Well It Finally Happened to Traci - or - Do You Ever Feel Like An Ugly Duckling?

[Traci Elizabeth]

I have been on this forum for 7 months now (and HRT the same) and have spouted off over and over again just how smooth my transition has been going, how easy it has been for me, and how happy I have been every day of my transition. I am sure many of you have "gagged" when I posted such comments like a broken record.

Well, it has finally happened to me. Monday morning (patch changing day), I woke up and looked into the mirror and saw the reflection of a "butt ass ugly" woman. My hair looked like I had stuck my finger in an electrical outlet, I had put make-up on the prior evening to go out in, got home late and went to bed with it all on. I looked like a frick'n Zombie! And I am not kidding.

My wife tried to assure me that I was a beautiful woman but that is not what I was seeing in the mirror. She even said that she would style my hair for me which she did. I took my time with my make up and dressed in my typical Chico's Travelers tank top and coordinating pants. After a couple of hours, I began to feel better about myself.

Fast forward to TODAY (less than 9 hours after changing my second set of patches) and I felt like the "ugly duckling" again and I felt in the dumps all day long today.

These two days are the only time since I started my transition that I have ever felt negative about my appearance. But I am sure making up for lost time by the way I feel about myself today.

What's wrong with me?

[sandra-leigh]

It isn't by chance that my avatar is the swan from the "Ugly Duckling" story. :sad:

[My Lady Marsea]

We like all get "those" days, but don't let it throw you into a drama or wutever. At least you have a wife who like obviously cares about you, that's more than most here have. Most of us have to pull ourselves out of any bad times. We can't all be on a high 24/7 feeling elated over everything. Just put it behind you and like think about all those hard earned previous "good" days that you speak off. I guess the other option is to like chuck it all and go back to being that other person you never wanted to be, not a real good option though. Hang in there girl and even as you read this, what happened like 20 minutes earlier is history, try for the future.

[carolinoakland]

Ta Da! Welcome to womanhood! Women do have mood swings you know, and it's learning how to cope on those days that is part and parcel of a normal womans life. You've spent your whole life wanting to be a woman, not just the fun bit; all of it. And I have to say your wife is an angel, the time's I've moaned at another woman.... OMG the earfull I got about " welcome to my world and what I've been dealing with for X years..." So, there's nothing wrong with you, your a woman. yay!

[sandra-leigh]

I guess the other option is to like chuck it all and go back to being that other person you never wanted to be, not a real good option though.

My appointment this week with my general therapist, she asked how I'm feeling about my forthcoming appointment to discuss HRT, and I mentioned uncertainties. One of the things I said is that some days I just wish all these gender issues would go away and that my life would go back to normal. In response, she asked me, "When was that? When did you feel normal?" After a brief pause, I had to answer that my life has never been normal. And that, of course, means that I don't have anywhere to go back to; all I can do is move forward.

[Traci Elizabeth]

It isn't by chance that my avatar is the swan from the "Ugly Duckling" story. :sad:

Oh Sandra, I am sure you are the antithesis of the "Ugly Duckling" story.

[corynn]

My Wife said welcome to womanhood look at the up side sweetheart at least you DO NOT HAVE PMS AND PERIODS you're a woman without that part and thats why GG'S are mad towards T-Girls !!!!

[Traci Elizabeth]

My Wife said welcome to womanhood look at the up side sweetheart at least you DO NOT HAVE PMS AND PERIODS you're a woman without that part and thats why GG'S are mad towards T-Girls !!!!

Well that is one way of looking at it. At least I'm glad I don't have periods and resulting PMS, or do I? :)

[Ze]

So...all GGs are mad toward transwomen and that's the reason why? :raisedeyebrow: Let's throw in more stereotypes and assumptions while we're at it. Even I know that some women love, embrace, and welcome such functions...and I'm a transman!

[Hope]

I am pretty sure that every one of us feels ugly from time to time. Of course, if you are me you feel ugly, basically ALL the time. But even this is movement in the right direction. Better an ugly girl than a guy any day of the week!


So...all GGs are mad toward transwomen and that's the reason why? :raisedeyebrow: Let's throw in more stereotypes and assumptions while we're at it. Even I know that some women love, embrace, and welcome such functions...and I'm a transman!

Wow, that was helpful. And Soooo insightful as always! Thanks for the input...

[Ze]

Poor Hope. You're going to lose your favorite hobby if I ever leave.

[Byanca]

I am pretty sure that every one of us feels ugly from time to time. Of course, if you are me you feel ugly, basically ALL the time. But even this is movement in the right direction. Better an ugly girl than a guy any day of the week!

me too, I go 24/7 most all the time, not transitioning. And been doing this for some years. Except a few months at home with family in the summer where I go androgynous. But that feeling of being ugly is often so strong that I can't even make myself look in the mirror on the worst days. But some days, I do think I look nice(hormone variations? as there are clear differences in my skin). So then I go out, and let myself be checked up by guys, and maybe even follow them home. But I can't even undress properly, this embarrassed I am. If they are very very sweet and gentle, it's more okay. But this thing is really depressing. And I feel sorry for them for taking suck a wreck as me with them.

This is why I love flowers so much. They bring me hope. Like this picture I took this summer. Wish it was my time to open up.
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4140/4739902294_b5e867a6df_z.jpg

[kellycan27]

We all have those days, but we just have to keep on keepin on. Can't sit around and mope cause we "ain't feelin it"

Kel

[Traci Elizabeth]

Better an ugly girl than a guy any day of the week!

Hope! Are you a student of Confucian? You always seem to expound such wisdom~! I would certainly agree with you but I am not so sure that Ze is going to be a follower of such insight! :)


We all have those days, but we just have to keep on keepin on. Can't sit around and mope cause we "ain't feelin it"

Kel


Kel, there is no way you have those days too! You are just trying to make me feel good in my moment of weakness!

[Ze]

but I am not so sure that Ze is going to be a follower of such insight! :)


Yeah, I unfortunately made for a pretty girl.

[Veronica_Jean]

Traci,

Two thoughts: 1. Never go to bed with your makeup on!! If you do, never look in the mirror in the morning. Everyone woman hates some of that reflection in the mirror and no matter what, sometimes you always will.

2. Welcome to the emotional ride!! As you pointed out you have been on HRT for 7 months now. I am just over a year myself. Seems that in many ways emotional peaks and valleys are a normal part of every woman's life, and you are there or getting there. Some days you just can't stand the very same thing that the day before you thought looked perfect!

All in all, you are just functioning like most other women in the world.

Ze...
I love the new pic!
If only a body or brain transplant were possible!! Then all we would have to do is find pairs of F2M and M2F that were willing to trade!! So many of us M2F would have made amazing men (if we were men!) and you would have made an amazing woman (but we all know you are not a woman).

In the end as long as we can be comfortable just being ourselves, the rest is just dealing with life as others of our gender deal with it. It just means you are normal Traci!

Veronica

[Ze]

Definitely, Veronica. I know many of us say it, but it really would be great if body swapping was somehow possible. Pretty much all of us have ugly duckling syndrome at least sometimes and it might be more common for transfolk simply because we have that "past body" hanging over our heads if and when we've transitioned. I think we tend to be harder on ourselves because of that.

[Rianna Humble]

I am pretty sure that every one of us feels ugly from time to time. Of course, if you are me you feel ugly, basically ALL the time.

Caramba! I didn't know I was Hope! After all, she looks pretty, I don't!


Better an ugly girl than a guy any day of the week!

As I told my doctor "I'll never be a beautiful woman, but I woudl rather die an ugly woman than live another day as a man".

Traco, the others have said what I would have said to you, there is nothing wrong with you, so instead I'll offer you a :bighug:

[Chickhe]

...and the good news is....you look like a woman.

[Traci Elizabeth]

C I would have said to you, there is nothing wrong with you, so instead I'll offer you a :bighug:

I have the warm and cozy feeling...Thank you for the hug Rianna!

[CharleneT]

My Wife said welcome to womanhood look at the up side sweetheart at least you DO NOT HAVE PMS AND PERIODS you're a woman without that part and thats why GG'S are mad towards T-Girls !!!!


Well that is one way of looking at it. At least I'm glad I don't have periods and resulting PMS, or do I? :)

Got some news fer ya'll.... while on HRT you most definitely can get PMS. Not all the symptoms but there are a few. No bleeding, but if you are on a HRT regime that includes cycles, you get the other symptoms big time. Many docs believe in cycled hormones to mimic the natural process better. Mine included


We all have those days, but we just have to keep on keepin on. Can't sit around and mope cause we "ain't feelin it"

Kel

BINGO !

Still it is good to acknowledge it all and get a little support from like minded people. I know the mirror (at least mine) can be a big enemy during transition, especially early on. There are some days that I would completely avoid it, if it were not for shaving and makeup (I can't do either with the reflection). Truth be told, I had a small version of one of those moments only a few moments ago this morning . . . it gets easier with time, really :) :D :)

Traci -- nothing wrong with you at all and it is true that you will get that feeling on occasion, just have to go with it, get past it and know it is not true. Ask almost any GG and they'll tell you that they get the same sort of feelings.

[kellycan27]

Traci

I have my moments of self doubt, and i am not immune vanity. I do have those days, and they are just as tramatic for me as they are for anyone else. I have bad hair days, bags under my eyes, and days when I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. :hugs:

Kel

[sandra-leigh]

and days when I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head.

I have days where I do crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Fewer of them these days, but I had one just a week or so ago. Panic attack, so I took my medication and went back to sleep for about 1 1/2 hours.

[TxKimberly]

. . . Even I know that some women love, embrace, and welcome such functions...and I'm a transman!

You must be kidding?! I think some women (including my wife - I asked!) like what it represents - the ability to still bear children, but I have a lot of trouble imagining any woman actually liking her period.

[Inna]

Ok looks to me like the most here have their moments of feeling ugly or so! That makes me the only one with cup half empty, cause I have the moments of feeling pretty followed by eternity of feeling ugly. Why does it always have to be me :-( :-0 :-)

[kellycan27]

I have days where I do crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Fewer of them these days, but I had one just a week or so ago. Panic attack, so I took my medication and went back to sleep for about 1 1/2 hours.

Aside from being physically ill, I don't have the luxury of doing that for he most part. I have to go to work, the market, the bank etc. ...even when I feel butt ugly :heehee:

[Ze]

You must be kidding?! I think some women (including my wife - I asked!) like what it represents - the ability to still bear children, but I have a lot of trouble imagining any woman actually liking her period.

Believe it or not, I've come across many women that say they enjoy it to some extent. :eek: It could very well be by association, but they never admitted to it as such.

[Dora Faye]

What's wrong with me?
Uh, you're normal? For a CD I mean, right girls?

[TxKimberly]

Believe it or not, I've come across many women that say they enjoy it to some extent. :eek: It could very well be by association, but they never admitted to it as such.

And to think that I thought that I was nuts!

[Rianna Humble]

Ok looks to me like the most here have their moments of feeling ugly or so! That makes me the only one with cup half empty, cause I have the moments of feeling pretty followed by eternity of feeling ugly. Why does it always have to be me :-( :-0 :-)

Alexia, this is learned behaviour. I spent nearly half a century learning how to hate my appearance because I was in the wrong body. The best I ever felt in that presentation was "a slob in an expensive suit". Once I decided to accept who I am, I had to learn that I am not an ugly woman. I have been told now on several occasions that I am pretty - it is hard for me to understand because of all those years learning that I was ugly, but I am beginning to accept that it is not merely flattery.

If you look anywhere near as pretty as your pictures, you are way more beautiful than I will ever be, so please learn how to accept yourself for the beautiful person you really are. If I can do it, so can you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

me?? I never ever have "one of those days"...i wake up every day feeling more and more beautiful!!

[Traci Elizabeth]

Kaitlyn,

THANK YOU!

I really needed that. I feel so much better now! I feel Beautiful!