Am I gay, and don't even know it?

[Sometimes Steffi]

Am I gay, and don't even know it?

I'm not really into labels, but I consider myself a heterosexual CD.

But, my therapist suggested that I might be gay.

I don't really think so for the 2 best reasons:

1. I'm attracted to girls/women
2. I'm not attracted to men.

But that's not to say I haven't had boy-on-boy fantasies.

And some of you girls are really, really beautiful.

So, am I fooling mtself about being gay"

How can I tell? What are the tell-tale signs?

[AllieSF]

I would have to say that to be gay, you really want to be with someone of your own gender. Other wise you are straight, or maybe bi-curious until you have tried it a few times and decide you would rather be on the other team. Maybe your therapist is a little too conservative or maybe uninformed regarding CD's and transgender people.

[neworleanssusan]

sigh....

G/G's have that excuse, "Oh, I'm totally straight, but of course I experimented a little in college...."

Boi's can't get away with that, but damn, wouldn't it be nice to find out?

[NathalieX66]

G/G's have that excuse, "Oh, I'm totally straight, but of course I experimented a little in college...."

I dated three girls around college that did exactly just that...even flat out admitted it. That made me question who I really was. But I think it's more the "Lindsay Lohan" effect. It's also reminiscent in the movie Slapshot with Paul Newman, where he is in bed with a girlfriend of an opposing team and she expresses her lesbian interest. Anyway, enough of that before I accidentally run this topic off the rails.

Are you interested in guys? No?....if not, then your not gay.

[Danni Bear]

Steph,

A question to ask yourself. In those fantasies are you a female or are you male?If you fantasize that you are female then and your partner is a male, then you are probably not gay. If on the other hand if you fantasize about your partner being female while you are female then you could be either bi and or have gay tendencies. Having thoughts about sex with a man while dressed is a very common occurance.

Danni

[Sophie86]

Yeah, I anguished over this question a little when I was a teenager, and then I considered the fact that, while I had been falling in love with girls since kindergarten, I had never once fallen in love with a boy. That made me decide that I was heterosexual.

These days I think it might be a little more complex, but even still, whatever fantasies I may have--and I have lots of fantasies--I'm at least hetero-amorous. I'm just more comfortable, emotionally, with women, and more attracted to them romantically. :)

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Steffi. How can anyone be gay and not know it? You said you are not attracted to men, therefore you are not gay. If you were gay, you would be sexually attracted to men. You said you are attracted to women.
Now about those boy-on-boy fantasies, as you call it. I think that is perfectly normal. Everyone has fantasies. It's when you act on them that might be of concern. I am not gay or even bi-sexual since I am not attracted to men at all. However, sometimes I have fantasies when dressed and in that pink fog some of us get into. I also admit to have experienced sex with other crossdressers in the past. My attraction was to what they presented in fem mode. No way would sex have happened with a drab male. So I still don't even consider myself even bi-sexual since other then when I was dressed fem, and so was the other CD, the attraction to a male was never there for me. But I'm sure as far as labels go, some would say I am at least bi. MY sweetie knows about those experiences since we keep nothing from each other. She and I have disagreed on this very label. (bi-sexual). She insists I'm bi. I insist I'm not. BTW, she would be fine with it if I was. Not an issue.
I still might have a fantasy or two, but I am in a relationship with a GG and would never cheat on her anyway. Sure, I find some other CD's sexually attractive like you do. But let's not forget...they look like what turns us on...WOMEN. I mean beautiful, pretty, sexy or whatever we might see in another CD is arousing since to our eyes they are women. I hope that made sense.

You answered your own question about how can you tell if you are gay or not. Simple fact is you are not attracted to men. Don't confuse fantasy thoughts with being what you are in reality.

[Sophie86]

Also... I don't think of sexuality as being a switch with three positions. I think it's more like a dimmer switch. There are many different degrees, and the occasional homoerotic fantasy doesn't mean that the switch is in the full on, or even the half on, position. :)

[kimdl93]

Steffi - don't sweat it. You describe a perfectly typical heterosexual. I would say that is rare that a hetero male (or female) hasn't at least fantasized about same sex encounters. That's part of maturation - trying on new roles, imagining new experiences. Sometimes even trying them out in real life. It doesn't "make" you anything but human.

My therapist and I explored the possibility that I might be gay, when we first discussed my cross dressing. Perhaps it was a bit stereotypical thinking on her part, but I felt it was a fair question (note - she asked, she didn't speculate). So, here's what I knew. I had fantasized about sex with men, and had some experience ...kinda like that college experiment thing, except I was in the Army. But, at the same time, I find I'm more attracted to women. So, what am I ...I can comfortably say hetero or bisexual based on thoughts and experiences...but back to your question - I KNOW what I've experienced and enjoyed... you know too...so don't sweat it.

[Marissa]

Steffie, your therapist sounds as good as my ex-wife on how to analyze if a person is gay or not.. my wife (at the time) concluded that I was gay since I preferred the doggy stlye of sexual positions.. hmmmm okay..

She explained that it was the 'preferred' sexual position of gays.. so there you go..i'm gay.. lol.. this even humored me more since that was our preferred position when we first dated and first year of marriage.. since her mind changed, so did her reasoning..

anyway.. just as others have said, fanstasy and thoughts are normal.. experimenting, again, normal. Professing love for the same sex, well that could do it.. :)

Relax.. and maybe next time, ask the therapist what this is based on???? and see what the explaination holds..

good luck..in finding you..

Hugs,
Marissa

[Barbara Dugan]

Also... I don't think of sexuality as being a switch with three positions. I think it's more like a dimmer switch. There are many different degrees, and the occasional homoerotic fantasy doesn't mean that the switch is in the full on, or even the half on, position. :)

I love that one..yes sometimes is not that simple I was asexual most of my life and insecure about my male role even through my teen years:doh:. Around my early thirties I started question my sexual identity. Then I thought to myself oh well I must be gay.
I did some experimenting but still didn't seem right then I started dressing and it changed the whole perspective of sexual identity now I was attracted to males and in a gender I feel more comfortable I still consider it gay I have no problem with it but now my therapist has started to suggest that I may not be gay :doh:

[sterling12]

What made your Shrink think that you are Gay? If it's because you have had The Occasional Fantasy, or He/She hasn't figured out that you might be transgendered? You just might need a New Therapist! One who has experience with Transgendered People. I would assume that this Therapist doesn't have enough to go on, unless there is some other stuff your not telling us.

Go back and explain what Danni is pointing out. Let's see how he deals with that Curve Ball! It's important to remember that Gender trumps Sex. If there's a Girl on The Inside, she's The one that has great influence on whom your Sex Partner might be.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Frédérique]

Am I gay, and don't even know it?
I'm not really into labels, but I consider myself a heterosexual CD.
But, my therapist suggested that I might be gay.
How can I tell? What are the tell-tale signs?

Get yourself a new therapist. If you were actually gay, you would know it, and there would be no need for any questions like this. I think crossdressing can cause ancillary feelings from time to time, along the lines of those you have put forth, but that is more like being bi-curious by association, or, in this case, personal appearance by choice. This topic comes up from time to time, i.e. where a crossdresser is confused about sexual orientation – don’t you think you are in the process of channeling everything you’ve heard or known on the subject, then applying it to your own situation? It’s not so cut and dried, and I need to tell you that the era of effeminacy is long past – your therapist needs to do some updated research on this. I even hear outdated concepts on homosexuality and crossdressing being bandied about on this forum, merely confusing the issue for all concerned. So, are you gay? I don’t know – you tell me. You make it sound like the “tell-tale” signs you seek are symptoms for an unwanted disease. Lighten up, enjoy your variety of crossdressing, and leave the questioning behind – you’ll be glad you did…:)


If there's a Girl on The Inside…

For the umpteenth time, there is no “girl on the inside.” You are what you are, and you dress accordingly…:battingeyelashes:

[docrobbysherry]

I used to think my "toe test" could quickly tell me what I was! :brolleyes:

Just imagine a certain person sucking on your toe, and u on theirs! Before I started dressing at 50+, I NEVER saw a male I would do THAT with!:doh:

However, since I started CDing, I've seen some INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE AND FEM CDs! They LOOKED like women to me! :D

And now I think, "YEAH! I could suck toes with him/her. But, NOTHING ELSE"!:o

My suggestion is:
Why do u need to decide what u r? Let your therapist call u "gay", or a "plumber"! It shouldn't really matter!
Just u keep an open mind!:)

[jenna_woods]

Yes its hard, for one hing most people think that we are crossdresssers we are gay, and that's not true, at least with me, I know I am not gay I still like women,I just dress like them,and a lot of them like it, hope this have helped.

[Samantha Girl]

Steffi, as others have stated, get yourself a new therapist, they are clueless. Either that or they said that to sort of provoke you into fully examining the issue. They still seems pretty clueless to me though either way.

I am Bisexual. I like the idea of doing something sexual from time to time with another man, but dressed as Samantha, and I have. I have no desire to be in a relationship with any man however. As someone stated, in your fantasies are you dressed like a girl? Is it just because you may have a curiosity to see fully what it's like to be a woman, sex included. Not that it's the same, you all know what I mean, I think :p

It does not mean you are gay. I for example like the idea of fully exploring sex, in many different ways, but as you stated, I am not really attracted to men. Without the Samantha part, I have no desire for it, ya know? It's more about the acts involved and being on the other side so to speak. That's what you should be asking yourself in my opinion ;) It's all about exploration of yourself, just try to be honest with yourself and what you want.

Good luck sweety :)

EDIT: As Sophie said so well and hysterically I might add, there are in fact more than 3 switches. The Kinsey scale might make this more clear to some people ;)

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you like GGs and are having male-male fantasies (especially cisgender males who present male only), you are probably bisexual (but of course you can choose not to act on them and only be intimate with GGs.)

[RachelPortugal]

sigh....

G/G's have that excuse, "Oh, I'm totally straight, but of course I experimented a little in college...."

Boi's can't get away with that, but damn, wouldn't it be nice to find out?

I have to disagree with you there, homosexual experimentation has been going on for decades in English universities and public schools.

As for "Am I Gay?" Steffi, well you admit to having some fantasies about men, so I would say you are bi or at least bi-curious. I believe that nobody is 100% straight, although many people go through their lives without having any gay experiences. Who knows what is lurking in our brains waiting for the right catalyst to trigger a gay moment?

[eluuzion]

In my opinion, the only relevant issue at this point is that you do not seem to trust your therapist. It is important to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and feel confident in their expertise. It is not uncommon to "shop" around if you do not feel "right". There is a therapist out there that will feel "right" to you. You just need to take the time to find that person. Do not feel obligated to continue with something that is not working. Therapists understand that issue.

Good Luck

[Byanca]

Don't confuse fantasy thoughts with being what you are in reality.
Why not mix them? There has been said a lot about imagination/fantasy. Like Albert Einstein for one-and I must say I like these ideas he had here;

-“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”

-“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”

-“The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.”

[ChrissySox]

1. I'm attracted to girls/women
2. I'm not attracted to men.


That right there should have resolved the issue. Just because your therapist put some other idea in your head will not change your sexual orientation. I would say you are worrying about it all too much. Be yourself, nobody cares if you are gay or not.

[Fab Karen]

So, am I fooling myself about being gay?

How can I tell? What are the tell-tale signs?
Rent the movie "In & Out" :)

The most obvious sign is forming a group to protest at funerals, or telling people that you can "cure" them of it.

[PortiaHoney]

Being a Hetero CD does not make you gay. If you like men and you seek out men for sex - that makes you gay. Your shrink needs to learn a few things about life. They think that liking men is a logical extension from dressing as a woman. 7 out of 10 CD's wouldn't agree - but many have tried it.

When I approached my GP about T-Blockers and explained to him I was transgendered, he asked me why I don't just wear a kilt. WTF?

Sometimes, those who we believe should know better just have no clue. If they are any good, they might try to learn a bit about the issue. If not, keep looking for someone who can give you useful help.

And, if your shrink has aroused some curiosity in you, give it a go. There are plenty around to help you find yourself. Use protection so your experiment doesn't come back to haunt you. Then, you will definately know which side of the fence you prefer.

[DonniDarkness]

How can I tell? What are the tell-tale signs?

When you lust for men.

The clothes do not change your sexual orientation.

Crossdressing may promote your need to be desired, and when in fem mode you tend to desire what you view as a "females' desire", being a heterosexual TG.
In my life this is what i have noticed about my sexuality and my dressing............

Sometimes the fantasy is only the emotion and not really the physical act.

[ChrissySox]

ahem, anyone ever heard of a
lesbian?

yea, that would be a woman who is attracted to other women. just because you happen to want to be a woman doesn't necessarily mean you want to have sex with men.

[Byanca]

ahem, anyone ever heard of a
lesbian?

Yes. That's a homosexual. It's certainly not heterosexual.

[Tina B.]

Unfortunately, there is a group of therapist out there that believe we are all at the least, latent homosexuals. Dr. Ray Blanchard is one of the leaders of that movement. while that make make it easier for them to see us as not crazy, because were just gay with a twist. It does little to explain all of this to us gay guys that don't want to go to bed with boys. I think I would look for a therapist that knows the difference between sexual and Gender issues.
Or give up therapy, get a boy friend and see if the therapist is right or wrong.
Tina B.

[monalisa]

I think your therapist is gay and is interested in you. Why don't you ask him a question or two?

[ChrissySox]

Yes. That's a homosexual. It's certainly not heterosexual.

Yet, that wasn't the question, was it?

[ChrissySox]

i think your therapist is gay and is interested in you. Why don't you ask him a question or two?

boom!

[Alice Torn]

I think many men are confused theses days! I must admit. I seem to attract more guys than gg's. It seems to me like , not too many gg's are really looking for guys, but, lots of men are looking for gg's, or anyone wearing a skirt!

[ChrissySox]

Once upon a time I had a so-called "professional" pose this exact same question to me. The jerk was sure I had "latent homosexual tendencies" because I'm a feminine guy, and from that he exptrapolated all sorts of nonsense. If I saw this guy today I would b-tch slap him, but he committed suicide.

The guy had no idea what he pidgeon-holed me with because of his homophobia. The fact is that the OP knows what his sexual orientation is and doesn't need nobody to help figure it out. But it shouldn't even be an issue if someone is gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or whatever. Too many in the psychology profession are engaging in malpractice and need to be slapped down.

[kimmy p]

I wondered the same thing as a teenager. Then I thought about snogging a boy, BLECH!. Nope, not gay. I just like ladies clothes.

[joannemarie barker]

I wondered the same thing as a teenager. Then I thought about snogging a boy, BLECH!. Nope, not gay. I just like ladies clothes.

Lol hmmm kinda like that :)

[Annaliese2010]

Am I gay, and don't even know it?

I'm not really into labels, but I consider myself a heterosexual CD.

But, my therapist suggested that I might be gay.

I don't really think so for the 2 best reasons:

1. I'm attracted to girls/women
2. I'm not attracted to men.

But that's not to say I haven't had boy-on-boy fantasies.

And some of you girls are really, really beautiful.

So, am I fooling mtself about being gay"

How can I tell? What are the tell-tale signs?During those periods of time when your feminine self is risen to preeminence and in complete control so that you truly think of yourself as a girl by how you think feel express behave and just know it in your heart, you ARE female by 1st principle, not by choice or pretend....then if you are still attracted to GG's, you are by definition a lesbian. Likewise, if you are attracted to other M2F transgendered individuals you may find sexy and arousing, as long as those TG girls are truly self-identified as girls (like you are) then this is lesbianism i.e. the mutual attraction of two females.

But if you're simply a man crossdressing and always identified inside as a man, then you're gay. On the other hand, if you are truly self identified as a girl and you are attracted to men, you are heterosexual even though the anatomy is the same. Its the inner mind that ultimately determines the label.


141410


I'm like you where as a girl (M2F non-op TG) I'm attracted to girls only be they GG's or other girls like me. I'm lez and hun, seems so are you. Don't worry bout it but whoever you're attracted to just make sure that person is a girl (M2F with real self identity as a woman)!!! And that the person arousing you isn't a man posing or pretending to be a girl, no matter how pretty! To guys who like to dress up but IMO if you're gay it really is your responsibility to honest about it!!! No disrespect but when such a person isnt forthright...lik Eww!!!!

[LilSissyStevie]

I also had a psychiatrist tell me I was a "latent homosexual" once. To hear him tell it, the only thing missing was the knee pads. Being as homophobic as anyone else at the time (early '70s) I worried that it might be true. After all, there were these fantasies where I had sex with males. The problem was that in those fantasies, I was a female, or at least took a female role. So I started to think that maybe I was a transsexual. In those days, a common idea was that a TS was just someone who was so gay they wanted to "go all the way" and be a female full time. As luck would have it, I became friends with some pre-op TSs who were students at a cosmetology school (part of a rehab program I was also in.) All were very feminine "gay males" before they decided to transition. It didn't take me long to figure out that I wasn't like them. But, I still didn't know what was "wrong" with me.

One thing I noticed about my "gay" fantasies was that the males were always vague, featureless beings attached to genitalia. They were never anybody I knew or cared about. They didn't have personalities or even discernible faces. The females I fantasized about, on the other hand, were always someone I knew, or knew about. They were girls I had crushes on and cared about. I never had a crush on a male in real life. In fact, I didn't really like males much at all and had very few male friends. In short, the females were real, whole persons (maybe a little idealized) while the males were things.

The way I currently understand it is that I have the female sexual instinct but I'm not attracted to males sexually or otherwise. I feel I was just born that way but you could make good arguments that it had environmental causes. Taking the male role in sex feels alien and has little appeal for me. Sexually, I have to take a female role. I've found that a properly equipped and willing woman can get the job done as well as any male I could imagine. And much more satisfactorily, I might add, since the emotional/romantic element is present that is always missing from my "gay" fantasies.

(Notice that crossdressing doesn't enter into any of this.)

[Rachel05]

I know I am not gay, I love to cross dress and love to be Rachel whenever I can but I have not one single urge to go with a man and yes you are right many of the ladies on here are exceptional in their beauty and I am never afraid to share my views on that subject, I admire their ability to be much better at being a lady than I ever will be, but it stops there for me - I am sure you would know if you were and if you were then would it be so bad

[Lainie]

These days, in most places, gays are more accepted than TGs. So don't worry about labels. Just be yourself & tyr to get along with people. If anyone asks, you could just say "I don't know, but I think you're cute" if they are.

[DeeDee1974]

In my early years I struggled to find a decent therapist. My first one, she thought I came to see her because I wanted to quit dressing. But I was using the therapy to gain more confidence and convince myself I was normal.

Another thing to remember with therapists is the more things they can dig up to discuss the longer they get to treat you & make more $$$.

Personally I consider my own sexuality to fall in a gray area. Would I ever be intimate with a man? Probably not. Do I know when a man is attractive and enjoy some innocent flirtation? Definitely.

[carhill2mn]

I think that you answered your own question with your "best reasons". How experienced in gender issues is your therapist?

[Sometimes Steffi]

Thanks for all your comments.

First some clarification.

My therapist is a woman, so she doesn't want me as a gay partner

She's also not a homophobe. I usually consider a homophobe to be a male, not a female, because males seem to be much more threatened by men that don't meet their view of "real men". I think they're afraid of being hit on and fearing that their homosexual fantasies my be coming true. Anyhow, she was very favorable about being gay, saying it's no big deal today.

As to weather she is a therapist competant in gender issues, I'm not so sure. In fact, that's why I asked for your insight to better understand myself among my peer group.

I chose this therapist because my wife sees her and I know that they've talked about my CD "problem". So, I wanted to get her take on it directly.

She's kind of a New Age therapist who supposedly reads my brain waves to find out about me. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but I'm testing the waters.

So for the last session, I wnet as Steffi. This really got her surprised and confused. I had asked her in advance if she wanted to meet Steffi, and she said, "Sure, surprise me." She was way more surprised that she expected.

So she now believes that there are 2 "persons": S and Steffi. She still thinks that I'm gay, and that Steffi is my coping mechanism.

I'm planning on going as Steffi to the next session and see how it plays out. If she suggested that I was Bi or Bi-Curious I would have believed her. If she said I was Lesbian, I definitely would have believed her.

I'll try to post again after my next session

[Fab Karen]

Reads your "brain waves" - this is called a con artist. Take anything she says with a grain of salt the size of Jupiter.

[Tasha T]

the movie Slapshot with Paul Newman

Great movie! What were we talking about?

[donnalee]

[QUOTE=Frédérique;2257016]Get yourself a new therapist.…:)


What she said.
It's a relevant question for a therapist to ask, but to TELL you that borders on malpractice, and calls into doubt his/her inteligence, tact and competence.

[sometimes_miss]

I think it's a valid question for a therapist to ask; especially as seeing how many of us here have expressed an interest in dating men. So, it's not out of the question. The therapist may have asked to allow you to consider the possibility more thoroughly, if you haven't done so before. And, your answer, if you elaborate, can help her understand why you are/are not interested in males. LIke all other professions, there are good ones and bad ones. A good one will be able to learn quickly and understand with you what you are going through, and help you learn to analyze your thoughts using scientific processes. Bad ones just go by what they learned, and keep their prejudices intact while they practice, and have a need to fit every patient into a fixed category.
Only you can know how your therapist is treating you. Perhaps write down the reasons why you believe you are straight, then also write down those that indicate that you may have feelings of attraction to males as well, even if you don't believe there's a connection. Then you can both discuss and examine it all. There's a lot of stuff in my bio where I went through the discovery process of learning why I feel so much like a female all the time, yet have no attraction towards males. If any of it is similar to what you have gone through, use it and bring it to your therapist to discuss, and then you can branch out onto other related feelings.

[Sophiewouldbenice]

Brain waves? I did not believe, that she is able to get something out off it. Of course there is much research, but it is not that easy ^^. But I am not a biologist, only a physicist ^^

I would say, if you get horny to see your wife nacked or whatever, then you cannot be only gay by definition ;) - unless you have some other pictures in mind ^^.