Where am I going

[Michelle I]

After reading numerous posts here, I feel like I am just repeating some post but here I go. I returned from SCC a day early due to family obligations, while I was packing I text my hair stylist who has become a very close friend with the words "I don't want to go back to being a boy again", she simply text me back with "I know who Melissa is and I love you.". On the drive home I cried numerous times, talked to myself and tried to get the feelings to go away. That night while in bed, I swore I heard my late wife breathing next to me, I opened up, told her how I felt and why (only wish I would have done that when she was alive). On Monday, while working outside, I had a butterfly fly at me several times, one time she tried to land on my shoulder but after getting close flew off.
I am not sure where I am going with this post or even with my life, I do know that SCC changed me this year. I am scarred of the future but I am tired of living lies.

[Ze]

I'm very big on animal symbolism characterized in both dreams and real life. :) I'd definitely categorize that as a distinct symbolic moment, that butterfly was obviously trying to get your attention. Butterfly is primarily symbolic of the following things: (1) something about you should or is trying to settle down, (2) there's a transition in your life, (3) your mind is taking up a new way of thinking or finally becoming clear, (4) there's no need to stay trapped, and/or (5) it's okay to feel frazzled at this time. Altogether, Butterfly says that whatever is happening, no matter how crazy it may seem, is meant to happen because it's just yet another step toward you becoming yourself.

Although the above isn't written (or is directly symbolized) regarding potential trans issues, it sounds like it might be hitting pretty close to home with your current inner turmoil. :) I've never gone to something such as SCC, but I do remember the very first time I went out in public as male, which was a drag ball, and then to a late-night diner afterward. I didn't pass particularly well, but the simplistic joy of that evening never left me. It was at that point that I began to truly come out to myself and slowly move forward with what would make me happy. Yeah, it's definitely scary and I myself continue to worry about the future as I press on, but as you say, you cannot live such a huge lie the rest of your life.

Sounds like it's time to have a good sit and be truthful to yourself as best you can. And like I say to just about everyone, maybe some therapy as well.

:hugs:

[Teri Jean]

Melissa, first off is you are not alone and yes it is scary as well as lonely sometimes. I know because I am in the same place as widowed and alone. I do have two daughters who are getting more comfortable with their father as a woman but it is a work in progress. I got to the same point a year ago where I did not want to continue as a male so I decided to get a little help from a gender therapist. Since then I found myself and why so much was confusing me about my gender. Now I'm so much happier. Not everyone will come to the same conclussion or path so it is your journey.

Now the part of the trip home and the night time dicussion as well as the butterfly, There is a lot that you could conclude and I'm not you but here is my insite. While you were packing you made the discovery that we all make sometime and reaching out to a friend for support is very natural and the response is what you needed at that moment. She is so sweet. Secondly the trip home and crying is telling me you have made your decision and it is the tensions that have built for all these years has finally released. you feeling of hearing your wife is no feeling to take lightly and she was probably laying there to say it is okay and you need to take care of yourself your way. And the butterfly was that outward confirmation that she wanted to say you are as beautiful as the butterfy and because she did not land was her way of saying be yourself and let the old self free.

Now with the tears of having been there myself and being close to your age I want to say there is a prayer for you from a sister who understand. I wish you the best dear and what ever your journey gives you I hope you charish every moment. Remember the friends you made at the SCC conference and the feeling of finally belonging.

Hugs, tears and kisses. Teri

Ze, I did not read your response but for a guy you have some really great understanding. Hugs to my bro for your sis Teri.

[Gerrijerry]

while I was packing I text my hair stylist who has become a very close friend with the words "I don't want to go back to being a boy again",


We all need support and that was a good thing to do at that time. Reach out and tell someone.


she simply text me back with "I know who Melissa is and I love you.".

That is an interesting reply. I think you should have a real talk with her you may have a better support person then you realized.

On the drive home I cried

We all do that under stress you are still a person who has feelings after all.

I swore I heard my late wife breathing next to me, I opened up,


They say it could be true maybe yes maybe no. That is not impotant but you did tell yourself how you feel and that is important

I had a butterfly fly at me several times, one time she tried to land on my shoulder but after getting close flew off.

Butterflies do that. But inside you are looking for someone or something to say it is ok become who you need to become. Scary yes but it is time to do something.

I am not sure where I am going with this post or even with my life,
of course you do. You want to be full time and I believe that support is waiting for you with your hair stylist.

I do know that SCC changed me this year. I am scarred of the future but I am tired of living lies.


We, all in this forum reach that point, the truth is what you make it. You are old enought to become who you need to become and stop worring what others will think.[/QUOTE]

[Inna]

Alone

I’ve walked the path in fog and mist
I stepped onto the rough and coarse
I felt my way alone and wondered how
I’ve gone so far and stayed the course

When fog has cleared and light fulfilled
And warmth of sunrise caress my skin
I looked around and found all those
Who stood by me through thick and thin

From days of long ago and gone
Their love is here and always be
So walk into the fog I will
I am not alone, they stand by me

[Regina]

Hi Melissa,


I too denied it for years...too many years, the door has opened for me and I will never get a better opportunity, so my journey has begun, there are good days and bad days, but overall I am happy and excited with my decision. Take your time and think things through, you will arrive at the right decision.


Regina

[Michelle I]

To all that has responded a great big thanks, this forum and its members are wonderful.
Ze: beautiful butterfly response, makes one think even more.
Teri Jean: your life sounds a lot like mine, except my sons do not know yet. Thank you so much, with tears in my eyes.
Geri: as I was talking to my late wife in bed, I never thought that I was really talking to me.

I can tell from your posts that you think I know what I need to, I think you are all right. My first step is finding a therapist and starting to be truthful with everyone.

[morgan51]

Congratulations Melissa you are on the path that is right for you. As time goes by you will become who you really need to be if you are honest with yourself and your councilor best of luck to you and know you are not the only one on this journey! We all have gone thru where you are now and we all still search for our truth daily it seems to be a journey not a destination for me. Hugs Morgan

[Victoria Anne]

Melissa , congratulations on your discovery , we all have our moment of discovery when we realise we can no longer go back . Mine came shortly after changing my name , from where I new that Tim had leave forever so I could be happy in my life. I still find myself searching for the truth but I do not ever question my decision to begin my life full time , this coming Saturday is my birthday , it sounds like you will be choosing your birthday soon as well. All my best to you .

[Michelle I]

Thanks Morgan and Victoria, I still am not sure what the moment of discovery was (think it was Lana's talk on transitioning) but I do know that I have to do whats right for me. I have my first appointment on Friday at 2PM, I am not scared of going but scared of where this journey is taking me.

[Michelle I]

Well I just got back from my first appointment, as a male person I am not use to telling my feeling. Some how some of my feelings started to flow, right now I am just trying to take in all that we discuss. I am tired but feel better than I have for quite awhile. Guess we will see where this road goes!
I showed her some pictures from SCC, hr comment as she viewed my avatar photo was " I cant believe you get read."

[Michelle I]

I have my second appointment tomorrow, I would like to know what some of you think of me going as Michelle. The therapist knows of her but I am not sure if its too soon to bring her out to discuss all the problems.

[Faith_G]

It's never too soon. Go as YOU! :hugs:

[Melissa A.]

Be who you know you are, whenever and wherever you can. You may eventually find you can't do anything else. May you be free to live your truth. I'm rooting.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[gabe]

I had a butterfly fly at me several times, one time she tried to land on my shoulder but after getting close flew off.


When a butterfly emerged from the chrysalis it had just completed its final transformation. You are on the final leg of your journey, this wing development phase will eventually set you free and soaring like a butterfly.

[Lisawilson]

This thread really hits home. I've been having the same struggle. More and more Lisa dominates my mind.

I remember all the times I purged all my stuff - as if I really could. All I got was wasted money and time. I haven't done that in a long time. Still though, my job, my family, my life as I know it? I am confused.

[luvSophia]

I have my second appointment tomorrow, I would like to know what some of you think of me going as Michelle.
As Faith said, go as yourself. I think you are probably merely talking about presentation. Back when I was going to therapy and I was still working I would go however was convenient. Being Sophie was not a dress I had to run home and put on before I could see my therapist as myself. Granted, it is hard at first to feel genuine when you're wearing slacks and a button down shirt but eventually, as you discover who you really are, you realize that it comes from the inside out and not the reverse.

[Michelle I]

Thanks Faith, Melissa, Gabe and luvSophia: I am going as Michelle, I want to be able to express and when she is out she is more open. "Granted, it is hard at first to feel genuine when you're wearing slacks and a button down shirt but eventually, as you discover who you really are, you realize that it comes from the inside out and not the reverse." I love this piece of advise, you girls are wonderful.

[Michelle I]

As Faith said "It's never too soon. Go as YOU!". I went as Michelle, opened up even more which is a new thing for me. I told the therapist of some of my future plans, she said I thinking you are transition now. She said its a journey, you are mapping somethings to become even more open to people. So yes, I think you have started. Wow was that an eye opener.

[Faith_G]

I'm glad it was a good experience for you. :hugs: