How much is too much?

[Daenna Paz]

When telling your spouse about you, how much information is enough and how much is too much?
Recently came out to the wife, and am trying to figure how much to say about my many years of dressing ... don't want to send her into 'information overload' ... LOL ;^)

[Amanda22]

Hi Daenna, You look great in your photo, BTW. I hope to have a photo soon, too, but need to start on makeup and wig when my wife is comfortable with it.

That's a tough question and the following is just my opinion based on my own experience. Did you make it clear to your spouse the full extent of your need to dress so that your spouse clearly understands that it's more than just a "hobby?" If so, then I would let her ask questions when she is ready. There is nothing to be gained by telling her details she hasn't asked about. As has been said many times on this forum, it usually takes a spouse a long time to come to a comfort level about dressing. I'd be careful not to interpret a lack of questions thus far as a sign that she has no questions. I don't know your spouse, of course, but I think anyone would eventually seek more information. Patience is difficult in a situation like this.

[Babeba]

You don't need to go into hugely graphic details (unless you're comfy with that and she asks questions) but at a minimum I would say you should let her know how you feel about your gender and your sexuality. If you're TG or TS and not just a CD, that's something that will affect her; if you're not, she may be wondering (i.e. freaking out about it), since so many of us who don't crossdress start out with misconceptions when we first come across it. Let her dominate the conversation when you talk about it - what she asks might surprise you!

[Joanne f]

I think that the emphasis should be on going forward with your wife on the things you would like to do together, but if she does ask a specific question about your past dressing then answer it honestly.


( Thank you amberhurley , just one of my little mistakes):)

[kimdl93]

I guess it depends on how you define yourself. I think you can focus on origins - if you're like me and I think most of us - the desire to dress and express femininity have very deep roots. Its important for her to know that this has been a part of you pretty much all your life - not something you chose, or some reflection on her. Its just who you are. Then I'd let her questions guide your responses.

She'll probably get more information than she can process in a few moments - expect that and allow her time...and be ready to talk again whenever she has more questions.

[Jamie.cd]

I told my girlfriend the basics. Would love to tell her more but I don't know how. My problem is, when I am in my male role I am too male so I don't know how to show
my girlfriend my feminine soft side.

[BRANDYJ]

This is a hard question to answer since every GG woman is different in their tolerance level as well as education on anything about gender issues. But I think the best advice would be to simply be prepared to answer all her questions as they come up. I don't think I'd just go ahead and give her a complete biography of your life and times as a CD. Most important as not to over-load her, is go slow...very slow. OK, she now knows and I assume that went fairly well between you. To the point of at least accepting your confession. So don't be like a kid in a toy store and want to dress all the time or dramatically change your cross dressing habits. Like wanting her to see you dressed. Wait until she might ask. be patient with her. Don't push it on her. I wish you luck and continued love with your wife.

[MarinaKirax]

I would advise trying to balance, as best you can for your SO, the following two things:

1. If you tell her too much, it will overload her, and increase her anxiety. She doesn't need, or probably want, to know every detail of every outfit you've ever worn.

2. Presumably, this is a revelation to her, and she will be feeling that you have lied to her to some degree. You need to 'come clean' in order to rebuild the trust between you. BUT, if you hold back major details, she will sense there are major puzzle pieces missing, and it will erode her trust in you. It will increase her anxiety.

As you can see, if you tell too much, or if you tell too little, she will get anxious. Better get used to it for a while. I was careful to make my sexual attraction to my wife very clear, and my sexual orientation, gender, very clear. That helped alot. Once she begins to wrap her mind around the concept, you can add detail as she asks for it. My 2 cents. MK

[Holly]

Daenna, simply tell her the truth. "Honey, I wear women's clothing because when I do, I feel ___________________ (complete, turned on, normal, sexy, fulfilled, happy, excited, etc.). If you feel it necessary, also state your sexual preference, although that is likely to come up in the ensuing conversation. Tell her that you have resources (you've prepared them already, right?) if she is interested in learning more about life in the TG community (TG here being used as a broad term encompassing the occasional fetish dresser to the post-op transsexual) and also encourage her to develop her own resources with the understanding that like any other portion of the population, each and every one of us has our own characteristics and will embrace differing characteristics and in varying degrees but for a definitive answer as to how you fit into some area, she should seek your input. Pledge to answer any questions she may have now or in the future truthful, fully, and honestly. Assure her that your love and devotion to her is unchanged and that you, yourself, are still the same person within but that you are now wanting to add a physical dimension to the feelings you have been experiencing within. Let her know that you would be grateful for any experience, insight, and help she feels she can offer but that she is under no obligation to do so. Now sit back and take your future cues from her. I hope it goes well for you.

[StephanieC]

I had the benefit of a counselor who talked about the world settling into a state of the feminine and suggested that what I was doing was not at all unusual. She had already seen some of my clothes (and freaked out) but bit by bit, she grew more accustomed. I didn't talk about any specifics but have always been welling to respond to questions about what I do as well as fashion and makeup. From time to time, I do offer an opinion on either that probably shows I know more than I should but she seems to accept that.

Once you answer to few big questions that SO's seem to have, that's usually enough. No need to go into detail.

[giuseppina]

I don't have a GF at the moment, but once the standard questions are answered, I will make it clear that I don't want to overload her. If she wants an answer to a question or questions she has, she has to ask and be prepared for the answer. My purpose is to be honest, not cold or seem less than forthcoming. :)

[Cheryl T]

Guess I overloaded ... we talked for days and I told her everything and showed her all the sites I visit and such. I answered every question as best I could. Seems to have worked as she's very supportive...and loving.

[Patty B.]

Let her set her own pace, and answer all questions honestly. I've done that because it seemed the logical thing to do. Unfortunately my wife has done a 180 and our marriage is presently falling apart, for all my trying, the loss of trust may be to great to overcome, hope it works out for you.

[pernille d]

i think it varies very much according to the partner you have and the relationship you have .so i think you just have to "touch the water to see how warm it it before you jump in "

i was honest and answered every question as best as i could but i decided not to tell more than my wife asked about ,i just told the truth and i remembered the " baby steps " thing. so did not push it but that is where I think i made a BIG mistake .As i thought after the first shock had calmed down maybe we could talk more about it. unfortunaly she has closed doors to it now and does not want to talk . so i am stock in no-mans land , not in the closset and not out (not a nice place to be ).Therfore i reccomend strongly telling all but keeping a fine ballance not to create a total overload by overkill.

[Tina B.]

I see as being like filling a glass of water from a hose, turn it on just a little, and you have a glass of water in no time, turn it up to high, and you make a mess and get yourself all wet. I would give her the basics, then take a deep breath and see what she wants to know, are you gay, do you want to be a women full time, don't I satisfy you, are some of the things they seem to worry about most. While you don't want to overwhelm her, you don't want her coming back two or three weeks later asking why you didn't tell that part, don't make her think you are withholding important facts.
Tina B.

[StacyCD]

I guess I agree with most--let her determine the pace of information flow. Too much is an information overload that will cause her to put on the brakes. I started out slowly with my SO and let her get to the point of asking questions. It's worked for me. We went from don't ask/don't tell to being able to sleep in nightgowns with a bra and forms! Of course, this has only taken 4.5 years.

[tiptop]

I'm about in the same situation as your wife and my limited and minimal experience on the subject it would be to be 100% honest because any more lies would mean Kaput end of relationship ! lies will become apparant later if not sooner. I'd initially need to know what it means to you, would you prefer to be a woman ? why you never told me earlier and your sexuality it's all new to some of us and without honesty we will never be able to understand. Once honesty is established she will be be able to take it at her own pace. x

[Chickhe]

We all have a history and we choose to tailor it. Think about a childhood experience you want to relay to a child...you modify the story to suit them. It is the same. I think all you can do is be honest in the moment and about your goal. Your SO doesn't need to know the past or the graphic deatails, but she needs to know her life will not make a major unplanned change in direction.

[Alice B]

Tell everything. Be totally honest and it will save having trouble down the road. It will not be easy, but is worth it.

[Danlp]

I am open and honest with my wife. I told her everything. We spend many hours discussing the subject. She is very traditional; not at all a happy camper. But after 45 years of faithful marriage, she asks questions, has somewhat of understanding, and I expect it will take years for her to accept. I bear the brunt of accusations and insults from her, but I understand that this is her way to try and change me back to the man she thought she married. This is hard, but I acknowledge it is the problem I caused for her. My advise, is to somehow control your behavior, and be patience.

Danielle

[Daenna Paz]

Thank you all ever so much for your insights ... I learn so much here!

Balance and speed seem to be the main issues ... I am trying to be patient and show her that her 'man' is still in the house.

[MiamiMarie]

Let her set the pace, but be crystal clear on the all the basics (saying that you are not TS if that's the case, that this is not a casual hobby, etc...) so that there is no confusion. After that, just let her know you are glad to answer all of her questions as she thinks of them, and you are happy to give details if she wants. Slow down your dressing for a while if need be. If she starts acting accepting, you may get excited and share everything, but easy does it. Take it slow and wait for her to adjust.

And yes, do anything you can to remind her you are still basically the man she married and be sure to always be honest with her going forward.