View Full Version : My own prison
Lucy_Bella
09-09-2010, 11:43 PM
I really don't no what to do with myself, I have been dressing pretty steady now for a solid year, around 35% of my time nearly 90% of my free time.. Since my GF and I split up I have been doing it alone in my bedroom, I have become consumed with it.
I have my adult daughter and her family living with me so she and he can finish school they do not know how I spend my time and I know it's not healthy for me to be locked up as I have been, they worry about me.
I have been getting very lonley and I refuse to be with another woman without her acceptance to my dressing, mostly because I know I will never stop ( after years of trying). I even went as far as joining a WEB site for women attracted to Trans gender men but was only being solicited by Men:sad:.. So I erased my profile..:sad:
I am not gay or attracted to men but to be honest the lonleyness is makeing me want to learn how, common sence tells me I would be making a mistake if I did go that far. Just last week I was so lonley I outed myself to a family friend who is gay.. I just needed someone to talk to ,I have lost control of reality and I just needed to talk to someone who I thought would understand and who was safe with my life time secret.
I trust this guy and my instincts were correct, he understood and offered to talk to me at anytime, he said he too needed someone to talk to and felt alone .. He is half my age and very open about his sexuality preferance, he respects me very much because I was always understanding and never judged him in fact he was thrilled to death that I came out to him..
Now, .... Big problem..... He wants to meet Lucy..:eek:... I just don't know if that would be a good Idea... I mean I want to due to my lonleyness but then again I just have thoughts of eerie things happining .. I don't know if it was such a good Idea clueing him in on me.. I think I really need to start looking up a theropist..
marny
09-10-2010, 12:21 AM
Locked in your bedroom definitly creeps them out. I think they would feel a whole lot better if you showed up for dinner in your dress and said' Hi, this is Lucy. It's how I feel and i hope you accept it in time! Way better than saying" I'm the unibomber. Would you like to read my manifesto!" Good luck hon.
Lucy_Bella
09-10-2010, 12:27 AM
Marny, You are so right...I wish they could but something tells me they would perfer the unibomber...lol
Marissa
09-10-2010, 12:29 AM
Lucy, its your home..but understand when shared with family and all.. but maybe it would be good to sit down and chat with your daughter to see how things are taken as you talk about some fem things.. and then if you feel okay with it..open up to her..she will (if all is good) be the support you need for the rest of the family in your home..
as far as the family gay friend.. he may be as lost as you..or lonely as you said.. so maybe this is someone to share Lucy with.. if he wants to see..then maybe you need to take that step.. talk about your concerns first and then if you are okay, then do it.. but don't if you have any reserves..
sorry you feel so trapped.. but only time will tell..and most of it is really in your power..
Hugs,
Marissa
Lucy_Bella
09-10-2010, 12:33 AM
Thanks Marny and Marissa,
I have been thinking of ways to approach my daughter about my Trans Genderisum, I wonder if any of the ladies on this site ever had told their adult children and if it was suggested to do so by a professinal?
ReineD
09-10-2010, 12:42 AM
Lucy, at the top of this section there's a sticky, How To Tell Your Partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner). Much of the advice given there can be applied to other relationships as well. Do consider telling your daughter, if only to alleviate her worries about you spending so much time in your room alone.
As to your gay friend, why do you feel uneasy about having him meet Lucy? It sounds as if the two you you could become good friends and I see nothing but good things coming out of the relationship. :) He sounds like a very nice person who needs a friend too.
Lucy_Bella
09-10-2010, 01:02 AM
Thank you Reine,
You are such a sweet GG and I wish I had one just like you in my life, got any sisters that are single and don't mind being with a guy who is a bit on the wild side?
I have struggled with my desire my whole life and until recently ( this past year) I have never really had the chance to explore and feed that burning desire.
The kids as I call them , have way to many speed bumps to deal with right now and the last thing they need to deal with is me throwing another one under them.. I am the only person in their life ( my daughter and son-in-law ) that supports them and wishes to ensure them a proper start in thier life. My grandson who also lives here means the world to me has a happy and un eventful home along with security.
I would hate to put that at risk, I guess what I am saying is I feel .....at this time.....It would be a selfish act on my partto approach them with my lifestyle.. At the same time I do understand that being a hermit could also cause some un easy feelings but they understand I need my privatacy. I have been working 7 days a week 10-12 hours a day, so for now the understanding is the tired factor... I do in time feel I need to tell her because I think she has plans to stay here until she is out of school and finds a career..
As for the Gay friend ,I agree and it's that selfish all about me attitude we get that makes me second guess the right thing to do..He may need me to talk to as well and I should be there for him just as he was for me..
Holly
09-10-2010, 01:08 AM
Lucy, please sit down with your daughter as soon as possible. In your own words, "they worry about me." What people imagine is often much worse than the reality of a situatiion.
As for your gay friend, I would only suggest that you follow your instincts. Two lonely people could let their guards down for a moment only to regret it later. As long as both of you understand that the realationship is platonic in nature going into it, I'd say go ahead (as if you need my permission :)). I hope you both find what you are looking for and your daughter can stop worrying about you.
eluuzion
09-10-2010, 01:09 AM
Being an "explorer" in life makes it worth the ticket for all of us. There is nothing wrong with letting yourself drift out into open space (or ah, maybe in your case..."closed space", lol). The only rule is to make sure you know when it is time to tug on the rope so somebody can reel you back into reality.
Obviously, you read the safety manual and you are doing the right thing, seeking some interaction with people. Your buddy sounds a bit more curious than genuine at first glance here...
I have the same rule that all canines follow...never poop in your own bed....lol
Maybe just a heart to heart pow-wow with your daughter is enough to ease the tension. The last thing you need is to create a crisis that sucks the air out of your own house...maybe "ease" into that CD disclosure gradually, as things smooth out...
Whatever you do, don't go back in your hole and hide...or we are going to have to come out there en' drag ya' out...!!! lol
and quit listening to that depressing music...put on some Tina Turner...that will get the house rockin'....
Marissa
09-10-2010, 01:10 AM
Lucy, I had the unfortunate experience of my wife (soon to be ex at the time) telling my daughters (they were her stepchildren) of my dressing or whatever..but the funny thing..they were ok with it.. one is straight..the other is bi.. and both are old enough to decide..
but if i have any advice to give about telling, its to start slow..talk about things that most men do not talk about.. how a girl dresses.. or anothers makeup.. a movie guys don't watch.. and then just see what she thinks.. slowly open up to her.. about how you feel.. and who you are.. again..no expert..you are the judge of what might work or not..k?
but in a way, i do believe you need that.. the rest will come if you want it to..
Hugs,
Marissa
Lucy_Bella
09-10-2010, 01:25 AM
Thanks Marissa, I will keep that advice a breast sounds insightful.. Thanks Eluuzion I agree with you that one should always have a backup plan , I am digging my own grave or have been and by talking to this friend may be my first sign to reaching out.. Holly thanks also and I do have concerns about awkward moments with this friend, I know I am not attracted to men but saying in that and being Lucy in front of him would be new and un explored ground. You are correct about the lonleyness and the excessive amout of dressing I have been doing this past year has thrown me above any "Pink Fog " I have ever been in..
I just don't want to get into any un comfortable situations there for it would probably be best to keep Lucy at bay for now.. But who knows maybe I am just flattering myself ? He does after all like men and is not attractive to women..
PretzelGirl
09-10-2010, 08:05 AM
I have been thinking of ways to approach my daughter about my Trans Genderisum, I wonder if any of the ladies on this site ever had told their adult children and if it was suggested to do so by a professinal?
Lucy, I am certainly going to agree with everyone that you need to get out of your room and talk to your daughter.
But as far as telling her about you, I am one that recommends a little caution. My thinking is based on how I am handling my daughters. The oldest is 25 and when she moved to where I live, I told her and her husband. She is level headed and her life is going wonderfully. My younger daughter I have yet to tell. She is 19 and lives at home, so you never can tell what she knows, but that is a different discussion. I haven't told her because she has (creates) a lot of drama in her life. So it wouldn't be good for her because she doesn't need more to get upset about (whether real or perceived). From my side, once I am done pondering her needs, which is enough on its own, what risks to me are there by telling someone that isn't in a good place in life?
So you may want to tell your daughter. But I recommend just not having a blanket "do it" and think over the impact to you and your daughter should you tell her.
Sally24
09-10-2010, 08:36 AM
i think it's unhealthy for you to be isolated in your own home. if these are adults living with you then sharing this would not be imposing on them. You can only protect children so long. Let them be adults and allow them to help you for a change. They might suprise you!
EllieOPKS
09-10-2010, 08:43 AM
Lucy
Far be it from me to be a great advice giver as this is a new world for me also. BUT, with that being said, I just wanted to suggest that maybe you do a some online research and look for a CD/TD/TS group or organization in your area or an area within reasonable distance of where you live. This might be the outlet for Lucy to live the bedroom and step "out" to socialize with others. If you locate a group, I bet it would be the best support group you could ever encounter.
As far as you gay friend, if you were comfortable talking with him initially I would keep talking with him. You have total control as to when you will share, if ever, Lucy with him. Hope this helps.
BTW, I think a therapist are good in helping you way the pros and cons in regards to your family.
Stephenie S
09-10-2010, 11:58 AM
Please don't just "show up" at dinner one night as Lucy.
But that doesn't mean you can't TALK to them. You can tell them without showing them. If they say, "ICK", then you know to keep Lucy away from them. If they want to know more, they will say so.
Don't hide away EVERYTHING about yourself. It IS your house. You ARE supporting them. They do OWE you. There is NO harm in talking to them.
It's ALWAYS impolite to surprise people. Talk to them first.
Stephie
Elizabeth Ann
09-10-2010, 12:15 PM
Lucy,
I really sympathize with you and can understand a bit of what you are going through. In your first message you pondered going into therapy. I would like to suggest that as a very good course of action. I began seeing a therapist for depression, but of course a great deal of the discussion was about the cross dressing. Any therapist is going to be nonjudgmental and empathetic. The therapy, while perhaps sometimes painful, is likely to become a great source of comfort, support and trust when you see that the therapist's only goal is to help you.
I know that it seems right now that the crossdressing is the issue, but it may be only incidental to your situation. We don't know enough from your posts to tell, but it is possible that you have retreated from the world for some other reasons, and crossdressing was simply your refuge. Even if crossdressing is at the center of your problem, the therapist can really help. Mine even had me come to some sessions dressed (I came in drab and changed in an empty office). The experience gave both of us new insights.
If you need to talk, there is no better person to talk to about this. I think you would be amazed at how helpful therapy can be.
Liz
Olivia2
09-10-2010, 02:22 PM
Lucy,
I have to 2nd and 3rd what Liz and Ellie have already stated. About 20 years ago, I first revealed my CD/TG life to a therepist at the age of 30 after living in secrecy and isolation from the time of adolescence. It was such a huge relief to share it with someone capable of helping me process it, etc. This therapist was not a gender specialist and I've had many (male and female) since then who had no expertise in the CD/TG realm but all have been supportive and empathetic.
As has also been stated, a therapist can also help you decide if, who, when, and how to tell others about yourself. Organizations and clubs, as Ellie suggested, might be a great way to open up and even dress out of the house while keeping your anonymity and confidentiality if you wish. As you are already aware, too much isolation for any reason is usually not in a person's best interest. It is a very positive move that you are reaching out on this forum. Good Luck.
Olivia
Bootsiegalore
09-10-2010, 02:32 PM
Lucy, I came out to my wife 7 years ago and to my kids about 3 years ago (kids are now 19 and 16 and are fully accepting and like Rachel). I do think you need to talk to your daughter. It will ultimately help YOU!. If they have a problem with it, it is their problem. What if your freedom is to be full time? Keeping hidden from the world is not the answer.
Rachel
carolinoakland
09-10-2010, 02:45 PM
Well Lucy, your children may not know what is going on, but I can bet you dollars to doughnuts they know 'something' is going on. Kids can be intuitve about the person they've known every little expression we make and what it means can be. Get my point? The trick is how to relieve their fears and replace them with the truth. Really, you ARE at a place were you could benefit from therapy, there are ways. They more than likely will not be easy, but in the end learning to be happy with ourselve's is the easiest thing in the world, the rest is just details. Carol
kayegirl
09-10-2010, 04:42 PM
Lucy: Yes I came out to my adult son and his wife, and they have told my adult daughter and her husband. Once they were all reassured that there was nothing sexual about my dressing, and once they learnt that their late Mother knew about my dressing, and were re-assured that I was not using any of her clothing, the subject has never been raised again.
So YES you MUST talk to your family, but please don't just appear at dinner as Lucy, that would be too much. To date my kids have not seen me dressed, indeed it was one of my wife's rules, not in front of the kids, and unless they ask, they will not meet Kaye. Interestingly, a number of my friends who know about Kaye, whilst being supportive, have also said that at this time at least, they do not wish to see me as Kaye.
Good luck, but break free from your prison.
Lucy, for my entire life I struggled with understanding of who I was, as a precautionary mechanism we tend to separate femininity and masculinity from each other. Society is to blame for this deliberate act of passive violence against sensuality and spirit. No one on this planet should have the power to tell an individual they are not to act nor be who they truly are. Lately I am coming to understand that those two separate aspects of self are truly one and the same. When you are in your male mode you are Lucy as well, nothing has changed apart from some style of cloth you put on and bits of powdered minerals adoring your skin. You are you! The more you give in to accept this fact the more peace and serenity will fulfill your heart. I hope you can grow and become happy with who you are and share your wonderful self with others. If at the moment your gut feeling tells you not to reveal full fem to your kids than that is the course, always follow your instinct. There will be a time for this revelation, you will know it!
carhill2mn
09-10-2010, 05:46 PM
If he knows about Lucy and wants to meet her I think that you should go as Lucy. However, you should act like any woman who is meeting someone for the first time; ie., a public place, arrive separately, just because he is an old family friend who is gay does not mean that you should not be careful.
I hope you have a great time!
Stephenie S
09-10-2010, 06:20 PM
Because this concerns a part of my life that I have put behind me, I don't usually respond to this sort of question. But I will here.
I told ONE sister. Then she took it from there. I chose my favorite sibling, we had a chat, she freaked out, she talked to a good friend of hers, she got straightened out, and then came around in a very supportive fashion. She then took charge of informing and educating the rest of the family. My brother came to visit, and brought one of my sisters. Then we had our annual get together, and everyone was there. My family is now completely accepting and supportive.
I want to stress that "explaining" this can sometimes be only a waste of effort. Try and get your F&F to "accept" what is going on. Understanding can come later, if at all.
As time goes on, this will all fade into obscurity. Right now, it's pretty important. But rest assured, life will go on. Your post stirred my memories, but this is all something fading quickly into the past.
Stephie
Lucy_Bella
09-10-2010, 06:23 PM
Thank you everyone Great advise..
Penelope Marie
09-10-2010, 10:27 PM
Lucy another thing you could do is have family movie night with Tu Wong Foo, thanks for everything Julie Numire as the feature film. you can guage family response from the way they react and respond to the movie / i love that film. i told my chile years ago while she was still a teen. her response was i quote"i do not need another mother" well i hate she felt that way but oh well i am who i am and its not about to change because someone is uncomfortble with it. that was years ago she may have changed her thinkng since that time. i wish you all the best . please do seek a theripist it can only help.
RachelPortugal
09-11-2010, 02:34 AM
I believe that talking to a good friend will give you far more benefits than a therapist. A therapist, no matter how well qualified cannot get to know you as well as a friend in a few sessions. Save your money and let your friend see Lucy Bella. I am sure that getting out or your room as Lucy Bella will do you a world of good.
Lucy_Bella
09-11-2010, 03:21 AM
I am leaning towards that Rachael,
About 10 years back I seen a Therapist , I was not impressed at all! After I exposed my CDing tp her she glared at me with disgust and rudley commented I needed a "Gender Identity Therapist " ..Now I know there are certain fields that Therapist specialize in but all should have one thing in common, human nature..
I think I may if I get enough courage to visit my friend go in something similuar to this outfit, Is this not too conservative should I pick out something else? It will be posted in my pic's when aproved by the staff ..
Tina B.
09-11-2010, 09:02 AM
Lucy, I love how you are willing to sacrifice your whole life for others, not many could do it. But, yes there is always a but isn't there, but I can't understand why if we need some space to be ourselves, we are being selfish, why are we not intitled to any happiness? And did you ever think, hiding in the bedroom, day after day, will make your daughter, and son in-law,think they really are not welcome in your home, and you are avoiding them because of it. Then taking that thought forward, maybe you want them gone. That could make a person very insecure. I don't know the answer to the problem, but I think you need to talk to your daughter, or find a trans group to join, you need an outlet. As for the gay friend, as long as he knows it's just the same old relationship as before, except for the dress. There is a lot of loneliness in the world, even if he is out. Why pass up an opportunity to have a Friend to talk to as long as the mutual respect remains.
Tina B.
RachelPortugal
09-11-2010, 09:09 AM
I am leaning towards that Rachael,
About 10 years back I seen a Therapist , I was not impressed at all! After I exposed my CDing tp her she glared at me with disgust and rudley commented I needed a "Gender Identity Therapist " ..Now I know there are certain fields that Therapist specialize in but all should have one thing in common, human nature..
I think I may if I get enough courage to visit my friend go in something similuar to this outfit, Is this not too conservative should I pick out something else? It will be posted in my pic's when aproved by the staff ..
I think you will be fine in that denim mini and camisole as shown in your album, with a jacket over the cami and a nice pair of heels. To me that depicts you as you feel naturally, so go with it. Just stay of the alcohol so you are in total control of your faculties and I am sure your gay friend will respect you as a hetero CD.
Elizabeth Ann
09-11-2010, 01:34 PM
I am leaning towards that Rachael,
About 10 years back I seen a Therapist , I was not impressed at all! After I exposed my CDing tp her she glared at me with disgust and rudley commented I needed a "Gender Identity Therapist " ..Now I know there are certain fields that Therapist specialize in but all should have one thing in common, human nature..
I think I may if I get enough courage to visit my friend go in something similuar to this outfit, Is this not too conservative should I pick out something else? It will be posted in my pic's when aproved by the staff ..
Lucy, I am sorry you had a bad experience with a therapist. It doesn't sound like the behavior of any professional therapist I know.
Of course it is your call, but I just want to point out that therapists and friends are not substitutes for each other. In fact, any competent therapist is going to urge you to cultivate and interact with more friends. The therapist will strive not to be your friend, but to maintain a detached perspective where they can lead you to insights that a friend may not see. You don't have to choose between them. You can use everything in your arsenal to have a better life. And, to be honest, I have friends whose advice I would never take.
Liz
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