Roxie_31
08-17-2004, 03:25 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi all! I wrote this for myself. I don't know that it's good, it was written purely on emotion not thought. It's just about me coming to terms with myself. I decided to post it here, because I hope just maybe it would help someone else struggling with the same issues. I hope you like, or at the very least, can see where I was coming from...
XOXOXOX
Roxie
Confessions of a Cross Dresser
So here I am. I've been thinking about this for weeks now. Analyzing and over analyzing (who,me?) every bit of it. Ever since "The Big Night", it seems to have become forefront in my mind. Not that its a bad thing, mind you, yet, the thoughts never seem to stray as far as they did. Hmmm. Mostly, i write this to revive my own sanity, yet, I feel the compelling desire to share it. If with no one but myself. Unfortunately, the society in which I reside prohibits any such behavior. Damned shame we cant just accept each other and celebrate the individual. No, instead we must ridicule, disallow, demoralize, and just plain hate that which is not understood. Sadly, we are forced to conform to the beliefs or mentalities of those around us. And yes, I too bow to their ideals, if only to survive. I dont like it any more that you do, but at least my heart knows the truth.
Skip ahead about two decades. Here's me, a new wife, and a secret life I hated. A part of me which seemed to have no purpose but to make me feel like shit. Like a freak. Like some kind of oddity who belonged in a 40's era sideshow. Something even I didnt understand. All I knew was I hated myself for it, yet was so drawn to it that I couldnt stop. Resistance was futile. As you can imagine, I tried endlessly to rationalize it. Also a waste of time. ****, I'm just not normal. So I continued to hide it. You understand.
Fortunately for me, I had met my wife. She has this uncany ability to see into and accept that which seems so abnormal. I guess that comes, at least in part, from her upbringing. Don't know for sure, but god bless her for it. Yet, no matter how much she tried to convince me it's ok, I still felt like some sort of alien. Yet she tried. At least, she allowed me to go about it without question or pressure. She often told me how she liked it when I did dress for her. Still, shame would get the better of me, and either I beat myself up about it, or, just resisted the urge to dress. Then came her job in Anchorage...
######. ******. &&&&&. Probably the three things about Alaska I'll never forget. Well, there are other terriffic memories, but those three are awful hard to top. Lisa took me there on a MUCH needed vacation, the summer of '04. 16, july thru 1, august. Best two weeks of my life, I think. Certainly the most enlightening. Lisa talked me into doing it there. But not within the safe confines of a locked apt., no no no no no. I had to do it big time. Looking back, my reluctance was understandable.
Nothing has ever opened my eyes more to true beauty than the last great frontier. And certainly, nothing had ever given me more life. But little did I realize how that would all pale in comparison to the events of the eve of 31, july,04. Never had I felt so free. Oh, you bet I was hesitant. Almost didnt go thru with it at all. That probably would have been the seacond biggest mistake I ever made. Those present remarked how proud they were. How much courage it took. Truly, 'twas the biggest, boldest step I have ever taken. No it wasnt easy. Yes, I was in fact frightened beyond belief. But deep down, I felt I had to. Besides, I'd probably never see these people again, right?
And so it was arranged. I was taken shopping. Spent all afternoon to find the perfect outfit. My nails were all fixed up. I was escorted to the salon where the transformation began. Hair, makeup, the works. Scared to death. The final glimpse into the mirror all but convinced me I was crazy. Yet I was determined to go thru with it. After what seemed like forever, we arrived at the bar. Still scared to death. But something wonderfull happened within mere moments...
As I sat there, talking with some of the nicest people I'd ever met, I began to feel wiered. Not bad, just strange. I began to relax. I became comfortable. I was getting looks. But not the bad kind. Seated amongst gay men, lesbians and drag queens, I knew they were certainly not going to judge me. At least not beacuse I was wearing women's panties. A few even pronounced their jealousy if the fact that I could pull off the dress I was wearing. Then something else happened. Something that is to change my life forever...
Amidst all of this, suddenly something even bigger came to light. No, not the embarassing potty thing. I FELT OK. As the night wore on, I just felt better. Holy shit! I've been pouring it over in my head ever since. I felt good. Somehow, it was just all ok. I was having fun with it, and no one thought any different. It was just ok. It is just ok. As this began to sink into my soul, I fought back hard the tears. After all, I couldnt mess up my make up. I fought hard. To use that damned ol' phrase once more, it was like a huge weight was taken off me. It was finally OK. I think I did cry that night, late, in bed, after Lisa went to sleep.
Well, I say my soul found a home there. And it did. I still find it hard to hold back the tears. After all those years of battle and self abuse over it, I am finally free. Not that I can run down the street here proclaiming it, but I am free within. I can finally allow myself to say, no to be. I am a cross dresser. And its cool with me. No longer do I feel like a freak of nature. No longer do I fell less human. In fact, I feel more human than ever. I feel good about that part of me. It's a small part of who I am, but it had caused me great pain. Till now. Finally, after all this time, it's truly ok. It's me.
And to those very special people who are so understanding and supportive, I cant thank you enough.
All my love,
Roxie May Seward August, 2004
__________________
Hi all! I wrote this for myself. I don't know that it's good, it was written purely on emotion not thought. It's just about me coming to terms with myself. I decided to post it here, because I hope just maybe it would help someone else struggling with the same issues. I hope you like, or at the very least, can see where I was coming from...
XOXOXOX
Roxie
Confessions of a Cross Dresser
So here I am. I've been thinking about this for weeks now. Analyzing and over analyzing (who,me?) every bit of it. Ever since "The Big Night", it seems to have become forefront in my mind. Not that its a bad thing, mind you, yet, the thoughts never seem to stray as far as they did. Hmmm. Mostly, i write this to revive my own sanity, yet, I feel the compelling desire to share it. If with no one but myself. Unfortunately, the society in which I reside prohibits any such behavior. Damned shame we cant just accept each other and celebrate the individual. No, instead we must ridicule, disallow, demoralize, and just plain hate that which is not understood. Sadly, we are forced to conform to the beliefs or mentalities of those around us. And yes, I too bow to their ideals, if only to survive. I dont like it any more that you do, but at least my heart knows the truth.
Skip ahead about two decades. Here's me, a new wife, and a secret life I hated. A part of me which seemed to have no purpose but to make me feel like shit. Like a freak. Like some kind of oddity who belonged in a 40's era sideshow. Something even I didnt understand. All I knew was I hated myself for it, yet was so drawn to it that I couldnt stop. Resistance was futile. As you can imagine, I tried endlessly to rationalize it. Also a waste of time. ****, I'm just not normal. So I continued to hide it. You understand.
Fortunately for me, I had met my wife. She has this uncany ability to see into and accept that which seems so abnormal. I guess that comes, at least in part, from her upbringing. Don't know for sure, but god bless her for it. Yet, no matter how much she tried to convince me it's ok, I still felt like some sort of alien. Yet she tried. At least, she allowed me to go about it without question or pressure. She often told me how she liked it when I did dress for her. Still, shame would get the better of me, and either I beat myself up about it, or, just resisted the urge to dress. Then came her job in Anchorage...
######. ******. &&&&&. Probably the three things about Alaska I'll never forget. Well, there are other terriffic memories, but those three are awful hard to top. Lisa took me there on a MUCH needed vacation, the summer of '04. 16, july thru 1, august. Best two weeks of my life, I think. Certainly the most enlightening. Lisa talked me into doing it there. But not within the safe confines of a locked apt., no no no no no. I had to do it big time. Looking back, my reluctance was understandable.
Nothing has ever opened my eyes more to true beauty than the last great frontier. And certainly, nothing had ever given me more life. But little did I realize how that would all pale in comparison to the events of the eve of 31, july,04. Never had I felt so free. Oh, you bet I was hesitant. Almost didnt go thru with it at all. That probably would have been the seacond biggest mistake I ever made. Those present remarked how proud they were. How much courage it took. Truly, 'twas the biggest, boldest step I have ever taken. No it wasnt easy. Yes, I was in fact frightened beyond belief. But deep down, I felt I had to. Besides, I'd probably never see these people again, right?
And so it was arranged. I was taken shopping. Spent all afternoon to find the perfect outfit. My nails were all fixed up. I was escorted to the salon where the transformation began. Hair, makeup, the works. Scared to death. The final glimpse into the mirror all but convinced me I was crazy. Yet I was determined to go thru with it. After what seemed like forever, we arrived at the bar. Still scared to death. But something wonderfull happened within mere moments...
As I sat there, talking with some of the nicest people I'd ever met, I began to feel wiered. Not bad, just strange. I began to relax. I became comfortable. I was getting looks. But not the bad kind. Seated amongst gay men, lesbians and drag queens, I knew they were certainly not going to judge me. At least not beacuse I was wearing women's panties. A few even pronounced their jealousy if the fact that I could pull off the dress I was wearing. Then something else happened. Something that is to change my life forever...
Amidst all of this, suddenly something even bigger came to light. No, not the embarassing potty thing. I FELT OK. As the night wore on, I just felt better. Holy shit! I've been pouring it over in my head ever since. I felt good. Somehow, it was just all ok. I was having fun with it, and no one thought any different. It was just ok. It is just ok. As this began to sink into my soul, I fought back hard the tears. After all, I couldnt mess up my make up. I fought hard. To use that damned ol' phrase once more, it was like a huge weight was taken off me. It was finally OK. I think I did cry that night, late, in bed, after Lisa went to sleep.
Well, I say my soul found a home there. And it did. I still find it hard to hold back the tears. After all those years of battle and self abuse over it, I am finally free. Not that I can run down the street here proclaiming it, but I am free within. I can finally allow myself to say, no to be. I am a cross dresser. And its cool with me. No longer do I feel like a freak of nature. No longer do I fell less human. In fact, I feel more human than ever. I feel good about that part of me. It's a small part of who I am, but it had caused me great pain. Till now. Finally, after all this time, it's truly ok. It's me.
And to those very special people who are so understanding and supportive, I cant thank you enough.
All my love,
Roxie May Seward August, 2004
__________________