Is there a best way to come out to the wife?

[Tammy V]

I started crossdressing when I was a child, but stopped for the most part around age 20 and did not start back again until I was 40. I recently turned 46 and I will tell you over the last 6 years I have gone and farthur and farthur in my progression as a cd/girl. I have learned to dress and do makeup good enough to go out in public (even then usually at night) and as of last year keep my body shaved year round.
I met my wife when iw as 23 and we have been married 11 years now, so she has been with me this whole time, but I have never actually told her about my fem side. I have given out lots of hints, I am not sure what she seen on the computer etc. and she must have noticed my shaving but has never commented on it. I will add that we are almost never intimate anymore and even sleep seperately most nights, but I do feel a deep commitment to her and would like to tell her about my female side. I do not think that she will be accepting, but I would love it if she was and allowed me to dress at home sometimes when she is here and even go out with cd friends etc.
I would love to hear some advice on whether I should fully confess to her, and if so what is the best way to do that? We were in the car almost 2 hours yesterday and I really felt she was in a good mood and almost told her, but the words did not come. I do not know how much more I can take so can I get some advice from my sisters here?
Thanks,
Tammy

[SherriePall]

There is no good way to tell your wife that you CD, especially after you have been married for a while (lesson learned here). Just be armed with good solid information about CDing and be prepared to answer a million questions including the big 2: are you gay and do you want to be a woman?

Tell her you love her, that you still want to be her husband, but that CDing is something that dwells deep inside you.

Others here will follow with more extensive information. I thought I would get the ball rolling.
Take care

[Tammy V]

Thank you Sherrie.

[Dana921]

Please look in the sticky above, it has great advice on telling your partner.

Dana

[kimdl93]

I would first get prepared reading the sticky Dana recommended, then find some time when you can sit down and talk.... Also, think about your relationship - what's been happening outside of your CDing. It might be a good time for some intrspection...and an opportunity to express that deep sense of commitment that you feel to her.

[Megan Thomas]

I would add a couple of things. The first is prepare yourself to lose everything. It may not happen and hopefully it won't, but you must understand that once you tell someone close you share but you also risk. The second follows that on with you are no longer "contained" and "safe". In risking telling someone and hoping to share this you also entrust your secret to them. Trust me, your secret is never as important to anyone else as it is to you.

I wish you well and hope you find a way to tell your wife. The burden we often feel when we keep our true selves a secret is far less once out in the open. As for practical ways to tell her? Hmm... That depends if you want a formal sit down question & answer session, for which you really need plenty of undisturbed time. The other might be with a couple of glasses of your favourite drink and watching a movie/show which features a guy crossdressing and telling her you do that too.

[Shelly Preston]

When you do tell her make sure you are honest

If you tell her lies and she finds out it will be even more of a shock and it will ruin any trust

Write it all down if it will help make things clear in your mind what you want to say

The main thing is not to rush things and let her ask the questions at her own pace

See the link in my signature

[Billijo49504]

Welcome to the family.I think you are well past the best way, that's before you get married. But as others have said, the sticky has a lot of good advice...BJ

[Joanne f]

I am sure that there is some very good advice in the link that Shelly Preston and the others have mentioned as they have a lot more experience dealing with this than i do .
The way i see it there are basically two ways of going about it , a slow softer approach which will give you both the chance to stop at any time if ether of you feel that it is just not acceptable, or the straight out with it all in one go which i feel most of the GGs on here will advocate but you should take into account that most of the GG`s on here have some or a complete level of acceptance and you have yet to find out if your wife will be accepting or not , but also take into account that they are wife`s/SOs of Cders and some have been through this process.
But which ever way you do it as Shelly has said be honest with what you do say and i hope it go`s well for you both .

[Rachel05]

Well my way wasn't the best I have to say, dressed since I was a fresh faced 8yo and thought all these years I had hidden it so well, oh no I hadn't and then one day I got a bit careless, pricked her brain into gear and got confronted with the old "so you want to be a woman" conversation - I thought I would be mortified if she ever found out, but I tell you what, it was like a weight being lifted and I so wish I had had the guts to tell her sooner

She doesn't approve or anything but it is different for me now, less hiding stuff and sneaking around, she knows and I know she knows, she doesn't ask and I don't tell and it hasn't come between us at all, in fact I would say if anything it has kind of made us closer still

So if you think she knows, I am guessing she may well, mine did and I thought she had not the slightest idea

No easy way and the others halfs are all different, to be fair to mine she has never been a fan of men dressed in ladies clothing

[Amanda22]

I'm definitely not an expert on this, but recently "came out" to my wonderful wife of two years. I was afraid of losing everything I had, so the advice given earlier to prepare yourself for that possibility is sound. The answer to your question depends so much on your relationship, which no one can know but yourself. Keep it gentle and make sure she knows two very important things: (1) you just can't keep this bottled up any longer in spite of all your efforts, (2) you don't want to hurt her and will respect her feelings.

I've heard from several sources including this forum that most women don't have a problem with the clothing itself. The problem is with the relationship between the two of you. If she perceives that CDing was an intentional lie you were withholding, that's an issue of broken trust. If CDing will consume all your time and money and take away from your attention for her, that is also an issue.

In my case, everything went wonderfully. I was sure something bad would result. In the end, she suspected all along, much more so than I could guess. Don't underestimate their powers of intuition, compassion, or understanding. I hope this helps.

[Babeba]

The way i see it there are basically two ways of going about it , a slow softer approach which will give you both the chance to stop at any time if ether of you feel that it is just not acceptable, or the straight out with it all in one go which i feel most of the GGs on here will advocate but you should take into account that most of the GG`s on here have some or a complete level of acceptance and you have yet to find out if your wife will be accepting or not , but also take into account that they are wife`s/SOs of Cders and some have been through this process.
But which ever way you do it as Shelly has said be honest with what you do say and i hope it go`s well for you both .

Just make sure - if you DO choose the 'slow, softer approach' that you are honest about what the crossdressing is to you, and what your boundaries are. Once you tell her something, make sure that what you say doesn't become contradictory - some of us take a very long time to accept, and sometimes telling us slowly might seem more gentle from a CD position but from a GG's point of view, it's just moving the goal posts further and further away.

It sounds like you want to tell her in part because you've explored it a lot these past few years, and are at the point where she'll find out when you push it further. I'm really glad that you want to tell her rather than take more risks and let her find out for herself. You basically had 20 years where you did not crossdress and it wasn't a big part of your life, I can see why you didn't tell her when you met or got married. However, it has been something you've been doing for 6 years, and she'll probably be a bit upset you didn't tell her sooner. She may even be more upset about the six years than about the women's clothing. Just remember, you've had all that time to get used to crossdressing, and she hasn't. Before you get caught up in trying new things because you don't have to hide, remember it's all new to her. Go slowly in actions if she wants/needs you to.

[pernille d]

sounds very similar to me , . not a god situation to be in, the longer it goes the harder it will be and the more you need to tell. I would read the sticky above like surgested before and be prepaired like you are going to a skole exam !!!!. i was prepairing to come clean and i got outed as i was careless and left some lingeri around . i got the usual questions and i answered then honestly and rememberd what i read so all went ok,ish . BUT i made one big mistake and that is what Shelly says above , i was honest to all the questions my wife asked ("that i was") but i did not tell more than she asked, thinking "baby steps baby steps " That was the problem my wife was ok about it but her way of handleing it was she did not want to a talk more about it , so we never got further than just lingeri/nylons i wear . now i am back to square one , outed but still in the closset waiting for the time to come 100% clean .

DO NOT make the mistake i made come 100% out with everything . its the only thing to do for your mind and hers. RE the outcome that is something that can go both ways but being honest and saying it how it is to your loved one is the only thing to do.

[Tammy V]

Thank you all so far for your responses, and I will certainly keep reading . I do want to add that even though I didn't dress for 20 years I did want to and it was on my mind a lot. I was just trying to be a the perfect male, but at some point I guess the hormones let up enough for my female side to shine through it and I do not want to go back to being without it.