Spending time with family

[Bree-asaurus]

So I'm fairly young (26), live alone and my only family is my sister and my dad here in town. My mom is in another state. I don't have a husband/wife or kids to worry about. My mom and my sister have been told that I am gay, but my dad still knows nothing. None of them know about me being trans. I'm finding it harder and harder to spend time with them. I hate having to pretend to be who they think I am and I just get depressed and quiet when I'm with them. My life revolves around this issue that I can't talk to them about.

My dad is a "convenient" conservative christian (he follows the bible when it's convenient for him). I don't know what his reaction to me would be, but it wouldn't be easy.

My mom is super stressed and depressed and I fear what would happen to her if she found out. She doesn't need to deal with this too.

My sister I think would be okay with it (after the shock wears off), but she has a habit of telling secrets.

I'm not really asking for advice on what to do, because I have a feeling I need to figure that out for myself. I just wanted to see if anyone who is in a similar situation would like to share how they dealt with (or are dealing with) it themselves.

I've just been avoiding them as much as I can (usually a couple weeks) until I feel bad and call or have dinner. But I feel terrible because they must think I'm just being selfish and rude.

[Faith_G]

I think you are still too unsure of yourself and vulnerable to tell them. When you arre telling potentially hostile family you need to be secure and confident in your own identity. And you need to be ready to accept being rejected. Until you are there you should wait.

Don't make the mistake I did and come out while you are still nervous and unsure. I came out as a CD when I was still very unsure and vulnerable and the rejection was devastating.

I agree that it's very painful to have to spend time with your family as your birth sex. A whole week spent with family was one of the things that pushed me towards actually transitioning. I had to try to be a guy 24 hours a day for a whole week and it was really tough!

[Bree-asaurus]

I've considered telling them, but I agree, I don't think that's a good choice at this time. I was just wondering what other people do to make things easier while keeping the secret from the family.

[noeleena]

Hi,

im old enough to be your mum or dad & then some when you are unsure of your self you do things that you later regret it may be hard now for you , as in you are still sorting your life out,
if you wont more hassels tell your family . i would not . till you are strong enough to handle your self ,
Jos & i went through hell . our 3 kids 31, 34 ,35, had & still find it hard . our 8 grandkids no probs at all. the difference is of cause our ages im strong mentaly yet had my days of ........... going down . there is no easy way in how to tell others you know & knowing thier back ground tells you how they have been taught or told things .
Of cause there will come a time of you are going to take the full blast,

Be very prepared because youll need it have you any friends thatll stand with you . id be looking at a real friend a woman who will accept you as a person i did & we have had & still do have a trust that says can i talk with you,

If & when you do tell family write it down what you need to say . have your facts right . know what your talking about . have you a trusted G P a woman would be best & go from there ,
all the best,

...noeleena...

[Frances]

It got too hard for me to even spend a minute with them. It hurt too much to pretend to be that guy. They would wonder why I was so sad all the time, so I disappeared from their lives for years. I eventually came out to them, and they welcomed me back, but I do not think that they are understanding it fully. They use the wrong pronoun and an aunt even used my old name last weekend. It was hard to see them before, and it may be too hard now as well. It is the same with most of my old friends. I did not loose most of the people in my life, but I cannot be around people who only see me as a mutilated male with a mental disorder.

[Melissa A.]

Hi Bree,

While knowing you may not be ready to add more emotional distress to your life is a valid consideration, as you are working on your strength and ability to deal with the possible consequences, just keep this well-worn quote in mind, as time goes by: "If not now, when?" I'm not saying that you ought to rush into anything you aren't ready for. The extreme end of that is a euphoria that can lead to a huge crash. But I would have just as much trouble with being viewed as that which I am not, (gay and suffering from deppression and withdrawel, in your case) as I would keeping my real self from them. Remember that in their innocent ignorance, your loved ones will never be any more ready to hear this than they are now. Don't make the mistake of also projecting your fears onto them, or using them as an excuse. Sometimes, taking this important step just takes a leap of faith. You did not indicate that you are financially dependent on your dad in any way, so if that isn't a complication, Use yourself, and where you are, as the only yardstick for making your move. Best of luck and strength to you.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Traci Elizabeth]

By all means DON'T do what I did! Both my parents were dysfunctional in their own way. They were terrible parents to all of us kids and lived inside the Washington Beltway and were high ranking professions well known internationally. All their actions in life were directed towards their careers and not their children. Their children had to always be "Little Lord Fauntleroy's," speak when spoken too, and never embarrass the "family."

Coming out or transitioning was NEVER an option for me & still have a relationship with my parents. So like Francis, I shut myself off from my parents for over a decade but still feared their ever knowing about me. (How so very sad to live like that). Unfortunately, it was not until their fairly recent deaths just under two years apart that I became FREE! I NEVER did tell them.

I read in one of my psy classes in college that most children actually feel I "relief" after the passing of their parents and for the first time feel totally free. That also stuck with me as being so cure and sad but to my surprise, I fell into those same feelings almost immediately after my grieving period (yes, even though you may have cut off relationships with your parents, you still grieve at their passing).

So Bree, try to look at the big picture of your life and your future. Sure your parents may explode on you and shut you off for a while if you tell them but I have to believe that in the end, "love of one's child" will win over emotions and heal all wounds. It just takes time. I wish I were back in your shoes today, I would have chose a much different direction than I did.

Know my heart goes out to you as this situation hits really home with me as well as most of us gals I am sure.

In retrospect, had I the COURAGE to be me many decades ago, I would have been pass the shock my parents would have experienced long ago and MAYBE had an opportunity to have loving parents active in my life in their later years. But such was not the case and that will be with me the rest of my life.

[Melody Moore]

I think you are still too unsure of yourself and vulnerable to tell them. When you arre telling potentially hostile family you need to be secure and confident in your own identity. And you need to be ready to accept being rejected. Until you are there you should wait.

Don't make the mistake I did and come out while you are still nervous and unsure. I came out as a CD when I was still very unsure and vulnerable and the rejection was devastating.

I agree that it's very painful to have to spend time with your family as your birth sex. A whole week spent with family was one of the things that pushed me towards actually transitioning. I had to try to be a guy 24 hours a day for a whole week and it was really tough!
Hi Bree, I couldnt agree more with what Faith has said here. I waited until I was 47 years old because I know before that I wasn't strong enough & I made sure that I was ready to deal with rejection before coming out. Now there is no stopping me. Confidence is the key to transitioning and I really believe after what you have said here that once you confront your father then most of your insecurities with rejection will quickly disappear.

[Andi]

Hi Bree, I feel your pain and indecision very much so. I never made the decision to tell those around me about me so I'm in no position to advise you.

Maybe that means I'm not really TG because I've never been able to make the jump but I sure felt TG most of my life and it eats me up inside. My wife knows about my girly side but never wanted any part of it so we don't even talk about it. I love her dearly and have carried this "burden" alone for 60 years. I'm not a martyr but I've never had the commitment to be myself at the expense of my wife and children. If I had to live my life over I don't think I would have married and I may have addressed my need in my teens or twenties but then I'd have missed out knowing one of the most wonderful persons in this world.

So here I am in my 60's with a load of regrets and needs on one hand but loving my family too much to put them through hell for my needs especially at this age. For me there no way out of this other than the final end. But for you, you have a chance to make it right for you - just be very sure this is what you want.