Why me?

[Asako]

I'm feeling pretty low right now. None of my friends who are online are either old enough to offer sage advice or know about me being trans. This issue requires with knowing about that side of me. I'll try to explain what happened as best I can.

One of my sisters has stirred up the nest again with my mother. Things that good parents should never be told were said and have been said before. She has created all kinds of drama between my mother and my mom's mother. She's even created drama between my mother and my other sister. I've even been dragged into the middle of this since it started about 4-5 years ago between them.

Tonight, I realized something. I'm scared of what she would do or say if she knew I'm trans or CD. I don't know if she'd use it to attack my parents or not. I don't even know if she'd do the worst and out me to the ENTIRE family on both sides. When I mentioned this to mom, she said she doesn't know what my sister would do with the knowledge but she did admit that the rest of the family wouldn't be very understanding at all about it.

Now, I'm afraid of what the future might hold. I'm appalled at how one of my sisters could be so cruel and hateful to our parents. That's not the worst part though. The worst is that I want to curl up into a ball and cry but the tears just won't come. Not because of some "masculinity" or "boys/men don't cry" but because my tears just don't come out any more unless something has hit the most sensitive spot of my heart.

[7sisters]

I'm not going to judge your sister. There's one like her in every family. She looks like she cannot control her tongue. After a while, no one takes these people seriously. They talk rubbish all the time. Chances are you mom and dad have developed immunity to her hysterics. The best thing to do is ignore her and walk out of the room when she gets like that. It will make her more hysterial, but you wont be getting into a verbal war with her and you will keep your peace of mind. I think she feels insecure.

Your mom already knows you are trans; she also says your family, well most of them, would not take it too badly. So you have your most close and integral social circle intact (your family).

What if your sister blabs to the town. You say you come from a close minded town. Asako, dont underestimate people's ability to be at least kind about it.

Well let me tell you that you will find some of your townies who dont take it well. And there will be others who see you holisticaly as a fairly nice human being.
My grandmother was from a village, she was illiterate, never went to school, yet a more mature and discerning woman I have yet to meet. she never looked down on anyone or up to anyone.

Asako, we all become a little numb during a time of extra pressure. It's your brains defence mechanism. It does not mean you have become hard or uncaring. I've been reading your posts and I can tell you are a caring good human being. But you need to have a little more faith that the uinverse is taking care of you AND your loved ones; realise you cannot micromanage everything. Do your best, and then Let go.

[AKAMichelle]

My brother is stirring up trouble all the time. Luckily he is so mad at the family at the moment that he hasn't talked to any of us for years. So I guess things will be quiet for awhile.

Protect yourself and go on with your life and definitely limit what the sister is told.

[Chickhe]

The answer is to keep out of it... bite your tungue. It may be hard, but don't get involved. If they try to pull you in, say, this is between you and her. For the CDing part...that's what happens when you tell someone...you have to trust them and you also have to be prepared for the day when they tell everyone. I think before telling people of your secret, you have to accept yourself for who you are so if people do find out you can stand tall and be proud and it will be a non-issue.

[MiamiMarie]

Well, your sister's ways are keeping her from getting to know the real you, and it's her loss. Hopefully, it's a phase she will grow out of.

[LeannL]

In addition to what others have said, such as walking out when your sister gets "dramatic", I would suggest that your best plan of action would be to plan ahead. Talk to your mother and get the outline of a plan for what you and your mom would do if your sister gets out of hand again. Knowing that you have a plan will put your mind at ease. Once you are at ease, then just move on with your life.

You didn't say what the living arrangements are with respect to where your sister lives. If you are not living together, you could just make a point of not being around when she is.

Good luck and keep a positive attitude.

[Asako]

I wasn't really thinking straight last night so yes, I did forget to explain the living arrangements. My sister lives in another state and I live at home with my parents.

[7sisters]

So she'll go back to the other state and leave you all in peace. I hope you are feeling better today. You sounded so low yesterday.

[Alice Torn]

Family can sure be a living hell! For 56 yrs, my older twin brothers tormented me, and they still are some, with letters to my dad, from prison, saying i am not doing much . I am sorry your sister, is so awful, in this. Lots of good advice from others here.

[Asako]

@7sisters:
Believe or not, this is what she's accomplished with just a cell phone and internet...it would be scary to think of what she could do if she lived near by or even a two minute drive away.

@Louise:
Yes, family can be Hell. Sometimes, a person's true family doesn't even share a blood or marital tie in any way with them either.

[Lucy_Bella]

Asako,

Something I learnt a longtime ago, That being you can pick your friends but not your family,,..

I am sure the family , if it came down to it will stand by each other through thick or thin .. Blood is thicker than water..You sound from your post young,Had I the courage to express Lucy when I was young would have been a blessing . Looking back it's bad enough that starngers would look down upon you without knowing who you are or what you are going through. But for family to not support you sounds awful..
Keep in mind that soon you will move away from home and live your own life, maybe for you it would be best to keep your secret and hold out until that time.. As you mature you will understand that what you are going through isn't such a bad thing and if family is going to judge you for who you REALLY are then maybe it's family you might wanna think about staying away from..

Gaood luck hope all gets better..

[Asako]

Asides from my parents, my oldest sister, and MAYBE her husband...I'm not all that confident in the possibility of acceptance of the rest of my family. Why? They freaked out and made a big deal out of Adam Lambert(or whoever that American Idol guy is) being gay. If they make such a big deal over such a small thing, then I would definitely change the face of their worlds forever.

As for my age...yea, you nailed it. I'm at the incredibly supple, youthful age of 24. =^.^= I say it that way because...just how many years did I spend in the beginning learning basic knowledge and human interaction? =) Oh yea, somewhere in the ball park of 8-10 years so basically, life will just really be starting in about another 6-8 years. ;P

EDIT:
Compare the tone of this post to the OP. I tend to rebound from depressing things quickly enough but when it hits home, it really hits home.

[ReineD]

Asako, y ou strike me as a very sweet and sensitive person. This is for you: :bighug2:

It is hard when you have to be involved with people who are self-centered and vindictive. But you need to trust that the people your sister is trying to hurt have their own inner strengths and I don't think she's got the power to ruin their inner landscapes as much as you give her credit for. So set your mind at ease. Rather, your sister is the one who is unhappy and who needs positive thoughts sent her way, so that maybe she can come to be at peace with herself.

The best way to deal with someone like that is to detach, but detach with love. Refuse to have anything to do with her attempts to involve you in her dramas. Change the subject. Look at her with an understanding smile and say that you understand how she feels, and then talk about something else.

Do you live at home? If you do it may seem crucial for you to have everybody know and accept, but you will be on your own eventually and your life will fill with other people of your choice. Your distant family will fade into the background. Your parents know and this is all that really matters. Later on when you've become entrenched in your own separate life, you may choose to tell one sister and perhaps the other, and if they do speak out of turn it won't affect you quite so much, since you will have your own life, friends, and perhaps your own family.

I think the future holds good things for you, because of your sensitivity and your ability to love. :)

[Asako]

"self-centered and vindictive"...that describes my sister to a T. Granted, she can be just as sweet and caring as everyone else once in a while too. >.>; I'm worried about being "outed" by her but the hardest part of it is watching the toll it takes on my parents. Knowing your child "wishes you dead" isn't something people just get over.

And yes, I do live at home. It doesn't seem crucial at all for the rest of my family to know about me. In fact, I'd rather prefer they DON'T know. I'd live on my own but financially, it's not possible to build a wardrobe AND live on my own at the same time. Minimum wage job+stingy hours at job+high cost of living=no apartment of my own.

[Maria in heels]

Asako...you are putting way too much power to your sister, and as I see it, you are allowing your sister to dominate and control you with the fear of being "outed". She is in another state, and yes, there is the internet and phone, but if she isn't around, then who is to know right? Your mother knows, and at this point, you seem to be comfortable with this, and everything is working out at home isn't it? I think that you should keep this between you and your mom ( in terms of family ( and just relax a little..take the worry out for a few hours, and see how much better you can feel.

I have sisters who know, as well as a father, stepmother, and grandmother who all knew about my crossdressing...there was no true outward support, but then, there was no taunting or push to therapy or anything other than "indifference"...

[Tina B.]

Asako, I'm sorry to say it, but every family gets to have at least one person who is a miserbly unhappy person, sometimes you don't even know why they are so unhappy. But as the old saying goes, "misery loves company". So your sister wants to share her pain, by making everyone else suffer. But I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to relive your parents pain, other than be a good, and respectful child, and your parents will know, that some of there children came out right. As for your sister, it sounds like she doesn't know about your secret at this time, I would try to keep it that way. But if the worst happens, and she does tell everyone your business, then at least you have the knowledge that your mother already knows, and you have her love and understanding. Sometimes thats as good as it gets. But between my mother and the rest of the family, shes the one I want to hang on to.
Tina B.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Years ago my sister stired up so much s##t in my family that I just wrote the
whole family off life is much easier now.

Orchid

[Alice Torn]

[I can relate, in that thousands of times, I have cried out, "Why Me?" Why did i have to be in this sick family? At 56, I still feel like my dad and brothers look on me as a 16 yr old. Like Blue Orchid, I almost wrote off my blood family 30 yrs ago, and may have had a better like, if had done so. Guilt always brought me back, being shame based. You are so right. Blood family is not as important as spirit, friends family![/B]

[Asako]

@Maria:
I don't think I'm "giving her too much power". I just know my sister's SOP and how effective it is. I could go on and on about the things she's done to hurt others but I hate focusing on such negative emotions. If I were a superhero, those negative emotions would be my weakness.

[kimdl93]

Asako,

What do you think lies beneath your sister's hostility - seeminly towards many members of her own family?

[Gerrijerry]

Just my 2 cents. Which you can take or leave. I happen to believe that sooner or later CD or TS gay or lesbian get outed at some point in their lives. You can deal with the idea now and prepare for it or wait until it happens. Either way it will effect you and those around you. It is not your fault you are the way you are. All you can do is some how deal with it the best you can. It can be a sister like yours. or even your mom who by mistake says something to someone without her even realizing she said it. It happens so chin up smile and try to make the best of what life gives you.

[Asako]

Asako,

What do you think lies beneath your sister's hostility - seeminly towards many members of her own family?

When I think about all the people she hurt or that had their self esteem torn down by her, I remember a lot of them being nice people who hadn't even done anything to her. So, if I had to pick a reason, I'd say she views herself in a negative light and can't stand to see others who are living what she sees as a better life than her own. If you were to ask her what her childhood was like, it'd sound like me and my sisters had uncaring, s**tty parents who abused us. Ask me or my other sister and you'd here about a good childhood that other kids wish they could have had. I know for certain she purposely hurt a teacher's self esteem to the point that the teacher almost quit and she had even beat the crap out of a classmate so bad that the girl was left with possible double vision for life. Both people were really nice and did nothing to her. So, I'd have to say it's because she has a highly negative, warped perspective of everything in her life.

[kimdl93]

That's a sad, but I'm sure perceptive analysis. I wish I could offer a way around it...but I doubt that she'll change (if ever) unless she's faced with the worst consequences of her behavior.

Back to you, tho, I gathered that your Mom know's you are a CDer. Is that correct? If you were outed, as I have been as the result of a period of anger during a divorce, you may be surprised, as I was, at how accepting many people can be.

[Asako]

Yep, both my parents know about it. Neither believe it's what I need or that it's right but both have said that I'm their child, that they love me regardless, and will help me if/when I need it. It's a bumpy, uneven road with them but it sure beats what the worst scenario could have been so I ain't complaining one bit..

[kimdl93]

Given that, I don't think you need to worry about your angry sister. You have their support and love...and you've got a great life ahead of you. One thing - your avatar has a sad face and beneath it says "villiage idiot". I think you should find a more positive image for yourself because you deserve it.

[Babeba]

Good god. Your sister sounds like some sort of incarnate demon! She sounds like the type who will leave no effort spared to hurt other people and bring them down to the level she perceives herself to be at. Still, your family can ignore her phone calls and delete her emails. It sounds like you have very caring parents, so they probably wouldn't want to do that, even to a daughter who has treated them so crappily - but I think that would be for the best for a little while. It'd give your parents a break from it, and give your sister a very strong message that she just can't pull that nonsense anymore. Your parents (and you) don't need to be treated like that.

[Asako]

That's not a "sad" face. It's from the anime Lucky Star and she's trying not to fall asleep in class after an intense gaming night. ;P I don't know if it's animating on your screen or not though. The "village Idiot" thing is just me being silly. ^.^ I don't take it seriously. ;D It's what I actually name my "nation" in games like Civilization 4 or my cities in browser games like Travian or Ikarium. Life is too short to be serious so laugh, smile, and be YOU! Otherwise, you might not always be happy. =o At least, that's what I think. >.>

[MsJanessa]

hi darling---like they say you can pick your friends but not your relatives---there seems to be one like your sister in every family--I've got one of those too---a real drama queen and whenever she is around, its all about her---so count yourself lucky she lives in another state--as far as your mother goes, something tells me she is a strong woman and will get over this unscathed.

[sarahjo1989]

i don't understand

[danielletorresani]

That sucks. I HATE the idea of someone knowing my secret and holding it over my head... No fun at all.

[Karren H]

Time to fly the coup, imho.... I got in an argument with my mother and grandmother right after we got married and I packed up everything we owned and moved to another state (had a job lined up) and didn't speak to them for three years..... Make life what YOU want it to be not what your sister tells your parents it should be......