To Stay Or To Go..

[AliciaJordan]

There was a thread about dreams. In that thread, I told of one of my dreams I had after admitting to myself and my wife about wanting to be myself, a woman. In the dream, I had moved from Hamilton to Vancouver and transitioned to finally be myself.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately as my wife and I have talked about me becoming a woman. She isn’t really all that happy about it and I don’t blame her. In fact it hurts me even more that I will be hurting her and changing her future plans/dreams she has about us as husband/wife. I have about another month before I get to talk to a therapist but need to talk with somebody about this. My wife doesn’t like to talk about it or hear about it as she keeps telling me we just keep repeating ourselves.

We have talked about, although very little, what would happen should I start HRT after talking with the therapist. I asked her if I would still be allowed to stay with her and the kids. She wasn’t sure as she feels that once I start HRT, I am basically a woman. She did say that if I did stay, we wouldn’t be romantically involved like we are now, which I understand. I would never ask her or pressure her into something she is not. Wouldn’t be fair.

I do worry about how the kids will react and take it. I feel they will be fine but she feels differently. My biggest fear though is how the rest of the family will react towards them and how their friends will. As I will do anything I can to protect them from everything out there, I feel the best is to leave and follow what the dream suggest.

Has anyone done something like that, lived in one place then just moved away and became the person they really wanted to be?

Alicia

[Ze]

Has anyone done something like that, lived in one place then just moved away and became the person they really wanted to be?

Pretty much, yeah. My situation is somewhat different than yours, though, since I didn't have any real loved ones or attachments to people to begin with. So I just cut ties, upped, and left with the intention to start a new life and transition. All alone and with no connections.

Be warned, though. It sounds exciting, but it can severely suck trying to transition and start your life over. It's surprisingly complicated and I found myself holed up in my new apartment for weeks in a deep depression. I've been since climbing out of it. Be prepared for such situations as an inability to find employment. Be prepared for such awkward TG issues as applying for jobs and doing interviews while in the middle of changing your name or before hormones. Your life may become totally different than it once was, beyond gender and for better or for worse.

[Hope]

Your purpose as a parent is not to decide for yourself how your kids will react to the world around them, or to protect them from the world around them. Your purpose is to teach your children how to interact with the world in a mature and healthy way. Your children may or may not react poorly to you, but that is not for you to decide, that is for them to decide. But if you have done your job as a parent, or if you are still engaged in that task, you can encourage them to react in a positive way, mostly by the way you present it to them.

You can walk away, rather than engage with your family, but that is not going to be helpful to anyone.

[AliciaJordan]

Your purpose as a parent is not to decide for yourself how your kids will react to the world around them, or to protect them from the world around them. Your purpose is to teach your children how to interact with the world in a mature and healthy way. Your children may or may not react poorly to you, but that is not for you to decide, that is for them to decide. But if you have done your job as a parent, or if you are still engaged in that task, you can encourage them to react in a positive way, mostly by the way you present it to them.

You can walk away, rather than engage with your family, but that is not going to be helpful to anyone.

Hope you have said everything that I feel inside but didn't really want to admit. I debated writing this as I didn't want to hear it out loud but I guess some part of me did want to hear it. That's what I love about this place.

Sometimes it feels easier just to run away and not face those fears. It is easy to teach our kids to face their fears and not to be afraid to be themselves around others. The hard part is following what we try to teach.

Talking with our kids about all this is going to be really hard but it is something that is going to have to be done sooner or later. I just hope we have all the answers for their questions when that time comes.

Thanks for the replies.
Alicia

[Stephenie S]

Hormone therapy need not be the end of a marriage. I know of two, and there must be more.

In fact, it is possible that hormone therapy could SAVE a marriage by removing that terrible frantic angst that comes from a lifetime of testosterone poisoning.

Transition is most likely to end a marriage, as few women want to be married to a woman. But just taking hormone therapy does NOT mean one has to transition. I tried to make this point earlier today. JUST because you begin therapy, or begin hormone therapy, you are NOT automatically locked into transition.

Go to therapy.

Start hormone therapy.

Neither means you HAVE to transition. Lighten up, guys.

Stephie

[suzy1]

[QUOTE=Hope;2263162]Your purpose as a parent is not to decide for yourself how your kids will react to the world around them, or to protect them from the world around them. Your purpose is to teach your children how to interact with the world in a mature and healthy way. Your children may or may not react poorly to you, but that is not for you to decide, that is for them to decide. But if you have done your job as a parent, or if you are still engaged in that task, you can encourage them to react in a positive way, mostly by the way you present it to them.



If only life was that simple. "Your purpose as a parent is not to decide for yourself how your kids will react to the world around them or to protect them from the world around them"......... Whats a parent for then? our children come before anything. I mean anything! including us parents wants or needs!

SUZY

[AliciaJordan]

If only life was that simple. "Your purpose as a parent is not to decide for yourself how your kids will react to the world around them or to protect them from the world around them"......... Whats a parent for then? our children come before anything. I mean anything! including us parents wants or needs!

SUZY

As parents we are here to protect our kids only to a point. If someone was to approach my kids to hurt them, then I would do whatever was needed to protect them from harm. If someone was to call them names, then I would teach them to deal with it as I can't always be there to protect them from such events.

I understand what Hope was saying. Yes I would love to protect my kids from all the evils in this world but it would be very foolish to do that. At some point, they will need to have the skills required to deal with said evils on their own and hopefully teach their kids the same skills. Teaching my kids that what I am going through isn't evil and is something that needs to be dealt with will make them stronger. I educate them about this and when others start to attack them about it, they maybe able to teach them, if they are willing to learn.

I agree with what you say about our children come before anything, but at the same time, what kind of parent would I be if I didn't take care of myself as well. What kind of parent would I be if I was depressed and miserable 24/7? Children need to learn that your own health and well being need to be addressed as much as their own needs and wants. We try and teach our oldest that no matter what he needs to keep his asthma in check.

So as a parent, we are here to teach our children how to deal with the world around them and give them the skills to protect themselves. This should be the number one job of a parent, along with giving them your unconditional love and support.

Alicia

[Traci Elizabeth]

Our children come before anything. I mean anything! including us parents wants or needs! SUZY

I have to take some issue here with Suzy 's remarks. First off, the age of your children have a lot to do with who comes first when. So does the circumstance or situation one is in. Do adult children come before a spouse? Not in my mind. Do adult children's reckless regard for their parents warrant placing them first? Not in my mind. Do we live our life "for" our children, I hope not - else they will never mature or become a productive part of society.

My mother once told me many many years ago something I have never forgotten. She asked what would you do if your "only" child and your mate who was your "soul-mate" both fell overboard in opposite directions and neither could swim. Who would you save (assuming only one can be), your "soul mate" or your "only" child? Yes, an extremely difficult and seemingly impossible quandary yet you must choose!

I, at the time, could not give an answer. She on the other hand replied, " I would save my "soul mate" as you only have one but you can have another child." At the time, I thought "wow" that sucks for the child but as I matured and aged and have lived my life with "my soul mate," I understand the wisdom of her choice.

So children are indeed important and rely on us for most of their childhood and often to the end of our own lives BUT the love of your child does NOT mean they come before EVERYTHING else. To place them there is very selfish and actually harmful to the well being of the child.

SECOND PART:

OP stated that "She (her wife) did say that if I did stay, we wouldn’t be romantically involved like we are now" - trust me, for most of us, once we are on HRT for any period of time sexual advances, sexual desires, or ability to perform takes on a very low priority if at all.