lisa_vin
09-07-2010, 03:02 PM
First a little background......been married 32 years, last 3 or 4 of which have been very rough. Wife has known about me for years and only barely tolerates at best. The last couple of years it has been eating her alive and dominates her feelings towards me. She first found out about 20 years ago, demanded that I go to a psychiatrist to get it fixed or cured and would not speak of it even after my sessions were over......out of sight & out of speech = out of mind! She buried it in the back of her mind until re-discovering it in me 4 years ago. We spent more time and sessions with a therapist......this time she actually went too and achieved the status of "grudgingly tolerant" but our marriage did not improve. Both of the therapists helped ME tremendously.....getting me to accept and love me as I am and understanding this is what makes up ALL of me, losing my guilt and shame and losing my feelings of freakness, sexual deviant, degenerate and all around loser. Turns out they did cure me after all......of my feelings of worthlessness!
This awesome GG friend of mine has always been there for me and has always been concerned about all of the family. She dated and lived with my brother-in-law for several years before they permanently broke up. I see her for lunch every now and then and I am the only one in the family who cares about or has maintained a friendship with her. We met for lunch last Friday and her first question was "How are things at home?" She knows we have been having problems for years and she knew what most of the impetus was behind it but I had never told her about my cd part and how big a role it has played in all this. I finally decided to level the playing field and tell her my secret since she had no idea it plays maybe the largest roles in our problems despite the fearsome chance that it may cause our friendship to dissolve once she found out.
She could not have been more sympathetic and supportive for me! I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders and a surge of happiness like I have never felt before. She said "What's the big deal, it's part of who you are!" She accepted me as I am and for who I am, no judgements, prejudices or criticisms. I told how how I had kept this knowledge from my wife before we were married and how deeply this had betrayed her love and trust when she found out. She understood how and why my wife feels the way she does and how wrong it was for me to keep it from her before marriage. However, she also reminded me how important and loving it is to accept others as they are and for who they are. She told me that no matter how deceptive and betraying it was, do not ever be hard on myself because it's part of who I am, my character and my personality and to deny it would mean me trying to be somebody else or something I'm not. Not to mention that the happiness level in me would be poor to non-existent. She acknowledged that it was wrong for me not to have told her before marriage......to have given her the opportunity to accept or deny me knowing everything about me up front.
She also made me realize that "barely tolerant" is never going to be the same thing as acceptance and that is what I truly want....to be accepted with all my flaws and drawbacks. She made me realize that I must bear some of the guilt as well.....for I wanted my wife desperately to ACCEPT my femme side which meant her accepting me as I am all the while I was not accepting her for not accepting me. I want and expect her to change her beliefs, morals and standards to make an exception for me and she wants me to drop the cd'ing altogether and be somebody I'm not. We BOTH want to change something about the other and we can't accept each other as we are. So it's a stalemate for now and one or both of us has to eventually make a move to break it.
BTW......it turns out that my GG friend was a psychology major in college. I asked her, personally, what was a deal-breaker for her with guys and relationships and it turns out the cd'ing is not on her deal-breaking list as long as there are rules and parameters established. My friend.......she's a one-in-a-million!!!!!!
This awesome GG friend of mine has always been there for me and has always been concerned about all of the family. She dated and lived with my brother-in-law for several years before they permanently broke up. I see her for lunch every now and then and I am the only one in the family who cares about or has maintained a friendship with her. We met for lunch last Friday and her first question was "How are things at home?" She knows we have been having problems for years and she knew what most of the impetus was behind it but I had never told her about my cd part and how big a role it has played in all this. I finally decided to level the playing field and tell her my secret since she had no idea it plays maybe the largest roles in our problems despite the fearsome chance that it may cause our friendship to dissolve once she found out.
She could not have been more sympathetic and supportive for me! I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders and a surge of happiness like I have never felt before. She said "What's the big deal, it's part of who you are!" She accepted me as I am and for who I am, no judgements, prejudices or criticisms. I told how how I had kept this knowledge from my wife before we were married and how deeply this had betrayed her love and trust when she found out. She understood how and why my wife feels the way she does and how wrong it was for me to keep it from her before marriage. However, she also reminded me how important and loving it is to accept others as they are and for who they are. She told me that no matter how deceptive and betraying it was, do not ever be hard on myself because it's part of who I am, my character and my personality and to deny it would mean me trying to be somebody else or something I'm not. Not to mention that the happiness level in me would be poor to non-existent. She acknowledged that it was wrong for me not to have told her before marriage......to have given her the opportunity to accept or deny me knowing everything about me up front.
She also made me realize that "barely tolerant" is never going to be the same thing as acceptance and that is what I truly want....to be accepted with all my flaws and drawbacks. She made me realize that I must bear some of the guilt as well.....for I wanted my wife desperately to ACCEPT my femme side which meant her accepting me as I am all the while I was not accepting her for not accepting me. I want and expect her to change her beliefs, morals and standards to make an exception for me and she wants me to drop the cd'ing altogether and be somebody I'm not. We BOTH want to change something about the other and we can't accept each other as we are. So it's a stalemate for now and one or both of us has to eventually make a move to break it.
BTW......it turns out that my GG friend was a psychology major in college. I asked her, personally, what was a deal-breaker for her with guys and relationships and it turns out the cd'ing is not on her deal-breaking list as long as there are rules and parameters established. My friend.......she's a one-in-a-million!!!!!!