National Coming Out Day

[karen1562]

So October 11th is National Coming Out Day.

I've been thinking about coming out in a more public way by making a post on my facebook page. Of course, this is something that I have yet to discuss with my wife, so let me first put out there that I would never do it without first discussing with her.

So I guess here's a couple of questions. First, I don't have a TON of friends on there. I've got some high school friends, some former church friends, just people I've known in general for the last several years. I don't really get on facebook very much, but I felt that if I wanted to make something public, that would be the way. I think that my concerns stem from 1) having people I work with as some of my friends. And I guess that's really it.

I've thought about un-friending some of the people I work with, make the announcement, and then if they ask to be my friend again, let them on. I don't know. I suppose my concern with people I have worked with knowing is that perhaps someway, somehow, my company will find out.

I'm very fortunate in several ways with my work. One, I work from home. So no one I work with ever see's me on a day-to-day basis. Two, my company is very large, and I work with a group that is in a completely different part of the country from some of my former co-workers. (so it's unlikely people on fb would be in the same circle as some of my current co-workers who aren't on my fb as friends). three, my company is SUPER open. They've got sex and gender identity protections in their HR statements. They actually have Trans-education material on their internal HR website. And there is a LGBT company-supported group within the company (there's groups for African-Americans, Latinos, Asians, others, etc).

I think my worries stem from a couple of things. One, I'm not ready to come out at work. I haven't even begun to work on my face yet and I know that I would just not be comfortable w/ going full-time until that's done or almost done. Two, I haven't been doing very good lately at work, and I don't want to give them a reason to for "finding something" over which to let me go. I've worked at the company for about 6 years now, so I feel pretty established. (And while I haven't been doing well recently, my managers know I do good work from my former role).

Now the reasons for me wanting to come out. I think the main reason is that I think it would be a big step forward for me. I think it would be just one more thing for me to do to help me get closer to living full time. I think I would have more confidence as myself, if others that I know/used to know knew about me. I've always been big on being open an honest (just an example, many years ago, I wrote a post on MySpace that I liked to wear women's underwear. This is before I'd even fully known myself!)

Anyways, (aside from me talking with my wife first), what are some other thoughts everyone might have with this conflict of being open, but not being fully open?

[PretzelGirl]

Well, you have thought over a lot and will probably have a lot of feedback. There are two things that stick out to me.

This whole Facebook thing sounds risky to me. So you drop the work friends, out yourself, and then add the work friends back in. Well, first you would want to delete the status and all the comments about your outing as someone can read your complete history the minute they are added. You can setup a status to only go to certain friends, so anyone else never sees it. But it is a mess just begging for a misstep. And that isn't counting someone you outed yourself to posting on your wall. Basically, if you want to out yourself to a lot of people, Facebook is a great way to be outed to the rest. And if you are ever looking for a new job, it is known now that recruiters will look at as much of a Facebook page as you will let them to evaluate you.

Which leads to the next thing, "I haven't been doing very good lately at work". I think you are right about being concerned on this. If you aren't producing at work and you come up with something that causes them work (more training or dealing with discrimination), then you could easily be gone. It sounds like you have a nice job (work from home is sure a good starter). I wouldn't do it until you fix what you feel are your failings and get a lot of good time in. I don't know exactly what your job is, but here is a general comment. I work at the work complex. I interact daily with people and I build my value with them by helping out and being there to addess things. A general thought I have on work at home jobs (and certainly not an all encompassing thought, so apply it if you thing it applies) is that you are roughly a faceless person to many at work. There are many people that would love a work at home job. If push came to shove, would they really keep you around or look for a replacement amoung hundreds of qualified applicants?

Good luck. Wanting to out yourself to virtually everyone cannot be an easy decision. So keep thinking it through and do what is best for yourself and your future. :hugs:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i think in the end you have to do what's right for you......

I have a strong opinion though.... coming out on facebook is likely to be a huge mistake...HUGE

this is a life changing permanent thing you are talking about ...there is no way to underestimate the impact it will have

your basic idea of taking steps to full time is excellent...and the way to take steps is to go one person at a time...gain trust and acceptance and understanding from one or two or five people...make those people understand how much you care about them and trust them by bringing in them into the loop....allow yourself the freedom to make mistakes and adjust your disclosure..
...if you are not ready to talk to your closest and best friends about this...then what do you gain by posting on facebook??

you want to have control of your information..you want to come out on your terms...you want to minimize surprises...you want to help people understand how important this is to you...none of that happens on facebook..

as far as work goes, i think many times we overestimate our protection under policies and laws...yes we are generally protected and companies are better and better...but you must have mission critical skills and talents or after you disclose you will be passed over and over as people whisper behind closed doors...if i was your boss, i would not want to read about this on facebook...i would want you to come in and talk to me about it, show how committed you are to transition..

ok i take it back..i dont have a strong opinion i have an VERYSTRONG! opinion...LOL
I hope you don't mind i know alot of disclosure stories

[Vickie_CDTV]

Personally, I think putting anything deep and personal like that (especially if you are using your legal name), on Facebook is crazy. Remember, anyone can see what you put there (regardless of your privacy settings, anyone could potentially be able to see it), and whatever you put there lives forever and could come back to haunt you.

Employers can get rid of unwanted employees if they really want to, especially if you work in an "at will" state. In an at-will state they can fire you for any reason at all (1 minute late to work, don't like the color of your pants you are wearing, whatever.) Laws and company policies are all well and good, if your boss takes offense to your TG status, they may not be able to help you.

A dear friend of mine who transitioned was shortly fired thereafter, even though we have a countywide law banning transgender (TS) discrimination. She couldn't prove they fired her for being TS, they just claimed they just needed to "cut their workforce" (by one) so she had no case.

[Hope]

You cannot come out to some people and not to others. If you are going to be out, be out. If you can't because of a work situation, then don't. You can tell a FEW (less than 5) close trusted friends and still remain closeted, but beyond that, you should expect to the topic of conversation and rumor.

And telling friends, but telling them that they can't really talk about this with anyone else is not really fair, that isn't coming out as much as it is pulling your friends into the closet with you. Your closest friends (by virtue of being your friends) have a duty to support you and go along with that and bear that burden with you. Most people do not.

Remember, the likelihood of a secret getting out is equal to the square of the number of people who know about it. If you don't want to be out everywhere, you really cannot be out much of anywhere.

[Faith_G]

What they said.

If your company is like most, if it's on your facebook page your company knows about it.

This is something you can't release in a controlled fashion, once a few people know then the word will spread. People (even people who say they don't) gossip.

There's absolutely no reason for your co-workers to know until you are ready to start presenting female at work.

[LitaKelley]

I thought of coming out on facebook as well, but instead of doing that and potentially creating a train wreck and alienating myself from friends and family, etc, I created a profile for my en femme self, and then only come out to certain people whom I thought would be ok with it and that I trust. I was TERRIFIED thinking how one of my best friends would react, but turns out he is a very true friend and everything is same as it ever was between us, and he's very accepting of me this way. I only come out to 5 people so far, but so far, so good.

You could do something similar.. Just come out to people you trust, or people whom you feel have an open mind and may be ok with it, or come out to people you just really don't give a sh-- how they feel or think... Like, I was thinking, old high school people on my facebook.. if I ever come out on my real profile and they laugh or have negative comments, etc.. who really gives a sh-- since I haven't seen the majority of them since 87 and likely will never see most of them face to face ever again. For me, my real concerns are family.. You need to decide what is most important to you and do what you feel is the BEST thing for YOU.

[karen1562]

Thank you all for your comments and thoughts. It really does give me something to think about. As much as I want to be out now, I know I'm still not ready. I still have a long way to go to get rid of all my facial hair. I truly truly appreciate all the feedback!