needed to help me out financially with the wardrobe. She has been saying , I need to go out and experience JINNY in public , like at clubs , shopping and eating, everyday things and see how I feel after that. Since my wife approves and supports , we 'll be going out dancing, to the appropiate accepting clubs in the area at night 1st.. gonna have to be creative to get out the house for that .. My theraphyst reommened get a cheap motel room near the club some where to get ready and cleaned up for the night. She said she may start a transgender support group also. She said my wife is welcome to join any and all sesions that we have .

I have to do some research and find out the clubs and motels in the area. She said she'll help coach me on my manerisms, walking and presenting as a female. She said I need to blend in and not stick out as to draw attention to myself.


Sorry this is so long.. But I was really scared to seek out and see one at first and I just wanted to share my experience with you and how wonderfull it is and looks to be , if I continue seeing her ,, which I will.

So I would say that YES , seeing the right theraphyst you would greatly benefit and enjoy it.

Jinny

[Aeify]

Julie,
I am thinking that counseling is a very good idea, and would encourage you to have her go to either counseling on her own or couples therapy for you both.
Good luck and hugs!

[Tina B.]

Sounds like it would be good for stress, but I think from the sounds of it, you are going to have to get your wife to go with you, if she is ever going to understand, you need an outlet. most all that have been to therapy will tell you, therapist don't help you hide it, or get over it, just how to deal with it. And when some wifes learn this fact they get turned off by it, if they think you are going for a cure. Do a search at the top of the page, therapy has been talked about a lot on here.
Tina B.

[sandra-leigh]

My personal opinion is that if you can afford it, you are likely to benefit from counseling.

I go to two different therapists, one for general life issues. my cross-dressing and gender issues come up in most sessions with that therapist because they are matters that are important to me, but they aren't the purpose of the sessions. The therapist doesn't always tell me that I'm right or being reasonable: she also leads me to explore my wife's viewpoint and to see what I could do to help my wife.

The other therapist I go to is a gender therapist, where the purpose is to explore my gender and to figure out what I want to do about it and how to achieve my goals and how to cope with the results. Interestingly, a number of those sessions turn out not to be directly about gender either: if you are stressed about something then you talk about it then.


most all that have been to therapy will tell you, therapist don't help you hide it, or get over it, just how to deal with it.

Quite.

Although if the dressing is really about something else, then by approaching that other thing, you may find less need to dress. For example, if your dressing happened to arise out of "abandonment issues", then after dealing with those issues then you might or might not have the desire to continue dressing.

I should say, though, that neither of my therapists have spent much time at all exploring the "cause" of my cross-dressing and gender feelings. It was, I think, entirely obvious that by now cross-dressing has become a fact
in my life; digging in to hypothetical reasons is of low productivity compared to self-acceptance and coping. I think I would go as far as to say that if you are someone who feels it important to find a "reason" for your cross-dressing, that you would probably be better off with a psychiatrist than a therapist.


but I think from the sounds of it, you are going to have to get your wife to go with you, if she is ever going to understand, you need an outlet.

That would be ideal, but unfortunately it doesn't always work out. "You can lead a horse to water..."

One of the books I read said approximately that in most cases where someone thinks their partner "really needs to go to therapy", the person who thinks that needs to go to therapy. You cannot "change" or "control" someone without their consent, but you can give a good go at learning how to cope with them.

[Kerrylee61]

Don't just "consider" counsiling just go do it. It was the absolule best thing I ever did for myself and I did that with and accepting wife who was and is supportive. The demons of a lifetime need to be purged and dealt with so you can find out who you really are and what makes you tick. Again ... go and get some counseling because sooner or later all that stuff we all have tucked away in the recesses of our brains will come out in some way. Nervious breakdowns, heart attacks, substance abuse, you name it. It WILL come out sooner or later.

Been there and done that and it isn't fun.

Kerry

[Ashleythenewgirl]

I highly recommend counseling. I have a counselor here I have gone to in the past for stress issues and once I came out as Ashley I felt it would be good to contact her and begin sessions again. I have attended two since coming out but it is helping already. Partly why I am going is to help understand what my wife is going through (same boat as you Julie) and how to maintain being a parent as well. She is not a gender therapist, but she is excellent at what she does and has begun researching already. This would be invaluable for you with the right therapist.
Good luck!
Ashley

[WandaRae2009]

My wife & I went to counseling once. I can't help but say it is one of the best things we did. We went about two months after I told her after 25 years of hiding. It was a rough couple of months, and I was not sure we were going to make it.

It helped both of us understand I was not sick and she confirmed the fact this is not something that is likely to go away. We has some frank discussions and for the most part I feel our relationship will survive. She is by no was accepting, but now she tolerates. I only hope that as time goes on, she gets more accepting and we can explore this side of me together.

At first I think my wife went with the feeling that the therapist was going to tell her that this generally does end in transition. She helped to confirm that there are some of us that enjoy the presentation as a female, but have no intentions to make things permanent, that most are not gay, and maintain their existing sexual preference.

Shop carefully, make sure that you go to someone that specializes in Gender issues. Look to local support groups for recommendations. The therapist we went to has several patience in transition, and has counseled a number of CDs.

[juliecdfl]

So based on the advice already I have decided to pursue counseling. I talked to my wife about it and it was a frustrating conversation. I told her I thought counseling would be best, especially as a couple, so we could figure everything out. The answer I received was "well why don't you just try to stop". Anyway, after some uncomfortable conversation she agreed to go with me. I am not sure if she was just saying this tonight and it will be different tomorrow but I am hoping she keeps her word.

Well, I did a search and I feel like it is hard to find a psychologist in my area that specializes in gender issues. I did find one woman but I wish there was a site with reviews on them. Any advice besides looking on google?

[Elle1946]

I had counseling and it did help. But, also my wife had to go to counseling and we did not go to the same counsellor. It requires both to do it, it will not be a path that you can walk alone if your are marrided and she knows about the other U. We don't have any little ones so I can't say about that. It took sever trys to find the right counsellor. Not very many are open to our life style. Good LUCK!

[AllieSF]

Julie great work with your wife. I have done counseling for relationship issues and it worked. It didn't save the relationships, but did open my eyes and maybe my partners' to the issues. To find a local therapist, and they do not necessarily need to be a psychiatrist, I would try some local LGBT support group, your county health services, U R Not Alone (urnotalone.com) (do a search for people in your area and you will also get local support groups names and contact info). Good luck and you are definitely now going in the correct direction.

[DanaR]

Go see a counselor by yourself and maybe after a while you can talk your wife into seeing one. My wife and I did that. It was the best things that she ever did. She was able to come to grips with some issues that she had in her life. As far as I know, crossdressing wasn't an issue that she had problems with.

One of the things that people forget, is that everyone has feelings. Their feelings are neither right or wrong, they are just how they feel; which is what we all have to respect.

[Jinny M]

Hi Julie ,,

Here are a couple of links that may help you find a theraphyst in your area; http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm and http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Therapists_in_the_United_States .

As others have said you can also try to find a LGBT support group in your area, they can also help point you in the right direction .

I also suggest checking with your insurance provider , for coverage of the visits and if you're able to use your insurance , they will be able to give you a list in your area .

I wish you the best , hope everything goes ok .. You can pm me any time if you need to. Hang in there !

Jinny

[Amanda22]

Julie, if you wondering about counseling even a little, I recommend you make an appointment and follow through. Seeing a therapist is one of the best things I've ever done. I did not go for crossdressing. I went for self-esteem, stress, depression, and self-harm tendencies. My therapist quickly found the root of my problems: self-acceptance of who I am... a crossdresser. When I learned to value this aspect of myself and embrace it as a large part of making me the good person I am, the other issues vanished. It's been wonderful. So make that phone call and get an appointment on your calendar.

[juliecdfl]

I wish you the best , hope everything goes ok .. You can pm me any time if you need to. Hang in there !

Jinny

Thank you Jinny

Thank you to everyone else for all of the replies. The search is on for a therapist. I plan on trying to set an appointment up for sometime next week so I will let everyone know how it goes.

[giuseppina]

Sometimes the hardest thing is to get someone to admit that a problem exists and is at least partly their responsibility. Until that happens, fixing the problem is impossible.

[juliecdfl]

So I thought I would post an update. I went to a few counseling sessions and I think it showed my wife how serious I am about dressing. I have put sessions on hold as she has been more accepting in the past few weeks. I now get one evening a week at home while she is at her mothers and am able to dress. She has even donated some items of clothing to my cause. It looks like counseling helped just not directly from the counselor.

[Chickhe]

There is nothing a therapist does that you can not do yourself....except get you started to work out your problems... they can give you some tools to use. For this whole CDing thing, I reached a level of satisfaction on my own, I don't think it works so well to accept rules from your wife, apart from the usual marriage ones, like being faithful. Basically, after I worked through all the feelings of guilt and shame and self acceptance, the answer is it is 'just clothing'..., but it took a lot of un-tethered experimenting to get there. I think as I began opening up and pulling in other people to be involved, the reality set in and the fantasy part was more obvious to me. The compulsion part goes away when you no longer feel guilt so you need someone to tell you there is nothing wrong with CDing...and there is not. The real issue with involving your wife, is it was introduced to her as a 'problem', given your guilt...too bad you could not get to a positive state first and introduce your fun hobbie to her... assuming you have worked out that you are not TS/full time then the impact to your wife should be equivalent to you spending some time on a hobbie sometimes and would you let your wife dictate how you do your hobbie?

[ReineD]

I'm glad it is going better. If she is interested you could suggest that your wife join this site. We have a section to support the wives. She would need to register, post 10 times in any of the non-intro sections, then click on the "Announcement" link just under the Private F.A.B Forum (Female at Birth - Invitation Only) section on the forum index page, and follow the instructions there. Or she could find one of my posts and click on the link below my signature.

:hugs:

[docrobbysherry]

Julie, I'm happy so hear of your progress. Unfortunately, the more u rid yourself of guilt, the more LIKELY u r to move down the CD garden path. Which mite lead u to MORE issues/problems with your wife.

I have no innovative suggestions on how u should do it, but u may need to get your wife on board with your CD activities. Reine's suggestion, or getting her to go to counseling with u, mite help!?

[sometimes_miss]

I've gone to several therapists, and know of no one who's ever been cured of crossdressing. In fact, in most cases of mental health issues where a chemical imbalance isn't present, all they can do is help you deal with your problem better, not eliminate it. If you have health insurance, there is probably a mental health provision in it, so you may not have to pay 100% of the costs, but the cap is much less than for physical ailments, so you may reach the limit faster.
On a lighter note, perhaps you should start drinking heavily or smoking a lot of pot. When pressed, you can always reply, "Well, you won't let me do the 'other thing', so I need something to take the edge off". Might work, might not. Lots of women would rather have an alcoholic or druggy husband than a crossdresser, but you never know until you try. You can always quit if it doesn't work.
As far as the concept that there's nothing a therapist can do that you can't do yourself, well, at least if you have a mental health professional agreeing with you that you're not crazy and not doing anyone any harm, maybe your wife will be more likely to play along, so to speak.

[audreyinalbany]

I've always been of the opinion that counseling is helpful, no matter what the problem. Having input from a third party gives perspective and insight that we don't always have. However, that having been said, my wife and I saw a counselor a couple years ago who specialized in gender disorders and, although I found it very reinforcing, my wife quickly got bored talking about my crossdressing and was more interested in discussing family finances and other talking points. That's fine, but wasn't really the point as far as I was concerned. Plus, the provider didn't accept insurance assignment, so we had to pay cash every visit and try to get reimbursed from out insurance company. At ninety bucks a visit, it doesn't take long to run up a pretty sizable bill, and while we did get reimbursed for SOME of the expense, cash flow is always a problem.
And, the bottom line is: it really didn't change anything. It probably made me a little more accepting of myself, but it certainly didn't do anything to help my wife accept. I'm still afraid to bring up crossdressing because it immediately erects a barrier between us, a kind of fridged "no man's land," so we're still in this "don't ask, don't tell" mode. I know that relationships are largely about compromise, but our compromise has been, "let's not change anything and pretend that we did."
I guess I would recommend counseling if you are willing to stick with it for the long haul and if you are both involved and willing to change.

[AKAMichelle]

Sounds like counseling could do you some good. I hope that you find a way to deal with the issues involved better than you have been. Frustration and resentment will kill a marriage

[NicoleScott]

Long ago, my wife (now my ex) and I went to counseling at her insistance (I caved, bad omen) to deal with my crossdressing. The problem was that we went for different purposes. I wanted counseling to help her understand and accept my crossdressing. She went to get me cured. As I said, she's my ex.
I think that if you go to counseling, you should state to yourself and to your counselor your objectives for attending the counseling. Especially if you both go.

[TiffanyTgirl]

You can't bottle it up inside. It will cause you tomake some bad choices and those could hace huge consequences.

[Christy_M]

I have gone to two therapists...first five years ago when my wife first found out and she told me I needed to go to get fixed. I found the wrong one and we talked for 5 or 6 visits about mommy stuff and not cding. My current therapist I found a few months ago when I needed advice on how to deal with Christy.

I spent the first session interviewing her about gender issues until I was comfortable with her techniques and experience in the matter. It has been great. I recommend you find someone qualified to help you and be open and honest and you will have a great experience. Don't under estimate the value of the therapist qualifications in this area. It makes all the difference.

[Aprilrain]

I know how you feel I to felt as though I was going crazy. I was not able to let my wife's opinion of Xdressing stop me from doing it. I just found better ways to hide it and less than ideal places to do it. As for going to counseling, simply put, Yes do it. I found that just telling someone other than my wife was extremely liberating. Be careful who you get though as not everyone in the therapy world is versed in TG issues. I would strongly recommend that you find a local CD/TG/TS support group and seek their advice on who is good in your area.